oo nga naman, di team sports ang basketball

may nabasa akong essay or blag entry siguro, pero sa peysbuk ko nakita na baka kinuha mula sa spot.ph... so sabihin na lang natin gawa niya.

whatever

nakakatuwang basahin ang mga gawa ni Lourd De Veyra... at mas lalong natutuwa ako kapag nagkakapareho kami ng sinusulat.

nabasa ko lang kanina, na mukang matagal na niyang ginawa, yung tungkol sa di pagka-hilig ng mga pinoy sa football. medyo nagkakatugma kami sa ilang punto, may mga punto akong mukang ako lang magiisip dahil baliw ako, at may mga punto siyang di ko man lang naisip.

na ang mga pinoy ay mahilig rin sa team sports... tulad ng basketbol.. so di lang si Pacquiao o Bata Reyes o si Vera ang minamahal ng bayan... mahal rin ng bayan ang Boston at Lakers!

kaso nga lang, sino ba pinapanood ng mga pinoy sa basketball? yung team as one functioning unit ba o si Kobe as a one man team?

pero pwede ring i-argue na di lang naman isang tao ang nagdadala ng isang team sa Finals.. tingnan mo si LeBron, hirap dalhin ang Cavs eh... so kelangan talagang may supporting cast ka.. tulad nila Gasol, Pippen, at Williams.

kaso nga lang sa sports equipment market, ang lumalabas individual sport pa rin ang basketball. Tingnan mo mga sapatos pang basketbol ng Nike at adidas, nakapangalan kila LeBron at Kobe at Durant at T-Mac at KG.. ikumpara mo naman sa football shoes, ang tanging sapatos na ipinangalan sa isang atleta ay ang R10 ni Ronaldihno.. matapos nun the shoes exist on their own.

enough about me bashing basketball, don't get me wrong, I play basketball... cause I have no other choice really. but when you're exposed to something for so long, you start to love it.

and the simplest answer why filipinos don't love football, is cause we just don't play it.

as simple as that...

wave back, you're a celebrity...

there have been considerably more people greeting me in ust ever since I joined the team...

football team that is

trouble is... I can't seem to remember names and faces easily. I know its a left brained or right brained thing, so being unable to both only means that I am utterly dumb.

and I'm not really the most outgoing of persons, so its not programmed into my head that I should immediately wave and say hi to someone who greets me. just this morning there was a guy who kinda looked like the guy I played with yesterday, but I'm not sure if he really is that guy... so he waved and gave me a nod, so I processed the information, then thought of what to do next... then I gave a friendly nod and the salute-ish thing I always do... so yeah... it took me.. more than a second to do something which every normal being should immediately be able to do.

and this afternoon, after going out of the building, a lady sitting on the AB Pav shouted my name... then I gave the lady a quizzical look but given that she was actually saying hi at me but I presumed she was from the women's team.. so I returned with a naive-ish hello.. yes from one side of the road to another.

and lastly, after spending time with my black posse... on the same spot where the lady greeted me, but this time it was waaaaaay more crowded with the kids ending their classes, I kept on hearing a lady scream my name... I'm not generally well known so I pretty much ignored it, and given that there really isn't any point in anyone calling me in the middle of an extremely crowded area.. I assumed it was the same lady who said hi... but.. why?

oh well... maybe I need to get rid of this introvertedness and shit

cause I too am a social being

dahil ang importante lang naman satin ay ang maka-iskor at di ang bansa

kaya siguro di mabenta ang football sa mga pinoy eh kasi... nasanay tayo sa basketball.. na high scoring

at sobrang nasanay na tayo iskor lang ang tinitingan... eh di na natin naiintindihan ang sport mismo... it becomes a game of numbers rather than a game of players on the field... or court...

kaya narealize ko rin, nakakabadtrip yung mga taong iskor lang habol nung NBA Finals.. kabadtrip pag may magtetext ng update ng score tapos tatanongin ko "sino naka-iskor? ano FG percentage niya? pano siya naka-iskor?" pero syempre dahil iskor lang ang tinetext.. imahinasyon ko na lang ang gumagana... AND IT IS NOT THE FREAKING SPORT!

kaya I see no hope for Filipinos to develop a passion for football the same way other countries have... dahil ang importante sa atin ay iskor... at sa football.. the score doesn't say much... kung numero lang naman importante sa atin... mag-stock market na lang tayo!

yes I am pissed off.. pero siguro kasi bitter ako dahil mas gusto ng pinoy ang basketball keysa football... and basketball is a sport of tall people... which filipinos aren't... the dutch in general are suited for basketball because they're median height is considerably tall... and their passion sport is football... yeah sure its not bad to wish to be tall... but it just adds to the things that we try to become but obviously aren't... which prevents us in loving ourselves... and in turn loving our country...

oo, because of basketball we can't love our country... because we want to be something else... we see what we're lacking... and not what we have

so really... its not an issue of which sport should filipinos love... but why filipinos can't love their country because they love something which they obviously aren't

its sad... and I rarely see hope for anything

...now looking at the current state of our country, can you?

Mr. rightside

as much as possible I don't say sorry... and mean it

cause early on I learned that a child can never be right. what parents say is law and if you think otherwise, no matter how right you think you may be, you are wrong.

from then on I learned that we're all wrong in one way or another... and that we can always be right, all you need to do is to exploit what's wrong about the person and hope that you break the person down before he reveals your flaws.

yes... I believe I am always right.. rarely do I admit that I am wrong.. cause as long as you can persuade other people into thinking you are right... you will be right.

should I be a lawyer? I dunno... do lawyers have to be lawful people?

but yeah, I am being raised into a lawyer... so my benefactors should face the consequences of having someone who can right a wrong. otherwise, raise a doctor... or an accountant.

pers day sa sican yir

cliche blog entry nanaman po

pero yeah... this is the weirdest pers day ever... ewna ko ba kung baket

siguro dahil kasi sa bagong bintana, hello lush greeneries and polluted skies of manila. pero ang weird talaga, di ko gets kung baket... parang.. may iba... AY OO! irreg na kasi yung bespren kong negro. and it saddens me na most of his subjects kukunin niya sa kabilang section. pero ayos lang, marami pa rin namang negro sa eco1. tulad ni Uche... na mukang i-e-enjoy ko ang company niya.

dahil world cup nanaman...

mas mapaguusapan pa rin ang NBA Finals

kasi naman, ang madalas na reklamo ng mga pilipino sa football ay antagal maka-iskor. ang paboritong linya na narinig ko mula sa isang kaibigan ko "kabadtrip yan eh 'no? pag 80 minutes ka nang naglalaro tapos 0:0 pa rin ang iskor"

at napaisip ako, baket iskor lang ang pinapansin ng mga tao sa isang sport?

siguro kasi tayo'y isang basketball loving nation at nasanay tayo sa high scoring games kaya nakakapanibago ang isang laro kung saan sobrang madalas umiskor ang isang team.

pero naisip ko naman...

siguro ang mga taong di maka-appreciate sa football ay mga taong walang hilig sa sports

kasi sa basketball, madaling malaman kung anong team ang nagpeperform ng mabuti at kadalas yun yung team na may lead. so sa isang tinginan pa lang alam na ng isang viewer ang performance ng dalawang teams. pero sa football, mas dapat pansinin kung ano ang nangyayari sa pitch keysa kung ano ang nangyayari sa scoreboard. so importanteng pinagtutuunan mo ng atensyon ang laro.

pero naisip ko rin...

na baka di colonial mentality ang dahilan kung baket mabenta ang basketbol sa pilipinas

kasi kung cononial mentality nga, edi dapat mabenta rin sa atin ang american football. sadyang kinalakihan ng bansa natin ang basketbol... kahit di tayo isa sa mga top basketball countries.

sports... kung saan sa individual events lang nagsa-succeed ang pilipinas

says a lot about our country eh?

summer ends

and I am quite hesitant to go back to class

...not because I wish I was studying elsewhere, although I am one of those smart ass kids who thought they had a good chance of passing UPCAT. I did however passed UPLB's standards, but my dad knew I was a latent communist and a far away commie haven isn't something he'd want me to stay in.

looking back, I think it was a good call from him. I think I'd be better off in the royal and pontifical university with my new found friends.

and by friends, I mean 20-something year old black people and 20-something year old people who left their militarized country.

cause really, I can't imagine myself being able to survive UST without them. I'd be like the knoller classmate of mine who hated my guts. She'd probably hate me more if I followed suit and transferred to UPD as well. but I think it'd be better for her to not see me anyway.

I noticed lately, that the age baracket of my friends have been on the extremes. like, I'd either have friends who are really young or friends who are much older. Here at home most of my friends are 9 to 12 years younger than me and at school my friends are 5 to 7 years older than I am. Its kinda absurd, but I seem to have a hard time getting along with people of my age. Maybe because age is just a number, and how we conduct ourselves isn't necessarily in tune with our age. So the reason why I have friends younger than me is that I am maybe young at heart and I still have this youthful naivete which drives me to become curious about the world and it's quirks. And I have older friends is cause they stand as entities which help me discover more cause they've experienced life more and they can share their wisdom with me.

and yeah... curiosity killed the cat, killing something which has nine lives... that's a huge feat. so in theory, curiosity can easily kill a human being... look at the Curies.

but oh well.. I'd rather die because of my curiosity, hello Steve Irwin, than to remain unmoved like a stone.

cause a ship in a harbor is safe but that is not what ships were built for.

sun, sun, sun here he comes

ang swallow ay isang bird... and I'd like to have a swallow bird someday... and I will name it Swallow... and I will teach it tricks to make it come to me.. I'll order it to come by saying "Swallow, come!"

anyway..

