drawing at lines

there are things thare just simply not negotiable for me

as much as i can appear warm and welcoming, i can become abhorrently cold and distant. there are some lines i just don't allow certain people to cross. in fact, that's one of  the thingd that ended the last most important relationship i had.

and that's what's going to end this current development.

the limbo of love

you either want it or do you don't

the human brain is a capable enough supercomputer to discern when something is truly worth it. unfortunately, it's bogged down by how well it overthinks what has satisfactorily thought of and derails the entire decision-making process.

as for me, i've long decided that i'm not truly "the one", and that all i want is the perks of being thought as such. and forcing yourself to play that role is too much of a responsibility. i learn quickly enough. and moving forward, being in a place of being "there but not quite" has put me in an uncomfortably tranquil situation where i can and will make the most of a bad situation.

when you're merely de facto, and have gotten comfortable in it, being de jure stops making sense.

nous sommes somes

i speak of my self doubts online

everything must be worked for, either by your hands or by someone else. but somehow after working for something i sought out, now that it's well within my grasp, i don't feel i deserve it and that i should just step away.

maybe because i know there's something better out therr, maybe i find fulfillment in the pursuit rarher than the finish, maybe i don't truly want happiness for myself.

whatever the reason, i'm constantly faced with massive doubts. but it's not about only me anymore...

...i have someone else to consider now.

cynical forte

you never wake up the cynic in me, you just don't

i just start losing all humanity at that point and people become mere objects, easily replaceable, their worth finite. it's especially bad for important relationships in your life. it's fine if they will never know how horrifyingly detached your perspective is.

love devovles to a ticking time bomb, friendships become business deals, and charity becomes a vice. but i'm merely coming from a place of hatred towards disingenuousness. i love you now, but i'm sorry, someday i won't. i will hate your guts for every little to big mistake that compounds through the entire time we're together. and i would want you out of my life.

but while i still love you, let's make the most of it.

ultimate minimalism

the less you have, the less you worry

while there are multitudes of variables in people's lives, a universal commonality is that we all have the same amount of time in a day. some have more days than others, but as long as you survive one, we all get 24 hours.

a lot can be made with the time we have per day. the more we have to do things with, the higher the likelihood that we'll feel we've made the most of our time. it may also risk being a clusterfuck that your brain has to juggle a lot of things, perhaps more than it can possibly handle.

since having more money than my college self could imagine, if gotten a bit burned out with having a lot of the things i wanted, but not having the time for them. that's why i've been trying to a adopt a lifestyle of minimalism rooted on a likely incorrect understanding of the buddhist path to nirvana.

because i feel like i haven't been getting enough time in my life despite having the same 24 hours per day as my past self had. so I decided on prioritizing the feeling of having a lot more time on my hands. and the first step of achieving that is by learning contentment.

now the second step, that i've yet to figure out.

path of less resistance

my circadian rhythm will never allow me to ever find another lover

i have to call it quits this time around. my life isn't designed for any human being to be part of it. it has to be a massive sacrifice for either me or the other for it to fit. a balance may be possible, yeah, but with the right person.

my 2018 february will forever be known as the month where i had the least amount of sleep. but it was the best for my personal life - unfortunately at the cost of my career. and i can't afford to live that way.

something has got to give - and that something is me.

replaceable parts

i've always held the belief that i'm replaceable - no matter how special anyone makes me feel.

there's always that looming fear that other people are better at the things that i can do, and that those people can easily just swoop in and render me obsolete. that's what drives me to work harder. but there doesn't seem to be an end. being on top is not absolute, but being left behind perennial.

that's why i've resigned to the idea that i will have to be comfortably suffering in the swing of things. but that doesn't mean i'm giving up on life.

it just means i'm preparing to disappear.

i'm only what i see sometimes

you grow old and learn to adopt a degree of cynicism to survive

it's not that i've given up on what is good in the world, it's just that you get to know the people around you and understand their motivations. it may also be just me projecting my thought process to my world in an attempt to not feel alone because "at least, everyone else is doing it"

to most people, my views on what are usually good things like love, charity, and passion projects, can be sickening. but really my opinion is shaped by humans themselves. there will always be a façade of politeness because that how society works, but at our core we are way worse than we're willing to admit. we can convince ourselves otherwise, which works when you have a persona to maintain because, indeed, "perception is reality"

my bleak perspective doesn't necessarily mean an unwillingness to live happily. in fact, it's the opposite, it even helps me live happier. you learn to identify the things you have to let go and not get too invested in, you learn to not waste your efforts in trying to get a hold things that are beyond your control, you learn to be practical about how you will go about with daily decisions.

yes it's tough, it takes discipline, and most importantly, it's something you will have to keep on doing until you die.

but when you keep at it - life will be worth living.

