45 of 84

i think it's about time to finally release an official statement

time is a fixed construct. for something that constantly changes, it's something that has always remained in place. much like how humans remain to be what they are, but differ in who they are, and who they become.

almost a year detached from my relationship, it has finally occurred to me to pick up the proverbial pieces of what was left of me. there weren't a lot to pick up. for the most part, i've always reserved a part of myself to stay intact when it all breaks down. that is not how love works. clearly, i have no business being a lover.

eventually i learned to recognize my limitations.

man is a very inconsistent being. my statements from a decade ago in this blog won't necessarily be true today, but that doesn't mean that i lied. it just so happens that there are certain truths in certain periods of time and we eventually grow out from what we used to believe in, and we become entirely different people. it gets to a point where resuscitating the person who promised endless possibilities becomes an encumbrance. and when you're turning into a square peg, it doesn't make sense to try to fit into a round hole.

almost a year detached from my relationship, when anyone asks why, i finally have an answer:

"we grew apart"

the univershell

the thing with superheroes is that you'd think given their gift, their life will go swimmingly.

but it's never the case, they always have the struggle. and there's no bigger struggle than man against self. especially when the struggle is self-inflicted, because really we can't be good at everything and what you can do is to substitute your talent in other facets of life to something else seemingly related - such as work skills to social skills. kids, they never work. we can only be good in so much, and we have to acknowledge that we will always have limitations.

but we also have to recognize that some facets of life shouldn't mix. you can't treat people in your social circle as clients to negotiate or spin words around with. it gets pretty annoying to be the one who talks weird by being meticulous with the words you choose. how did i get here.

camonball run

it's quite liberating to not have to consider everything all at once. I feel like this is how my twenties should be: meeting new people, making new friends, rekindling old connections. there is a case to be made for considering the importance of human relationships - they are what makes us special. it's important to feel special, it helps us ward of loneliness.

ever since, i never felt lonely, i get bored, yes, but I never felt like I was on my own. not anymore, since growing up and growing out. but we never change, we're still running on the same processes and biases to make life and decision-making easier. we eventually learn how to express ourselves better, hopefully enough to not making re-reading our thoughts cringe-worthy. we eventually learn how to notice patterns to predict the future, hopefully with enough accuracy to not make the same mistake in the same damn scenario.

we become better.

and we have to thank the people we meet along the way, the highs and lows we go through, and the lull in between major events that make up the most of our journey.

we don't realize sometimes how free we are.

work-life balance

you don't work for the government for the money. if you wanted money in government, you'd probable be better off running for an elected office, but not if you're a regular civil servant.

I get paid the same as most people, marginally higher than my contemporaries, my salary's easily google-able, look for Salary Grade 15. It'll probably stay that way in the next decade or so, there isn't much movement in government, and movement is the only way you'll get a significantly bigger salary.

I'm not complaining about my salary prospects. don't get me wrong. in fact salary is of secondary concern for me because i allow myself to work 12 hours and only 8 of which will be salaried, i allow myself to report to the office on weekends and do more work on my laptop on the ride going home. doesn't happen single day, but for a millennial, those are tough working conditions.

I'm not complaining about the amount of effort required of me by work either. in fact, i have the option to not work as hard and my financial compensation won't change. the government pays you a certain amount and it's up to you whether you'll exert a lot of effort, or very little, either way, you'll get paid.

I exert that much effort and subject myself to such working conditions because work seems to work for me. i'm not miserable at my job, i don't look forward at things outside the office, there may be an argument made for me "not having a life", but i'm doing okay at my work. i can go on for hours just doing work and not feeling hungry or tired.

the unique thing about my work is that it's always something new, always a learning curve to master. luckily enough, i pick up very quickly to adapt to new things, learn the new work, despite me having to seem to like the monotony of certain things in life, eg. the same food everyday, the same game to play over the weekend. I know the brain seeks out novelty, but the brain also seeks out routine. my work affords me the right amount of novelty that i don't have to find it outside the office. i am not exactly compelled to want to go to a new province, travel to a new country, or live out a vacation. i'm fine sitting at the same spot i've been sitting on for almost a decade, in front of my computer with a 42 inch tv as my monitor.

my work compensates for how boring my life is, but my boring life compensates for how tough my work can get.

and as i get older, it will only get tougher.

Flipears Review

You may have stumbled upon this blog entry because somehow having your own Custom In Ear Monitors (CIEM) piqued your interest and now you're scouring the web for impressions or reviews before you spend at least 8,000 to 15,000 pesos.


I am telling you as early as now, have a pair made ASAP.

It doesn't take a genius to tell that 15,000 pesos for a CIEM is a hell of a deal, especially in the Philippines where the closest option you had for one was Unique Melody which I never bothered to consider because of the prohibitive cost and the effort it took to send ear impressions overseas. With Flipears, you just have to go a bit of ways down south in Las Piñas to get your ear impressions made, wait a couple of weeks, either pick it up there or have it LBC-ed to your place. This is as cheap and easy as it gets for the common Filipino.

When I had one made, it took a while for me take the leap, I spent a lot of time studying customs, universals, balanced armature drivers, and dynamic drivers, and I really urge you to know the difference between your Knowles ED, CI, TEC, FED, DTEC, TWFK, WBFK, HODVTEC - it's an alphabet soup, yes, but the knowledge will be valuable if you're particular with the sound you would want to hear. I'm convinced that more drivers doesn't make for a significantly better product, case in point the Ultimate Ears Reference Monitors, or the Westone 4R. Google them (especially Westone 4R vs Westone 3) If you want to know what's in them, check this google document which lists what's inside most of the custom and universal earphones. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1jguxmYfEmZdHEGIUDvQUnfm3vhxo51WeNKKG0_oRtMA/pub?output=html&richtext=true#


After pages of Head-fi, Cymbacavum, and other websites, I felt like I knew enough to really get into details with the master craftsman of Flipears himself, Aries Sales. My questions to him were many and my curiosity was relentless that at some point I feel like I have been bordering on annoying, but I was operating on the pretense that I wanted to most out of my money because let's face it, 15,000 is exorbitant for "just a pair of earphones".

