spotholes

i struggle with the "here and now" because my "here and now" doesn't seem to be worth living.

this is, in fact, a grossly inaccurate estimation of the value of my life, because i'm pretty certain a vast majority of people in the world would want to live my life be it for economic, health, or social reasons. we have a lot to be grateful for with the lives we live, but somehow after the struggle stops becoming real, we try to fabricate conflicts that give us a sense of duty to work towards.

i think all we truly need is the feeling of being useful.

it's not like we decide when are we useful, it is dependent on the problem we are addressing. we can find instances where we can be useful, yeah, but we're not always the right fit to do the job. we will always have holes in our skill sets that prevent us from making a real impact. 

that's the problem with the nature of work that i do, where i do everything, but i'm not good at everything, so there will be instances where i feel like shit, and i compensate by looking for things that make me feel like i have a purpose.