years of waiting

and wanting, but never really taking any action... something significant happened.

I've been meaning to write something about it, but then I was... consumed by the feeling of... I dunno how to describe it.

saying that I've waited years may sound pretty long, but being realistic, it's practically just two years. for most people though, two years seems like a long time. most relationships I know don't even last a year or so, or maybe I'm just meeting the wrong people? I dunno how I managed to endure just looking at her facebook profile, itching to click the "add as friend" button. For some, they say, that adding someone on facebook isn't too much of a big deal. maybe that's why having hundreds of virtual friends is something taken for granted.

of all the things that would happen, I never expected that the moment I've been waiting for would happen on the field I play on, with the sport I grew to love, and on the day that the last thing, no... not even the last thing, it was NEVER on the list of things that could possibly happen on that day.

saturday morning... october 22... 2012

a football tournament on UST grounds, supposedly if it weren't for the rescheduling, I would've been with my mom and sister in Mindanao on the longest zipline in Asia. but no, I chose to play, because I love winning. and so there I was with my teammates, my friends, getting prepared for clobbering time. I've been there, three times at least, and rarely do I get surprises. but that day... the girl that I like so much... was there. a teammate of mine who have known that I liked her informed me that she was there, that she was going to play "keeper" and I thought he was just fucking with me, but rarely does that guy fuck with me. but there was a great sense of disbelief and I told myself "I want her to be there, but no, it's highly improbable that she'll be there" and yes, at times I do think in english.

but yeah... she was there.

never in my wildest dreams that I will get to spend the whole day with her, playing the sport I love in the university I first saw her. though I wasn't "spending" the whole day with her, I am a bad social butterfly, no, I am a social moth... for a lack of a better term. there I was reluctantly avoiding her, but wanting to get to meet her. it happens to us sometimes, maybe... sa tagalog: torpe. and I haven't had much experience with dealing with ladies. I've been trying to compensate for my lack of ladies skills by being a confidant to them, but unfortunately I still lack the basic social skills.

practically the whole day passed and I was there just staring at her when I get the chance, she's pretty... not the prettiest, but I can settle with that. cause it never gets old. I had numerous chances of not being single and getting it on with someone and be in a relationship, not to sound cheesy though but a fair warning: it will get cheesy (if this hasn't gone cheesy yet), she has always been there. though I haven't met her yet, and yes a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, I'd rather dive into the uncertainty of the bush (and no this is not a double entendre) and take the risk of remaining single hoping to get a chance with her.

I said before though, probably not here, that I love being single. it's true, unlike most people I know, not only can I survive being single, but I can be truly happy on my own. but when the opportunity presents itself with the right person... I still do not know if I should take it. I really really REALLY want to, but then am I the right man for the job? have I developed into the person that would make it work for her?

can't answer that until I really take the first step. cause realistically, friending someone on facebook isn't too much of a step.

all natural

I saw her again today.. like I always hope for. somehow, it never gets old. I see her for a few seconds and it makes my day... really, of all the things the universe can endow me, I'd settle with her recognizing that I exist. sure you can dismiss a few seconds of eye contact to be something which happens to everyone. but I tell you, it's different. you just don't meet eyes with someone for the past two and a half years without any form of familiarization with the other person. I'm pretty sure she recognizes me...

although I noticed something different... just recently it takes a while before I recognize that it's her. like: I'd be standing and I'd look at someone... and a few seconds later... it'll register in my brain that it's her. and by the time I recognize that it's her, I'd at least stared at her for 3-5 seconds. you might argue that it's just a few seconds, but no, the subconscious mind works faster than a second... so the 3-5 seconds is huge.

apart from my delayed reflexes, I also noticed something... unappealing. it's just a little thing though, something that even I can fix. I noticed her bad choice of makeup. she's a few f-stops whiter than me, but she definitely isn't white... she's light brown at best and yet she's using makeup designed for rosy white people. imagine me putting powder on my face, and the whiteness of the powder is noticeable on my brown skin. I'm no expert but I can at least tell if someone is using the wrong makeup... not because I'm gay, but because I just have too much time on my hands. but yeah, she should've used something which blends well with her skin tone... or she shouldn't have used make up, she's pretty without it.

for more makeup tips visit: http://www.youtube.com/user/MichellePhan I'll reiterate, I am not gay. okay?

numbers define who I am

it's stupid, but for some reason... it all makes sense to me. I apply for a job, the HR will look at a sheet of paper and that is how I am judged. and I never had the best looking transcript, I have grades as high as 1 and as low as 5. that one smudge, the 5, is something I'll attribute because I didn't study hard enough, I chose to do other things...

I view myself as a martyr of some sort. I have a couple of friends who are on the brink of debarment and yet I chose to help them rather than studying for a major subject. You might argue that I might've had ulterior motives, that if I helped them, I can probably get something in return. No, they're kids on the brink of debarment, what favors could they possibly return? Apart from the thank yous and whatnot, they've got noting else to give. Thus I see myself as a good samaritan, someone who'd help people in need just because they need it.

Some people might call them losers, or useless pricks, or dregs of society, but I'd rather call them underdogs... and I love underdogs. In perspective though, we're all a bunch of losers. The microcosm where underachieving kids are labelled losers is part of a bigger society where, in the grand scheme of things, those who're on top of that microcosm are the losers of a much higher society, and so on and so forth. That's why sometimes I set my desires aside because I am well aware that no matter how I try to climb the top, there will always be people up there...

and remember: the higher they get, the harder they fall.

so my counter-argument would be: together we stand, divided we fall.

cause I believe that there is strength in numbers, and if I convert some relatively worthless prick into a somewhat productive member of society, then that's one step to a better world.

so in a sense, numbers do define who I am... no, I am not pertaining to my grades and my transcript, but the number of people whose lives I've made better. thing is, when it's about love, I am very generous... I share the love to as many people as I can... and I find solace in that because...

...in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

best in the world

until I die, I'll convince myself one thing...

that I am THE...

best in the world

which in all intents and purposes isn't really the true... for most of you at least. I know no one better than I am, thus I am THE BEST IN THE WORLD. try convincing yourself that, it works very well to keep yourself from falling into a slump.

I should be disappointed and disheartened and shit cause I had my first failure... but you know what? I deserved it. I can take it... LIKE A BOSS. My transcript is forever ruined. my employment opportunities will dwindle down to less than idea jobs. but hey, I'm the BEST IN THE WORLD. and no matter how reality disproves that, it still holds some truth in me. that I am a the best a disappointing the people around me, that I am the best in pulling out a rabbit out of my hat when you least expect it, and also I am the best at being ambivalent.

ambivalence stuck to me the most cause it's what my biology teacher back in high school, the famed Danny Seguban, told my mom. I never had a name for my style, let alone knew that I had a style. "ambivalence" has a nice ring to it... but really, it's just being "inconsistent". which is true for the most part, my inconsistency has always been THE cause for frustration for the people around me. come to think of it though, I've had times where I was consistently doing something... or consistently not doing something, and that is trying to be consistent with my performance.

I always seem to fall into the trap of resting on my laurels. I do love resting... especially on laurels, but the couch is an equally good proposition as well. both prevents me from achieving something... but hey, I wanna rest, c'mon, wouldn't you want to do it too?

guilty crucibles

when dreams fail to call me I am lost in thought, deep, harrowing, lonely.

though alienating, I feel a certain sense of fulfillment. I think, therefore I am. but no, I think, therefore I lay idle. life is not remaining unmoved. life is dynamic, life must be lived and thinking hinders me to act.

I think, therefore I am doing nothing.

doing nothing leaves me with all the possibilities and none of the achievements. it's sad, really.

so if no one else will throw the first stone, I am therefore given a chance to be first. first is good, first means you're daring, bold. but being first also means taking a risk, and not having any predecessors in which to base the path you will tread.

though many have crossed the bridge, I've yet to see mine. strangely enough, I've seen the destination but not the path.

cause looks can be deceiving.

such fleeting emotions they are

Our hearts are pretty young. I don't know, I dunno. Maybe yes, maybe no, but can I really argue?

Maybe it's wrong to be young, at times it really is. But it's not really how young you are, it's how mature you act. It is also not how old you are, but it's how youthful you still feel. What is appropriate for a beating heart to reciprocate? A decade apart? A year? A month? A week? A day? Or is it that moment you lay your eyes on someone, and time suddenly...

stop

it is never really logical, rarely can you find the right rationalization. maybe it's a biological reaction? could hesitation be essential? a lot has been through the most crippling of moments, leaving you unable to act on it.

it's stupid, believe it.

but it is what makes everyone else happy. the only thing making a tricycle slow is it's third wheel. such a hindrance perhaps? but no I still cannot say that I love you. not only have I grasped the concept of love completely, but I've yet to make that first step.

a step forward? I hope

a step sidewards? I can settle for that

or a step backward?

I hope never to live in dreams of bliss, that I may be able to make it into reality... no matter how it may suck, at least it's a step forward.

because time is a fixed construct.

alas dose na

pero gising pa rin ako... not that it matters to most of you.

siguro you guys'd be all like "psh... ako nga alas tres na natutulog eh" no, di ako nakikipag-pataasan ng ihi. kung may plano sana akong makipag-pataasan ng ihi di na sana ako nag-blag. dahil tanggapin na natin, di ko forte ang pagsusulat at wala naman talaga akong ma-ishowcase sa pag-ba-blag.

pero baket ba, eh sa gusto ko makapag-blag ulet dahil... ewan. it's a medium in which I can be public about what I feel and at the same time feel that it's kept secret because let's face it, multiply blogging is dying. pero tulad ng ekonomiya ng pilipinas nung recession ng america, wala ring pinagkaiba ang amount of readers ko dito... and god damn it, parang recurring theme na sa blag ko ang mag-reklamo tungkol sa lack of readership base ko. in a way, I'm breaking the fourth wall, either that or I get a bit too meta with my blog entries.

speaking of meta, di na ko makapag-hintay na bumalik ang NBA at payagan na ng judiciary ng america na mapalitan pangalan ni Ron Artest. gusto ko nang marinig mga commentators na sabihing "Metta World Peace for three!" at makakita ng World Peace Lakers jerseys. bago ako mamatay, gusto ko rin baguhin pangalan ko... ng Double Cheeseburger Deluxe.

kelangan ko ng blag

wala akong matinong makausap sa oras na ito. kung di sabaw ang usapan, di sila mag-re-reply. pero sanay naman na ko sa scenariong yun. hmmmm... except siguro yung sabaw na kausap, kadalasan kasi di talaga nagrereply mga kachat ko eh.