I just can't get over the whole Seaman thing in South Park

you are not my friend if you don't see the humor in "Swallow, come!"... seriously... I found myself rolling on the floor lauging out loud when I heard that...

but on a much more serious note... but really, anything can be more serious than the "Swallow, come" gag

sooooooo yeah... the dark clouds are upon us... again, I will find it very depressing... as with every rainy season... but I do hope that the weather remains consistent.

why?

cause if the weather remains consistent, meaning depressingly cloudy with a few drizzling here and there, then we might not face another Ondoy. cause like, I'd rather have it rainy all year long than have it rain so hard in one weekend.

or wait.. maybe I'd rather have another Ondoy.

being the cold hearted bastard that I am, I think it would be more beneficial on my part to have another super typhoon. cause for one, our place isn't susceptible to flooding and when Ondoy drowned Marikina and Pasig, the water levels here were only up until our ankles. another justification would be less class for me, cause to be honest I think high school education seemed to be more worth studying than college.. or maybe I haven't had enough major subjects yet to be interested in college. and lastly, I want another Ondoy to happen because the insurance company where my tita works will be full of salvaged goods. That's like instant 75% off on clothing and shoes and hygeiene stuff.. which I definitely need but definitely don't use much.

yes, I am a caveman

but yeah, I am not a fan of the gloomy weather. I used to like it grey all around, but I kind of pussied out and started to love the vivid colors I see with the sun around.

yes, I am also a hippie

so I am a caveman hippie who wants a Swallow bird to come

...not much of a blog entry, innit?

the love you take...

...is equal to the love you make

and obviously I haven't been making any.. at all

but I'm working on it... don't worry

I've been living a very positive lifestyle. No hatred, all love. Maybe that's why I've been feeling better, cause I love more than I hate. Cause when you obsess about the things you hate about life, it seems like poison. Especially when you don't do anything about it, like you just sit in one corner and you wrap your mind around a certain issue which pisses you off, and in the end nothing productive ever comes out of it. Unless more hatred is your ideal product.

Really now, one could have an infinite amount of reasons to hate life. Cause everything is bound to be flawed, cause the life we live in is flawed, therefore nothing can ever be perfect. But when you look at the reasons why you hate life, and try to turn it into something else, like something to change in order to make life better or something which you can learn how to love and in doing so adds more reason why you should love life. Cause the list of things why should you love life is pretty short in comparison to the reasons why you should hate life, but if you try to turn at least one reason to hate life into something why you should love life and a million other people follow you, then who knows... the world could possibly be an even better place to live in.

no, I do not read self help books... it sounds stupid. cause how do you help yourself when clearly you're reading someone else's words

all of these musings appeared out of thin air when I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who usually talks about negative stuff about other people... and thanks to him I wasted your time again.

but seriously, love more than you hate... I promise you the sky will be bluer, the grass will be greener, and the sun will still blind you if you stare at it directly

first of summer with the football squad

Cara was right... I should play football. *starts thinking how cara and I came to know each other... oh yeah, we met a DeviantArt.. wait.. was that her? or was it the watercoloring lady?*

so yeah... I should play football.. and that was what I've doing for the past month..

for some strange reason, I've been enjoying life a bit because of it...  maybe its because of elevated testosterone in my bloodstream after playing or just the general human contact which I don't usually get during the summer.. cause well, me and the computer and facebook is all the human contact I basically get

so yeah... football is a contact sport played with people... so yeah... I get human contact that way... it may not be the gentlest of ways.. but hey, beggars can't be choosers.. and compared to getting a girlfriend and playing football.. I get more human contact waaaaaay cheaper with football than if I had a girlfriend.. c'mon its a no brainer.. 21 guys on the field versus 1 lady.. *please do get my humor*

beda football seems to be an entirely different experience from AB football... my most major gripe really is the drama that transpires among the members.. like, they'd be saying bad things about other members and stuff.. I felt like I was in pinoy big brother or something... I wasn't expecting drama at all but if this is how the team works, then let it be.. this could've been easily fixed, I suppose, with proper communication. from my frist impression, they'd rather tell other people about their problem regarding someone than telling the person they have a problem with directly. who knows? they could probably fix the problem immediately which could develop rapport between the people involved which in turn could translate into better chemistry on the field.

although chemistry might be a huge problem for the team in this year's goodwill games... because I brought along with me my nigerian friends. lack of communication, imbalance of talent, and maybe difference in skin color... are just some of the factors which might contribute to a lack of chemistry for the team.. but if the filipinos can communicate with the nigerians in the same way I did.. the only problem will be the difference in talent, that and the difference in skin color

and this is where I drop a bunch of names.. which can be easily found by using google..

I've made a bunch of good friends from the team, lucky me, top of the list would be the guy who is always present on the pitch.. Horazio Morales, or Horace, or Hor if you're the college of science peeps type... he's on the top of my list cause for one, he sounds like one of my most favorite persons in high school, Prince Karl Cabural!! their voices sound so much identical its quite funny already.. its like seeing a guy which sounds like cabural but isn't as cute and doesn't have golden teeth...but yeah, I like Horace.. and another, cause he's always there on the pitch, except for that one time in the UP Sunken Garden.. but yeah, he's fairly consistent

next on my list is Morrys Sarmiento, I know he reads a few of my blog entries, hello to you, another guy I like.. and no, I am not saying that because he might see this.. I genuinely think the he's great.. he may have a few character flaws but he's better than a lot of the people I've met in UST.. usually he and I'd be just talking, well generally its him who does the talking cause he's more aware of the situation of the football team and I'm still on the part where I observe everything, cause jumping in immediately without prior knowledge is dangerous or maybe even social suicide... out of all the people I've met, it is him who has a lot of gripes about the team.. and from what I can see is he's the silent sufferer type, like, he doesn't confront the people he has problems with, so he waits until the other person gets a clue.. so given that I'm a self-proclaimed body language expert, it'll be easy for me to know if he has qualms against anyone

and lastly would be Borgy, or Niel, or whatever you want to call him... I call him Borgy cause its a letter more than orgy, and because he looks like Borgie Hermida, and because he's from San Beda grade school.. I think generally, I like people of benedictine upbringing.. so you might call me biased, but he seems to be a lot of fun, so far my conversations with him were very insightful.. something I always love... although the trouble with him is he gets a lot of flak from Ben Abdalla, one of the nigerians of AB, and that is just one of the reasons why chemistry will be a problem for the AB team...

wow.. this seems to be long.. I wanted to put in more but no one read this much unless you are involved with the sport and the team

malabo ang mata ko

...and its dangerous when I type

pero keri lang, di ko naman pinoo-proofread mga blag entry ko eh... pero eto talaga di ko i-re-read, dahil malabo nga mata ko

lately, I've been much more driven to live life. cause for most of my existence I've been anhedonic, thus the blog name. I dunno, the sun is sunnier than before, the sky is bluer than blue, and I hear birds chirping in my head even though there are none... yes, you figured it out, I am perpetually high.

No, I am not. I just feel better lately, its like I have a reason to wake up in the morning and feel the warmth of the sun on my sunburned skin and breathe in the freshest air the outskirts of Manila can offer. Everything is just so damn beautiful y'know, like, I am comfortable with the climate even though most of the people think otherwise. Actually, I love the heat. I wish it'd be summer forever, global warming is so lovely! oh sorry, climate change. but whatever the scientists or al gore call its just lovely.

Again, no, I am not high. Neither have I turned back to God. Life is just giving me the best sensory experience I've had since... ever. My body may be in so much pain with all the physical activities I've been doing, but the world feels like a better place to live in. I know a friend of mine thinks otherwise, so I assert that beauty is subjective, and right now, life to me is just beautiful.

so damn beautiful

cause life shouldn't be taken too seriously... nobody gets out alive anyway

what now?

ngayong nagwagi na si Noynoy?

its kinda funny that I was an Erap guy back then just because I thought he had no chance of even getting 3rd spot. but apparently, its the man whom I thought would claim first place...

...napaisip ako, ano kaya ang ibig sabihin ng resulta ng halalan? oo, panalo si Noynoy.. yun naman ang obvious. pero baket di nanalo si Gibo? ang pambato ng intellectual community. baket natalo si Villar? kahit sobrang dami na niyang ginastos sa pangangampanya at ginamit na sila Willie, Manny at Dolphy. at baket umabot pa ng panglawang pwesto si Erap? matapos nang siya'y paalisin ng edsa dos. at baket nanguna si Bong Revilla? na... tangina.. may nagawa ba siya sa senado? pano kaya kung taga-ABS ang nagkaroon ng sex video na kumalat.. bibigyan pa ba ng pansin ni Bong Revilla yun?

sa tingin ko naman hindi kwestyunable ang pagkapanalo si Noynoy, ngunit ang pagkatalo ni Villar kay Erap ay isang malaking... kalokohan.

ibig sabihin nun, ang mga taong nagpaalis kay Erap nung edsa dos ay mas konti keysa sa mga gustong ibalik siya sa pagka-pangulo.so parang ang ipinagmamalaki nating People Power Revolution ay isang kalokohan lang kasi Erap was on the cusp of getting back the presidency. tutal, ang mga nakilahok lang naman sa mga People Power Revolutions ay ang mga nasa Metro Manila at sa mga karatig na lugar. ang lugar na yun ay maliit kumpara sa mga malalayong probinsya na di nakilahok at baka may ibang opinyon.

napanood ko si Noynoy sa CNN kagabi, at di siya mukang presidente. yung tipong wala siyang dating at parang ako lang mag-ingles na nag-su-stutter. pero ayos na ko na siya ang maging presidente, lalo na't di nanalo si Roxas... sobrang magiging puppet si Noynoy ni Mar eh. pero ayaw ko lang ang political dynasty ni Binay sa Makati. kasi gusto ko si Bayani manalo... dahil ang presidente ko may B... for balls! lalakeng kausap! titino ang gobyerno!

whatever, di ko na mabasa tinatype ko dahil malabo na mata ko

I love balls

...dahil mas madalas ako makapanood ng football games dun. kaso nga lang ang English Premiership nasa Star Sports, pero ano naman say nun sa UAAP Football!

Nakakatuwa eh, pinapalabas pala sa Balls ang football games ng UAAP. Finals between FEU and UST, at talo ang sintang paaralan. Sana meron rin ang NCAA, para mapanood ko rin ang beloved alma mater.

Pansin ko lang pag nanonood ako ng sporting event, mas nag-eenjoy ako pag may connection talaga ako sa team. Yung tipong kumakabog ang dibdib ko pag crucial stages na ng game, or napapasigaw ako ng sobrang lakas pag may error or pag naka-iskor.

Ang maganda pa sa Balls, eh ipapalabas nila ang World Cup! 30 days na lang at FIFA World Cup na wooooho! HUP HOLLAND HUP! alas siyete ng gabi ng June 14 ang first game ng Netherlands! HUP HOLLAND HUP!

paki nga ba nila sa opinyon ko...

for one, my arguments seem offbeat or downright ridiculous...

