2006-2018

you'll be better served reading my latest material at http://hengerbot.blogspot.com

break up number 3

I've had at least 3 break ups in the span of 3 months. 4 if you count the "not formally in a relationship but still wanting to part ways break up"

at first it was devastating, made me tear up out of nowhere for days. and I learned to do things for myself again - something which I gave up because I was so enamored with her. but I got over it and fixed things, but then a couple of days later, it was pretty damn bad again.

the second time was just infuriating, because I had thought that going through bad times will make couples stronger and better - but that wasn't the case, it simply eroded the trust between us. at that point I was quite doubtful of the foundation of our relationship.

now's the third break up and this time it's just funny.

y'see, i'm a massive fan of dark humor, because I love laughing at absurdities of life.

and at this point I've gotten more rational - seeing that we're both victims in the relationship, seeing that i'm exerting more effort - hence being more tired, seeing how at her core she is deeply damaged and a relationship with her will be horrendously handicapped.

I strongly believe staying in love is a choice and that is going to be pretty damn hard. To like someone is easy, it's just a matter to getting to know them enough where it's easy for the both of you to not lose a lot of time and put in a lot of energy. so it's easy to appreciate, and just as easy to let go. but when you start loving someone, you go into uncomfortable territory. you're forgoing other potentially easier opportunities for superficial happiness in life because you decided to devote yourself to someone - which includes the unlikable parts about that particular person.

but i'm not just about to go romantic here - I strongly believe that you should let go of love when needed.

learn to let go of love if you're not simply strong enough for the person. learn to let go of love when you're willing to admit you're weak. and that will be fine - go for something easier, something comfortable, something that will let you cruise along.

always go for what makes sense for you - no matter how cliché or regurgitated, just be honest with yourself.

having kitkats

One of the more pathetic things in the world is depression without any apparent cause. It'd be much easier had we all had something to glom onto so we can justify why we feel bad.

But life doesn't stop for you.

You have to go through your daily routine and having to face people who don't have the slightest of ideas of what's going on in your head, people who might have their own troubles. That's why it's necessary to learn how to put up a façade that you're fine.

But more disingenuousness only pushes you further from addressing your core issue.

That's why it's important to take breaks. It's important to recover. It's important to mitigate the damage dealt to yourself.

Because sooner or later if your inner conflict goes unresolved, you'll do more damage to others when you suddenly disappear.

drawing at lines

there are things thare just simply not negotiable for me

as much as i can appear warm and welcoming, i can become abhorrently cold and distant. there are some lines i just don't allow certain people to cross. in fact, that's one of  the thingd that ended the last most important relationship i had.

and that's what's going to end this current development.

the limbo of love

you either want it or do you don't

the human brain is a capable enough supercomputer to discern when something is truly worth it. unfortunately, it's bogged down by how well it overthinks what has satisfactorily thought of and derails the entire decision-making process.

as for me, i've long decided that i'm not truly "the one", and that all i want is the perks of being thought as such. and forcing yourself to play that role is too much of a responsibility. i learn quickly enough. and moving forward, being in a place of being "there but not quite" has put me in an uncomfortably tranquil situation where i can and will make the most of a bad situation.

when you're merely de facto, and have gotten comfortable in it, being de jure stops making sense.

nous sommes somes

i speak of my self doubts online

everything must be worked for, either by your hands or by someone else. but somehow after working for something i sought out, now that it's well within my grasp, i don't feel i deserve it and that i should just step away.

maybe because i know there's something better out therr, maybe i find fulfillment in the pursuit rarher than the finish, maybe i don't truly want happiness for myself.

whatever the reason, i'm constantly faced with massive doubts. but it's not about only me anymore...

...i have someone else to consider now.

cynical forte

you never wake up the cynic in me, you just don't

i just start losing all humanity at that point and people become mere objects, easily replaceable, their worth finite. it's especially bad for important relationships in your life. it's fine if they will never know how horrifyingly detached your perspective is.

love devovles to a ticking time bomb, friendships become business deals, and charity becomes a vice. but i'm merely coming from a place of hatred towards disingenuousness. i love you now, but i'm sorry, someday i won't. i will hate your guts for every little to big mistake that compounds through the entire time we're together. and i would want you out of my life.

but while i still love you, let's make the most of it.