a list on why 2009 should be memorable...

...but actually isn't..

I guess I'd remember the events.. but maybe not the year.. or whatever.. does the events in a certain period of time constitute the year itself?

2009.. great for most, lackluster for me.. although there have been a lot of significant events this year.. a lot of celebrities have died this year.. Barack Obama assumed office.. PS3 price cut.. H1N1 outbreak.. and many others that other people consider as significant...

but this is my blog.. ergo, I shall write things about myself.. because other people don't write about me.. and you get your news here.. and I AM GOD

sorry.. I'm high on kitkats and cadburys.. and the fireworks are starting.. and I am listening to Yoko Ono... please understand

anyway... first on my list would be...

Thesis: does a better job of keeping me up than espressos
writing papers isn't really that difficult of a job.. I know a lot of people would rather have their anuses probed than write a thesis.. but I think the only difficult thing in writing a paper is keeping yourself from getting lethargic..

but defending the paper is... something quite difficult for me.. not because I find the questions and the idea of being in front of a panel scary... but because of my short-term memory problem.. so its either give short bursts of answers or I try to give an elaborate one but in the middle of it.. I ask "ma'am, what is the question again?".. seriously.. I'd rather have them write their questions on a piece of paper so I can give them the answers they need without me asking and asking and asking for the question...

and after the thesis comes...
Graduation Day: the day that could be made shorter by sending the diploma via Air21
but yeah.. ceremonies are important.. cause we are civilized people.. and civilized people prepare things like these because we are rational thinkers...

not a fan of mass.. not a fan of formal attires.. not a fan of seeing other people do better than me because I'm too damned lazy...

it should be memorable for me... IT SHOULD.. but it isn't..

but before graduation day.. there is the pseudo-prom called
The Graduation Ball: where I realized that some people look more dignified with their school uniforms
social events aren't really my thing.. and formal stuff as well.. and dates.. fine dining is.. but I like fine dining because I get to contaminate the fine people's air space with my 3rd world-yness..

but yeah.. I had to go cause I paid a fortune for one night.. and I had a date.. but if it were up to me.. I'd rather have Mikee date someone else.. at least in that setting..

well I'd rather not remember the night altogether.. *rolls eyes*

and as a graduation gift.. my sister from Singapore took me to..
Boracay: eastwood on white sand
on a scale of 1 to 10.. I'd give the experience a rating of 6.. the place is pretty much polluted.. it is not a white sand paradise.. walking from one end of the shoreline to the other was a drag.. but hey.. white sand, blue skies and a toy camera with 5 rolls of films.. that's more than enough to keep me happy.. for 4 hours...

don't get me wrong.. the experience was fun.. but everything was overpriced as hell..

bidder bitter

dahil new year.. magtatagalog ako... yehey! naiintindihan ko na rin ang mga ita-type ko dito!

anyway...

napansin ko na yung mga kaklase ko'y nag-enjoy sa 2009... di ko lubos mawari ang mga kadahilanan ng kanilang kasiyahan para sa taon na ito... sapagkat di ko gaanong ikinagalak ang itong taon..

baket?

well for one... nasa kolehiyo na ko... at ang buhay sa kolehiyo ay napaka... iksi...

ang aking iskeydyul ay mula alas siyete ng umaga hanggang alas onse.. at may mga pagkakataon ring hanggang ala una ng hapon.. at minsan kelangan ko maghintay ng pagka-tagal tagal para sa PE ko... kaya roughly eh mahigit 30 hours ako sa iskwelahan sa isang linggo... di katulad ng 8-10 hours ko sa iskwelahan nung hayskul...

at pareho lang rin naman siguro ang commute time.. dahil matrapik sa may Junction at Tikling nung hayskul.. eh kung may tren lang sana mula Brookside hanggang beda.. lupet na nun..

I am not making sense.. or this blog entry isn't coherent..

MAG-TAGALOG KA!!

subalit ikinagalak ko ang pagbabago ng kapaligirang aking ginagalawan... at ang aking natagpuang bagong kalayaan.. oo.. patay na bata ako nung hayskul.. di ako party peeps.. di ako lumalabas para sumama sa class parties and chorva... I was not a social being..

kaya ngayon eh bumabawi ako.. di sa pamamagitan ng pag-pa-party.. ako'y bumabawi sa pamamagitan ng pag-explore ng maynila..

marahil ay hinde magandang lugar ang maynila para mag-explore sa isang studyanteng katulad ko.. ngunit hinde ako magpapatinag at ako'y matututo sa mga pasikot-sikot ng maynila...

shit.. I am not making sense..

may I speak in engrish?

anyway...

yeah.. this doesn't seem to be my year.. although senior high was relatively fun.. but I consider the early part of 2009 as the extension of 2008.. don't ask why.. I have a screwed process.. although I don't think you'd even dare ask why...