26

there's something so vapid about birthday greetings.

it's mostly from people you don't really care about, and when you get greetings from people you truly care about, it's either from people you hate, or people you actually want in your life. unfortunately, there is a horrendously small percentage of birthday greetings that I actually appreciate.

i wish my birthdays would be like ordinary days. but they're really not. they're worse days because I have to waddle through politely interacting with people more than usual - despite having at least a couple of offenses against them in the past.

in an ideal world, all of my human relationships would be superficial and limited. cause really, i'm only as good as what i can offer to the person. do i make funny jokes? good, then let me tell you some jokes - nothing more. do i deliver well on a particular request? good, then let me do that for you - nothing more. do i make a great confidant? good, then let me listen to whatever it is you're comfortable disclosing - nothing more.

my relationships with other people turn sour the moment i fail. while there's a case to be made for endearing failures and it may be fine for you, it's not for me. i don't like the looming stress of constantly remembering that at one point, i screwed up.

that's why i love kids. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't be remembered.

that's why i love one-off friendships. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't matter later.

that's why i'm alone.

star plan: a new hope

there gets to a point where you're ready to love again.

unfortunately for me it wasn't the most ideal of situations. never are they ever in my life. i had a headstart in handling heartbreak. she is in shambles. which is a whole lot of work for me. a new romance shouldn't carry this much stress in the beginning. it should be fun, it should be carefree. of all the possibilities, i just had to gravitate to the path of most resistance.

but i could imagine it being much tougher for her. i hate any form of falling out, especially those from long standing relationships. with everyone i've helped, my recommendation was to always stick to the person no matter how hard it is. because all relationships are imperfect. to some degree they will be toxic. but love isn't about perfection. it's about having it in the both of you to work things out when it gets pretty damn tough.

look at me, preaching this crap despite not having a decent reason to give up on a previous love. nor have i had any way of proving to myself that i won't make the same mistakes. i guess i'm just coming from a place of all hope... renewed hope.

and it will always spring eternal.

eroplano

3 minutes... my entire morning got ruined by 3 minutes.

but there's always that comforting adage that god always has a plan. great news.

i feel like a player in nba 2k with a snowflake icon. i've been having a series of poor decisions that i am losing momentum. i missed out on making a mark on someone i'm trying to impress. but i guess now's not the time, because that isn't what god has planned.

our car had a bit of a malfunction thanks to human error, that's always comforting. i only find justice in the person who caused the malfunction feeling bad the whole day. cause i am both vindictive and lazy to get back. i had to spend almost a day's worth of salary just to get to my job. but i guess today's not the day to turn in a profit, because that isn't what god has planned.

before fixing up my morning matcha, an infuriated client got to the office, i bore the brunt of his anger for having to deal with the infuriating bureaucracy of our government. had to say sorry in behalf of everyone who has done their fault to this guy that i didn't even know. but jesus died for our sins even if he barely knew us, so a couple of thousand years later to a random stranger like me, i guess this is what god has planned.

i'm in the office and i've gotten a hold of my daily planner, which has been turning out to be the thousand peso farce this year cause i almost never follow all of the things i write, but it helps when i need to remember where i was on certain days. it becomes less of a tool for directing my life, but more for seeing how directionless it was. but with the 5 hours i have left in the office, i have to at least make a conscious effort to make it count. because that is what i have planned.

and that is what i aim to do.

spotholes

i struggle with the "here and now" because my "here and now" doesn't seem to be worth living.