...but apparently I keep on spewing them like a trained dragon

so yeah...

eleksyon na talaga at habang ginagagawa ko 'to, I am half listening to Diyes sa Mayo 10 thing of ABS-CBN. Karamihan ng angkan ko ay maka-Gibo, karamihan ng mga kaibigan ko ay maka-Gibo, at ako... in all honesty, walang paki kung sino manalo.

but clearly, si Villar ang lagi kong bina-bash... pero ayos naman ako kahit manalo siya eh. gawin niyang isang malaking real estate shit ang bansa, keber lang, dagdag GNP na yun, pag-asenso pa rin naman yun.

sa mga past blog entries ko, sinabi ko iboboto ko si Noynoy. pero really, di ako bilib sa pangako niyang pagiging di corrupt. Di ko namang sinasabing magiging corrupt siya tulad ng 99% ng mga pulitiko, pero kahit maging malinis siya does it follow na magiging malinis rin ang local government unit?

karamihan ng mga intelektwal ay boboto kay Gibo. Magaling siya magsalita sa mga napapanood ko sa telebisyon, kaya iniimagine ko kung ano itsura niya nung nanliligaw pa siya. Ang ganda ng asawa nun, and I can see na epektibo nga ang speaking skills niya, swabe. Kidding aside, naniniwala akong maganda ang magagawa ni Gibo sa bayan. Think GMA again, with less probability of scandals. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing... seriously

Speaking of scandals, lately ko lang naisip... diba si Joey De Venecia ang nagbuwag ng ZTE-NBN shit? wow, that's good right? pero diba parang ang scenario is initially makikinabang dapat siya dun pero nung nag-iba ng ihip ng hangin... ayun! pinigilan niya ang shit na yun. haha... paki sabi na lang kung mali ang facts ko.. para may facepalm moments naman tayo.

okay.. naputol ang train of thought ko dahil inexplain sa TV ang posibleng pag-balik ni GMA dahil baka maging prime minister siya or something...

tska pinakita rin pala na importante kay Loren Legarda ang environment... it shows na naninindigan siya dun.. biodegradable ang tarpaulins at stickers na campagin materials niya diba?

anyway...

wala naman akong problema kung sino man ang maluklok basta't gawin ko lang namang maginhawa ang buhay ko. tingnan niyo yung mga affluent individuals, wala gaanong qualms sa gobyerno. gusto ko maging ganun... isang indibidwal na immune sa kalokohahn ng gobyerno! kasi ang mga nagbebenefit naman sa proyekto ng gobyerno ay yung mga middle class peeps eh.. tingnan mo yung SCTEX! dumaan lang ako dun kanina, at proyekto siya ni Pang gulong Gloria Arroyo!

inaantok na ko... ayaw ko na mag-type

and always remember... to not take life seriously.. cause I don't

maybe a businessman should run the country...

...cause it seems to me that the private sector does a better job of economizing than the government

and its not like real estate would kill anyone

and I do love the color orange... my room is orange, yeah

or maybe I'm just high on nutmeg and should not be taken seriously...

but seriously, I do hope that the automated election goes haywire so the votes for Villar won't be counted. and hey, its either Gloria stays in power or Gibo does some legal magic and becomes president... both have galing at talino, right? according to their marketing division

or Noynoy starts one huge rally like his mother and a bunch of defectors from the military did...

and the JIL peeps would join them, so we'd have one huge yellow army with a dash of greenies on the side...

or maybe I am high on nutmeg and should not be taken seriously...

why I believe Villar might lose...

...when everyone else is proclaiming death be upon us

I've always argued to my peers and family that Villar will do the same mistake Pichay did last senatorial elections. Pichay spent the most in advertising, and yet he still wasn't able to make the cut for the 12. The argument may be flawed but hey, at least its something to hold on.

and c'mon, the news media has been using the meme "problema sa pag-iisip" or something... or whatever shit which suggest that Noynoy is mentally retarded. When in fact the medical records says depression or melancholia or something. I mean, c'mon, is there anyone who has never experienced any form of depression? I've been depressed before, does that make me mentally retarded?

at least the black propaganda against Villar seems more plausible...

but on a less serious note, I think the 'tunay na mahirap' people would fail to follow directions properly and thus their votes would be nullified or something... yay for smart voters!

I can't hear myself think with the sound of rain... I hate the rain when it gets me or my stuff wet.. but I love the sound of it.

but yeah... I don't want the country be run by a businessman, I want someone to do damage control. The Arroyo Administration has done more bad than good. You can argue that the economy did well, but did that relate to an overall improvement of living among our countrymen?

so I say go ja-ja-ja-jamby madrigal! hahaha

benchwarmer est. 1992

yeah... it has always been that way.

I was never really successful in any of my athletic endeavors. Being head of the chess club back in grade school was a bust with almost everyone on the club beating me. Football in high school didn't work as well cause I was pretty introverted, and it never occurred to me that introversion in team sports never works, unless you're some kind of child prodigy which can score a goal from the corner of your own field. I was also wasn't as gifted as other people, yeah sure you can argue that I am taller than your average filipino, but other people had determination. Cause really, its either I get it done in one try either out of luck or out of natural prowess or I fail doing something then I'd give up... forever.

Unfortuantely, I only realized that sports require so much determination only now. After the years where I was still in a high-caliber football team which could've spiced up my mojo. So nowadays I settle with inter-baranggay basketball games... which hopefully would make me feel like I was able to reedem my past failures.

My rookie year is also my last year, so its either I do good now or fail at sports. It seems like its something which suits my work ethic. So I have to work hard, even for something as small as inter-baranggay games. C'mon I've been a benchwarmer ever since and unfortuantely I cannot choose which activity should I reedem myself.

Although there's still the Thomasian Goodwill Games, which I can get to by joining the AB Football Team. I can take my Nigerian friends me, who will definitely be able to provide much needed help, which in turn might spice up my mojo!

so maybe college is the time where I can redeem myself from past failures. Maybe its not too late perhaps? and I started college on the wrong foot, I had so much bad calls... maybe this time there is hope.

No, wait... scratch that. There is always hope.

di ako lasing...

kahit ano pang gawin ni cesar anthony sollano at nung syota niyang si... uhmmm... noriko.. uhmmm... *checks facebook* usui... noriko usui

parang I was just playing along habang pinipilit nila kong shumat ng shumat. but hey, free dinks which tastes good anyway and doesn't feel like alcohol at all so nothing lost I suppose. pero sa bandang dulo ko na nalasahan yung alcohol dahil nasa ilalim pala yun, at matalino yung kasama ni cesar anthony sollano dahil tumigil na siyang shumat nung bandang dulo.

yeah she was japanese... and yeah she was very pretty. at di ko lang maintindihan kung baket may mga taong panget sa picture pero maganda sa personal.

pero ngayon ko lang naisip, I seem like I'm a better person pag amat. kasi parang mas open ako, as in rapid-fire chattiness. and really, the only time I'm as chatty as that is when I am with people I'm comfortable with in a comfortable environment. at pag di ako amat, tahimik ako at napaka-analytical... kumbaga napaparalisa na ko ng pag-analyze ko eh. analysis paralysis ba.

...so I suppose this is better than happy pills.. or placebos cause they don't work anyway.

can you go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall?

stonton

isang gabi naisipan kong basahin muli ang aking blag, at dun ko na-realize kung gano ka-incoherent ang mga entries ko. parang, shit man, kahit sarili kong gawa di ko maintindihan. kaya sobrang saludo ako sa mga regular na nagbabasa ng blag ko.

kasi parang pag tina-type ko yung mga entries ko, it all made sense to me. parang there was this grand idea in my head which I can't seem to convey through words. siguro kelangan kong gumamit ng ibang medium upang maipamahagi ang mga nasa isip ko. pero pwede ring di ko na lang ipamahagi dahil wala namang significance talaga ang sinasabi ko. tska shit di rin ako marunong gumamit ng punctuation marks! ngayon pa nga lang sobrang hirap na hirap na ko dahil di pa ko gumagamit ng isang ellipsis. siguro eto yung nararamdaman ng mga chain smokers pag di makapag-yosi ng matagal. pwede na 'to, ellipsis addiction, at least di na ko gagastos ng kung anu-ano pa. pero di nga lang ako nakaka-experience ng high

pero ayun, wala pa rin akong planong baguhin ang aking pagsusulat. dahil blag 'to at di ako nakakatanggap ng grade, kaya di ko kelangang karirin ang pag-sulat dito. tska kahit pag kinarir ko wala rin namang magbabasa eh. kung umabot man ng double digits ang regular readers ko, baka ma-pressure ako nun para mag-ayos, or pag pinopondohan nila ko.

tutal marami namang mas magaling na bloggers sa internet, at ang pag-blag ngayon ay ang pag-repost ng post iba... kaya para saan pa ba ang ginagawa ko?

ELLIPSIS!! dot dot dot...

power fluctuations

really.. its pretty irritating... not because the lights flicker every once in a while... but my computer dies... and shit... abruptly..

and its things like those which ruin the hard drive... cause I have a lot of important files which I wouldn't want gone... but I'm too lazy to get a backup drive... and besides a backup drive costs money...

I do not know why we're having this power fluctuations... I suppose it has something to do with Meralco and how they can't seem to get enough power for our country cause the dams are drying up and yeah... well has it occurred to them that the answer lies already in the problem? you have dams right? dams produce electricity by turbines powered by water flow right? and apparently there is a lack of water right? cause its drying up right? and its the heat which comes from the sun which dries it up right? and like.. there are photovoltaic modules.. more commonly known as solar panels which converts the rays of the sun into energy right? and the problem we have here is a lack of energy right? right? right? right?

or I dunno... my facts might be all wrong and shit.. cause yeah its not Meralco which provides the electricity to the whole country.. I've seen the commercials... yes installing or even shipping solar panels from europe or something costs a lot of money... which Meralco is already making us spend cause of whatever shit I was half-listening to on the news or whatever...

actually.. nevermind its just random rambling and stuff.. cause really I've lost hope for this country and the people in it...

cause like.. getting in touch with Manila.. the once historic city.. and seeing it today.. its like.. this isn't going nowhere.. no wait.. its actually going somewhere... downhill..