pero baket nga ba natin klenagan ng kausap? baket nga ba natin kelangan ng kasama? at baket nga ba natin kelangan natin manatiling in touch sa mga tao? lalo na't uso na ang internet at sms, kahit mag-isa tayo para na ring andyan mga kaibigan o kaaway natin. sa panahon rin ng internet at sms lalong nagiging cheap ang pagiging torpe. dati-rati kapag torpe ka, upang makilala ang iniirog mo, magpapatulong ka sa mga kakilala niya. may socialization na nangyayari on a personal level, pero ngayon andali na lang mag-add... madali rin ma-reject. ang bridge mo online service, devoid of any meaningful human interaction, not unless you consider typing a meaningful human interaction... though nowadays that seems to be the trend, especially for people who practically live in the internet.

erase... ayaw kong mag-ingles.

dati-rati rin kapag torpe ka upang makapag-reach out sa iniirog mo, gagawan mo pa siya ng love letter. di pa uso emoticons nun, kaya mas formal pa dating. pero most importantly, sulat kamay at sariling papel ang gamit... in short, heartfelt pa ang pag-communicate. ngayon, ang synthetic ng feel. pwede na mag-text, pwede na mag-im, pwede na mag-poke.

dati-rati kapag torpe ka upang makilala ang iniirog mo, either kilalanin mo through her friend o kilalanin mo talaga siya. eh ngayon andali na lang mag-type ng pangalan sa google, not unless google-proof ang pangalan mo tulad ng Kenneth Fernandez. pinadali ng internet ang pag-sa-stalk, I should know dahil experto ako dito.

pero sino nga ba ako para ipagkumpara ang practices ng mga torpe noon at ngayon? oo aminado ako na modern day torpe ako. nakikita't nararanasan ko ang kung anu-anong katorpehan ng internet age. oo, madali, pero it cheapens the sincerity of your advances. pero if your online advances can translate well into the real world, good for you... eh malas ko na lang.

pero oo nga naman, kung real life ang tawag mo sa personal interaction... so ibig sabihin di real ang interaction niyo online?

sunrises

I like waking up early...

there is something uplifting about the sight of trees... sparkling... the morning dew help the trees emanate this beautiful aura.

the warmth of the sunlight kissing your cheeks as you lie on your bed. then you open your eyes and all colors are vivid. the grass is as green as it can be... and you lay there. moist. comforting.

...but unfortunately I find it difficult to get off from bed.

socially aware

it seems to me that the more social networking sites you regularly use, the better the likelihood that you do not have a real life.

either that or I am again full of shit.

but really, everything nowadays can be done online. You can make friends online, buy stuff online, be a total jackass under a shroud of anonymity online, or even have an erotic conversation with someone and say you had "sex"... it's awesome, yeah sure, but sometimes it prevents us from really connecting to other people... and no, I haven't done every single aforementioned activities.

do you really think that the friends you only talk to online is as good as a friend who's personally there with you?

probably, yeah... hmmm... most likely.

but there are things you miss when you just send instant messages to each other... such as sarcasm. it's such a difficult thing to convey using only words. well, smileys help... and maybe that desperate /sarcasm tag, but yeah... I am totally lost and I do not know what my point is anymore.

enjoy the silence.

chance encounters

sometimes you just wish that everything good in the world would just fall in place. but unfortunately, we have to work hard for whatever good you want out of life.

...or sometimes when you're lucky, maybe you're one of the few lucky individuals to be able to have good things happen to you just because you were in the right place at the right time. if so, please do not waste the opportunity given to you...

but for everyone else, I sympathize. I would also the things I like so much to just be there or at least the opportunity to be able to be with whatever I like so much, in the proper context.

*whispers something to you*

change for a dollar?

am I really that creepy? probably yeah, I've always been known to be offbeat and generally unwelcoming... but we're beings capable of change, am I not? I am pretty certain that I am not the most consistent person on the planet, ergo I can change...

...the question is, do I want to change?

for the right reasons, maybe. but sometimes change is something which happens spontaneously, you'd be surprised you're put into situations which isn't what we wanted nor expected but we have to adapt.

but unlike science, there is no specific formula to follow. you change according to what you are capable of, according to what you allow yourself to... and I am sounding like a self-help book. no, I am not in the market for helping others... if it happens, it happens; if it doesn't, then I might make it happen.

I have my eyes set on you.

everybody lies

I seemed to have grown numb with lies. its like when I hear people lying to each other or worse, people lying to me, I just... am not affected as much as I am supposed to be. cause our natural tendencies dictate us to really really get disappointed or pissed when being lied to... but not me.

but really, what sucks about being lied to is that intrinsically we all want to be part of the truth because the world is full of uncertainty as it is, and it hurts us to be disconnected from the truth or reality just because others withheld the truth from us.

it sucks, yeah... but c'mon, you just gotta learn how to accept that at any point during your conversation with someone, they're bound to lie...

cause grief ends in acceptance.

home front

the multiply blog has always been my home...

although I started blogging on friendster and then on blogger, I seemed to have blogged the most on multiply. and I feel like I should start blogging again, cause I have a lot to say even though nobody really is interested... the character limitation on facebook status updates is pretty castrating, although it ain't really a blog to begin with. but yeah, I'd rather blog in this niche.

cause blogs are supposed to be online journals where people couldn't care less about what you write... and THIS... an online journal which nobody reads! its genius! it gives the illusion of being a public journal but remains private because... well in order for something to be public there must be a populace, and apparently everyone are either using facebook or tumblr...so... YEAH!

I wish I can be more articulate but I just can't right now...

osom

is a letter short of the woman's mammary glands.

and here I go again being inappropriate... I've always been anyway.

and here I go again using ellipses... as I've always been as well.

no, I am not back to my old self... or who knows. I lost my ability to type without ellipses, and... there. and I use a lot of 'I's in my blog entries... I just don't know why I can't control my excessive use of... I.

dunno.

no, I am not under the influence of any chemical... hmmm... probably I am. but not something illegal... cause being sober is OSOM.

this will be a quick read, I promise.

read

then its quick.

tae, I like her.

shit, gusto ko siya.

kahit gano karami ang i-tukso saken o ang matipuhan ko, di ko magawang ibaling ang tingin ko sa iba.

ilang blag entry ko na sigurong kine-kwento ang babaeng tinatawag ko lang na 'this girl I like so much', ayaw ko pang sabihin pangalan niya dito. baket? una, kasi I might jinx my pursuit. at panglawa, she doesn't have the most google-proof name. parang i-type mo nga lang sa google yung pangalan na she's commonly called, 1st page pa lang lalabas na kaagad friendster profile niya.

ancheesy oo, pero masyado akong torpe para lapitan siya out of nowhere at magpakilala.

olats ako sa mga taong may gusto ako. although generally olats talaga ako sa mga babae, sadyang mas olats ako kapag may pagtingin ako. dahil... ewan. ano nga ba kinakatakutan ko?

naalala ko tuloy yung pelikulang Groundhog Day kung saan paulit-ulit na gumigising sa isang araw si Bill Murray. sa pelikulang iyon ko napagtanto, what's stopping me from doing certain things? then it hit me... CONSEQUENCES. mas malakas ang loob ni Bill Murray gumawa ng kung anu-anong bagay nung nalaman niyang stuck siya sa groundhog day, kasi bukas parang walang ring nangyari, alaala na lang ng araw na isasabuhay niya pagkagising niya ulet.

kaya tanongin natin, sa ka ba takot?

sa rejection?

takot ka dahil?

maaring pag nakita niya ulet ako eh may awkward na atmosphere?

pano ka nakakasigurong mangyayari yun?

di naman talaga ako sigurado eh, isa yun sa posibilidad.

pero baket yun yung iniisip mo kaagad?

kasi pessimist ako.

at sa tingin mo ba magkakatuluyan kayo sa ganyang attitude?

pag nagkaroon ng mirakulo, oo.

ayun nga, kaso nga lang minsan mo na lang siya makita at minsan lang rin mangyari ang mga mirakulo, kaya sobrang slim na yung pagkakataon na mangyari yan.

ngunit naniniwala akong may ginagawang paraan ang universe para magkatuluyan kami!

ang fanny mo! but seriously, ano hinihintay mo? groundhog day?

hmmm... oo nga 'no. maghihintay ako para sa groundhog day! pero di yung literal na sa bawat pagtulog ko eh magigising ako sa parehong araw at maging stuck sa isang cycle. walang napapala ang ganun! kaya hihintayin kong magkaroon ng pagkakataon na non-factor na ang consequences ng actions ko!

at kelan naman yun?

pagka-gradweyt niya sa uste!

seriously?! maghihintay ka ng isa pang taon para magpakilala? pano?

sa peysbuk, mag-me-message ako sa kanya. or sabihan ko yung 8 naming common friends na sabihan siya.

sa tingin mo ba epektib yan? and besides, isang taon yun pare! sa tingin mo ba maghihintay siya para sa stalker? ang masaklap pa dun, di ka pa super hot o accomplished sa buhay! lousy pare.

pero... ewan. bale sa tingin mo kelangan ko nang magpakilala as soon as possible?

the sooner the better syempre. para pag nag-fail ka ngayon, di ka manghihinayang sa panahong sinayang mo at mas mabilis kang makakahanap ng iba. o better yet, mas mabilis mong marerealize na tatanda kang binata!

siguro nga, walang nararating ang mga di nagkukusa. kumbaga in english, you can't get there if you don't take the first step.

no, don't think of it that way. you've already taken the first step. no matter how creepy it may sound like, getting to know her without her knowing it (read: stalking) is a first step. now you have to take another step forward! or if you think stalking her for almost a year is the other step I was pertaining to, then take the leap.

I guess so... yeah. thanks. if only you weren't just some fabricated persona which makes me look... schizophrenic.

but anyway, that conversation just made me... more than creepy. cause being a stalker alone is creepy in itself, but talking to oneself in a public blog? that's just... disturbing.

disturbing enough to make me want KFC.

y'know, truth is...

...it ain't absolute.

no matter how real something feels like. for all we know everything is an illusion. when we dream, we rarely are aware that we are dreaming until we wake up. we are aware that a dream is just a dream because it never has any form of continuity, whereas in the waking world, most often than not, we lie on the same bed we fell asleep in. until we fall asleep again and probably dream, a dream is but an episode of unknown origin, and purpose.

*this is where science ends and fictional literature begin*

a year ago today, I kept having frequent dreams of a girl I like so much. never had I experienced dreaming of the same person again and again and again. I then dismissed it as my subconscious satisfying my need to be with the girl. but a semester after, I was heavily engrossed with Hindu philosophy... every thought and action was influenced by Hindu beliefs. so then I developed this idea, given the assertion that the universe (Brahman) and our soul (Atman) flows as one, that dreams are messages of the universe to us.

thinking that the universe foreshadows what will happen, I started to develop an Islamic notion of surrendering to the will of Allah.

woah... wait, Allah? I thought we were talking about Brahman and Atman?