After weeks of discussion, I ended up having my ear impressions made and Pro Tip #1: NEVER get your ear impressions done after having gone through a plane ride that made the insides of your ear hurt like hell. I'm pretty sure Aries and his partner will do their best to make sure you get a good pair of ear impressions. And if in the end you wish there were improvements on the fit, they will be more than willing to help you with that at no cost to anyone... well except shipping fee.

What really stood out for me for Flipears is Aries' openness to discuss with you on how the CIEM will be set up, I had specifically asked for a CI+TWFK, similar to the drivers inside a Westone UM3X, or a Knowles GK set up. Furthermore, I asked for the CI to be dampened with the red filter and the TWFK to be undampened as is. It's important that you really discuss with Aries what you want out from his work, and with the level of thoroughness I had in discussions with him, I was particularly surprised when there were capacitors and resistors on the final product, which turned out for the better, however with me being so particular about most details, I wish I had known before hand so I could've had inputs regarding what to do with the caps and resistors, which by mere speculation, would more or less turn out like the final product.

And that is the beauty with Flipears, you have the luxury to really get in touch with the man who will create your pair of custom earphones which allows for an immense level of customization, and I feel that's what they ought to tell their prospective customers more, that with the right amount of knowledge with basic electronics and sound signatures of balanced armature drivers, you can truly make a pair of earphones customized to your ear anatomy and sound preference... except for bassheads who love their "mud", maybe.

Now speaking of bassheads, such as myself, balanced armature drivers such as those found in CIEMs will most definitely not suffice. I was particularly surprised when I found the bass lacking in tracks I trusted with my recabled Sennheiser ie8s. Don't get me wrong though, the bass in the CIs were there to deliver but not to the bloated extent of dynamic drivers found in the ie8. I just have to get the seal real tight to get the most of the bass.

Now with the level of detail that these CIEMs have, they are nothing short of mind blowing. If TVs had 4K resolutions, this would be the earphone equivalent of it. Back then, I spent more money for earphones just to hear parts of the recording that were indiscernible with a pair of stock earphones. I thought I had heard everything high bitrate music files had to offer, for spending quadruple digits on earphones as my budget allowed, I had thought I reached the 1080p of music. But then these earphones got lodged into my canals
and the tweeter half of the TWFK, which is the WBFK, lends itself well to ensure that you get sound so detailed and so accurate that you start hearing mistakes in the recording by the artists themselves that may have gone unnoticed through studio monitors.

With that being said, the my Flipears CIEM can get very "honest", and by "honest" I mean if the song you're listening to has been poorly recorded, mastered or transcoded, you will be hearing poor sound quality. So spending 15,000 will ensure that your music will be perfectly replicated, but spending such amount will not ensure that you'll be hearing good music. If you want to maximize your experience, do yourself a favor, invest on downloading high bitrate torrents, o least 320kbps. Let not Aries' craftsmanship get wasted on poor sounding tracks, his work deserves so much better.

If you're still on the fence whether you'll be buying Flipears or not, I just want you to remember one thing: that where you spend your peso is a vote on what you support and believe in. You have a pioneer in Philippine CIEMs in Aries Sales, you either support him or the audiophile behemoths abroad such as Ultimate Ears, Unique Melody, etc. Either way, you'll be getting awesome music blasted in your ears, you'll be winning.

It's your choice whether who would you want to win with you.

alien male friendship

male friendship makes little sense.

i have little to no friends at all. my social circle revolves around my girlfriend and the people i ride the bus with. i am in a very tragic position. what makes it much worse is that people who are worth talking to are people who happen to fall in love with me, that can't be with me being in a monogamous relationship. i am stuck.

practically, the only people my girlfriend is willing for me to be friends with are guys, even then they aren't the best people to talk to through my most preferred means of communication. men aren't fun to chat with, they aren't chatty as women. somehow, after years of being the friend people, particularly women, exclusively go to when they have problems, i seemed to have figured out how to "converse" with them. of course by "converse", i mean me just asking questions and them rambling on and solving their problems on their own.

i am in legitimate need of friends, and somehow male friends don't seem to cut it. but then again women friends pose headaches between my girlfriend and i, that's equally not as fun. but then we never get what we want and we make compromises. i'm lucky enough to be solely comforted by time in front of my computer, so much so that for the brief moment i am in front of my computer, the concept of human contact seems alien.

domo arigato, mr. roboto.

football kids

touching lives without asking anything in return is one of the most underrated things ever.

i've been "coaching" street soccer to unprivileged kids for quite some time now, and i must say at first i was skeptical on my commitment to the project, however you must take my role with a grain of salt as i haven't really done any "coaching" in the more technical sense. it started okay, it was my first time to deal with kids whom i have no personal relations with in a large scale, and by large i meant 20 kids. i am, for all intents and purposes, an introvert.

dealing with strangers drain me.

i remember my first training like some "in medias res" sort of deal, i was smack dab in the middle of everything, a new piece of cog in an already well oiled machine, being in the worst situation where everyone else are expecting you to perform like them, and at the same time, looking down on you. my first time wasn't exactly the best, nor was it something bearable, and that was one of the driving force to make a difference with these kids.

i wasn't exactly prepared, however.

i never bothered asking their names, i've always been a faces guy, and i've always held on to the belief that "if you matter, i'll find out your name", right now i at least know 3-4 names of the 20 or so kids, and those kids matter now because i saw in them what i failed to feel when i was introduced to football.

they were never taught anything, and when i tried teaching them, they wouldn't listen.

who can blame them? i was a timid coach and those two words don't go together. but not being taught anything didn't mean that they won't succeed nor have fun in playing a competitive team sport, they had something in them that my sheltered lifestyle won't ever yield... an indomitable spirit.


you can never teach heart.

antique bowl

i never really had the best communication with anyone. despite my eloquence and spontaneity, i've always kept to myself especially with my parents. they never knew what i really wanted or what i was really going through, they were always a few steps behind knowing their son. i don't blame them really, i'm pretty sure they did their part in reaching out to me, it just so happens that i never had it in me to actually communicate what's on my mind because i was taught at an early age to respect my parents. i never really knew the distinction between respect and damaging self-restraint.

and now i'm suffering from the lesson i failed to learn

i can be at least proud that i never turned out to be a delinquent, i never ran away from home, i never screamed back at my parents, i never stayed out late at night because i was too drunk to go home, i never got jailed, i may have had numerous disciplinary cases filed against me back in high school, but i'm more or less a better child than most kids.