I'm pretty sure I'm part of the problem as well cause I am livin' it up like the quintessential Filipino... Juan Tamad.. I've accepted that I am doomed to this kind of life unless I get out of the country.. cause the opportunities in this country is pretty non-existent...

we've been raped by country after country ever since the dawn of time.. the philippines like some used up whore who can barely walk cause her pussy has been banged by thick foreign cocks.. we've been experiencing injustice after injustice and yet we're not doing something about it... yeah sure let's stage a demonstration and attain change.. yeah sure...

what we really need is progress... and you don't attain progress by doing People Power all over again... cause if that were the case then America should've been ridden with rally after rally per state...

yeah sure you can argue that change is a proponent for progress cause the current system ain't doing it for us... but should the blame always go to the system? don't you think that the problem really is at our end?

and we keep on going down the same path...

*after some meralco dudes went here to fix our power fluctuation problem*

so yeah... I read somewhere that if we're experiencing power fluctuations it has something to do with the wiring at our home... so yeah... that's fixed... what a coincidence... maybe the universe works in order to get things done.. like the Paulo Coelho line on The Alchemist.. yeah I read books.. occasionally..

but that doesn't make my previous statements false... right?

while my sitar gently resonates inside my head

most of the time the sound of a sitar droning keeps on playing in my head... ever since I got into the whole Beatles thing and George Harrison's integration of Indian overtones and shit.. sitars just go playing in my head... its either that or Only A Northern Song.. its like.. I'm perpetually suffering from LSS... thanks to George Harrison..

oh well.. at least its not like some K-Pop song playing over and over and over again... that'd be pretty fucked up

cause no one uses multiply anymore

so I am free to do whatever I want.. and nobody would care..

oh wait.. scratch that... a group of girls misread one of my blog entries a while back and they seemed to have been pissed.. so people still care about things in multiply... especially with anything which concerns their public image...

then it got me thinking... *now this is the part where you close this tab... cause nobody cares what I think.. except if its about other people* yeah... okay.. so yeah... no point in explaining anything cause everyone's off to Facebook or something...

I remember this line which goes something like "simple minds talk about other people.. normal kids talk about events.. and geniuses talk about.. something of a higher thing or whatever" so does that mean that the majority of the populace is simple minded?

well I guess so... cause when you look at how many consumers are in this world in comparison to the producers.. its pretty imbalanced... y'know.. like... there these few people who think of ways to help man kind... and a bunch of greedy fuckwads put prices tags on it... and then the masses go out and purchase those things.. that's how capitalism works.. yeah.. its evil but it works... that is why we have iPods and Blackberrys and shit..

cause its like... we get all these tech stuff not because it makes life easier anymore... well.. it used to... but... nowadays its just like the masses are driven to buy shit like those because their itching to get their hands on it..

and apparently I fail to see the point of getting into trends.. well.. err.. maybe I used to join the bandwagon... cause I remember when I was little.. everyone had this little cards we call 'tex' or something... I used to buy a ton of those stuff.. especially the one with the dragon ball thing.. then it went to those little motorized cars called Tamiya.. I had one of the most expensive Tamiyas back then... I remember having to dive onto the rough pavement cause it almost gone in to the sewers.. and looking back.. maybe it was a lesson on how even when I was a child I knew how valuable things are... but unfortunately I had a skewed perspective on value cause it was proportional to the object's price... and nowadays I don't think the value of something shouldn't be equated with its price... cause like the cheapest of meals can satisfy me more than overpriced meals along the bay area.. and like... people don't have price tags attached to them... and yet I get to pass by a lot of people everyday and most of them don't seem to matter to me... but I'm not saying that strangers have no value.. cause I like this lady.. I get to see her frequently at school.. and I dunno.. she makes me feel like no other stranger has made me felt before...

so yeah... after Tamiyas it went to Beyblades those overly decorated tops... tops.. like trumpo.. not clothing top... but yeah.. you get the idea... and again.. being financially capable I got one of the expensive ones.. the shit with like the magnets and it made me believe that it really work.. but now.. maybe it was just put there to drive the price up... cause cheap steel Beyblade knockoffs from Divisoria were able to beat the shit out of my Beyblade which costs ten times more... in a way... it kinda served as a metaphor.. for like.. the rich and poor kids.. and how the rich kids are worth more than poor kids (yeah.. ask your local kidnapper) but they're more fragile.. and a poor kid can whoop a rich kid's ass anytime..

then it went to Pokemon cards... I never got into Magic The Gathering cards.. cause I was little back then and the cutesy imagery Pokemon presented was more enthralling than Magic's.. and yeah.. being the privileged kid I was... I got the most expensive card I was able to get.. it was Charizard.. it was pretty expensive.. think $20.. now add the inflation rate.. and there you have it... and right now.. I kinda feel bad for my dad.. cause I fooled him into buying that.. and then I lost it a few hours later... cause it was a piece of cardboard and it can easily slip away or something... its amazing how such things can cost so much... but it was only until now that I realized how valuable it was.. cause back then I wasn't able to have much time with the card so I didn't had any attachment to it.. and I will sound like an asshole for this... but that's how I felt like with my grandparent's death... like.. the only time I cried was when I was forcing myself to.. it never occurred to me naturally to shed a tear cause I just had to... it was like I had to justify why I should cry and then tears fell...

so it occurred to me.. that maybe I was a kid with autism or asperger.. and I never had much emotional attachment to something or someone... I guess in some respect I should be glad that I am unable to mourn for the loss of whatever.. cause I don't have to go through the emotional breakdown.. but viewed from a different perspective.. I feel so out of place.. it sounds melodramatic but when others cry and I can't seem to.. I don't feel like I am able to connect with the people around.. I don't feel like I'm human..

so after that I just stopped buying things which are in season... although I bought a pair of hi-cut chuck taylors and vans slip ons before they were the fad...

and in retrospect.. I was driven to buy those toys.. because it was something everyone had and it allowed me to connect and interact with the society I was aware of.. and being humans we are driven to find a place where we belong... and right now I'm not in a position to join the bandwagon and just do or get whatever is the fad just to belong... I won't join the crowd if I am not fit for it... so I'd rather look for a group of people where I can be myself without having to force myself to buy or do things just so I can belong...

but yeah.. the philippines is just one small dot in a bigger dot called the earth which is part of one huge void called the universe

what was I talking about originally?

jumble bee

I hate repeating myself... really

but all I seem to do in life is to do the same things over and over again... say the same things again and again...

cause when I look at things from afar... I see how repetitive life is... and how it doesn't seem to make sense... thus leading to my cynical disposition.. I've already derailed myself from the path to greatness... I do not think at this juncture I can still live up to my supposed potential... I blew every opportunity... at this state I am just lucky being able to study in a top university in the country and not doing summer classes..

and I've had it with regrets... I'm done with regrets... yeah sure there are a lot of things to be regretful about... but there comes a point where you don't see the point anymore...

don't get me wrong... I am not snuffing it... I am just view myself at a pseudo-enlightened state where in I understand how things work now... and how life doesn't make sense... we just try to see the sense in it.. like... we try to come up with patterns out of the most random things... but really... its just us reading too much in to it...

but who am I to proclaim bible truth... I'm just an undergrad.. middle class kid.. not affiliated with anyone in public office... no power over the people...

then argument becomes... maybe its me reading too much in to it?

pers year part 2

at kumpleto na ang grades ko ngayong sican sem..

Subject Name	Description	Grade
ENG 2	READING & THINKING SKILLS FOR ACADEMIC STUDY	2.5
MATH 101	COLLEGE ALGEBRA	2.75
PGC	PHIL GOVERNMENT AND CONSTITUTION	2.0
PHL 2	LOGIC	2.75
LIT 102A	PHILIPPINE LITERATURES	2.5
HST 101	HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION I	2.0
ECO 202	PHILIPPINE ECONOMIC HISTORY	3.0
THY 2	CHURCH AND SACRAMENTS	3.0
PE	BASIC VOLLEYBALL	2.0

there is an across the board decrease in grades... and it is not the best thing ever..

because.. really.. I want to transfer to the UP Film Institute.. but my dad wants me to go to law school and shit... yeah sure.. I'm fine with going into law school I'd beat those motherfuckers up.. but I feel like I should be taking up Film or any other visual art course which isn't at CSB..

but with a GWA of 2.422... I'd find it difficult I suppose.. very difficult.. cause I heard that the required GWA is 2.. and my theology and PE subjects won't be credited.. so... that's good and bad.. considering that my lowest grades come from Theo 1 and Theo 2.. and because my highest grade was from PE 1.. PE 2 was so-so...

and I'd also like to really study in college.. cause with my class.. I still feel like I'm in a substandard high school.. well maybe when I am with some of my favorite classmates I do get to feel that college vibe.. but during the 4-6 hours in class.. it feels like high school... I guess its the uniform or the attitude... but it all feels like high school to me...

I can't blame them I suppose.. they're fresh from high school.. or maybe I just need to deal with people of different upbringing... cause its fucking difficult..

the people around me are generally unable to read between the lines... they tend to not understand what I am implying... its fucking difficult.. I find solace in the fact that some people do know how to read between the lines and understand my sarcasm and my humor... but really.. college seem worse than high school...

or maybe I need a change of scenery... dabble in the conservatory.. shift to applied physics.. go for philosophy.. or get out of the university altogether...

some people would be happier... I suppose..

greetking

simula siguro nung nag-peysbuk na ko ay exponential ang increase ng mga bumati saken...

sa kapanahunan ng prenster at multiply ay wala gaanong bumabati... siguro kasi di ganun ka-laki ang linalaan ng panahon ng mga tao sa prenster at multiply keysa peysbuk.. kaya di nila natatanggap ang mga birthday reminders... or sadyang simple ang proseso ng pag-bati sa peysbuk kaya mas marami akong natatanggap...

ayos naman

di katulad ng last year.. di ko bibilangin ang mga bumati saken.. sapagkat hassle na lang ito at di na nakakatuwa... tska as if naman may mga magbabasa pa nito

kaya ang nais ko lang naman ipaabot sa mga bumati at sa mga di nakakaalam na bertdey ko pala kahapon.. eh.. ano.. uhmm.. age is just a number... haha.. and birthdays are overrated

siguro kung nabuhay ako sa isang mundo kung saan di ipinagdiriwang ang mga kaarawan.. tulad ng mundo ng The Giver ni Lois Lowry.. di ako madidismaya...

or sadyang bitter lang ako dahil wala naman kasing nangyayari sa mga kaarawan ko kaya parang normal na araw na lang ito saken...

and... nothing ever seem to make sense.. or at least we try to make sense out of the random occurrences of life.. and it turns out to be some fantastic story which we create and shit

drama rama

pero di.. joke lang

naisip ko na ring maging altruistic... kaya nagpakain ako at nagimbita ako ng mga kaibigan.. siguro simula na yun... eventually sana ito'y mag-snowball

because most often than not.. I feel empty... things which should or shouldn't feel good.. don't affect me at all.. or maybe it does but I don't feel anything... I feel numb... but when I become altruistic... I don't feel as empty.. no, I do not have suicidal tendencies... I am waaaaaaaay past that stage.. I just always feel empty.. like life doesn't seem to have any purpose..

yes there are things which I am supposed to do.. like graduate, get my own place, and be financially independent... but it all seems routine.. its something that everyone else does.. and I don't want life to be some huge cliche.. which is the case for everyone I suppose...

its stupid really.. to not conform... because you already know what works.. but I dunno... I just don't want to be like everyone else.. but apparently my course choice says otherwise.. the mere fact that I am studying in college says otherwise.. if I really don't want to be just like everyone else.. I should get into the mountains and write as much as I'd want to and maybe I'll turn into this post-post-post modern philosopher or some shit...