I believe in a pluralistic god. same god, different names from different cultures. I think its the god which remains the same, but its the culture in which the religion grew in which molds the dogma associated to the religion.

so I believe that all religions each have truth in them, some may contradict each other, but there will always be one unifying notion of something to hold on to because there really are things which we can't explain. science and empiricism gets the job done to a certain extent, but things deemed foolish by intellectuals such as faith and freak occurrences called miracles are what religion is there for.

I used to be some pseudo-intellectual who believed that god didn't exist and eventually doubted the non-existence of a god. now look at me, a kid who does not only believe in a god, but a few other more. it sounds absurd, but really, life can take a convoluted turn and change you into someone you didn't knew could possibly exist.

who knows? we probably are wrong after all.

masyado nang maraming namumrublema

baket pa ko dadagdag diba?

kahit sabihin na nating di talaga kagandahan ang buhay at worth ranting siya. pero why bother? masyado nang maraming gusto dumada ng dumada at wala na atang natitirang taong handang makinig.

fortunately, isa ako dun.

kadalasan na lang, pinapakwento ko yung mga kaibigan o kasama ko. tapos ganun na yun hangagng huli, puro siya na lang nagsasalita.di naman sa minamasama ko ang kung sino mang maraming gustong sabihin o sinasabi, kung tutuusin mas gusto ko pa ngang maging katulad nila.

kaya siguro ako na lang lagi yung nakikinig kasi wala talaga akong masabing may katuturan. prime example na siguro blag ko. kung tutuusin naman kasi dito lang naman ako naglalabas ng hinaing at di sa kaibigan dahil #1: mauuna pa silang mag-salita bago ako, #2: sabaw ako lagi, #3: I have trouble organizing my thoughts, and #4: magkwe-kwento lang naman ako para magpatawa.

unless na lang malapit kitang kaibigan, at ku-kwentuhan... actually hinde... kumbaga eh, kapag malapit kitang kaibigan, para kang writer ni Thomas Aquinas. dahil siyempre ayon sa Philo prof ko, ang style daw ni Thomas Aquinas eh meron siya iba't ibang secretary na handang isulat ang kung anu mang pumasok sa isip niya depending on the topic. parang may secretary siya para sa metaphysics, o sa theology, o sa proof of god, o whatever. to put it in simple terms, bino-bombard ko sa mga theories ko ang mga malapit kong kaibigan.

at least di ko sila bino-bore sa problema ko na paki ba talaga nila kung sabihin ko. as if naman may mapapala sila pag nalaman nilang may problema ako. cynical, oo. pero ganun ako.

i believe in god the father almighty

no, seriously... he speaks to me... by making shit happen to me.

cause a while ago during a family dinner with my aunts and cousins and all, I kept on saying "HAIL SATAN!" and after repeating the line every time I try to do something greedy on the dinner table, shit happened!

...my cheap touch screen phone got drenched in soda
...I slipped and my shin got hit by hard wood, and so did my head.
...and I go scorched by my uncle's cigarette.

GOD IS TELLING ME TO STOP HAILING SATAN!

...the last incident was a reminder how hot hell is!
...the 2nd incident was a reminder how I will be bludgeoned by satan's minions!
...and the 1st incident was a reminder that satan will take all of my possessions away!

those are 3 incidents... the number of absoluteness! THE HOLY TRINITY! 3 + 3 = 6 make it 3 digits... its 666!

666 IS REAL!

actually it gets creepier.. creepier.. mehehehe

before we left the place, a group of religious people was watching a documentary entitled...

666 IS REAL

SERIOUSLY GUYS, if that wasn't God speaking to me... its the Universe.. its Brahman! but point is these incidents are too creepy to just be dismissed as a coincidence. think about it... REALLY REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

or just don't think about it, thinking and religion never did go too well together.

I knew the years would move quickly...

...but never quite as fast as this.

pero ewan, gagawa ba ko ng New Year's Resolution? di naman ako gumagawa ng ganun ever, at tamad naman akong nilalang kaya di rin matutuloy yun eh.

oo nga 'no, gawin ko kayang New Year's Resolution na di na ko magiging tamad!

meh.. sabi sa TV ang dapat gawing New Year's Resolution eh yung bagay na di mo na makayanan. eh di naman problema saken ang pagiging tamad eh. oo nga may mga bagay akong di nagagawa o natatapos, oo puro mediocre lang grades ko... pero at least di pa ko nagsa-suffer ng malubha dahil sa katamaran.

so what? maghihintay akong may masamang mangyari saken?

c'mon! as if naman may nangyayaring masama pag tamad ka. walang mangyayaring masama sa taong tamad! bagkus, ang mga masasamang bagay ay nangyayari sa mga taong may ginagawa. tulad ng isang lawyer na di tamad, ipinagtanggol ang isang kliyente niya, at ang kalaban niya ay isang malaking organized crime ring... nung naipanalo niya ang kaso, pinatumba siya ng bossing ng organized crime ring. oo, nagsipag siya at gumawa ng mabuti... pero may nangyaring masama sa kanya!

oo, yung fictitious na scenario ang gagamitin ko para i-justify ang katamaran ko. but point is, I get by... I passed UST, isang institusyon na pinaghirapang pasukan ng mga taga-FEU o UE, nang tamad. I haven't failed any subject in college, although may mga pagkakataon na muntik na ko, nang tamad. oo, walang nararating ang tamad, alam ko yun. at mas pinili ko pa rin maging tamad kahit alam ko na ang ramifications ng gagawin ko, or lack thereof. pero yun ang mas madaling daan na pwede tahakin. ang walang gawin.

kaya di pa ko nagiging honor student, kaya isa akong malaking disappointment sa mga former mentors ko, kaya di pa ko nagkakagirlfriend, kaya di pa ko nagkaka-lisensya, kaya na-deactivate yung sim ko... maraming bagay ang kulang saken dahil sa katamaran ko. pero hey, its not a problem. billion others can live without those things, why can't I be one of them?

cause they are miserable folks who go nowhere... but you have the potential to do great.

true, I've always been aware that I am capable of doing great things... pero without self-control or determination you won't be able to do anything. that's the problem with the world, they tell you that you have the potential... and that's it. they just state a possibility, and they expect you to do it. yeah sure, if insert name of an accomplished individual here can do it, then why can't you? oh yeah... but remember the known fact that NOT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME?

some people can be their best by working their asses off, but not for me. I guess I can, but... I've always been too lazy... and I am too lazy to even change it.

so this 2011, I will...

reasons why everone should race

everyone should know the fundamentals of racing. that'd make the world a better place.

why?

cause before you were even born, you started out as a race. or at least half of you did. read: union of sperm and egg cells

but apart from that, I have legitimate reasons why everyone should know how to race.

cause I've been playing Gran Turismo 5 for quite some time now and after playing the series for more than a decade, I realized something... that there are certain aspects of racing which works in our daily lives.

yeah sure, racing is just about who gets from point A to point B first, but there are things which happens in between points A and B.

exhibit A:
The Tires - defined as the only part of the car that gets into contact with the road itself and thus gets you to the finish line, tires are pretty important if you want to win a race.

there was an instance where I tuned up a car, overhauled the engine and all that jazz. what I practically did was I made it a very very very powerful car capable of speeds nearing 300km/h. I did a race using that car, but then shit started to happen. my car would spin out of control at times, it won't break as intended so I crashed into a pile of tires. I analyzed the post-race data in order to find out what went wrong... it was the tires. I had hard comfort tires, which practically doesn't have grip... ergo, I skid around the tracks and spun out of control.

moral of the story? I have a lot of things in mind really... like how its important to be grounded. or what truly matters is what makes contact. or you have to get a grip on things, otherwise you'd lose control. its open to sooooo much interpretation, so I'll let you decide cause I can't.

exhibit B-
Lap Time

racing, just like running events, is timed. time how long it took you to finish one lap, time it took you to finish the whole race. and its pretty much a sport where every second count.

I was doing a license test, and in order to get gold I have to finish the track in 1 minute and 17 seconds... and to finish silver 1 minute and 19 seconds... and to finish bronze was 1 minute and 25 seconds. I practically spent the whole night trying to finish the track 2 seconds faster than I did. I spent more than 5 hours trying to nail that 2 seconds. TWO SECONDS FOR GOD'S SAKE!! yeah sure, I came close... 1 second shaved off. but I came closest when I finished 1 minute and 17.298 seconds. I made a fucking mistake for .298 seconds... its insane and unforgiving. just like life.

moral of the story, you may not notice it... but every second counts, seriously. you can try to downplay the importance of the seconds in your life, but who knows? those seconds you waste can possibly turn into 60. and that 60 can turn into 3,600. and that 3,600 can turn into 86,400. which can turn into 604,800... and you get the point. or you don't... either way, this entry is just as good as toilet literature.

exhibit C-
What's Outside The Windows

while doing this blog entry, I ran out of ideas, cause my main point really was exhibit B. but then I started playing again. I was driving a Lamborghini Gallardo, if you're not familiar with the car think: super badass 400 horsepower sportscar. It was at night, at Tuscany. I drove as fast as I could in the darkness, only my headlamps showing the way... but at the middle of the race, out in the distance there were fireworks. it looked beautiful, coloring the night sky, good music playing from the background... I was distracted. for a second I took my eyes of the visible road, but then I crashed into the barriers. I eventually lost the race, all because of... video game fireworks! not even the fancy, Paskuhan type fireworks.

for the nth time, moral of the story: keep your eyes on the road. you will be presented with a million other temptations, but remember to focus... otherwise you'll get screwed. or I dunno, sometimes you're not even on the right track, and your true destination is towards the fireworks.

anyway... I can't think of anything else cause some annoying kid is pretending to fight the TV. its 42 inches and its LCD... ergo, its bigger than the boy and its pretty fragile. and the TV is the only thing I have. apart from my playstation... and this netbook.. and my family.

but yeah, I hate kids. I don't find them cute. I think they're annoying. and thank god they don't understand english, cause they're reading this just as I type. *ding* I just had an amazing idea.

"hey kids, FUCK YOU"

put your hang up in the air

aftermath ng pasko...

marami sigurong di nakatanggap ng regalong inaasam nila, marami sigurong di nagkaroon ng matinong celebration, at marami rin sigurong di nagpasko... dahil di sila katoliko.