this is, in fact, a grossly inaccurate estimation of the value of my life, because i'm pretty certain a vast majority of people in the world would want to live my life be it for economic, health, or social reasons. we have a lot to be grateful for with the lives we live, but somehow after the struggle stops becoming real, we try to fabricate conflicts that give us a sense of duty to work towards.

i think all we truly need is the feeling of being useful.

it's not like we decide when are we useful, it is dependent on the problem we are addressing. we can find instances where we can be useful, yeah, but we're not always the right fit to do the job. we will always have holes in our skill sets that prevent us from making a real impact. 

that's the problem with the nature of work that i do, where i do everything, but i'm not good at everything, so there will be instances where i feel like shit, and i compensate by looking for things that make me feel like i have a purpose.

pepera

do what you can to make the present better.

for the past couple of years being stuck in an office desk as an employee, i've spent majority of my unproductive time online window shopping and researching things i can spend money on to make my life better. it's pretty therapeutic and gives a sense of solution to my otherwise problemless situation.

it becomes a vicious cycle of buying, being satisfied, wanting more, and buying again. it tricks my brain into thinking that i'm solving my constant need for new. it becomes a practice of endless consumerism, that while it covers some holes, but it never really solves deeply rooted issues. it makes you look onward to future "solutions", but it blinds to you the needs of today.

for the past couple of years, i've had more money than i ever had that if my student self had this much access to money, i'd be more resolved as a human being. but that isn't the case, i feel like more money is just a precursor to more possibilities, and that includes experiences, triumphs and turmoils.

more money won't solve my problems.

maybe i fail to address the current issues i face by focusing instead on solvable problems by spending money. i need to do a review of my life and set my priorities straight. real problems require real solutions, and i don't think money provides real resolution, making time, putting in the effort, and perhaps dropping what's unnecessary.

tumble crumble

it gets worse when you actually get in touch with your emotions.

for the past year, i've been depriving myself of feeling any emotions. it's convenient to function like a machine - you don't get disappointed, your life doesn't get disrupted, everything is smooth sailing. but somehow everyone around me are devoid of any humanity whatsoever. it's okay when i'm the only one not showing any heart, but when its others, it becomes problematic.

when your social links become unchained, you need to forge new ones.

i'm desperately rekindling any signs of social life. unfortunately the people around me are less reliable than the flipears custom earphones i reviewed on this blog. thankfully, i'm a somewhat self-sustaining individual. every single day, i try to prove that man can, to a degree, be an island.

this honesty is me being in touch with the feelings i've neglected for the longest time.

i'm ready to face the music. bring your worst.

bilats

large groups scare me.

unless required, i don't speak up in group meetings. for the most part, the people i've met with speak just for the purpose of enhancing their brand. as far as adding to the conversation, the core of their message becomes diluted with fancy words, seemingly endearing anecdotes, and just an overall show of supremacy over the group.

my crippling social apprehensions gets the better of me.

i do however work much better in more intimate settings. it gets easier for me to talk to the person on a personal level, break down their barriers, and truly get my message through them. in instances where work truly must be done, i believe it works better, but when you have to look good, i just don't have it in me to fool an entire room of 50 people.


i do however feel like i fool people on a regular basis with my knowledge and competence.

stillness

i've always been a poser believer of zen.

there's something about letting go and letting things flow that attracts me. maybe it's me coming to terms that i cannot control everything and that zen empowers me to find comfort in not being in power. maybe it's something less pretentious than that.

maybe i just want to choose a narrative that i'm cool and all.

living in metro manila means sitting in traffic for hours on a daily basis. hours enough to finish a movie, hours enough to finish at least a quarter or half of a season of a tv show, hours enough to listen to an entire discography of a millennial musician. if there's any scenario that would best test the calming stillness being preached by zen buddhism, it's being stuck in traffic.

you have to tune out the constant bombardment of brake lights flashing, shrill laugh tracks played by overly flamboyant radio djs, or the constant crowdedness of almost every square inch of this mega city. you have to not think of the hours you're wasting on the road, the moments you're missing out on, or the accomplishments that you're failing to work towards.

i can only imagine the inner peace that one could achieve.

god knows i've always been at war with myself.