I dunno... nothing ever makes sense... when you're looking at your feet

happy bitterday

oo bitter ako pag bertday... di kasi ako mahilig na gini-greet ako sa bertday... ewan ko ba kung baket... siguro kasi ayaw ko ng feeling na parang star ako... taong sidelines kasi ako eh.. at mahiyain.. unless naka-down na ng ilang drinks

intially plano ko sanang burahin ang bawat wall post sa peysbuk ko na i-gree-greet ako ng happy birthday... dahil bitter nga ako.. haha.. pero nung nakita ko na pati si Bea Dawn Casabar nag-greet... parang... waw.. err... I haven't talked to her in ages.. and.. yeah...

parang naisip ko.. minsan na nga lang kami magusap tas i-de-delete ko pa...

pero tae.. minsan lang ako magkaroon ng wall post sa peysbuk eh.. mga update lang sa Playstation Network trophies.. kaya parang nung kapanahunan ng presnter.. kung saan buong taon akong may testimonial na may nakasulat na happy birthday na nakadisplay sa profile ko... nakakairita lang isipin na buong taon na ipapaalala sa'yo na pag birthday ka lang inaalala ng mga tao... at sa buong taon ay walang mag-bibigay sa'yo ng testimonial.. every april 7 lang talaga.. tapos happy birthday lang rin nakasulat.. tae.. magpopost ulet ng happy birthday sa testimonial only para matanggal yung mga last year's happy birthday testimonials na naka-display sa profile mo...

the sad state of being a non-sociable person... kaya dapat di nag-so-social networking sites ang mga katulad kong tahimik na nilalang eh.. kasi lalong mapapatunayan na walang pumapansin saken.. kahit magpapansin pa ko...

at kung meron mang pumansin... isa o dalawa lang.. swerte na ko pag may tatlong taong pumansin...

the internet perpetually holds my youth

is it too late to realize that?

apparently multiply isn't the most private thing on the web.. nothing is every private on the web actually.. every bit of information stored in a network.. the next god

unfortunately I haven't been putting my best foot forward on the internets and eventually deranged people with nothing else better to do can dig up dirt on me... cause online I am this sick freak which blurts out an almost infinite amount of randomness

so I don't think I can be this big leftist hero I dream to be.. cause I've been immortalized on the web.. or at least the jackassery of my early youth.. nobody wants a jackass leftist revolutionary do we? oh wait... all of them are

so it leads me to wonder... should I be afraid of people digging up all of those dirt? I seem to be full of dirt on my own but with more dirt it will only cascade into one big piece of crap

not unless I become public property I suppose.. but being heavily involved with the internet I already am public property.. with all the information I put into friendster, multiply, myspace and facebook..

we, the users of social networking sites, are guinea pigs... the internet is fairly new.. and who knows how the information we put into these sites can be used against us?

and so I pose the question... how important is information?

without information what happens? with information in the wrong hands... what happens?

I am not afraid of my stupid antics of past be used against me... people can try to assassinate me as much as they would want to.. I am only little...

but what I am afraid of is what happens on a bigger scale... do we lose privacy thanks to the internet?

...how valuable is privacy really?

pers year in retrospect part 1

so yeah... I didn't fail any subjects this year... no summer classes to attend to... goodbye for now 1eco1

looking back... being a freshman again wasn't the best experience... but certainly isn't the worst.. this school year had its ups and downs... but being the optimistic fuck that I truly am, I see the beauty in a lot of things with bambi eyes and child-like naivete..

this year had no challenges.. really.. no matter how difficult things seemed to be... class was easy as a four to six hour class could get.. homeworks were almost non-existent.. quizzes were as simple as primary school... and the fucking exams were easier than what I took in high school... everything was a breeze... maybe except the 1st sem economics recitation under ma'am Estacio.. which was as nerve wracking as Atty. Lorenzo's socratic method of teaching.. my 2nd sem theology professor Atty. Dator didn't do justice to the teaching method used in law schools.. he was borderline irrational.. he seems to ask for opinions with questions such as "is God real?" but he was pretty much asking for St. Thomas Aquinas' Quinta Viae.. that was fucking frustrating.. and I got a grade of fucking 3 from him...

the only hurdle for me was the ever so present lethargic disposition I've always had... I can never seem to get rid of that.. and because of it there were perceived challenges which weren't really there at all to begin with...

the kids in my class were generally bearable.. with some exceptions.. but not to worry the tolerant fuck is here to tolerate everything in this world... because life ends at 20...

but yeah.. there were a bunch of cool cats in class... the first one I was able talk to was Luis Mata... the motocross dude from Davao who hated everything in manila.. although I seemed to have fucked up and he hated me eventually... oh well.. lesson learned I suppose.. but even if that kid hates my guts I wouldn't hate his.. cause he reminded me of an old friend of mine...

the next cool cat would be Zai Seng Kaew.. the Burmese guy which a bunch of girls hated cause of his stench.. I can't blame them.. even I had my apprehensions.. but after putting on some roll on he was of the most intellectual guys I've ever talked to... its maybe because he's 24 already.. but its just amazing how intellectual our lunch conversations would get.. but I heard he's planning on transferring to Hong Kong University or something... so another cool cat down the drain...

yes steady eddie, I am using jazz lingo..

among the many ladies in class... Trizzia Marie Lim is probably one of my favorites.. yeah.. she's a cool cat... she and I don't seem to hang out at all.. but there is something about her that makes me click with her effortlessly.. like.. I can be myself with her and not feel like some douchebag.. maybe its something with kids of Benedictine upbringing or whatever but she's definitely a cool cat..

and the last cool cat this year is my black friend Richmond Akalugwa.. I kinda view him as the better version of me.. although I do not have aspiration on being black.. I want to look like some pacific islander kid.. but yeah.. he and I share a lot of simillarities but at the same time have a lot of differences.. its a good mix really.. and that makes him a cool cat

..but yeah.. I started doing this blog entry at around 8 in the morning.. and its 4PM.. I've been distracted too much.. I need to do part 2

summer, please do not bore me...

you've pretty much heard it more than a thousand times that summer tends to be boring...

and desolate... really.. cause I haven't had much contact with the human race.. the only times I get to talk is when I blurt out a half-witted remark about something on TV.. which nobody reacts to...

I really need to go back to school.. walk around the 21 and a half hectares of land.. under the searing heat... and eat as much cheap meals I could.. and go to my nigerian friend's pad... and sleep on his couch... while he blasts loud hip hop beats which seems pretty effective when I need to doze off for a while...

unfortunately, along with no human contact except my family.. I also have to live below the poverty line... cause it sucks.. to not be able to go to other people's houses because you have to spend so much just to get there... and so much more just to go back home...

so I don't have anyone to talk to... no money to spend... and no sponsors for any of my oh so very fun activities...

the only thing I can do is playstation, kick a small ball around my bedroom, use my mum's laptop while she's not around cause my PCs broken, and eat... and sleep.. and read whatever stuff there is in my other room.. unfortunately its such a chore to read The Absolute Sandman cause it feels like I'm gonna tear a page off every time I turn it...

the good part about all of this is I can enjoy the scenery... blue skies, green green grass of home, and the cold wind... cold wind yeah.. its summer time!

maybe I need to get a job or something.. or something to do.. something worthwhile.. cause ever since I graduated high school life doesn't seem to be worth living anymore.. I'm not going all emo and shit here... life is getting boring and stuff... opportunities in this country is way below zero and I am lazy as fuck so that plus that is one big waste of resources...

well I can sleep I suppose.. and go into the dream world.. maybe there I'll be able to see the girl I like so much... cause apparently I dreamt of her last night and I was able to talk to her.. something I might not be able to do in real life unless I've downed some drinks already... getting all chatty and confident and shit...

speaking of the girl I like so much.. I was able to find out her name and other things about her.. I did some detective work.. cause I am an online super sleuth.. I won't be revealing any other information about her here cause I've already committed some security breach.. and I wouldn't want to reveal too much of my identity... so allow me to call her the girl I like so much...

and I am going to sleep.. hoping to see her there cause life is boring here

ang stirero kong kaklase... bow

di ako directly involved sa mga panche-chenes ng mga kaklase ko kay James Louis Vital.. ang compulsive liar...

pero nakikita ko ang development sa isyu... nababasa ko ang mga usapan ng mga kaklase ko sa peysbuk at other stuff... kaya itong blag entry na to ay tungkol lamang sa stirero kong kaklase at ang kanyang demise...

Ang Stirero Kong Kaklase
sa panunulat ni: Boyet Poblacion
based on factual events

         ako'y isang studyante ng uste... isang undergraduate, liberal arts major sa economics... at ako'y may isang kaklase.. isang kaklaseng mahilig magkwento.. isang kaklaseng may malawak na imahinasyon.. at isang kaklaseng may problema.