...at sa dinami-dami ng taong yun, kayo lang ang magbabasa nito na di man lang aabot ng double digits.

oo, nadismaya rin ako... pero di lang ngayong holiday season. on a regular basis, nadidisappoint ako. irrational, oo, pero what can I do, di naman ako makina para maka-get over it kaagad. come to think of it, pag nadidisappoint ako ng bongga, nag-va-vow ako na balang araw mapapa-sakin din yung di ko natanggap noon.

kaya pag di ko nabibili yung laruan na gusto ko talaga, pina-pramis ko sa sarili ko na "balang araw, magkakatrabaho ako, yayaman ako, at mabibili ko rin yang laruan na yan" magpupursigi akong makuha yan para balang araw ma-re-live ko yung youth that I've always wanted. parang si Michael Jackson. at oo, alam kong wasak ang buhay niya. pero what can I do, I don't have the luxury of being human enough to care for others.

oo, isa akong selfish na nilalang. yun lagi ang pinupukpok ng magulang ko sa aking kokote. pero di ko na sila kokontrahin, aminado naman ako eh. I only care about myself, and I only care about others if their well being will benefits me.

pero ayun, nabubuhay ako para sa sarili ko, para sa mga gamit na di ko nakuha. at pagkatanda ko, pagka wala na ang magulang ko ay may asawa na mga kapatid ko, nakatira ako mag-isa sa condo ko na puno ng mga laruan na may dalawang tennis court, isang hard court at clay.

lahat ng makamundong bagay ay inasam ko ng sobra...

...until I discovered religion.

oo, religion changed my life.

*this is the part where you get shocked and not be able to fully grasp the idea that Kenneth was touched by religion*

no, the scriptures didn't tell me anything. napipikon ako pag nagse-sermon ang pari, lalo na pag tungkol sa pamilya o sa pera o sa trabaho o sa marangyang buhay... as if naman may sapat na karanasan siya bilang isang ama, o negosyante, o in demand na bachelor. at ang masaklap pa dun, linggo-linggo pumupunta ang libu-libong nananalig para sabihang may mali sa kanila and shit. o baka di sila nakikinig critically habang nagsesermon ang pari o baka nag-zo-zone out lang sila habang misa at ginagawa lang ito na parang routine. at yun ang masaklap sa catholic church.

kaya I have found solace in Hinduism.

oo, sa relihiyong nageencourage na hugasan ang sarili sa maduming ilog ng Ganges.

oo, sa relihiyiong sinusunog ang mga newly-widowed.

oo, sa relihiyong rine-revere ang holy shit.

salamat sa subject kong Philosophical Anthropology, ang bullshit (pun intended) na practices ng Hinduism finally made sense. sa paniniwala ng mga Hindu ko nabitawan ang pagiging materialistic ko, ang pagiging stuck sa cycle ng consumerism, and most importantly, ang mga hang up ko.

oo, masyadong mystical ang paniniwala ng mga Hindu. at oo, mas may rational explanation ang Buddhism. pero ewan, Hindu belief really struck home for me. mula sa mga readings ng Upanishads, at ang pag-explain na within us are souls which is Atman, which is a part of the greater universe which is Brahman. so ibig sabihin our souls and the universe flows as one, we are part of the universe in as much as the universe is part of us.

pero on a more practical sense, sa Hinduism ko rin natutunan na we give in to our material wants in order to appease the pain of being incomplete. and Hinduism encourages us to find the true self, the self which does not experience pain and therefore does not need worldly belongings, the state of dreamless sleep. because in our waking hours, we are stuck in a cycle of wanting something and once we get it, we shift our wants elsewhere. I mean we already are already stuck in a cycle of birth and rebirth, according to Hindu and Buddhist beliefs, although I do not subscribe to that concept fully.

cause at the end of the road when all is said and done, you'll look back and ponder... what did I live for? what were the dreams that I chased? for what did I spent my past 60 years (assuming you live up to the life expectancy of a male Filipino) for?

will you allow yourself to be hung up on a cycle of materialism in order to get your mind off the pain of living with the material self?

or will you take the noble path?

...to find the self which does not experience pain from a lack of material things. the self which finds solace on its own without having to depend on anything.

maligayang paksiw

baket kaya may mga taong di nararamdaman ang pasko?

may kaibigan akong may girlfriend at mayaman, pero di niya daw nararamdaman ang pasko.

may kaibigan akong weirdo at sakristan na know it all, di rin daw niya nararadaman na pasko.

at ako, ang batang maraming hangups na walang ginawa buong taon kundi man-stalk... pero nararamdaman ko naman ang spirit of christmas.

anong klaseng tao ba ang manhid sa spirit of christmas? malabong isang miserableng tao, dahil may kilala akong thrid world equivalent ni richie rich pero di daw niya nararamdaman na pasko na. posible siguro na may kulang sa kanila o may inaasahan silang may magandang mangyayari sa pasko pero di nangyari kaya nadismaya siguro sila.

kaya as much as possible, I keep my expectations low.

ano ba naman kasi mapapala mo pag nag-expect ka ng bongga diba? as if naman may telepathic ability ka para lalong pagbutihin ng universe na gawin ang inaasahan mo. pwede mo rin sabihin sa tao na mataas expectation mo sa kanila, pero pasko ang pinaguusapan natin. di mo pwede sabihin na mataas expectation mo sa isang abstract idea, kasi magmumuka kang avid reader ng mga self-help books.

wala namang masama sa pag-basa ng self-help books, marangal na pinagkakakitaan rin yan at as if naman ganun ka-laki ang royalties na natatanggap ng mga awtor ng mga librong yan.

pero ayun... kahit papaano umasa na rin ako at na-disappoint. pero dahil naman kasi ang pag-asa lang ang ginawa ko. di ko sinet up yung sitwasyon upang mangyari ang inaasahan ko. tulad lang kanina, inaasahan kong dadaan kami sa isang mall para makabili ako ng Gran Turismo 5. pero next time na lang daw. o inasahan ko dati na mananalo ang Nederland laban sa Espanya nung World Cup Final. pero naputol ang winning streak ng pambato ko. o tulad ng pag-exam ko sa ateneo, na dahil sobrang nadalian ako feel na feel ko nang magiging katipunan boy na ko. pero hinde, ang tumanggap saken ay ang royal and pontifical.

siguro naman mas masaklap ang mga disappointing moments ng karamihan ng tao, pero kahit gano pa ka-babaw ang sitwasyon ko. dagok pa rin ito.

pero di ako magdadrama sa isang tabi buong araw at magsasayang ng oras. hinde, magdadrama lang ako ng ilang minuto for added effect, matapos nito ay pagpaplanuhan ko na ang susunod kong gagawin. madalas ko nga sabihin sa sarili ko "now that I am in deep shit, how do I swim out of it?" oo, kahit sarili kong psyche iniingles ko, at oo yun na yung metaphor na gagamitin ko.

bilang isang ekonomista, lahat ng bagay ay maka-classify as resource, kahit ang time. at trabaho ng isang ekonomista ang pag-maximize ng resources. exception to the rule ang peysbuk, ayos lang pagsayangan ng panahon ang peysbuk... ewan ko kung baket.. pero ayos lang. pero ang pag-dadrama at pag-whine, wala kang napapala dun.. maaring mas wala kang mapapala sa peysbuk.. pero at least di ka malungkot o nababagot... unless nagdadrama ka habang gumagamit ng peysbuk, krimen na yun.

ewan ko ba kung ano point ko, pero lagi naman akong malabo eh... what difference does it make? tska lagi namang wala kang mapapala sa pag-basa nito eh... kaya mag peysbuk ka na lang...

...better yet, go out and make the world a better place to live in one deed at a time. ayos?

to get her

that's what you have to do in order to be TOGETHER.

but as of now, I just want to talk to her. so I'll be a STALKER.

just pretend it rolls off the tongue pretty well.

anyway, I wanted this to be part 2 of my last entry, cause... I didn't seem to end it all too well. and because I wanted to say more but I wasn't able to cause... some random intellectual property right came to mind and my train of thought got derailed.

part 2:

okay, stalking isn't the easiest thing to do. no wait, it is. cause I seem to get a kick out of trying to live out scenarios in the games I play. err... don't get the idea that I play creepy stalker games. no, I play normal games normal people play... in america, or japan, or europe. cause normal people here in the philippines play dota and stuff. which I can't seem to enjoy. or probably I am just too pussified to face tough competition.

stalking probably is pathetic to some, if not, everyone. yeah, I'll admit it, I don't have the balls to just approach someone and say hi. It doesn't work that way for me, I work better in the shadows. like an assassination job, but instead of me doing the killing, its cupid's job to pull the string of his/her bow, all I have to do is to provide a name, a face, an information.

cause really, the one I am stalking right now wasn't the easiest to catch. last year, the only thing I knew about her was she's a 2nd year Literature major. but now, I pretty much know her educational background, activities she engaged in, her family, the car his dad drives, her friends, and her friends information. tell me now, I am just fucking awesome right?

Once I was in a contemplative state after watching Richard Linklater's Waking Life, I had the balls to click the 'add as friend' button. but having no friends in common, she ignored my request. after which I got paranoid, thinking that she probably knows me now and I am a sitting duck waiting to be ridiculed by her army of girls which came from exclusive schools. and a swarm of exclusive school girls are, scary.

she knows me, but I know her more. but it came to a point where it felt like it was some worthless research. its like doing philosophical dissertations, it ain't practical. a dude with balls would've gotten her with lesser effort than a stalker like me would. and so it came to be, it was probably a summer of love, or something else. but if my intel was correct at the time, she had a relationship from May to late-November/early-December. even if she might've broken up, I feel like I missed the chance. cause it'll roughly be around a year and a half until she graduates, and during my senior year I should stop being a stalker...

...by then she and I have to be together™

can you say 'stalker'?

for a year now, it seems... but it doesn't feel like its that long. or probably because I don't think about how long it has been. and to prove that, I'll prove myself wrong by saying that I started stalking her january of 2010.

it's been almost a year... what's new?

I vowed last year to find out her name, to put a name on that beautiful painting. but no (it may sound cheesy) she's more than a painting. cause I seemed to have placed her on a pedestal (and you can't put paintings on pedestals) and I feel inferior to her (which to some extent is true but that's not the point)

and when you feel inferior, you feel like you don't have the right to have someone or something. and I don't want that to happen. I would like to believe (no matter how far fetched it may be) that she and I will be something. without the drama of being overly possessive and insecure, like my good friend which seems to have problems with his girlfriend every now and then. wait, on second thought, 'every now and then' is an understatement, 'every single day' makes sense.

tall, dark, and lovely. that's me, wouldn't you agree? that's also her.

I'm not pretty sure if I posted this long ago, but she's different. I'd see her for a few seconds, and it makes my day. or even before my day start, I'd be with her in a dream and the moment I wake up with that hazy memory of being with her already makes my day. Some days, I'd try to stay a bit longer at school just to catch a glimpse of her. Are there other people who are as obsessed as I am? who knows. but fact of the matter is, she's different. different from every pretty face I see in university.

like, no matter how many pretty faces catch my eyes, there'll be this one lady who catches my heart.