but being like that somehow got me into a situation where i failed to really let all my frustration toward my parents out. i grew up resenting them on a regular basis. i know it's very bad and i wish i can afford therapy, or at least muster up the willpower to actually tell them what i want in life. because it's easy to tell them i want a burger, it's easy for them to pull out their wallets and hand me a couple of bills, that's what parents do. but to tell them what i want in life is something i've always wanted to do but never really got to doing it. maybe because i grew up not wanting any of my parents to be disappointed so i kept on shoehorning myself to a mold which i think my parents will be happy with while compromising my want to be just me.

i've always compromised though, painfully so.

patternal faces

i haven't been happy with life lately, unfortunately.

i haven't been happy with life lately and all i will do is complain.

i haven't been happy with life lately and the best you can do right now is to quit reading this.

i haven't been happy with life lately and i do a fairly good job to appear otherwise. however for those who can read people, my recent photos are a huge giveaway.

i haven't been happy with life lately and a friend of mine just attempted suicide and i admire his balls. he did something i can only wish at night when life sucks, maybe i should start drinking?

i haven't been happy with life lately and it's no thanks to the people around me, after years of being around people, somehow i can't seem to find the right set of people to make me feel better to the core.

i haven't been happy with life lately and all i can do is to escape from reality and be a skilled basketball player or an amazing dragon slayer or a competent dictator, all in the comfort of my couch.

i haven't been happy with life lately and i can tell i've yet to go through tougher times, it doesn't look like it won't be ending at this stage of my life.

i haven't been happy with life lately and 21 years later it's still the same old shit.

i haven't been happy with life lately and it can't end any sooner.

i haven't been happy with life lately, unfortunately.

kuma-quarter life crisis

yes, i do feel the need to get a job... and fix my damn shift key. however, i'm sincerely wasting away and i'm not exactly in a rush to actually make something out of myself. i'm not pushed by great necessity to start earning money. yeah sure, it would have been nice to have money to burn for my numerous wants and other wants which pretend to be ''needs'', but i'm fine living on the same pasta dish for breakfast over and over again. there's nothing wrong with having the same meal for months on end, if a couple can stay loyal to each other, then why can't i be the same to food?

the monotony is NOT killing me.

there's something comforting about a routine that feels snug like a shoe you wear day in, day out. there's a sense of affinity to that shoe that when you wear it, you know it's for you. same goes with my routine, the way i cook, what i cook, what i watch, the way i work out, whom i talk to, my name is written all over it.

bumming around isn't exactly all that fulfilling. nothing fulfills you more than a sense of purpose in life, a direction, a raison d'etre. but a reason for being isn't exactly something you google, it must fit you. so i'm taking my sweet sweet time, being unproductive, living by the same routine, hoping that fate won't fall short, that serendipity isn't as pitiful as it seems like.

but then again, how does one find lady luck in routine?

strokeing

i haven't written something as personal as a blog in a long time, probably because i have a girlfriend now who occupies pretty much most of my time now, and for the past couple of months, i've been busy with my thesis... and the scar my thesis left was this fucked up keyboard on my year-old netbook.

that might be an exaggeration, the only thing fucked up about this keyboard is that the shift key doesn't work... can you imagine how difficult life is without the shift key/1

exactly.

i would've worked in the production for this blog entry and used proper capitalization and punctuation , but i figured with something as personal as this, i don't see the point of any formality. as i've had my generous share of formality with writing my thesis, so much so that if i see the word 'methodology' again, i am going berserk.

again, that's an exaggeration. that's how it goes in life.

quite frankly though, the college thesis, despite its complexity, seemed to be much easier than my high school thesis... or maybe because i was working on two simultaneous theses back then, and 'sleepless nights' associated with theses rang truer than my love for being number 1.

funnily enough, writing my thesis now and back in high school was similar in that my college econ and high school pre-med theses were, in the back of my head and according to my advisers, primed to be one of the best theses. both did not made the cut, however, my high school thesis left me elated after the defense whereas my college thesis defense left a bitter aftertaste... what was more embittering was that my girlfriend got a much higher grade than we did. at that point, fairness and equality in life lost all meaning. i put in much more effort in my thesis than my girlfriend and she was rewarded with a marginally higher grade than i did. i should be happy for her for getting a good grade, but when the effort you put into doing something wasn't met with the adulation it should've had, it's very... very... embittering.

pretty much at that point, i stopped exerting effort in anything anymore... noticeably, my cooking has been shittier than my past works.

oh yeah, i've been cooking recently... and watching a good number of gordon ramsay tv shows, and it's not an overstatement when i say that it sparked a deep passion for cooking. i mean really passionate, so much so that i think about mise en place, or in terms you would understand, food preparation, all the time. on the commute to school, strangely enough, in my head i was chopping onions, perfecting how to dice an onion. i was imagining working the pans, putting in the spices and drizzling it with oils and stuff. but mostly i was imagining chopping vegetables, and cooking scrambled eggs. i was constantly thinking of getting a career in a professional kitchen and being a chef... or a cook, or whatever you wanna call it.

however the cynic in me saw this already, when i was much younger and wanted to be a football player playing for the national football team, way back then when the philippine football team wasn't called the 'azkals'. seeing the same shit before, i know this dream of becoming a chef will go nowhere, as i'm a few months away from graduating from my bachelor's degree, and my girlfriend doesn't want me to leave the country.

i say that a lot, that my girlfriend doesn't want me to leave the country. i'm not implying that she allow me to leave the country, it was just an option, provided how few the opportunities there are in this country. the other option, which i am willing to take, is to stay here and hope for the best. admittedly though, i don't see a solid direction, career-wise, for me in the philippines, but i'm fine with suffering in silence, or even suffering in general. a good number of my years were spent sucking up to faulty life quality, doesn't make much of a difference.

in spite of that, it's not all doom and gloom if i stayed here. if a million other filipinos, and billions more in africa, can deal with third-world life, then so can i.

it has been pretty much established in the past that i'm one of those people 'who could have been great'

if not, here's a refresher...

ever since i was little i was primed to be a very exceptional individual, in terms of skill and intelligence... not so much in social skills, as exemplified by me blogging right now and not talking to my girlfriend, i am really socially inept to be anyone's friend, boyfriend, or even son. however, as the years went by and every year, a new person to disappoint, a new expectation i failed to live up to but wasn't pushed hard enough. i could've gone on a tirade on how i could've been the 'chosen one' but failed and hear me pour my heart out, but nah, the cynic in me extrapolated that i couldn't be the only one like this. there must've been a lot of people like me, gifted individuals who didn't live up to their potential. so i'm tired of trying to live up to my potential, there are a handful of people who are doing that and have been doing it for a very long time, if i will start now, then, to my exceptionally high standards, it would be an exercise in futility.

as life is, so in order for my efforts to not go in vain, might as well not exert effort at all...