...siya si James Louis Vital.. at ang tawag ng mga kaklase ko sa kanya ay James ngunit mas gusto ko siya tawaging Vital... kung baket ganun? nakakatamad pang i-justify.. at kung malaman niyo man ang dahilan ay wala itong significant na maitutulong sa development ng kwentong ito... dahil ano ba naman ang paki niyo sa iniisip ko kung ang storyang ito'y tungkol sa mga ginagawa ni Vital.

May ipapakita siyang picture, siya at isang babaeng sobrang puti.. old school.. naka-print pa.. mapapansin mo kaagad na ito'y lumang letrato.. nung panahon na uso pa ang mga de-film na camera.. sasabihin ni Vital na syota niya yun.. model daw ng icool na chewing gum.. at graduating student sa FEU..

barely legal

and in a few days that won't be the case... cause the age of consent here in the Philippines is 18.. right?

but yeah.. I won't be throwing some crap ass uninspired event or whatever.. I'd stay at home.. feed people.. let them play rock band or singstar or fight night.. something of the sort... I'd like my birthday to be about me... the altruistic me which doesn't show himself except ever once a year... which seems to be it...

meh.. I kinda don't want to call it a birthday or something.. sounds childish or something... lets just call it April 7... cause it kinda sounds cool and all with the number and the ambiguous meaning and shit...

but yeah... as it has always been April 7 will remain to be an underground elitist event.. so like... I won't be reminding everyone to go... I'd do things nonchalantly so I get to separate those who care from those who join bandwagons and stuff...

and as it has always been.. I will conceptualize shit on my blog which will never come to fruition but still.. if it were true that'd be kickass wouldn't it?

since I'd be 18.. and yes I am old and can buy magazines and liquor and can now go into movie houses which requires you to have tissues.. I feel like serving liquor.. although I wouldn't want anyone to get drunk... just high or a bit chatty.. no throwing up and shit... cause if you did.. I'd make every guest to kick you hard in the nuts..

and since I don't want anyone to get drunk.. the liquor budget will be spent on something which totally drain it in one purchase... so I am torn between Jagermeister and Hennessy...

since I love food and eating food.. I want April 7 to be more about the tastebud experience and less about who's celebrating it... so I'm thinking of serving my all time favorite dishes on the day even if they're not coherent or something...

so I'd be ordering in bulk from Mang Tootz.. like sisg and banana rama and shit... and I'd be serving some Mirjam style mashed potatoes.. then serve an extremely cheesy pizza on soft tortilla with lotsa blue cheese.. man that'd be awesome..

cause really now.. I'd like the activities on April 7 to have an underlying meaning.. like some symbolic type of shit..

so here's a little game... can you tell me the significance of those things to me and why?

nagrereview sana ako...

...pero math exam ko bukas at babagsak naman ako..

tska na-distract ako sa mga kaklase kong binabash ang kaklase kong compulsive liar... itago na lang natin ang kaklase kong compulsive liar sa pangalang James Louis Vital...

at marami siyang kwentong barbero.. at naiirita ang mga kaklase niya... pero ako hinde...

ewan.. namanhid na siguro ako sa mga compulsive liars.. kaya parang saken balewala na lang yung pagsisinungaling nung kaklase kong yun.. kaya pinapabayaan ko na lang yung mga kaklase kong pagusapan siya... dahil ayaw kong maging parte ng downfall ng isang tao... I am a nice guy and girls just like that.. okay.. TV reference na di mo siguro nagets...

mas mainam na yung tao na mismo sumira sa sarili niya.. at siya lang talaga.. wala nang ibang sisira sa kanya dahil... why kick someone who is already down?

love eat

blog

...I shall try to revive you.

no, this won't be politically charged.. cause I'm too stoned to even think...

pero di ko gets kung ano kinalaman ng mga nagawa o gagawin ni Bong Revilla sa senado dun sa campaign chorva niya sa TV... parang.. hello? litrato ng mga taong natapatan ng camera kaya ngumingiti? mga Ondoy pictures lang ata pinapakita niya dun eh... pero seriously... ikaw idol ko... tapos? legislator ka? di ko gets men kung pano mo gagawin trabaho mo...

buti pa yung patalastas ni Ralph Recto eh... nandun yung gagawin niya in yellow and red... kaso nga lang may sinabi siya tungkol sa bababa ang persyo? teka.. ayon sa fuzzy memory ko sa basic economics mabuti sa bansa na tumataas ang presyo ng mga bilihin... inflation ata tawag dun... kita mo nga amerika antaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin nila eh... maganda naman ekonomiya nila... o baka may mga mas nakakaalam sa topic na yan.. hopefully sana economics major rin

waw.. andami ko na palang na-type...

plano ko lang sana chuimka tungkol sa buhay ko at sa posibleng pag-summer class ko... pero crap.. wala na ko sa mood mag-kwento...

alright! gesundheit!

I am not a fan of Noynoy...

...but I'd vote for him

I was never really a fan of expecting people in government do to much for the betterment of our lives. I have always believed in the power of the private sector, and by private sector I mean the tycoons of foreign descent... and the richest pure filipino is a politician.

anyway

I'd vote for Noynoy not because I want to see him in office... cause honestly I'd really be voting Erap just for the heck of it... I'd be voting for Noynoy because I don't want Villar to win...

Villar's victory in the coming elections will prove that once again we filipinos are easily swayed by gimmicky advertising... thus proves that we haven't learned from our mistakes..

although even if Villar wins, I don't think it'll be the end of the world.. although the frequent earthquakes seem to suggest that the Mayan prophecy might be true..Villar will definitely use his powers as head of state to benefit his businesses... "kung gusto pang yumaman pa, babalik na lang ako sa pagkanegosyante".. oh yeah? I dare you to stop all operations from all businesses you own or involved with..

the scary part of him winning the elections and him proposing more projects to benefit his businesses is that the Villar name could probably become more prominent than any other clan in the Philippines.. thus perpetuating Villar's hold on the filipinos.. its like Marcos and the Conjugal Dictatorship part 2

but what I am really afraid.. or maybe not afraid.. like.. will be saddened when Villar wins is that it proves how the power of the mass media can do a good job of brainwashing or mind controlling us... we are under the power of radio signals

an evil guy seated in the government can be ousted with the people power. but when its the media we are talking about.. its something out of science fiction...

and when science fiction turns into reality.. now that is scary...

uber helfen

tangina...

di ko ma-ayos ang sarili kong buhay... ewan ko ba kung baket... tangina talaga

siguro dahil lang ito sa kalayaang kaakibat ng pagiging college student.. pero shit.. di talaga ako pwede sa ganito... sobrang malaya ako at sobrang dami ng distractions...

o baka sadyang natatakot lang ako kaya di ako makapag-focus... ayaw ko sanang mag-summer... kung pwede lang sana.. bumagsak ako tapos di ako magsusummer... kasi shit.. grades lang yan eh... paki ba ng kumpanyang pagtatrabahuhan ko pag may 5-6 years na ko ng working experience sa transcirpt of records ko... tangina talaga

napapatagalog at napapamura ako sa blag ko.. kaya seryoso na talaga ako.. although mas muka pa atang seryoso ang tono ko pag ingles ang blag entries ko... whatever...

puta... sobrang nagsasayang ako ng oras eh... alas kwatro na dito.. at kaninang alas siyete ng umaga plano ko sana eh mag-aral ako ng math buong araw... mula grade school math hanggang college algebra.. pero sa kalagitnaan.. nawalan ako ng pag-asa at tumigil na ko...

di epektibo ang plano kong takutin ang sarili sa pamamagitan ng pagkakaroon ng bagsak na prelim grade... kaya kelangan ko ng dominatrix.. haha... shit.. kahit anong pilit kong gawin di ko talaga kaya mag-seryoso sa buhay...

tanginang laki ng problema ko sa buhay amputa...

isa akong malaking patapon... promising sana ako nung grade school eh.. andaming mga teacher na nagsasabi saken na matalino naman daw ako at kaya ko daw mag top one... putang ina... dahil dun mas lalo ako naging complacent.. putang ina.. I lost the will to prove something because people were telling me I had the potential... and it somewhat made me feel like I was able to prove something... though it may not be manifested by awards or whatever.. but in some way it existed...

kaya I don't blame anyone... hearing those things from my past teachers telling me that I had the potential made me think that they might be saying that to every other kid...

sounds like self-pity I guess... I dunno what to call it... but yeah.. I am one of the world's disappointments... but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other people like me... people who had the potential but because of the lack of discipline wasn't able to live up to what people expected from them...

I think at the end of the day... it is one's discipline that matters.. no matter how intelligent a person is they will falter without discipline...

is it too late to have discipline? and how does one develop or get it? is it something which comes from within or something an external entity should impose?

I fucking need to get out of Economics and get into Philosophy

broken spatial scene

I need serious help... seriously...

on my own I can't seem to function properly.. especially when I have to deal with math subjects and the threat of doing summer classes..

math seems easy.. y'know.. there's just a huge gap in my brain which hinders me from solving equations...

or I dunno... I did well in my Physics during my senior year...

I dunno what the fuck is my problem.. really... like... I find it easy to solve mathematical problems which I can relate to in real life.. but put a set of fucking symbols in front of me and tell me to simplify that motherfucker... then I'd be fucking clueless...

the math I have trouble with is the math which doesn't seem to have any relevance in my life... like algebra and whatever fuck there is in my math book...

I wish I can go back to senior year and do more Physics.. at least that is something which makes sense.. something practical... but I'm doomed to do math until god knows when since I am an economics major... next year it will be calculus and some investment math or statistics or whatever... but at least investment math makes sense... statistics is better than algebra.. and calculus? err.. it has something to do with algebra.. but how bad could it possibly be? it has graphs and all..

although it also occurred to me that students study algebra not because of the (lack of) practicality...  but because it develops our ability to comply to rules.. which is in a structured environment (ie workplace) is ideal... because free spirited individuals are better off being entrepreneurs than rank and file...

although I think some, if not most, of my classmates are passing math because they help each other by sharing answers to quizzes and homeworks and exams... that's commendable.. seriously... its true that it develops teamwork.. an important skill in the workplace... but it also fosters an unethical work ethic...

that's why I was too lazy to copy assignments from others during the prelims... cause I had this notion that I must keep my integrity... but I got fucked and now I am forced to go against my belief... but oh well.. life is screwed up anyway... there is no point in living anymore

raba spit

a life of balance is doomed to be a boring one...

so I guess I should get used to how things which makes me very happy will eventually lead to an extremely harrowing situation which I should juggle with daily routine...

its that or I live a life in between everything.. no pain to experience and consequently, no memorable experiences which makes life worth living...

so I say I live a life of passions and hurt and not to stay in between... otherwise I'll be wasting years of my relatively short life... I don't want to waste time anymore... cause on the streets are so many possibilities to not be alone...

and I believe I'm ready... I've had my generous share of things not working out... and if failure does make us strong.. then I am ready...

but if its the will and determination to get out of such quagmire.. then I am in doubt... I either slyly get through things without working hard for it or I fail..