OKAY! THAT LINE IS MINE! I WILL SUE ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PUT IT IN THEIR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY WITHOUT GIVING ME DUE COMPENSATION! I'll put a trademark after it just to prove my point.

like, no matter how many pretty faces catch my eyes, there'll be this one lady who catches my heart.™

SO NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT LINE!!

or probably you can, if and only if, you girl caught you checking out other ladies. and if that wins the argument, then send me money!

wow, I've deviated from the topic like... I'm trippin' on shrooms.

25 days ago...

...someone was reading the seemingly sensible ideas from an anhedonic individual.

25 days later...

...I type again.

I do not expect people to read this anymore, and by people I meant the one or two readers I normally have. In the same manner as the populace from social networking sites move from one site to another determined by trends and the amount of people using it, Multiply has died.

I am merely feeding a dead man's agape mouth by still doing this.

I won't be here for too long, maybe a few posts here and there... until it all dies out. Which seems to be the case in online trends. cause everything is just a trend, what we waste time on will not matter in the next decade. The things which we try to accomplish on websites are short-term triumphs. We seemed to have been conditioned by the internet to live in the present, which I do think should be, but we also seemed to have lost the ability to step back and look at what we are doing into perspective.

Its either that or I am making assumptions based on things pulled out from my ass.

which seems to be the case innit?

lover's speat

it feels different now, when I hear her song... resonating in my head.

initially, it gave me a great sense of optimism. it made me believe that maybe this was really it given that I felt something every time our eyes meet, even just for a second or two. I might've blew my chances when I had it before, now it all seems like a blur.

at times I can still feel the optimism though faint, it's still there... like a ship disappearing into the horizon.

but nowadays, its nothing but a lost cause it seems. something which felt real, but really isn't. something which I almost had, but never got.

I guess I truly am tied to a night we've never met...

...hi I am Kenneth.. and you are?

nagaaral ako tapos bilang may na-amoy akong iniihaw na liempo

kaya naisipan kong bumalik sa friendster

oo, may koneksyon yun... maniwala ka saken.

linibot ko ang friendster (na siyempre, naka-anonymous) at di ko akalaing magiging isang time capsule ang websayt na ito.

dito ko binabalikan ang masalimuot kong kabataan kung saan ang ka-weirdo-han ko ay buhay na buhay pa. sinubukan kong alalahanin ang mga nakasulat sa profile ko dati, kaso nga lang di ko forte ang pag-alala ng kahit ano, so ang tanging tagapag-paalala ng aking nakaraan sa friendster ay ang mga profile pictures ko.

noon ay ginagamit ko pa ang 7250 ng aking ina para kumuha ng letrato at gumastos ng kinse pesos para lang ma-send sa e-mail ko at ma-upload sa friendster upang gawing profile picture. pa-goth pa ko nun at walang pimples. kahiya-hiya, oo. pero wala akong magagawa, ganun talaga ako. kaya siguro naiintindihan ko kung pano gumana ang utak ng mga pa-cool, dahil I was once there. pero di ako nagpapaka-goth dati para magmukang cool sa paningin ng ibang tao, ginagawa ko talaga ang ka-goth-an na yun para sa sarili ko talaga, dun ko nararamdaman na may kinalulugaran ako sa mundong ito, kahit ang pagiging goth ay pagiging out of place sa society.

dun pa lang eh, malalaman mo nang weirdo talaga ako. muka akong gago sa mga pose ko sa mga profile pictures ko, as ngayon iniisip ko "ano nga bang pumasok sa utak ko't ginawa ko yun?" so nung kabataan ko pa lang, sinisira ko na imahe ko. so ngayon talaga, dapat ang maging gelpren ko ay isang taong di alam ang aking history. dahil sa tingin ko naman eh nag-bago na ko. ata? ewan, weirdo pa rin siguro ako, kaso nga lang ngayon... aware ako na weirdo ako so di ko na sineseryoso sarili ko at pinagtatawanan ko na lang mga ginagawa kong ka-weirdu-han.

pero ewan ko ba, di naman ako nanghihinayang na puro ka-weirduhan pinag-gagawa ko noon. pero kahit ngayon, ka-weirduhan pa rin pinag-gagawa ko eh. sadyang ginawa ako ng diyos upang maging weirdo sa mundong ito. at tanggap ko yun. pero that doesn't mean na bawal ko baguhin.

dahil ang importante lang naman sa buhay ay maging masaya.

something in the way

"too much time is wasted on being shy"

...a former teammate said

and I dreamt of her again...

but this time it was different, it felt real...

yeah sure every dream feels real... but this felt like it could possibly happen

I wish it'll happen... although wishing alone isn't enough to make dreams into reality.. no matter how real your dream may feel

work for it, work hard...

cause in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

oo nga naman, di team sports ang basketball

may nabasa akong essay or blag entry siguro, pero sa peysbuk ko nakita na baka kinuha mula sa spot.ph... so sabihin na lang natin gawa niya.

whatever

nakakatuwang basahin ang mga gawa ni Lourd De Veyra... at mas lalong natutuwa ako kapag nagkakapareho kami ng sinusulat.

nabasa ko lang kanina, na mukang matagal na niyang ginawa, yung tungkol sa di pagka-hilig ng mga pinoy sa football. medyo nagkakatugma kami sa ilang punto, may mga punto akong mukang ako lang magiisip dahil baliw ako, at may mga punto siyang di ko man lang naisip.

na ang mga pinoy ay mahilig rin sa team sports... tulad ng basketbol.. so di lang si Pacquiao o Bata Reyes o si Vera ang minamahal ng bayan... mahal rin ng bayan ang Boston at Lakers!

kaso nga lang, sino ba pinapanood ng mga pinoy sa basketball? yung team as one functioning unit ba o si Kobe as a one man team?

pero pwede ring i-argue na di lang naman isang tao ang nagdadala ng isang team sa Finals.. tingnan mo si LeBron, hirap dalhin ang Cavs eh... so kelangan talagang may supporting cast ka.. tulad nila Gasol, Pippen, at Williams.

kaso nga lang sa sports equipment market, ang lumalabas individual sport pa rin ang basketball. Tingnan mo mga sapatos pang basketbol ng Nike at adidas, nakapangalan kila LeBron at Kobe at Durant at T-Mac at KG.. ikumpara mo naman sa football shoes, ang tanging sapatos na ipinangalan sa isang atleta ay ang R10 ni Ronaldihno.. matapos nun the shoes exist on their own.

enough about me bashing basketball, don't get me wrong, I play basketball... cause I have no other choice really. but when you're exposed to something for so long, you start to love it.

and the simplest answer why filipinos don't love football, is cause we just don't play it.

as simple as that...

wave back, you're a celebrity...

there have been considerably more people greeting me in ust ever since I joined the team...

football team that is

trouble is... I can't seem to remember names and faces easily. I know its a left brained or right brained thing, so being unable to both only means that I am utterly dumb.

and I'm not really the most outgoing of persons, so its not programmed into my head that I should immediately wave and say hi to someone who greets me. just this morning there was a guy who kinda looked like the guy I played with yesterday, but I'm not sure if he really is that guy... so he waved and gave me a nod, so I processed the information, then thought of what to do next... then I gave a friendly nod and the salute-ish thing I always do... so yeah... it took me.. more than a second to do something which every normal being should immediately be able to do.

and this afternoon, after going out of the building, a lady sitting on the AB Pav shouted my name... then I gave the lady a quizzical look but given that she was actually saying hi at me but I presumed she was from the women's team.. so I returned with a naive-ish hello.. yes from one side of the road to another.

and lastly, after spending time with my black posse... on the same spot where the lady greeted me, but this time it was waaaaaay more crowded with the kids ending their classes, I kept on hearing a lady scream my name... I'm not generally well known so I pretty much ignored it, and given that there really isn't any point in anyone calling me in the middle of an extremely crowded area.. I assumed it was the same lady who said hi... but.. why?

oh well... maybe I need to get rid of this introvertedness and shit

cause I too am a social being

dahil ang importante lang naman satin ay ang maka-iskor at di ang bansa

kaya siguro di mabenta ang football sa mga pinoy eh kasi... nasanay tayo sa basketball.. na high scoring

at sobrang nasanay na tayo iskor lang ang tinitingan... eh di na natin naiintindihan ang sport mismo... it becomes a game of numbers rather than a game of players on the field... or court...

kaya narealize ko rin, nakakabadtrip yung mga taong iskor lang habol nung NBA Finals.. kabadtrip pag may magtetext ng update ng score tapos tatanongin ko "sino naka-iskor? ano FG percentage niya? pano siya naka-iskor?" pero syempre dahil iskor lang ang tinetext.. imahinasyon ko na lang ang gumagana... AND IT IS NOT THE FREAKING SPORT!

kaya I see no hope for Filipinos to develop a passion for football the same way other countries have... dahil ang importante sa atin ay iskor... at sa football.. the score doesn't say much... kung numero lang naman importante sa atin... mag-stock market na lang tayo!

yes I am pissed off.. pero siguro kasi bitter ako dahil mas gusto ng pinoy ang basketball keysa football... and basketball is a sport of tall people... which filipinos aren't... the dutch in general are suited for basketball because they're median height is considerably tall... and their passion sport is football... yeah sure its not bad to wish to be tall... but it just adds to the things that we try to become but obviously aren't... which prevents us in loving ourselves... and in turn loving our country...

oo, because of basketball we can't love our country... because we want to be something else... we see what we're lacking... and not what we have

so really... its not an issue of which sport should filipinos love... but why filipinos can't love their country because they love something which they obviously aren't

its sad... and I rarely see hope for anything

...now looking at the current state of our country, can you?