...cause the disillusionment is killing me...

..slowly...

bell curves and exact opposites

I've always held on to the belief that studies hold a huge amount of truth in them. I was once primed to take up a pre-med degree and par for the course was to get myself familiarized with studies which are medical in nature. Psychology was more of my thing because it was less exact science and more about the uncertainties of the human mind; to which I am not knocking on psychology, I like that field. It works for me, a person who would find it difficult to wrap my head around chemical bonds and what not. But where am I going with this, really? I just went into a relationship with someone - someone whom I hold very dearly even way before. Someone who, in a lot of respects, is the (I won't be using exact because it's overrated) opposite of me. And I have heard the overused line which goes something like: "opposites attract." Yes, that's true for the sciences, and chick flicks... and action flicks, come to think of it... as a girl would be inclined to a man who is unlike her, so does a hero who is inclined to shoot his nemesis in the head. But I digress, by a wide margin.

I won't quote the exact author of the study or even remember what the exact study was, but I once saw some findings that in some cases, opposites do attract; here's the catch, though: but not for long. You will get sick of your special other who's unlike you, you will get tired of that person who share different beliefs from you; which, to tell you honestly, scares me. I went into a relationship hoping to take a home run. I am not in the business to waste my time on some chick whom I might just spend at least a few months or so. I value my time, my feelings, and most importantly, my wallet very highly. But then again, this is merely a fear, and fears are irrational... but so is love.

They say that couples that do last are those from couples who are a lot like each other. Am I like the person whom I am in a relationship with? In some cases, yeah. But for a pessimist like me, a person who sees not what I have but what I lack, I see our differences more than the commonalities. Which you must therefore conclude that I should be blamed for thinking like this and adopting this set of beliefs. So at the end of the day, am I the one who has the problem?

According to my professor, in most cases, once the sample size of any research study it mimics normal distribution. The theory I have, is that if you gather the data of every successful relationship, you would see that, yes, the more alike you are with your special other, the more successful your relationship would be... BUT, normal distributions have outliers, for those who have yet to encounter what a normally distributed probability is... I linked it like a wikipedia page, do yourself a favor and read about it. But anyway, as I was saying... outliers, deviants, anomalies... yes, despite my pessimism on the matter, I hold on the idea of outliers; more specifically, on the probability that my relationship would be a success on an outlying chance. "Normal" has never been my calling card, and I am well aware that most experiences I've had are not well within at least 2 standard deviations of a continuous probability distribution.

oooh... I'm getting too math-y for my own liking. "Math literate" has never been my calling card either.

may girlfriend na ko

nagkataon na oo, ganun na nga, at wala ako sa mood magkwento dahil naisipan ko rin naman kasing ipagpatuloy ang blag ko sa blagger. tingnan niyo na lang ang mga latest entries ko dun, dahil baka di ko na ipagpatuloy ito, despite the fact na mas personal at mas... open ako dito. apir.

8 hours of sleep

I ought to sleep now, assuming that I do indeed need 8 hours of sleep and that I need to wake up at six.

I've been watching too much da ali g show, the british accent in my head as I type this tells me so. I sort of like imagine a tender sacha baron cohen voice in my head. it's kinda amusing yet strange when a different voice is inside your head, or maybe it's just one of those weird things that happen only to me. I'm awfully weird... but it adds to my charm, or lack thereof.

a british accent in my head isn't reason enough to bash my head on the wall or want to have my head kicked in, I tried playing tetris on my nintendo ds yesterday and that's all I've been doing ever since. the trouble lies in when I'm not playing the game anymore. the moment I close my eyes or even have an idle moment with my mind, it starts to draw images of blocks falling and my brain figuring out where do certain pieces go. it's such an annoyance I want to bash my head on the damn wall. but no, I've had my fair share of concussions for someone who has lived a mostly sedentary lifestyle. any more head trauma will just ruin my already bad memory... or whatever brain processes affected by the frontal lobe.

I can probably attribute that to the lack of cohesion of my blog entries in between paragraphs.

or maybe it's a matter of style and lack of rules as to what should I or should not do.

nevertheless, I shall continue typing until my eyes feel heavy. good thing netbooks are invented, I can finally do trivial stuff on my bed and other places in the house where a desktop pc would be too much of a hassle to set up.

again, this is probably one of those blog entries where I just shoot off into different directions, be meta about certain things, and not really have a point. life doesn't really have a point, or at least that's how I view it, so in someways, this blog imitates life. or maybe that is me trying to sound deep in hopes of appearing to be an intellectual. no, I'd be the first to say it before the word "poser" is thrown at me, I am not some free thinker who have thoughts that might change the world. all I think of are things that matter to me, and if it so happens that what I think of or say here might change the world or matter to a great deal of people, then well and good.

I'm not consistent enough to be considered an intellectual, nor do I even really wanna be considered an intellectual... alone. if anything, I'd like to be a polymath. when I was younger, I was probably writing on this blog back then, I discovered the concept of "polymath", people who are good at a lot of things. in hopes of becoming a polymath, fell through a couple of obstacles and realized that you can't be great at a lot of things. one does not simply become awesome at different disciplines at this day and age. I've fallen into the trap where I know a vast number of things, but none of it, I am really good at. or maybe I didn't put enough heart into it?

or maybe I'm just one of those people that can't finish what I've started? I know it's a common thing to be unable to finish something. with a bad memory, I can't name a lot of things that I've left unfinished, despite the fact that it ought to have the zeigarnik effect, but I can say that I have never finished a book. I remember that much. I read some books, but halfway through, I just find something else to do... like read another book. I have finished a lot of films though, but then again, it forces you to sit in front of a screen for two hours. but that doesn't mean I have my fair share of films that I haven't finished yet, on the top of my head, I can name adventureland. the film with the straight faced girl from twilight and the awkward guy from juno and scott pilgrim and zombieland and nick and norah's infinite playlist and paper heart and superbad... it's funny how I remember their faces and the films they've starred in but I can't remember the name. I'm fairly certain it's a right brain dominant thing... and probably the reason why I am bad at math.