UST is fun.. I guess.. but everything seems too.. structured.. or I dunno..

the school isn't for people with free spirits.. because to believe in God means.. GOD OWNS YOUR SPIRIT

whatever...

Antony on Yoko Ono's Toyboat sounds weird.. I mean.. Yoko Ono sounds weird on her own.. but to put a transvestite guy-girl on second voice.. is WEIRD

AGAIN... I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE A COHERENT YEAR END REVIEW..

I don't even care if it isn't good.. its not like I get a grade for doing a good entry...

GOD DAMN IT

I 'm just high on kitkats again.. I need to sleep.. and reply to the messages I ignored on facebook..

souleater

I've been listening to some Yoko Ono lately... she's good.. a good alternative to Bjork..

so yeah.. if you're a fan of weird music.. then Yoko Ono should be on your list.. but if you're too artsy and pretentious.. you may call her music as avant-garde...

anyway... its goodbye to 2009... and the year... feels.. like.. I dunno.. nothing...

I can't seem to derive any form of enjoyment out of anything nowadays... its like I am in a profound state of anhedonia.. like my multiply blog title..

my life doesn't feel like its going anywhere... yeah.. sure.. there is the corporate world I have to face after college.. but that doesn't seem like a good direction.. although it doesn't have to suck.. it will definitely suck.. but it won't suck as much... cause I'll be compensated.. with money.. which will be used to buy happiness...

yes... happiness is something that can be bought... because you don't buy something that you know would make you feel like shit... its what economists learn...

but yeah... I don't want to waste a part of my life in an office space working my ass off... I don't want work.. I want do something I like and be paid for it...

although I don't think I'll be thinking of the money when I'm doing something I enjoy.. yeah.. I guess a good job is priceless...

it all boils down to being happy with life... we all live to be happy.. and please.. prove me wrong...

I skipped noche buena for this?!

if enough people believed in something to be real... it becomes real...

like religion...

my throat hurts and its christmas time... and its noche buena... and I ate too much mashed potatoes... I am so mashed.. while listening to songs with 320 kbps bitrates

I promised a rundown of the gifts... and yeah... I'll give you a stripped down version... cause I am too mashed

I got a lot of things to wear.. top of my list is the Playboy boxers from the Agron family.. next is the abercrombie and fitch from the other Agron family.. then jeans one skinny, one hip hop-ish.. from tita nene and the Batallones, respecitvely.. then 3 bench body briefs from the Delgras.. YEAH!

the De Leons gave me a puzzle which I cannot seem to solve.. cause it's World's Most Difficult Puzzle™

Katrina's boyfriend gave me 2 copies of Discovery Magazine.. although it's technically my sister and my cousin's gift.. the boyfriend was just like the executive producer of some sort...

the Roldans gave me a paperback copy of the third edition of Geoffrey Robertson's Crimes Against Humanity.. the cover is orange and white, fits well in my room but you just gotta see how thick it is.. its thicker than a cheeseburger deluxe... and its a freakin' paperback! c'mon!

but yeah... I'll do my best go through the book... although I still have a backlog on Yann Martel's Life of Pi...

I think people assume too much that I am a voracious reader... my grade school yearbook even described me as such! and to set the record straight... I AM NOT A FAN OF READING.. you probably noticed that by now with the way I write my blog entries... but yeah.. people assume that I love reading because I seem to know a lot...

I just know a lot because there exists a National Geographic, Discovery Channel, and Google Video..

despite the fact that I got things to read for christmas, I felt glad because those people who gave me things to read know my interests.. and I believe that makes us really glad when we receive good gifts is not the gift itself.. but the fact that someone knows us well enough to give us what we want.. ergo, we get an assurance that people out there still knows who we are... our existence is acknowledged by others...

I don't think I can write more.. I wrote Mirjam Verkleij an excessively long message already.. and my brain is too mashed...

just imagine the image has vignetting, I don't have photoshop

320 kilobytes per sicand

the more I get older.. the more I don't feel the spirit of christmas...

...or maybe I'm just in an emotional recession?

but I've adopted a new philosophy of "everything is gonna be alright"... I think that's a song... I must be a song.. c'mon... is there any line that hasn't been turned into a song?

the family wouldn't be having a christmas party... for reasons I don't think you'd care about so I won't bother even typing it here... but yeah... well yesterday we had.. I think.. but we were too busy playing rock band... now that I got the beatles.. everyone can now sing... and play.. and... yeah...

god damn it... my train of thought just got derailed..

this is like... one of the instances where I really wanna say something substantial.. but I never seem to make any sense... or at least I am not articulate enough to do so... but yeah...