Mr. rightside

as much as possible I don't say sorry... and mean it

cause early on I learned that a child can never be right. what parents say is law and if you think otherwise, no matter how right you think you may be, you are wrong.

from then on I learned that we're all wrong in one way or another... and that we can always be right, all you need to do is to exploit what's wrong about the person and hope that you break the person down before he reveals your flaws.

yes... I believe I am always right.. rarely do I admit that I am wrong.. cause as long as you can persuade other people into thinking you are right... you will be right.

should I be a lawyer? I dunno... do lawyers have to be lawful people?

but yeah, I am being raised into a lawyer... so my benefactors should face the consequences of having someone who can right a wrong. otherwise, raise a doctor... or an accountant.

pers day sa sican yir

cliche blog entry nanaman po

pero yeah... this is the weirdest pers day ever... ewna ko ba kung baket

siguro dahil kasi sa bagong bintana, hello lush greeneries and polluted skies of manila. pero ang weird talaga, di ko gets kung baket... parang.. may iba... AY OO! irreg na kasi yung bespren kong negro. and it saddens me na most of his subjects kukunin niya sa kabilang section. pero ayos lang, marami pa rin namang negro sa eco1. tulad ni Uche... na mukang i-e-enjoy ko ang company niya.

dahil world cup nanaman...

mas mapaguusapan pa rin ang NBA Finals

kasi naman, ang madalas na reklamo ng mga pilipino sa football ay antagal maka-iskor. ang paboritong linya na narinig ko mula sa isang kaibigan ko "kabadtrip yan eh 'no? pag 80 minutes ka nang naglalaro tapos 0:0 pa rin ang iskor"

at napaisip ako, baket iskor lang ang pinapansin ng mga tao sa isang sport?

siguro kasi tayo'y isang basketball loving nation at nasanay tayo sa high scoring games kaya nakakapanibago ang isang laro kung saan sobrang madalas umiskor ang isang team.

pero naisip ko naman...

siguro ang mga taong di maka-appreciate sa football ay mga taong walang hilig sa sports

kasi sa basketball, madaling malaman kung anong team ang nagpeperform ng mabuti at kadalas yun yung team na may lead. so sa isang tinginan pa lang alam na ng isang viewer ang performance ng dalawang teams. pero sa football, mas dapat pansinin kung ano ang nangyayari sa pitch keysa kung ano ang nangyayari sa scoreboard. so importanteng pinagtutuunan mo ng atensyon ang laro.

pero naisip ko rin...

na baka di colonial mentality ang dahilan kung baket mabenta ang basketbol sa pilipinas

kasi kung cononial mentality nga, edi dapat mabenta rin sa atin ang american football. sadyang kinalakihan ng bansa natin ang basketbol... kahit di tayo isa sa mga top basketball countries.

sports... kung saan sa individual events lang nagsa-succeed ang pilipinas

says a lot about our country eh?

summer ends

and I am quite hesitant to go back to class

...not because I wish I was studying elsewhere, although I am one of those smart ass kids who thought they had a good chance of passing UPCAT. I did however passed UPLB's standards, but my dad knew I was a latent communist and a far away commie haven isn't something he'd want me to stay in.

looking back, I think it was a good call from him. I think I'd be better off in the royal and pontifical university with my new found friends.

and by friends, I mean 20-something year old black people and 20-something year old people who left their militarized country.

cause really, I can't imagine myself being able to survive UST without them. I'd be like the knoller classmate of mine who hated my guts. She'd probably hate me more if I followed suit and transferred to UPD as well. but I think it'd be better for her to not see me anyway.

I noticed lately, that the age baracket of my friends have been on the extremes. like, I'd either have friends who are really young or friends who are much older. Here at home most of my friends are 9 to 12 years younger than me and at school my friends are 5 to 7 years older than I am. Its kinda absurd, but I seem to have a hard time getting along with people of my age. Maybe because age is just a number, and how we conduct ourselves isn't necessarily in tune with our age. So the reason why I have friends younger than me is that I am maybe young at heart and I still have this youthful naivete which drives me to become curious about the world and it's quirks. And I have older friends is cause they stand as entities which help me discover more cause they've experienced life more and they can share their wisdom with me.

and yeah... curiosity killed the cat, killing something which has nine lives... that's a huge feat. so in theory, curiosity can easily kill a human being... look at the Curies.

but oh well.. I'd rather die because of my curiosity, hello Steve Irwin, than to remain unmoved like a stone.

cause a ship in a harbor is safe but that is not what ships were built for.

sun, sun, sun here he comes

ang swallow ay isang bird... and I'd like to have a swallow bird someday... and I will name it Swallow... and I will teach it tricks to make it come to me.. I'll order it to come by saying "Swallow, come!"

anyway..

I just can't get over the whole Seaman thing in South Park

you are not my friend if you don't see the humor in "Swallow, come!"... seriously... I found myself rolling on the floor lauging out loud when I heard that...

but on a much more serious note... but really, anything can be more serious than the "Swallow, come" gag

sooooooo yeah... the dark clouds are upon us... again, I will find it very depressing... as with every rainy season... but I do hope that the weather remains consistent.

why?

cause if the weather remains consistent, meaning depressingly cloudy with a few drizzling here and there, then we might not face another Ondoy. cause like, I'd rather have it rainy all year long than have it rain so hard in one weekend.

or wait.. maybe I'd rather have another Ondoy.

being the cold hearted bastard that I am, I think it would be more beneficial on my part to have another super typhoon. cause for one, our place isn't susceptible to flooding and when Ondoy drowned Marikina and Pasig, the water levels here were only up until our ankles. another justification would be less class for me, cause to be honest I think high school education seemed to be more worth studying than college.. or maybe I haven't had enough major subjects yet to be interested in college. and lastly, I want another Ondoy to happen because the insurance company where my tita works will be full of salvaged goods. That's like instant 75% off on clothing and shoes and hygeiene stuff.. which I definitely need but definitely don't use much.

yes, I am a caveman

but yeah, I am not a fan of the gloomy weather. I used to like it grey all around, but I kind of pussied out and started to love the vivid colors I see with the sun around.

yes, I am also a hippie

so I am a caveman hippie who wants a Swallow bird to come

...not much of a blog entry, innit?

the love you take...

...is equal to the love you make

and obviously I haven't been making any.. at all

but I'm working on it... don't worry

I've been living a very positive lifestyle. No hatred, all love. Maybe that's why I've been feeling better, cause I love more than I hate. Cause when you obsess about the things you hate about life, it seems like poison. Especially when you don't do anything about it, like you just sit in one corner and you wrap your mind around a certain issue which pisses you off, and in the end nothing productive ever comes out of it. Unless more hatred is your ideal product.

Really now, one could have an infinite amount of reasons to hate life. Cause everything is bound to be flawed, cause the life we live in is flawed, therefore nothing can ever be perfect. But when you look at the reasons why you hate life, and try to turn it into something else, like something to change in order to make life better or something which you can learn how to love and in doing so adds more reason why you should love life. Cause the list of things why should you love life is pretty short in comparison to the reasons why you should hate life, but if you try to turn at least one reason to hate life into something why you should love life and a million other people follow you, then who knows... the world could possibly be an even better place to live in.

no, I do not read self help books... it sounds stupid. cause how do you help yourself when clearly you're reading someone else's words

all of these musings appeared out of thin air when I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who usually talks about negative stuff about other people... and thanks to him I wasted your time again.

but seriously, love more than you hate... I promise you the sky will be bluer, the grass will be greener, and the sun will still blind you if you stare at it directly

first of summer with the football squad

Cara was right... I should play football. *starts thinking how cara and I came to know each other... oh yeah, we met a DeviantArt.. wait.. was that her? or was it the watercoloring lady?*

so yeah... I should play football.. and that was what I've doing for the past month..

for some strange reason, I've been enjoying life a bit because of it...  maybe its because of elevated testosterone in my bloodstream after playing or just the general human contact which I don't usually get during the summer.. cause well, me and the computer and facebook is all the human contact I basically get

so yeah... football is a contact sport played with people... so yeah... I get human contact that way... it may not be the gentlest of ways.. but hey, beggars can't be choosers.. and compared to getting a girlfriend and playing football.. I get more human contact waaaaaay cheaper with football than if I had a girlfriend.. c'mon its a no brainer.. 21 guys on the field versus 1 lady.. *please do get my humor*

beda football seems to be an entirely different experience from AB football... my most major gripe really is the drama that transpires among the members.. like, they'd be saying bad things about other members and stuff.. I felt like I was in pinoy big brother or something... I wasn't expecting drama at all but if this is how the team works, then let it be.. this could've been easily fixed, I suppose, with proper communication. from my frist impression, they'd rather tell other people about their problem regarding someone than telling the person they have a problem with directly. who knows? they could probably fix the problem immediately which could develop rapport between the people involved which in turn could translate into better chemistry on the field.

although chemistry might be a huge problem for the team in this year's goodwill games... because I brought along with me my nigerian friends. lack of communication, imbalance of talent, and maybe difference in skin color... are just some of the factors which might contribute to a lack of chemistry for the team.. but if the filipinos can communicate with the nigerians in the same way I did.. the only problem will be the difference in talent, that and the difference in skin color

and this is where I drop a bunch of names.. which can be easily found by using google..

I've made a bunch of good friends from the team, lucky me, top of the list would be the guy who is always present on the pitch.. Horazio Morales, or Horace, or Hor if you're the college of science peeps type... he's on the top of my list cause for one, he sounds like one of my most favorite persons in high school, Prince Karl Cabural!! their voices sound so much identical its quite funny already.. its like seeing a guy which sounds like cabural but isn't as cute and doesn't have golden teeth...but yeah, I like Horace.. and another, cause he's always there on the pitch, except for that one time in the UP Sunken Garden.. but yeah, he's fairly consistent

next on my list is Morrys Sarmiento, I know he reads a few of my blog entries, hello to you, another guy I like.. and no, I am not saying that because he might see this.. I genuinely think the he's great.. he may have a few character flaws but he's better than a lot of the people I've met in UST.. usually he and I'd be just talking, well generally its him who does the talking cause he's more aware of the situation of the football team and I'm still on the part where I observe everything, cause jumping in immediately without prior knowledge is dangerous or maybe even social suicide... out of all the people I've met, it is him who has a lot of gripes about the team.. and from what I can see is he's the silent sufferer type, like, he doesn't confront the people he has problems with, so he waits until the other person gets a clue.. so given that I'm a self-proclaimed body language expert, it'll be easy for me to know if he has qualms against anyone

and lastly would be Borgy, or Niel, or whatever you want to call him... I call him Borgy cause its a letter more than orgy, and because he looks like Borgie Hermida, and because he's from San Beda grade school.. I think generally, I like people of benedictine upbringing.. so you might call me biased, but he seems to be a lot of fun, so far my conversations with him were very insightful.. something I always love... although the trouble with him is he gets a lot of flak from Ben Abdalla, one of the nigerians of AB, and that is just one of the reasons why chemistry will be a problem for the AB team...

wow.. this seems to be long.. I wanted to put in more but no one read this much unless you are involved with the sport and the team

malabo ang mata ko

...and its dangerous when I type

pero keri lang, di ko naman pinoo-proofread mga blag entry ko eh... pero eto talaga di ko i-re-read, dahil malabo nga mata ko

lately, I've been much more driven to live life. cause for most of my existence I've been anhedonic, thus the blog name. I dunno, the sun is sunnier than before, the sky is bluer than blue, and I hear birds chirping in my head even though there are none... yes, you figured it out, I am perpetually high.