and bad at a lot of things I force myself to study about.

randong

the story ends with me... not getting what I want.

it, however, starts optimistically. me brimming with hope, nothing short of any semblance of gusto. specific goals which are easy to visualize are always the best motivators. it started three years ago, I've stopped blogging here and did it at my exclusive to contacts multiply blog. a different blog harbored the trials and tribulations that got me to where I am right now. to those expecting to make sense out of this, I am advising you to leave or either skip this entry, this will be a moody piece. I rarely make sense, and if I do, that's unintentional... or if what I say does make sense and yet I deem it to be vague, then congratulations, you know how my mind works.

I'm not really sure if that's worth congratulating, though.

I subscribe to the idea that we are born to do great things, no matter how dumb people may consider you. it's just a matter of motivation. there are many ways to get motivated, slaves are motivated by whips and chains, yuppies are motivated by their paycheck, and altruistic individuals are motivated by that fulfilling feeling that eludes most people since we've been too engrossed in the pursuit of worldly desires marketed to us by companies. no, I am not a commie sympathizer who believes that capitalists should fall and that sort of shit, I've grown inundated with trying to change the world by collectives and we seem to forget how to look at the individual.

if some people out there would like to change the world by fighting for a certain ideology, then go ahead, I'm looking inwards. it's more of a philosophical choice more than anything, people can call me selfish for prioritizing myself before the good of society, and I can preempt every other thing people might call me, but at the end of the day, the internet is the best place to bully people... how about this? what if I deliberately not make any sense at all to ward off anyone looking for any meaning in what I say and with who I am. it's not my problem.

I'm a bit of a loose cannon... especially now that I'm extremely exhausted and I don't even look at the keyboard nor the screen no more. I just let my thoughts guide my fingers and let my fingers feel the keyboard and just keep on typing at my whim... probably without making any sense nr any valuable meaning. I've been a bit meta on this entry, haven't I? forgive me for being redundant and self-conscious... I am a bit of a loose cannon.

somehow, though, I feel the need to make sense. I feel the need to reach out and at least get my point, if any, or lack thereof, across. I feel the need to matter, to which given that this blog doesn't get as much hits, I am failing to achieve. or maybe I'm suffering the fate just like everyone else? we all try to matter, we all want to be remembered for something, or to feel like it's not all an entirely a waste of time, but I think it all is... we've gotten so caught up in the architecture of the modern age that we're stuck and we can't find glass ceilings to break out of. I have torn ligaments in my fingers... or is it tendons? I dunno. what I do know, however, is that my fingers are in pain, and the more I type, the more I exacerbate the injury... so allow me to shut up and let you go.

cause it's one thing I fail to do to a lot of social encounters.

personal space

allow me to speak in english this time because I seem to think in english sometimes... but then the trouble is, when I think in english, my thoughts are highly fragmented... and I don't seem to have a solid point to drive... just a bunch of phrases that I blurt out in hopes of making sense... albeit, barely making the grade.

this is one of those blog entries I write earlier in the day. it's what? as of writing it's 6:32PM, most of my blog entries this year has been done at ungodly hours of the night, usually when I'm more contemplative and I've given things much thought. this time, however, I've noticed for quite sometime now. to actually call it "sometime" might be an understatement, long ago I've accepted that this has always been one of my weaknesses. I've been very distant with most people, if not all, rarely do I open up, although this blog says otherwise, for some reason I trust the kindness of strangers, no matter how cynical my view of the world is... besides, the internet provides me a semblance of anonymity to which opening up to a close friend cannot afford me. somehow, though, this might sound like a call for help, or a plea, I dunno, my hormonal angst ridden adolescence has passed me by and this is not me showing any angst, this is just me blurting out things that really don't make sense... at least with the way I say it.

somehow, this is not enough, for you, the reader, at least, but to me it is. I'm fine with having to sound as vaguely as possible, this... comforts... me. I don't need you to get the point, I don't need you to really get something out of this, actually, let's be realistic here, by the time I publish this blog entry, no one would even read this, to which I am perfectly fine with. I'm quite hesitant for people to actually take a look at this because people would merely think that I wasted their time with something as vague and as seemingly empty as this, but let me tell you, people, when you can't use words to describe what you feel, you either have a limited set of vocabulary or it's too big of a feeling or maybe even too abstract to limit it into words. I'd like to think, however, that I have a decent set of vocabulary, maybe it's just my lack of life experiences to actually recognize the underlying fault.

this would be the fourth paragraph of seemingly nonsensical thoughts put together, I dunno, does it even matter? most literary works have multiple and sometimes unnecessarily deep interpretations, why can't this blog entry be like them? probably because I am not worth the effort to do so? what am I? some random blogger with a blog layout which is around four years old, this blog layout is older than most animals in this house, that's amazing... to me, at least. but I digress, to which this blog entry seems to be full of, but no, actually it's all part of the grand scheme of things. the bigger picture that only I can see because I fail to disclose most of the details.

sometimes, let me be me.

kunsentidor

kasalukuyang nag-se-senti ako ngayon.

eww, kadiri. ewan, di ba pwedeng malungkot minsan?

sinasabayan ko ang pag-se-senti ko ngayon sa ginawa kong playlist sa mga natitirang kanta sa netbook ko. tinatamad akong ilista ang mga kantang ito, pero sasabihin ko na lang kung anong kasalukuyang tumutugtog habang nag-ta-type ako dito at kung ano ang nararamdaman ko habang pinapakinggan yung kanta. oo, gawain ng babae o effeminate yun, pero baket ba? di ba pwedeng maging in touch sa feminine side ko? madalas naman akong makasakit sa mga sports na linalaro ko eh. quits lang.

partikular ako sa musika, maarte ako, gusto ko da best lagi, o kung ano man ang da best na kaya ng budget ko. kaya importanteng malaman na ang gamit ko para pakinggan ang mga kantang ito ay isang sennheiser ie8. sige, i-google niyo yun.