I need to start to work hard... otherwise the limited extent of my cunning will depend on the opportunities and luck which comes my way

growing up in apathy

I'd say growing up.. I was very distant to people... to family, friends, and people in between... rarely do I connect...

I was... no.. I still am an apathetic person...

although I'm not a fan of defining things anymore... since to define something is to limit it and human experiences are abstract... and using words to give abstract ideas form isn't probably the best way to give a definitive answer... given that words can only do so much... because if words were the best thing to give something shape or form.. then images and sounds and whatever shouldn't exist anymore... the definition of abstract ideas with words is not absolute...

therefore I must tell you that apathy does not define every dimension of me...

but yeah... apathy.. apathetic... whatever

a person of authority in our household just screamed at someone... I was watching a philosophical film while all the screaming was going on... I paused it... then I heard it was in vernacular.. so I just turned up the volume...

on the surface it looks like tolerance more than apathy.. but I think it goes hand in hand... like... tolerance requires a stimulus against your predetermined set of beliefs... because you can't tolerate something you like.. ergo.. to tolerate means you allow something to exist without you getting rid of it.. and to function normally when something you do not like is there, you must be able to not care to an extent... in a way... apathy is within tolerance...

although I might be wrong... cause everyone thinks they're right...

but yeah...

I do not care sometimes... or I don't want to care so it programs my mind to not really care at all... but the established idea is that I do not care...

cause the world is selfish.. really... most often than not we would rather read a blog entry about ourselves than about a college student's philosophy on whatever... people sometimes read the latter cause maybe they do not have the benefit of the former...

we settle with what we can... because economics practically says that everything in the world is limited... and most of the limited wealth is concentrated within the rich classes...

so yeah... I think society nowadays does a great job of being apathetic... I am not sure if its a conscious decision to not really care.. or the mass media has oriented our brains to think that we truly care... because if people truly cares then the situation wouldn't be as this bad..

I differentiate myself from others by being aware that I do not care...

I try not to give myself the illusion of caring.. because we care for the things that we know exists... and caring is never a two way thing... y'know.. like.. a kid in North Korea could not possibly care about the earthquake in Haiti...

so what about those which we know? let's say the earthquake in Haiti, the death of Michael Jackson, or my girlfriend?

I don't think one could truly care about the first two.. but the last one... yeah sure... its what the youth nowadays is good at...

so why can't you truly care about the earthquake in Haiti or Michael Jackson? sure.. you had an emotional connection with the event... but I believe our notion of "caring" ends there... cause you don't really know what is going on... the news you receive from mass media shouldn't be taken at truth... cause one can't be all too trusting on something...

and I don't want to speak

stop and go

it doesn't make sense.. ever.. at all...

like... when you're determined to achieve something... but then for some profound reason you suddenly lost the will to continue...

then you go back to your empty life... devoid of colors... devoid of things to look forward to..

cause when you keep on waiting for the longest time to just click a button... the chase loses its novelty... I can reinvent the wheel... and start the ball rolling.. but the risk isn't something I feel like I should take at this moment...

patience is the key... and I am not a locksmith

the opportunity is there I am aware... but the precautions I am not ready for...

back to happy pills again

happeh

I dunno... I've always had this notion that I am the happiest when I am in pursuit of something...

like... happiness itself is found in the pursuit of happiness..

and I end up feeling empty after attaining what I always wanted.. however hard I worked for it.. the fruits of my labor doesn't taste as sweet as it should be..

the process fulfills me rather than the end result... it sounds absurd.. yeah?

so I'm bound to a life of endless running... on and on to whatever makes sense to me... or what doesn't seem to make sense but has something which keeps me going...

is a life of fulfilling pursuit is better than a life of fulfilling attainments?

the things we go for in life generally makes us a better person in the process.. but the things we achieve in life gives us a sense of completeness.. is a better man better than a complete man?

but I guess I have to stop running after something eventually... for reasons I am not aware of yet.. I'll eventually settle down.. in the middle of the road which extends until my determination allows it to... maybe that is when I stop growing as a person.. when ambitions are low..

although I think I've deviated from what I was saying from the beginning.. I do not think I've become a better person... I think I remained the same person who never seems to learn...now matter what time imposes unto me... I never seem to learn...

so I keep on lying to myself that I am turning in to a better person all this time

comfort noon

I have to pass.. but apparently its difficult to do it when you find it hard to focus...

I walk down the hall... then suddenly my eyes shifts to her...

I see her looking...

I look away...

I walk away...

yes.. I do like her

yes.. I am younger

but no... I am no longer a child

the world has stopped being kind

so I must try...

try not to just fly..

but to stay and fight...

and bring her in my flight..

ang pag-nasa sa romansa

...sapagka't ako'y nanganganib sa grado at biglaan na lang naglaho ang aking mga pundasyon upang ako'y magkaroon ng magandang kinabukasan at maginhawang pamumuhay...

hindi ako naniniwalang ako'y nagbago... bagkos ang aking kinalulugaran ang iba na...

nakasalpak ako sa gitna ng ingay at polusyon ng Maynila.. di katulad ng katahimikan at sariwang hanging nanggagaling sa bundok ng Taytay..

subalit ako pa rin ang Kenneth na kilala ko nung hayskul... isang weirdong bata na nakikipagkaibigan lang sa mga intelektwal na nilalang... at isang studyanteng masipag sa unang parte ng taon at biglang tatamad sa kalagitnaan upang mapilitang pagsikapan ang makapasa...

call her blind imagery

we all have other passions...

apparently institutions such as schools tend to limit what we can be and dictate what we should be..

it seemed to have worked for the capitalists wanting us, the masses, to stay under their control... because being at the helm of everything means to keep things within controlled and desirable situations..

after being indoctrinated to the idea of us, the students, studying for the sake of a job or doing our passions to earn for a living is something I don't have qualms about...

I mean

everyone shouldn't be totally free... cause otherwise nobody would want to do hard labor for the capitalists which provide us with iPods, Nikes, and rice on the table...

and the foundation has been set for a world where in everyone is under the illusion of freedom...

yes there are better systems... there will always be something better..

but apparently, the people in power of the olden days were able to devise a scheme which ultimately benefit them and their ancestors.. and when I pertain to ancestors, those who are part of elite families...

to overthrow or to abolish such system requires an element of opposition.. the people...

I guess everyone is well aware that the elites constitute only a pretty small amount of the world's population.. the masses clearly have the upper hand when you look at it on a numbers standpoint... but unfortunately, it is not the case...

the elites clearly have the upper hand... they are protected by a system which shields them from those who are poorer than they are...

Marxist belief suggested that the working men are those who will overthrow the elites...

but I do not think so... anymore...

it has been thousands of years and history has proven that rarely or never did such idea happened... cause no matter what revolutions the masses stage... we are always under the power of something bigger than they just destroyed...

if indeed the working men have done that.. then why do working men still exist?

no I am not an advocate of a hopeless society... in this blog entry

but I believe that the element which will oppose and eventually destroy the elite are themselves...

it will be an explosion of epic proportions...

for the higher you get... the harder you fall down...

and if the masses were to make the elites fall... it will definitely not be a swift process.. things like those take time.. ergo if the masses were to destroy the elites... the process would be comparable to a degenerative disease

so if the elites were to destroy themselves... then how would it come to fruition?


..beats me... I do not hold a degree in Philosophy or Humanities

sleepwell

its pretty easy.. really...

I screwed it all up...

I screw everything up anyway... so I guess

but screw ups are remedied by fulfilling wants...

yeah... sure.. I'm happy... but I have to work on my grades first... I need to survive college before I start to think of hunting her..

not is... is is

I don't understand it... really...

y'know..

like...

how life is limited to the opportunities that are available to you..

or maybe I do understand the complexity of equality... and how it truly isn't possible... its just that... I don't want to accept it...

its dumb... really...

y'know..

like...

how the concept of beauty is presented to you... and you get sucked into it... believing that it is possible and that our efforts will eventually be rewarded

we are all victims I guess... of the same routine and of the same lies...

and to think otherwise seems so... unnecessary..

I mean... we are already by default docile and dumb... and to hurt ourselves with all the thinking seems... stupid... when we are already under the control of our desires..

we are already happy... don't you agree?

yeah sure.. your life may suck now... or it may not.. who knows... nobody ever reads this anyway... but my point is that generally we are okay with our lives.. we may have certain unfulfilled wants here or there but when you look at the grand scheme of things you are doing okay.. otherwise you'd be dead or not reading this because you're recording a suicide video or something...

I guess... maybe.. when life starts to lose its meaning at an early time of one's life... the time it takes to wither gets longer... and I guess it doesn't feel as painful if you look at it in perspective...

yeah.. sure... my eccentricity never appeals to anyone... even to myself I guess...

would it even be appropriate to define myself as an obscure philosopher? but wouldn't defining myself be tantamount to limiting my being? and thus I turn into this formulaic being following clockwork routine which basically wears me until I die...

but isn't limitation the essence of life? everything is bound by something... possibilities may be deemed as limitless... but I guess it all comes down to those who come up with the possibilities... if virtually everyone in the world would think of all the possibilities... wouldn't it make possibilities limited? because the ones who create possibilities are limited.. I'm pretty sure it will be infinite... but wouldn't infinity be limited to the set it defines? and thus the value may have no bounds but being in a set means it is bound by definition...

sorry... I am trying make sense... by arguing with myself... which doesn't make sense... especially if you do it in public... which doesn't seem to be public due to the lack of people reading this.. maybe I need to talk about those ladies more.. maybe I'd get more page views... everyone likes feeling that they are important...

cause it breaks us to be ignored

state of emergency

I am in deep shit... really really deep shit...

it may be superficial.. but it is still shitty...

but even if that's the case...

everything went as planned...

this semester have been very lackluster.. there are no professors which scares me enough to keep myself on my toes... I wasn't very motivated... yeah... fear motivates me..

since there was nothing to be afraid of... I devised a scheme to make myself think that there really is a threat...

so... I deliberately didn't study nor did I listen attentively to the professors...

end result.. me failing the preliminaries.... and now... I am afraid...

for one.. all of my classmates are doing well with their grades... some are doing well with math because they work hard enough to copy from each other... but I was too lazy to even bother copying..