No, I am not. I just feel better lately, its like I have a reason to wake up in the morning and feel the warmth of the sun on my sunburned skin and breathe in the freshest air the outskirts of Manila can offer. Everything is just so damn beautiful y'know, like, I am comfortable with the climate even though most of the people think otherwise. Actually, I love the heat. I wish it'd be summer forever, global warming is so lovely! oh sorry, climate change. but whatever the scientists or al gore call its just lovely.

Again, no, I am not high. Neither have I turned back to God. Life is just giving me the best sensory experience I've had since... ever. My body may be in so much pain with all the physical activities I've been doing, but the world feels like a better place to live in. I know a friend of mine thinks otherwise, so I assert that beauty is subjective, and right now, life to me is just beautiful.

so damn beautiful

cause life shouldn't be taken too seriously... nobody gets out alive anyway

what now?

ngayong nagwagi na si Noynoy?

its kinda funny that I was an Erap guy back then just because I thought he had no chance of even getting 3rd spot. but apparently, its the man whom I thought would claim first place...

...napaisip ako, ano kaya ang ibig sabihin ng resulta ng halalan? oo, panalo si Noynoy.. yun naman ang obvious. pero baket di nanalo si Gibo? ang pambato ng intellectual community. baket natalo si Villar? kahit sobrang dami na niyang ginastos sa pangangampanya at ginamit na sila Willie, Manny at Dolphy. at baket umabot pa ng panglawang pwesto si Erap? matapos nang siya'y paalisin ng edsa dos. at baket nanguna si Bong Revilla? na... tangina.. may nagawa ba siya sa senado? pano kaya kung taga-ABS ang nagkaroon ng sex video na kumalat.. bibigyan pa ba ng pansin ni Bong Revilla yun?

sa tingin ko naman hindi kwestyunable ang pagkapanalo si Noynoy, ngunit ang pagkatalo ni Villar kay Erap ay isang malaking... kalokohan.

ibig sabihin nun, ang mga taong nagpaalis kay Erap nung edsa dos ay mas konti keysa sa mga gustong ibalik siya sa pagka-pangulo.so parang ang ipinagmamalaki nating People Power Revolution ay isang kalokohan lang kasi Erap was on the cusp of getting back the presidency. tutal, ang mga nakilahok lang naman sa mga People Power Revolutions ay ang mga nasa Metro Manila at sa mga karatig na lugar. ang lugar na yun ay maliit kumpara sa mga malalayong probinsya na di nakilahok at baka may ibang opinyon.

napanood ko si Noynoy sa CNN kagabi, at di siya mukang presidente. yung tipong wala siyang dating at parang ako lang mag-ingles na nag-su-stutter. pero ayos na ko na siya ang maging presidente, lalo na't di nanalo si Roxas... sobrang magiging puppet si Noynoy ni Mar eh. pero ayaw ko lang ang political dynasty ni Binay sa Makati. kasi gusto ko si Bayani manalo... dahil ang presidente ko may B... for balls! lalakeng kausap! titino ang gobyerno!

whatever, di ko na mabasa tinatype ko dahil malabo na mata ko

I love balls

...dahil mas madalas ako makapanood ng football games dun. kaso nga lang ang English Premiership nasa Star Sports, pero ano naman say nun sa UAAP Football!

Nakakatuwa eh, pinapalabas pala sa Balls ang football games ng UAAP. Finals between FEU and UST, at talo ang sintang paaralan. Sana meron rin ang NCAA, para mapanood ko rin ang beloved alma mater.

Pansin ko lang pag nanonood ako ng sporting event, mas nag-eenjoy ako pag may connection talaga ako sa team. Yung tipong kumakabog ang dibdib ko pag crucial stages na ng game, or napapasigaw ako ng sobrang lakas pag may error or pag naka-iskor.

Ang maganda pa sa Balls, eh ipapalabas nila ang World Cup! 30 days na lang at FIFA World Cup na wooooho! HUP HOLLAND HUP! alas siyete ng gabi ng June 14 ang first game ng Netherlands! HUP HOLLAND HUP!

paki nga ba nila sa opinyon ko...

for one, my arguments seem offbeat or downright ridiculous...

...but apparently I keep on spewing them like a trained dragon

so yeah...

eleksyon na talaga at habang ginagagawa ko 'to, I am half listening to Diyes sa Mayo 10 thing of ABS-CBN. Karamihan ng angkan ko ay maka-Gibo, karamihan ng mga kaibigan ko ay maka-Gibo, at ako... in all honesty, walang paki kung sino manalo.

but clearly, si Villar ang lagi kong bina-bash... pero ayos naman ako kahit manalo siya eh. gawin niyang isang malaking real estate shit ang bansa, keber lang, dagdag GNP na yun, pag-asenso pa rin naman yun.

sa mga past blog entries ko, sinabi ko iboboto ko si Noynoy. pero really, di ako bilib sa pangako niyang pagiging di corrupt. Di ko namang sinasabing magiging corrupt siya tulad ng 99% ng mga pulitiko, pero kahit maging malinis siya does it follow na magiging malinis rin ang local government unit?

karamihan ng mga intelektwal ay boboto kay Gibo. Magaling siya magsalita sa mga napapanood ko sa telebisyon, kaya iniimagine ko kung ano itsura niya nung nanliligaw pa siya. Ang ganda ng asawa nun, and I can see na epektibo nga ang speaking skills niya, swabe. Kidding aside, naniniwala akong maganda ang magagawa ni Gibo sa bayan. Think GMA again, with less probability of scandals. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing... seriously

Speaking of scandals, lately ko lang naisip... diba si Joey De Venecia ang nagbuwag ng ZTE-NBN shit? wow, that's good right? pero diba parang ang scenario is initially makikinabang dapat siya dun pero nung nag-iba ng ihip ng hangin... ayun! pinigilan niya ang shit na yun. haha... paki sabi na lang kung mali ang facts ko.. para may facepalm moments naman tayo.

okay.. naputol ang train of thought ko dahil inexplain sa TV ang posibleng pag-balik ni GMA dahil baka maging prime minister siya or something...

tska pinakita rin pala na importante kay Loren Legarda ang environment... it shows na naninindigan siya dun.. biodegradable ang tarpaulins at stickers na campagin materials niya diba?

anyway...

wala naman akong problema kung sino man ang maluklok basta't gawin ko lang namang maginhawa ang buhay ko. tingnan niyo yung mga affluent individuals, wala gaanong qualms sa gobyerno. gusto ko maging ganun... isang indibidwal na immune sa kalokohahn ng gobyerno! kasi ang mga nagbebenefit naman sa proyekto ng gobyerno ay yung mga middle class peeps eh.. tingnan mo yung SCTEX! dumaan lang ako dun kanina, at proyekto siya ni Pang gulong Gloria Arroyo!

inaantok na ko... ayaw ko na mag-type

and always remember... to not take life seriously.. cause I don't

maybe a businessman should run the country...

...cause it seems to me that the private sector does a better job of economizing than the government

and its not like real estate would kill anyone

and I do love the color orange... my room is orange, yeah

or maybe I'm just high on nutmeg and should not be taken seriously...

but seriously, I do hope that the automated election goes haywire so the votes for Villar won't be counted. and hey, its either Gloria stays in power or Gibo does some legal magic and becomes president... both have galing at talino, right? according to their marketing division

or Noynoy starts one huge rally like his mother and a bunch of defectors from the military did...

and the JIL peeps would join them, so we'd have one huge yellow army with a dash of greenies on the side...

or maybe I am high on nutmeg and should not be taken seriously...

why I believe Villar might lose...

...when everyone else is proclaiming death be upon us

I've always argued to my peers and family that Villar will do the same mistake Pichay did last senatorial elections. Pichay spent the most in advertising, and yet he still wasn't able to make the cut for the 12. The argument may be flawed but hey, at least its something to hold on.

and c'mon, the news media has been using the meme "problema sa pag-iisip" or something... or whatever shit which suggest that Noynoy is mentally retarded. When in fact the medical records says depression or melancholia or something. I mean, c'mon, is there anyone who has never experienced any form of depression? I've been depressed before, does that make me mentally retarded?

at least the black propaganda against Villar seems more plausible...

but on a less serious note, I think the 'tunay na mahirap' people would fail to follow directions properly and thus their votes would be nullified or something... yay for smart voters!

I can't hear myself think with the sound of rain... I hate the rain when it gets me or my stuff wet.. but I love the sound of it.

but yeah... I don't want the country be run by a businessman, I want someone to do damage control. The Arroyo Administration has done more bad than good. You can argue that the economy did well, but did that relate to an overall improvement of living among our countrymen?

so I say go ja-ja-ja-jamby madrigal! hahaha

benchwarmer est. 1992

yeah... it has always been that way.

I was never really successful in any of my athletic endeavors. Being head of the chess club back in grade school was a bust with almost everyone on the club beating me. Football in high school didn't work as well cause I was pretty introverted, and it never occurred to me that introversion in team sports never works, unless you're some kind of child prodigy which can score a goal from the corner of your own field. I was also wasn't as gifted as other people, yeah sure you can argue that I am taller than your average filipino, but other people had determination. Cause really, its either I get it done in one try either out of luck or out of natural prowess or I fail doing something then I'd give up... forever.

Unfortuantely, I only realized that sports require so much determination only now. After the years where I was still in a high-caliber football team which could've spiced up my mojo. So nowadays I settle with inter-baranggay basketball games... which hopefully would make me feel like I was able to reedem my past failures.

My rookie year is also my last year, so its either I do good now or fail at sports. It seems like its something which suits my work ethic. So I have to work hard, even for something as small as inter-baranggay games. C'mon I've been a benchwarmer ever since and unfortuantely I cannot choose which activity should I reedem myself.

Although there's still the Thomasian Goodwill Games, which I can get to by joining the AB Football Team. I can take my Nigerian friends me, who will definitely be able to provide much needed help, which in turn might spice up my mojo!

so maybe college is the time where I can redeem myself from past failures. Maybe its not too late perhaps? and I started college on the wrong foot, I had so much bad calls... maybe this time there is hope.

No, wait... scratch that. There is always hope.

di ako lasing...

kahit ano pang gawin ni cesar anthony sollano at nung syota niyang si... uhmmm... noriko.. uhmmm... *checks facebook* usui... noriko usui

parang I was just playing along habang pinipilit nila kong shumat ng shumat. but hey, free dinks which tastes good anyway and doesn't feel like alcohol at all so nothing lost I suppose. pero sa bandang dulo ko na nalasahan yung alcohol dahil nasa ilalim pala yun, at matalino yung kasama ni cesar anthony sollano dahil tumigil na siyang shumat nung bandang dulo.

yeah she was japanese... and yeah she was very pretty. at di ko lang maintindihan kung baket may mga taong panget sa picture pero maganda sa personal.

pero ngayon ko lang naisip, I seem like I'm a better person pag amat. kasi parang mas open ako, as in rapid-fire chattiness. and really, the only time I'm as chatty as that is when I am with people I'm comfortable with in a comfortable environment. at pag di ako amat, tahimik ako at napaka-analytical... kumbaga napaparalisa na ko ng pag-analyze ko eh. analysis paralysis ba.