now playing: Azure Ray - The Drinks We Drank Last Night

mabigat kaagad ang kanta. sa katunayan nga, pinipilit ko lang magisip ng ilalagay dito dahil isa ito sa mga kantang natutulala na lang ako at nadadala ng kanta. napaka-lungkot ng kabuoang vibe niya, saktong-sakto para sa mga mag-syota na nag-away, kaso nga lang wala naman akong kaaway at ang mas importante pa dun, wala akong syota.

now playing: Azure Ray - Displaced

azure ray nanaman?! di bale, bagay naman sa mga ganitong pagkakataon ang musika ng azure ray, napaka-lambing ng boses nila at nadadala ang kanta gamit ang synthesizers at acoustic guitar.

now playing: Foo Fighters - Walking After You

maliit pa ko at ito na pinapakinggan kong kanta pag pauwi't gabi na. pang-friendzone na pang-friendzone ang kantang ito, o baka namang nag-tampuhang mag-syota, pero sabi ko nga, wala pa kong nakatampuhan at syota, kaya mas ramdam ko na para sa mga na-friendzone at pumapayag magpa-friendzone ang kantang ito. wala naman akong problema sa pagiging friendzoned, di naman talaga ako naghahabol ng romansa sa buhay, pag andyan, andyan. sadya rin naman ako yung taong magsasabi na "I'm on your back"

now playing: Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide

isa na siguro 'to sa mga kantang kahit anong okasyon, basta marinig ko siya, nalulungkot kaagad ako o di kaya't ginaganahang mag-senti. mapa si billy corgan o ang fleetwood mac ang kumanta, nadadala ako sa emosyon ng kantang 'to. o baka dahil naalala ko yung eksena ng mid-season finale ng south park kung saan biglang naging shitty ang lahat ng bagay para kay stan marsh. di naman sa nagiging shitty ang lahat ng bagay sa pananaw ko sa tuwing pinapakinggan ko yung kanta, kahit papaano naman ay di ako lubhang cynical. mahal ko ang buhay, at naniniwala rin akong pag minahal mo ito, mamahalin ka rin niya.

now playing: The Cardigans - After All

heartache, heartbreak, ito yung kantang pinakinggan ko nung lubha akong heartbroken. isipin mo ba naman na "after all you were perfectly right" na lyrics rin ng kanta, kung di mo man naintindihan kung baket ako nag-quote. kadalasan pag napamahal ka na sa isang tao, iisipin at iisipin mo na tamang-tama siya para sa'yo, pero di rin, nakakabulag ang pag-ibig... alalahanin mo yun.

now playing: Beck - Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes

alalang-alala ko ang kantang ito dahil ito yung ginamit ko sa award winning na proyekto ko nung hayskul na indie film, dahil ginamit ko rin kasi yung original soundtrack ng eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. magandang pelikula rin yun para sa mga nasa relasyon na nawawalan na ng spark, dahil minsan kailangan lang mapaalala sa'yo kung ano ang mga naging dahilan kung baket mo inibig ang isang tao.

now playing: The Cranberries - Linger

may mga kanta talaga na pag pinakinggan mo, may naalala kang tao. period.

now playing: Feist - Let It Die

di naman sa sawi ako, nagkataon lang na biglang nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na naalala ko ang mga bagay na nagpalungkot sakin dati. isa 'to sa mga kantang naging paraan ko para malaman kung may nakakapansin nga sa mga pinag-gagawa ko, at oo, napansin kong napansin niya.

now playing: The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm

summer at tag-ulan at sawi, isa ito sa mga kantang nasa playlist ko nung lubhang sawi ako di dahil nagkaroon ako ng "first orgasm", kundi dahil tinulungan ako ng kantang ito para matauhan at malaman na "I think I could last at least a week without someone to hold me". at sa huli, naging pakiusap ko rin ang "won't you hold me?"

now playing: Jon Brion - Strings That Tie To You

isa nanamang kanta mula sa original soundtrack ng eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. minsan lang ako maging dependent sa mga tao dahil sadyang nasanay ako na mag-isa lang, at hinde, walang halong drama ang paratang na yun, mas natural lang sa akin at mas kumportable ako na maging mag-isa. pero kung nagkataon nga na umabot sa ganun at kailanganin ko ang isang tao, ito siguro yung magiging kanta ko.

now playing: wala na.

tapos na ang playlist, ang ikli lang pala at sa kalagitnaan nito di na ko nagse-senti at inaanalyze na lang ang mga kanta. sa susunod, di na ko magpapaka-ganito, mukha lang akong tanga eh. pero ayos lang, makakalimutan niyo rin naman 'to eh.

mega maul

matagal na kong di napapadpad sa mall, kaya medyo nag-atubili ako nung paalis na kami. matagal na rin akong di nakakapunta sa matataong lugar, ang pinaka huling mataong lugar na napuntahan ko ay yung championship game ng local team namin, at least dun nakaupo ka lang at nanonood, sa mall naglalakad ka't naghahanap ng damit at magagandang mukha.

maraming magagandang babae sa pilipinas, sobrang dami, o ewan, baka mababaw lang kaligayahan ko o mababa lang standards ko... pero kilala ang bansa natin sa pagiging magaling sa larangan ng beauty contests, wag ka nang magulat kung kahit ang regular na babae dito ay maganda nga. ewan ko na lang sa mga babae kung pakiramdam nila'y nagkalat ang mga gwapo sa bansang ito, o baka sobrang taas naman ng standards nila at gusto lang nilang maging boyfriend si justin bieber. kung kinaya ni arnel pineda maging bokalista ng journey, kaya niyo rin sigurong syotain si justin bieber, sige, gumawa lang kayo youtube videos baka sakali.

kababwan ko lang maituturing ang pag-tingin sa magagandang babae sa mga mall. ang mas malalim na dahilan kung baket ko ginagawa yun ay dahil natutuwa akong magbasa ng tao. akala ko dati alien ako at imposible kong maintindihan kung pano gumana ang utak at puso ng mga tao sa paligid ko, pero makalipas ng ilang taon, alam ko na ang ibig sabihin ng iba't ibang klase ng eye contact, iba't ibang klase ng facial expressions, iba't ibang klase ng tindig at postura, at iba't ibang klaseng iba't ibang bagay pa. umasenso na ko't ginawa ko nang libangan ang pag-basa ng tao. at oo, nababasa ko rin kung may gusto saken ang isang tao, maaring di laging tama ang pagkakabasa ko, pero ganun naman talaga ang tao eh, walang siguradong formula para intindihin o basahin ang mga tao.