45 of 84

i think it's about time to finally release an official statement

time is a fixed construct. for something that constantly changes, it's something that has always remained in place. much like how humans remain to be what they are, but differ in who they are, and who they become.

almost a year detached from my relationship, it has finally occurred to me to pick up the proverbial pieces of what was left of me. there weren't a lot to pick up. for the most part, i've always reserved a part of myself to stay intact when it all breaks down. that is not how love works. clearly, i have no business being a lover.

eventually i learned to recognize my limitations.

man is a very inconsistent being. my statements from a decade ago in this blog won't necessarily be true today, but that doesn't mean that i lied. it just so happens that there are certain truths in certain periods of time and we eventually grow out from what we used to believe in, and we become entirely different people. it gets to a point where resuscitating the person who promised endless possibilities becomes an encumbrance. and when you're turning into a square peg, it doesn't make sense to try to fit into a round hole.

almost a year detached from my relationship, when anyone asks why, i finally have an answer:

"we grew apart"

the univershell

the thing with superheroes is that you'd think given their gift, their life will go swimmingly.

but it's never the case, they always have the struggle. and there's no bigger struggle than man against self. especially when the struggle is self-inflicted, because really we can't be good at everything and what you can do is to substitute your talent in other facets of life to something else seemingly related - such as work skills to social skills. kids, they never work. we can only be good in so much, and we have to acknowledge that we will always have limitations.

but we also have to recognize that some facets of life shouldn't mix. you can't treat people in your social circle as clients to negotiate or spin words around with. it gets pretty annoying to be the one who talks weird by being meticulous with the words you choose. how did i get here.

camonball run

it's quite liberating to not have to consider everything all at once. I feel like this is how my twenties should be: meeting new people, making new friends, rekindling old connections. there is a case to be made for considering the importance of human relationships - they are what makes us special. it's important to feel special, it helps us ward of loneliness.

ever since, i never felt lonely, i get bored, yes, but I never felt like I was on my own. not anymore, since growing up and growing out. but we never change, we're still running on the same processes and biases to make life and decision-making easier. we eventually learn how to express ourselves better, hopefully enough to not making re-reading our thoughts cringe-worthy. we eventually learn how to notice patterns to predict the future, hopefully with enough accuracy to not make the same mistake in the same damn scenario.

we become better.

and we have to thank the people we meet along the way, the highs and lows we go through, and the lull in between major events that make up the most of our journey.

we don't realize sometimes how free we are.

work-life balance

you don't work for the government for the money. if you wanted money in government, you'd probable be better off running for an elected office, but not if you're a regular civil servant.

I get paid the same as most people, marginally higher than my contemporaries, my salary's easily google-able, look for Salary Grade 15. It'll probably stay that way in the next decade or so, there isn't much movement in government, and movement is the only way you'll get a significantly bigger salary.

I'm not complaining about my salary prospects. don't get me wrong. in fact salary is of secondary concern for me because i allow myself to work 12 hours and only 8 of which will be salaried, i allow myself to report to the office on weekends and do more work on my laptop on the ride going home. doesn't happen single day, but for a millennial, those are tough working conditions.

I'm not complaining about the amount of effort required of me by work either. in fact, i have the option to not work as hard and my financial compensation won't change. the government pays you a certain amount and it's up to you whether you'll exert a lot of effort, or very little, either way, you'll get paid.

I exert that much effort and subject myself to such working conditions because work seems to work for me. i'm not miserable at my job, i don't look forward at things outside the office, there may be an argument made for me "not having a life", but i'm doing okay at my work. i can go on for hours just doing work and not feeling hungry or tired.

the unique thing about my work is that it's always something new, always a learning curve to master. luckily enough, i pick up very quickly to adapt to new things, learn the new work, despite me having to seem to like the monotony of certain things in life, eg. the same food everyday, the same game to play over the weekend. I know the brain seeks out novelty, but the brain also seeks out routine. my work affords me the right amount of novelty that i don't have to find it outside the office. i am not exactly compelled to want to go to a new province, travel to a new country, or live out a vacation. i'm fine sitting at the same spot i've been sitting on for almost a decade, in front of my computer with a 42 inch tv as my monitor.

my work compensates for how boring my life is, but my boring life compensates for how tough my work can get.

and as i get older, it will only get tougher.