...so I suppose this is better than happy pills.. or placebos cause they don't work anyway.

can you go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall?

stonton

isang gabi naisipan kong basahin muli ang aking blag, at dun ko na-realize kung gano ka-incoherent ang mga entries ko. parang, shit man, kahit sarili kong gawa di ko maintindihan. kaya sobrang saludo ako sa mga regular na nagbabasa ng blag ko.

kasi parang pag tina-type ko yung mga entries ko, it all made sense to me. parang there was this grand idea in my head which I can't seem to convey through words. siguro kelangan kong gumamit ng ibang medium upang maipamahagi ang mga nasa isip ko. pero pwede ring di ko na lang ipamahagi dahil wala namang significance talaga ang sinasabi ko. tska shit di rin ako marunong gumamit ng punctuation marks! ngayon pa nga lang sobrang hirap na hirap na ko dahil di pa ko gumagamit ng isang ellipsis. siguro eto yung nararamdaman ng mga chain smokers pag di makapag-yosi ng matagal. pwede na 'to, ellipsis addiction, at least di na ko gagastos ng kung anu-ano pa. pero di nga lang ako nakaka-experience ng high

pero ayun, wala pa rin akong planong baguhin ang aking pagsusulat. dahil blag 'to at di ako nakakatanggap ng grade, kaya di ko kelangang karirin ang pag-sulat dito. tska kahit pag kinarir ko wala rin namang magbabasa eh. kung umabot man ng double digits ang regular readers ko, baka ma-pressure ako nun para mag-ayos, or pag pinopondohan nila ko.

tutal marami namang mas magaling na bloggers sa internet, at ang pag-blag ngayon ay ang pag-repost ng post iba... kaya para saan pa ba ang ginagawa ko?

ELLIPSIS!! dot dot dot...

power fluctuations

really.. its pretty irritating... not because the lights flicker every once in a while... but my computer dies... and shit... abruptly..

and its things like those which ruin the hard drive... cause I have a lot of important files which I wouldn't want gone... but I'm too lazy to get a backup drive... and besides a backup drive costs money...

I do not know why we're having this power fluctuations... I suppose it has something to do with Meralco and how they can't seem to get enough power for our country cause the dams are drying up and yeah... well has it occurred to them that the answer lies already in the problem? you have dams right? dams produce electricity by turbines powered by water flow right? and apparently there is a lack of water right? cause its drying up right? and its the heat which comes from the sun which dries it up right? and like.. there are photovoltaic modules.. more commonly known as solar panels which converts the rays of the sun into energy right? and the problem we have here is a lack of energy right? right? right? right?

or I dunno... my facts might be all wrong and shit.. cause yeah its not Meralco which provides the electricity to the whole country.. I've seen the commercials... yes installing or even shipping solar panels from europe or something costs a lot of money... which Meralco is already making us spend cause of whatever shit I was half-listening to on the news or whatever...

actually.. nevermind its just random rambling and stuff.. cause really I've lost hope for this country and the people in it...

cause like.. getting in touch with Manila.. the once historic city.. and seeing it today.. its like.. this isn't going nowhere.. no wait.. its actually going somewhere... downhill..

I'm pretty sure I'm part of the problem as well cause I am livin' it up like the quintessential Filipino... Juan Tamad.. I've accepted that I am doomed to this kind of life unless I get out of the country.. cause the opportunities in this country is pretty non-existent...

we've been raped by country after country ever since the dawn of time.. the philippines like some used up whore who can barely walk cause her pussy has been banged by thick foreign cocks.. we've been experiencing injustice after injustice and yet we're not doing something about it... yeah sure let's stage a demonstration and attain change.. yeah sure...

what we really need is progress... and you don't attain progress by doing People Power all over again... cause if that were the case then America should've been ridden with rally after rally per state...

yeah sure you can argue that change is a proponent for progress cause the current system ain't doing it for us... but should the blame always go to the system? don't you think that the problem really is at our end?

and we keep on going down the same path...

*after some meralco dudes went here to fix our power fluctuation problem*

so yeah... I read somewhere that if we're experiencing power fluctuations it has something to do with the wiring at our home... so yeah... that's fixed... what a coincidence... maybe the universe works in order to get things done.. like the Paulo Coelho line on The Alchemist.. yeah I read books.. occasionally..

but that doesn't make my previous statements false... right?

while my sitar gently resonates inside my head

most of the time the sound of a sitar droning keeps on playing in my head... ever since I got into the whole Beatles thing and George Harrison's integration of Indian overtones and shit.. sitars just go playing in my head... its either that or Only A Northern Song.. its like.. I'm perpetually suffering from LSS... thanks to George Harrison..

oh well.. at least its not like some K-Pop song playing over and over and over again... that'd be pretty fucked up

cause no one uses multiply anymore

so I am free to do whatever I want.. and nobody would care..

oh wait.. scratch that... a group of girls misread one of my blog entries a while back and they seemed to have been pissed.. so people still care about things in multiply... especially with anything which concerns their public image...

then it got me thinking... *now this is the part where you close this tab... cause nobody cares what I think.. except if its about other people* yeah... okay.. so yeah... no point in explaining anything cause everyone's off to Facebook or something...

I remember this line which goes something like "simple minds talk about other people.. normal kids talk about events.. and geniuses talk about.. something of a higher thing or whatever" so does that mean that the majority of the populace is simple minded?

well I guess so... cause when you look at how many consumers are in this world in comparison to the producers.. its pretty imbalanced... y'know.. like... there these few people who think of ways to help man kind... and a bunch of greedy fuckwads put prices tags on it... and then the masses go out and purchase those things.. that's how capitalism works.. yeah.. its evil but it works... that is why we have iPods and Blackberrys and shit..

cause its like... we get all these tech stuff not because it makes life easier anymore... well.. it used to... but... nowadays its just like the masses are driven to buy shit like those because their itching to get their hands on it..

and apparently I fail to see the point of getting into trends.. well.. err.. maybe I used to join the bandwagon... cause I remember when I was little.. everyone had this little cards we call 'tex' or something... I used to buy a ton of those stuff.. especially the one with the dragon ball thing.. then it went to those little motorized cars called Tamiya.. I had one of the most expensive Tamiyas back then... I remember having to dive onto the rough pavement cause it almost gone in to the sewers.. and looking back.. maybe it was a lesson on how even when I was a child I knew how valuable things are... but unfortunately I had a skewed perspective on value cause it was proportional to the object's price... and nowadays I don't think the value of something shouldn't be equated with its price... cause like the cheapest of meals can satisfy me more than overpriced meals along the bay area.. and like... people don't have price tags attached to them... and yet I get to pass by a lot of people everyday and most of them don't seem to matter to me... but I'm not saying that strangers have no value.. cause I like this lady.. I get to see her frequently at school.. and I dunno.. she makes me feel like no other stranger has made me felt before...

so yeah... after Tamiyas it went to Beyblades those overly decorated tops... tops.. like trumpo.. not clothing top... but yeah.. you get the idea... and again.. being financially capable I got one of the expensive ones.. the shit with like the magnets and it made me believe that it really work.. but now.. maybe it was just put there to drive the price up... cause cheap steel Beyblade knockoffs from Divisoria were able to beat the shit out of my Beyblade which costs ten times more... in a way... it kinda served as a metaphor.. for like.. the rich and poor kids.. and how the rich kids are worth more than poor kids (yeah.. ask your local kidnapper) but they're more fragile.. and a poor kid can whoop a rich kid's ass anytime..

then it went to Pokemon cards... I never got into Magic The Gathering cards.. cause I was little back then and the cutesy imagery Pokemon presented was more enthralling than Magic's.. and yeah.. being the privileged kid I was... I got the most expensive card I was able to get.. it was Charizard.. it was pretty expensive.. think $20.. now add the inflation rate.. and there you have it... and right now.. I kinda feel bad for my dad.. cause I fooled him into buying that.. and then I lost it a few hours later... cause it was a piece of cardboard and it can easily slip away or something... its amazing how such things can cost so much... but it was only until now that I realized how valuable it was.. cause back then I wasn't able to have much time with the card so I didn't had any attachment to it.. and I will sound like an asshole for this... but that's how I felt like with my grandparent's death... like.. the only time I cried was when I was forcing myself to.. it never occurred to me naturally to shed a tear cause I just had to... it was like I had to justify why I should cry and then tears fell...

so it occurred to me.. that maybe I was a kid with autism or asperger.. and I never had much emotional attachment to something or someone... I guess in some respect I should be glad that I am unable to mourn for the loss of whatever.. cause I don't have to go through the emotional breakdown.. but viewed from a different perspective.. I feel so out of place.. it sounds melodramatic but when others cry and I can't seem to.. I don't feel like I am able to connect with the people around.. I don't feel like I'm human..

so after that I just stopped buying things which are in season... although I bought a pair of hi-cut chuck taylors and vans slip ons before they were the fad...

and in retrospect.. I was driven to buy those toys.. because it was something everyone had and it allowed me to connect and interact with the society I was aware of.. and being humans we are driven to find a place where we belong... and right now I'm not in a position to join the bandwagon and just do or get whatever is the fad just to belong... I won't join the crowd if I am not fit for it... so I'd rather look for a group of people where I can be myself without having to force myself to buy or do things just so I can belong...

but yeah.. the philippines is just one small dot in a bigger dot called the earth which is part of one huge void called the universe

what was I talking about originally?

jumble bee

I hate repeating myself... really

but all I seem to do in life is to do the same things over and over again... say the same things again and again...

cause when I look at things from afar... I see how repetitive life is... and how it doesn't seem to make sense... thus leading to my cynical disposition.. I've already derailed myself from the path to greatness... I do not think at this juncture I can still live up to my supposed potential... I blew every opportunity... at this state I am just lucky being able to study in a top university in the country and not doing summer classes..

and I've had it with regrets... I'm done with regrets... yeah sure there are a lot of things to be regretful about... but there comes a point where you don't see the point anymore...

don't get me wrong... I am not snuffing it... I am just view myself at a pseudo-enlightened state where in I understand how things work now... and how life doesn't make sense... we just try to see the sense in it.. like... we try to come up with patterns out of the most random things... but really... its just us reading too much in to it...

but who am I to proclaim bible truth... I'm just an undergrad.. middle class kid.. not affiliated with anyone in public office... no power over the people...

then argument becomes... maybe its me reading too much in to it?