kung may formula para maintindihan natin ang isa't isa, edi sana nagkakasundo tayong lahat at wala nang syotang nagtatampuhan o mga presidenteng nag-ge-giyerahan. kung tutuusin pa nga, tayo lang ang nagpapahirap sa sarili natin eh.

orange and lemonades redux

minabuti kong balikan ang mga kahiya-hiya kong blag entries (I can never say it enough) noong unang panahon, at may blag entry ako dati tungkol sa clichés ng mga pinoy aksyon films na nakuha ko siguro sa Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ang Pilipino ni Bob Ong, di lang ako sigurado, kahit nga sa title di ako sigurado eh. nakulangan ako sa pagpapaliwanag ko dati, kaya ngayong mas marami na kong alam sa buhay, naisipan kong bigyang liwanag muli ang mga cliché ng pinoy aksyon films... dahil oo, kailangan niyo ito.

cliché # 1: Umiikot and istorya sa paghihiganti.
reason: pinapairal ng mga pilipino ang kanilang crab mentality.

cliché # 2: Ni-rape ang kapatid ng bida o pinatay ang kamaganak n'ya(nanay, tatay, ate, kuya, kinakapatid, kabiyak, syota, kulasisi, anak, pinsan, tiyo, tiya, lolo, lola, ninong, ninang, apo, apo sa tuhod, apo sa talampakan, ninuno)
reason: sadyang mahilig ang mga pilipino

cliché # 3: Isa sa mga eksena e babastusin ang bida, o ang syota n'ya, ng mga nag-iinumang istambay.
reason: kailangan ng pilipino ng alak para kumapal lalo ang mukha at mambastos ng di kakilala

cliché # 4: Magkakagulo sa isang okasyon (kaarawan, kasal, binyag, burol).
reason: mas kapansin-pansin ang kaguluhan sa isang okasyon dahil puno ito ng tao at syempre, kailangan gumawa ng impact ng kontrabida't gumawa ng engrandeng entrance, kaya kailangan talaga niya ng maraming tao para ipaalam na andyan na siya.

cliché # 5: Hinde nakakaramdam ng sakit ang bida sa bakbakan, pero sisigaw ito at aaray pag ginagamot na ng leading lady ang mga sugat n'ya.
reason: sa harap ng mga kaaway, kailangan ipakita ng bida na matibay siya't di natitinag, ngunit sa harap ng babae, kailangang ipakita niya na vulnerable siya... at siyempre corollary nito ang cliché # 14.

cliché # 6: Pag narinig mong tumawa ang isang character nang "bwahahahahaha," automatic, kontrabida 'yon.
reason: tama nga naman si 2006 kenneth, di pwedeng tumawa ng "teehee" ang kontrabida... mali yon.

cliché # 7: Pag may gagawing masama, tumatawa ang kontrabida. Kahit habang nanggagahasa.
reason: dahil kailangang i-establish na ang kontrabida ay nakakahanap ng kaligayahan sa pag-gawa ng masama, at siyempre, dagdag creepy points yun.

cliché # 8: Smoker at mabisyo lagi ang kontrabida.
reason: dahil si hitler lang ang kontrabidang di mabisyo.

cliché # 9: Mahilig sa leather jacket and kontrabida. Kahit buwan ng Abril at tanghaling tapat.
reason: irasyonal ang pag-gawa ng masama, at para consistent sa karakter niya, magsusuot ng leather jacket ang kontrabida sa mainit na klima natin/

cliché # 10: Ang Structure ng mga kalaban: Ang Boss at ang kanyang "mga bata"
reason: third world country tayo, kaya nararapat lang na naayon sa antas ng ekonomiya natin ang struktura ng kalaban.

cliché # 11: Ang kuta ng kalaban e sa warehouse o malaking bahay.
reason: dahil dun madali mag-orchestrate ng eksenang bakbakan

cliché # 12: Lagi ding may eksena sa isang beer house.
reason: para maka-relate ang target demographic ng pelikula, at para maka-siksik ng advertisment ng alak..

cliché # 13:May seksing leading lady at may bed scene na pwedeng ikwnto sa Abante.
reason: dahil yun ang pampa-enganyo sa target demographic ng pelikula, at para makasiksik ng eksenang sumasabit sa x-rated.

cliché # 14: Pagkatapos ng nagbabagang bed scene ay mahinhin ulit ang leading lady.
reason: sa harap ng publiko, kailangang maging mahinhin ang babae... parang mga pilipina ng sinaunang panahon, ngunit sa harap ng lalake sa kama, o sa kung saan man nila ginagawa ang bed scene, kailangang ipakita ng babae na game siya... at kung naghahanap lang naman ang bida ng mahalay na babae, edi sana nang-table na lang siya ng babae sa eksena sa beer house.

cliché # 15: Marunong sa bakbakan ang babae, at kung isa ng lalake lang naman e kayang-kaya nitong patumbahin.
reason: kahit paaano eh may respeto ang mga lalake sa babae dito sa pilipinas, kaya hangga't sa maari ayaw nilang saktan ang babae... pero wala eh, di pantay ang turing ng mga babae sa lalake at todo bigay sila sa pambubugbog ng lalake.

cliché # 16: Kung mako-corner ang bida, hindi ito papatayin, ikukulong lang at papahirapan, dahil lagi s'yang gustong mahuli nang buhay ng big boss.
reason: sentimental ang mga pilipino, kahit kontrabida ka pa.

cliché # 17: Pagdating sa big boss, papatayin din s'ya, pinatagal lang ng konti.
reason: di fulfilling ang pag-paslang sa tao nang di mo makikita ng harap harapan.

cliché # 18: Mag-uusap ang bida at ang mortal na kalaban nito habang nagtututukan ng baril... mahabang pag-uusap, parang balagtasan, tila baga mag-syotang nasa telepono.
reason: napaka-diplomatic ng mga pinoy, kung pwede lang sana, di na nila ilalagay ang baril sa eksena't magtatalo na lang ang bida at kontrabida... pero dahil aksyon film, kailangan ng baril.