I am fucking irritated.. I feel like... there is something missing.. and I can't function properly without it... no, its not sleep.. I've had 7 hours of sleep... its not a bath.. because... well.. you already know why...

this sounds cliche... but life feels empty... seriously..

yeah sure.. everything is going to be alright.. but... does that necessarily mean that life feels worth living? no, I am not going to snuff it... I may be insignificant... but hanging myself would only make me more insignificant... less important than a footnote on a book about the history of staplers...

I seriously need to get out of the country or something... or out of the planet... I feel like an extraterrestrial being.. or... like.. a person ahead of my time...

but yeah.. I think the label of being "ahead of your time" was invented just to make the crackpots and weirdos feel better... just like calling mentally retarded people as "special children"

whatever.. I'll just do a christmas gift review later... because the people I'll be thanking are those who will not be able to read any of my blog entries

alotta fun! alotta fun! alotta fan

I live a boring life... fo realzz

and today... day 1 of my christmas vacation... is... a smashing pumpkins song...

today is the greatest day I've ever known.. can't live for tomorrow...

I feel so elated... and I'm too elated.. I won't be going into too much details... let's just say.. I traveled from our house to Glorietta having no idea what to do.. and I was with my aussie cousin and her chinese-vietnamese friend who had no idea what do to as well... then when we got there they dragged me around the place... buying lotsa stuff in some upscale place.. and me looking like some 3rd world guy.. I love contaminating the rich people's airspace with my 3rd worldy-ness...

I did a lot of firsts... I was able to eat my first Hagen-Dazs scoops.. costs as much as a my 1 month budget for my LRT card.. I was able to breathe inside a leather-y smelling Louis Vuitton place.. I was able to get into a Gucci place.. which had no people innit.. I was finally able to see Cubao X at night... and I was able to commute from our house to Ayala.. and back.. with other people.. who do not know how to go home as well..

anyway... it was a lot of fun... seriously.. like.. I don't think tomorrow is worth living for.. because I know how boring it'll be..

but yeah.. I never felt so elated... its like.. I feel better than when I got the Rock Band 2 set(and I only spent a few bucks for transportation! unlike when I bought the set)... its like... I don't feel empty.. even though I know tomorrow wouldn't be as fun as today.. or technically yesterday..

I guess.. now I know what makes me happy.. its not the games I play really.. its the people I spend time with.. or at least the foreigners I spend time with.. cause honestly.. I relate better to foreigners than to the filipino natives..

maybe I need to get out of the country and live elsewhere.. somewhere with more ate michelles, winnies, mirjams, femkes, richmonds, seng kaews, gum jalis, aung tu mons, jonases, and nilses.. yeah!!

anyway... the 20th of December is marked on my calendar... today is the greatest day that I have ever known.. and its not an exaggeration... or at least it doesn't seem to be...

this is like the first time I felt really happy... in weeks.. in months.. in years.. or ever?

low by the sea

I dunno... I feel like a crab...

never moving forward and hollow...

I can't say that I always look forward to waking up the next day...

everything went downhill after getting what I want... and I'm pretty sure this'll also happen if I get another thing that I want... life feels empty...

I can hear the waves.. the wind and the birds.. but it all feels empty...

I see the sun.. I stare at it... I see through it.. and it all seems like a blur...

the wind seems to pull my long hair away.. the same way I pull it in frustration...

but now I am not angry.. I am not happy... I am in a state of empty balance... I cannot fall... I cannot rise... for I am devoid of anything even though I have everything I want...

its one of those days where you feel incomplete and yet everything you want and need is with you...

maybe I should try entering room 206

well hang

knowing someone who just recently died made me realize how life isn't worth living...

cause our existence is too minuscule to even matter.. life flows on without us.. so I wonder... why live? when dying negates everything you did?

people die everyday and yet we continue on with our daily routines... but yeah.. when significant people die we find it difficult to function.. but after some time.. you are able to move on...

so corollary is... we should just hang ourselves as well... right?

I beg to disagree... because the uncertainty of death, I believe, is enough reason for one to go for the less crappy choice...

suicide is a huge gamble... if what religion says is true.. then snuffing it will put you into a more crappy situation.. but what if the here and now is all there is? then snuffing it is an ideal short term form of escapism..

but both gives us a sense of certainty.. it all boils down to what we want to believe.. and to what belief will we be better off..

that's why I say let's just try to be as happy as we can... because if we can't make our life matter.. then might as well go for the less crappy route

when not in the proper continuum

a classmate's girlfriend decided to snuff it and hung herself...

nobody knows why... there have been speculations...

and I can't seem to feel any empathy for them...

