antique bowl

i never really had the best communication with anyone. despite my eloquence and spontaneity, i've always kept to myself especially with my parents. they never knew what i really wanted or what i was really going through, they were always a few steps behind knowing their son. i don't blame them really, i'm pretty sure they did their part in reaching out to me, it just so happens that i never had it in me to actually communicate what's on my mind because i was taught at an early age to respect my parents. i never really knew the distinction between respect and damaging self-restraint.

and now i'm suffering from the lesson i failed to learn

i can be at least proud that i never turned out to be a delinquent, i never ran away from home, i never screamed back at my parents, i never stayed out late at night because i was too drunk to go home, i never got jailed, i may have had numerous disciplinary cases filed against me back in high school, but i'm more or less a better child than most kids.

but being like that somehow got me into a situation where i failed to really let all my frustration toward my parents out. i grew up resenting them on a regular basis. i know it's very bad and i wish i can afford therapy, or at least muster up the willpower to actually tell them what i want in life. because it's easy to tell them i want a burger, it's easy for them to pull out their wallets and hand me a couple of bills, that's what parents do. but to tell them what i want in life is something i've always wanted to do but never really got to doing it. maybe because i grew up not wanting any of my parents to be disappointed so i kept on shoehorning myself to a mold which i think my parents will be happy with while compromising my want to be just me.

i've always compromised though, painfully so.

patternal faces

i haven't been happy with life lately, unfortunately.

i haven't been happy with life lately and all i will do is complain.

i haven't been happy with life lately and the best you can do right now is to quit reading this.

i haven't been happy with life lately and i do a fairly good job to appear otherwise. however for those who can read people, my recent photos are a huge giveaway.

i haven't been happy with life lately and a friend of mine just attempted suicide and i admire his balls. he did something i can only wish at night when life sucks, maybe i should start drinking?

i haven't been happy with life lately and it's no thanks to the people around me, after years of being around people, somehow i can't seem to find the right set of people to make me feel better to the core.

i haven't been happy with life lately and all i can do is to escape from reality and be a skilled basketball player or an amazing dragon slayer or a competent dictator, all in the comfort of my couch.

i haven't been happy with life lately and i can tell i've yet to go through tougher times, it doesn't look like it won't be ending at this stage of my life.

i haven't been happy with life lately and 21 years later it's still the same old shit.

i haven't been happy with life lately and it can't end any sooner.

i haven't been happy with life lately, unfortunately.