cliché # 19: May malakas na pagpapasabog kahit hinde naman kailangan.
reason: aksidenteng napindot lang ng crew yung trigger ng explosion.

cliché # 20: Walang malakas na pagsabog kahit na kailangan.
reason: sinayang ng crew yung pampasabog eh, di bale ibabawas naman yun sa sweldo niya.

cliché # 21: Mura lang ang baril at pwede itong itapon kung wala nang bala.
reason: china made.

cliché # 22: Makakapulot ang bida ng baril na may bala tuwing kinakailangan.
reason: lagi naman talagang may baril na nakakalat, di lang niya pinapansin ang madalas na pagkakataong may baril dahil di naman niya kailangan ito. tulad ng bed scene niya kasama ang babae, ibang magnum ang dala niya dun.

cliché # 23: Marunong at asintado sa baril ang leading lady kahit na hindi pa s'ya nakakahawak nito sa buong buhay n'ya.
reason: tama si 2006 kenneth, beginner's luck.

cliché # 24: Kaya ng dalawangpung tao sa bakbakan dahil hindi naman sila sumusugod ng sabay-sabay, laging isa-isa, parang nagsasayaw.
reason: baka magkamali ang kalaban at mabugbog ang kapwa dahil sobra sobra na sila't nagkakagulo, di niyo lang alam, may utak rin ang mga kalaban, alam nila ang principle ng diminishing marginal returns. sige, i-google mo.

cliché # 25: Hindi tinatamaan ng bala ang bida kahit na tatlumpung tao ang bumabaril sa kanya, pero lahat sila tinatamaan nya.
reason: kasama yun sa training ng bida academy

cliché # 26: Tamaan man s'ya ng bala ay laging daplis lang... bawal sa ulo o sa puso.
reason: kasama ang pag-mintis sa training ng kontrabida academy

cliché # 27: Siyam ang buhay ng bida.
reason: tama si 2006 kenneth, mahilig sa siopao ang bida

cliché # 28: Doble pa nito ang buhay ng leading lady.
reason: ayon sa unicef, mas mahaba ang life expectancy ng mga babae.

cliché # 29: Kung mamamatay man ang isa sa kanila e makakapagsalita pa ito ng isang page ng script bago malagutan ng hininga.
reason: siyempre huling minuto mo na lang sa mundo, susulitin mo na ito.

cliché # 30: Pagkatapos pakinggan ang farewell speech, titingala ang naulila at isisigaw ang pangalan ng namatay.
reason: baka kasi marinig ng namatay yung sigaw niya habang pataas siya ng langit.

cliché # 31: Pero hindi lubusang nagiging ulila ang bida dahil kadalasan itong merong spare na partner.
reason: prueba lang yan na wala talagang lonely na pilipino, mga nagiinarte lang dahil sobrang dami ng oportunidad para magkaroon ng partner.

cliché # 32: Huling darating ang maraming pulis at didiretso agad sila sa pag-aaresto sa mga kalaban. Oo, parang may palatandaan sila kung sino ang mga kalaban... at wala silang pakialam sa bida, kahit na sangkot ito sa riot!
reason: basta nabugbog, kalaban na yun. di naman mahuhuli ng punta ang mga pulis sa eksena kung di magtatagumpay ang bida. pag nananalo ang kontrabida, sakto ang dating ng mga pulis.

pero sa kapanahunan ngayon, na ang pelikulang pilipino ay puro romantic comedy o drama at ang huling lehitimong pinoy aksyon film ay yung asiong salonga, di niyo na rin siguro ito maiintindihan. kahit na ba, naging parte ito ng kasaysayan ng pelikulang pilipino at nakakatuwa minsan mag balik tanaw.

virgin forest

ayaw ko nang magpuyat hanggang alas kwatro ng umaga dahil sobrang sakit sa ulo nun... nakakairita lang.

ginawa ko ang huling blag entry ko sa maliit kong netbook at kanina ko lang nabuksan muli ang blag ko sa desktop kompyuter ko na widescreen ang monitor. pano mo malalaman kung widescreen ang monitor mo? kung pa-rectangle ito. inside joke yun.

kung tinitingnan mo nga ang blag na ito sa widescreen monitor na malamang ay karamihan na ng mga kompyuter sa panahong ito ay usong-uso, mapapansin niyo yung kulay grey sa kanang bahagi ng blag ko, inaako ko ang pagkakamaling yun. di pa uso noong 2008 o 2007 ang mga widescreen monitors, square pa ang mga monitors na pinag-gagamit ko noon, CRT pa nga ata gamit ko noon eh, at noong ginawa ko ang layout na ito gamit ang adobe photoshop at notepad para mag-html, di ko sinugradong future proof ang layout ng blag na ito.

ikinalulungkot kong tanggapin na nawala na ang kadalubhasaan ko sa html kaya wala na talaga akong ideya sa kung paano ko gagawing pang-widescreen ito. pinag-experimentuhan ko na kanina yung pag-e-html at kaya ko naman tanggalin yung kulay grey, pero ampanget pa rin tingnan kung nasa kanang dulo ng monitor mo lang ang binabasa mo... mukhang tanga lang.

maliban sa pang square na monitor na layout ng blag kong ito, nais ko rin sanang baguhin yun larawan kong mukhang tanga na naka-tali ang bangs ko. ilang taon nang nakalipas nung kinunan yun, kapanahunan pa ata ng friendster yun at sagot ako ng sagot ng mga surveys sa bulletin board, panahon na ba para baguhin ito? di ko naman ipinagkakaila na, oo, weirdo talaga ako at kung anu-anong kaweirduhan ang pinaggagawa ko kaya na-e-encapsulate ng larawang yan ang ugali ko. weirdo.

pero sabi nga nila, di umaasenso ang mga taong di marunong umadapt sa pagbabago. pero kailangan ko ba talagang umasenso sa blag na ito? may malalim na nakaraan na kong naka ambag dito at nais ko sanang mag bigay pugay sa katawa-tawa't kahiya-hiyang nakaraan. siguro sa susunod na buwan o taon ay babaguhin ko rin ang layout at larawan ko at magiging out of context ang kasalukuyang pinagsasabi ko, ewan, tingnan na lang natin.

tutal paniguradong may magbabago't magbabago, kung di ikaw, baka ako.