I got a preliminary grade of 73 for my math.. that's a singko... and there are only 4 of us in class with a singko... namely me, Dwiht, Eddxer, and Airish... and all of our names get red underlines when I type here in multiply... anyway.. our professor's system of deriving the final grade is by getting 50% of the prelim and the final grades.. therefore I get 36.5 from my prelim grade.... for me to avoid a grade of 3... I need to get a grade of 85 or a 2.25 to pull my grade to 79... thus giving me a 2.75... not as pretty as a 2.5 but beggars can't be choosers...

as far as I know among the four of us who failed... I got the highest grade.. of 73.. whereas the three of them got 72 point something....

since Eddxer and Dwiht and I are seatmates... I've been planning for the three of us to work together to pull ourselves out of this predicament... cause I sympathize with the both of them... Eddxer is from Pangasinan and Dwiht is the class weirdo...

so yeah... math is pure teamwork...

I also failed Philippine Literature and Philippine Economic History... I'm just not sure with Philippine Government and Constitution, Logic, and English... but I definitely passed World History...

not to worry really... a failing prelim grade won't damage me as much... cause its the final grade which is important... and the effort I'll put in the final months would hopefully overpower my failures...

LET'S GET IT ON!

magnetic

roam antics

I guess its just me...

but I love the idea of the universe doing its magic to make certain things come to fruition...

although I'm not a logical being... so I'd rather believe that it wasn't coincidence...

so yeah... I've been mainstreamed.. and I don't wanna use my brain anymore cause its easier to wait until other people do it... but nobody really gives a shit if I am attracted to someone or not.. so I'm forced to do all the thinking by myself...

really... I don't understand... approaching a stranger to ask for directions is fairly easy... but approaching someone to ask for her name... becomes an arduous task for kids like me...

but I haven't distinguished who's the taller one... hopefully after wearing heels I wouldn't look smaller in comparison... otherwise I'd be forced to do more yoga...

its kinda difficult to handle things with the company of others... although I'd be pussy-fied if I'd have to wait for a moment alone...

this is me thinking...

there aren't many tall men.. most of them would've probably hooked up with others... but generally.. competition is negligible...

and not really doing anything at all...

cause if you really really want something you'd have to do a lot to get it... I didn't eat for months to get toys that I've been wanting to have... this time I need to drop this timid facade even just for a few minutes to ask her name...

just the name... cause I already know the face...

it really is difficult to not find any word to associate to an image... its like losing the ability to speak... its very frightening... not even a voice to hear... its like not being able to listen to beautiful music... it is really very frightening...

no... I doubt it... I cannot... I might not... cause it is the hopelessness of life which keeps me going...

fie end

I find solace in the certainty of losing things...

anhedonia hello...

but today could be one of the best days of the year...

although I didn't expect it to be this tiring... my feet hurt like hell... but the day was totally rewarding... it wasn't fun.. because work is never fun... but work is fulfilling..

I am bound by law to not disclose what I exactly did... but lets just say it had something to do with exploring manila.. seeing the beauty behind the pollution.. and humanizing the people you see on TV...

but yeah.. everything still feels empty... I found excitement.. which I was looking for... but it felt.. weird..

like.. within the whole space of solace there is a void which shouldn't be there...

or maybe.. if you look at as its intended design... to be incomplete.. then maybe there is no other choice but to look for something else... which works for me... I could live with the void.. but as long as they're at the places I couldn't care less...

and again I see how everyone of no matter how articulate they may be or how thick their make up is... they are as human as we all are...

sun king

lalo ko lang naramadaman ang kawalan ng direksyon ng buhay ko...

walang klase... at ang nagiisang klaseng pinasukan ko ay logic... kung saan ika'y absent pag late ka...

nagkaroon ng misang di ko pinuntahan sapagkat sinabi kong buddhist ako... kaya ako'y sumama sa mga mabisyo kong kaklase at pinanood sila mag bilyar... at nang bumalik kami sa klase ay nalaman naming walang prof...

nakita ko ang aking kras kasama ang mga babae habang papuntang p noval.. ako'y nag lunch mag isa sa mang tootz.. pumunta sa org room para makinig sa mga initsik na nag iintsik.. humiram ng libro tungkol sa fashion design sa library at umuwi...

nagluto ng dalawang extra hot spicy pancit canton... nanood ng dalawang episodes ng simpsons... natulog... nagising... at gumawa ng blog entry habang nakikinig sa mga musikang kinalakihan ko tulad ng rivermaya at sugarfree..

dapat sa mga ganitong pagkakataon ay ineenjoy ko ang libreng kong panahon eh... pero hinde eh... anhedonic nanaman ako...

I don't have frustrations to vent out anyway... I am pretty okay.. everything just feels bland in comparison to other things I've experienced before... I dunno... nothing ever feels sunny anymore..

even the sun doesn't feel sunny at all

tsinelas

ampanget ng pakiramdam ng kawalan ng direksyon...

tulad ng weekend pagkatapos ng exams...

di mo alam kung ano ang aasahan sa klase... o ewan... baka sadyang sawa na ko sa monotony ng pagiging college student... nung hayskul di naman ganito eh..

siguro di ko lang talaga minamaximize ang aking libreng panahon... may apat hanggang anim na oras lang ako sa klase... at ang natitirang limang oras ay ginagamit ko lang sa mga walang kwentang bagay tulad ng pagkompyuter.. ay di... apat na oras lang pala.. dahil mahigit isang oras ang commute pauwi...

kawalan ng direksyon...

kelangan ko ng pagkakaabalahan... parang araw-araw na lang half day ang iskwelahan... at sa mga ganung pagkakataaon bumibilis ang takbo ng oras... kapag walang pangyayaring espesyal.. kaya pakiramdam ko nasayang ang 2009 ko... pero kahit papaano eh maganda ang mga pangyayari sa mga unang buwan ng 2009... ngunit ang kabuuan ay isang pelikula ni Takeshi Kitano...

I need something to make this year worthwhile... because if I go through college like this, the rest of my life will have the same monotony...

I've been mainstreamed, I need a new bottle of shampoo, and my life is well wasted... but not in a good way

drumsticks

the real world really is different from high school...

yes.. a year later and I still think about it...

I dunno.. maybe its the lack of clean air to breathe in manila or whatever... but I seem to be living in an entirely different world...

oh well.. I guess I can't expect everyone else to become tolerant as I am...

but for crying out loud... why these people?!

some of the people in class are okay... some are great... some are just there to fill empty seats... and some are just... there to give me a bad day... thats why I normally keep a good distance away from the people in class... and also when I'm at a distance.. I am in a good position to observe them...

my classmates back in high school had their own circles... you'd see a group of people drift away from class during breaks.. yes there were divisions... but I'd still feel a sense of unity among the people...

but come college... the division is just... extremely prevalent...

one good example is the clique of girls in class.. arguably the biggest one... its like a third of the girls in class belong to the group... and they're like the typical girl group you'd see in hollywood films or something...

I don't have anything against them... I'm a tolerant piece of shit.. remember? but anyway.. they're doing their best to be accepted into society.. that is how I see it.. or maybe not the society at large but just to feel accepted.. cause it seems as though that they've formed their own state out to impose their sovereignty..

I dunno.. I don't think I ever saw a clique of girls of that magnitude in high school... yeah sure you'd see groups of women.. but its not as huge as a quarter of the class..

oh well... they always said that college classmates aren't as fun as the people in high school

but I think its the fault of the guidance counselors or whoever who keeps on pushing the idea that high school will be the best years of your life... their marketing strategy makes us seem to think that after high school life wouldn't be as fun or something... c'mon! it pretty much depends on the person if s/he'd have more fun during high school or college or whatever... don't tell us that high school will be the best.. let us find things out for ourselves... cause there isn't any definite formula which would work on people's lives...

or I dunno... maybe I'm wrong... but I'm pretty sure people out there definitely thinks that I am wrong... cause everybody else thinks that they're right... and yeah... I do not hold a PhD or even a master's degree... so yeah... I am dumb... do not believe me...

I am out to control your mind

color me timber

resentment...

no.. I seem to be at a better position to even care...

its almost too good of a position to even take anything seriously... even myself... seriously..

I dunno... suicide is such as beautiful proposition... but just like communism.. it only sounds good.. and that's it...

yet at this altitude I can still breathe... the lack of pressure keeps me afloat.. in my head... but even though I am on the peak of mount apo... there is still everest to conquer... and olympus mons... and it keeps getting higher and higher.. until you forget what you were doing in the first place...

and I'm fine being with the foot of the mountain.. where everybody else are... even though you may have had a huge achievement.. its still always lonely at the top...

but no.. I've asserted that I am not on the foot nor on the peak... I am high up above the skies... a spot where only few have dared to stop... because everyone else is climbing their way up.. too busy to stop in the middle of things.. and try to enjoy the view... of being above it all...

its always whats above you.. and never whats bellow.. it is no one's fault for we are humans.. and we were designed to go up...

we do not fall by choice... it is how nature is designed to exist with us... yeah sure.. some would rather put the blame on us for having the predicament of having predicaments.. but I'd rather think that it is what makes us human... the ability to be certain of uncertainty.. otherwise if we knew what was coming then might as well not live life... because you are aware of what is going to happen.. therefore you have lived out your life.. now die....

when we do hit rock bottom it is by design that we go up... unless we get crushed in the process of falling.. or we go into a cycle of falling and getting up and falling but with greater force pulling you down... if we do not fall into those quagmires.. our bones, muscles and will will grow harder, better, faster, stronger... yes oh yes.. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger..

and in the end... we either settle with the certainty and difficulties of hardwork.. over the uncertainty and wonders of luck..

then we die