I dunno... I just can't feel sad over the loss of anyone... I noticed this when I lose things.. or lose people... I seem to let things go easily... like.. when I realize that something is gone.. I'd wonder what happened.. then after that... I move on...

I don't think its humane to not feel any remorse when something gets lost... but does that mean I am less than a human? I do not think so... because I'd like to argue that man is not perfect.. therefore something must be better than man... other people would agree with the idea that the only thing greater than man is god... but allow me to assert that there is still something a bit better than ordinary men but lesser than god... what is it exactly? the answer is quite subjective... let's just call it the ubermensch.. the superman..

it might be a classification of a person.. but I'd like to believe that it is a state man achieves...

there could've been supermen in history... but it all depends on how a superman is defined... we can say that Hitler is a superman.. but the ordinary men destroyed his image because of opposing ideologies... we can say that Da Vinci is a superman.. but his contemporaries did not understand him.. and if Jesus of Nazareth did exist.. we can consider him as a superman.. not because of his miracles.. not because of his wisdom.. not because of his self-righteous suicide.. but because the masses say so..

the definition of a superman is very vague and subjective... and I am merely wasting your time by typing pseudo-philosophical nonsense and forcing you to read this...

and if you got anything from this blog entry.. then I salute you.. because I didn't..

christmas gift

I just bought Singstar.. with the 2 microphones...

now I can do a three-piece band in Rock Band 2... so yeah.. I've been wanting to have a Rock Band set for 2 years now..

and my dream finally came into fruition... just in time for christmas.. a nice christmas present for myself.. because the christmas present for myself last year was a game console...

but yeah... I hate my sister

anyway... but I should have this rewarding feeling and stuff...

unforutnately.. as with ever achievement I unlock I seem to get this empty feeling... it like.. I should be ecstatic because I got a rock band set by working hard.. and yet.. the hunt for the set felt better than getting it...

because when I was still yearning for the set... I felt like I had a reason to live... but now that I got it... it feels like.. life isn't worth living anymore because I got what I wanted...

life feels empty now...

I've felt this way before actually.. like when I saw one of the best films.. Cidade De Deus... watching it made me feel like I've watched the best, ergo there is no point in watching other films... and after the last day of examinations during senior year...

but I was able to get back.. by having another goal..

and now... now that I have finished my goal... I am in search for another...

and no.. graduating from UST in one piece isn't.. because it's already a given.. I'm not that dumb...

and no.. graduating with honors isn't on my list.. because a goal has to be realistic.. yeah sure.. it's something nice to aim at.. but I know I can't be the best... and I believe if you can't be the best.. be the innovator.. be the revolutionary.. change the world... because to be the best means you go through a predetermined path.. and to be the innovator means to create another path... which I believe is the better choice..

and no... being the innovator/revolutionary/the man who will change the world isn't on my list.. because a goal has to be specific... those things could mean a lot of things... although Ponce and I are planning to become revolutionaries of the Philippine music industry with our music... and Seng Kaew and I are planning to uplift the impoverished with our 100 Peso Bill Program(I'll discuss it on another blog entry)... and Richmond and I.. well.. I'm just trying to learn from a person wiser than me...

soooooooo I guess.. yeah.. that settles it.. my next goal is to be financially independent I guess... or become a House DJ.. or to own a skateboard..

or to make people happy... oh wait.. it has to be specific.. yeah..

should I even speak

I just got Rock Band 2 drums... finally.. years after the game's release..

I've been wanting to get the set.. but unfortunately I started studying in UST.. and saving money feels more like concentration camp than it did back in high school...

...and now I am working my ass off to chase people selling Singstar with the 2 microphones... it is very very frustrating... it feels like work... but who cares..

at least I'm trying to fulfill a dream..

...of buying a set which every other person in the world already have..

I am such a waste of carbon...

all of which makes me anxious... at times unbearable so

at dawn when electric currents run through you while taking a shower... you start to see things

you see now

you see the world...

you see tomorrow

you see the universe...

you see yesterday

and most importantly

you see the person you want to be...

in the cold winter morning you wake up.. its 4:30.. it feels like 10 in the evening... but you have obligations...

you get up... and take a bath..

you get suited up.. and take your breakfast..

then you brush your teeth.

on the best dream you are in a void... nothing to see.. nothing to hear.. nothing to feel

you wander.. to see why is it your best dream...

now you're with the one you love the most..

you wonder.. why is it your best dream?

and then you see one who loves you the most...

you wake up...

at night when the lights are on and the wind pulls you into bed.. you skip dinner because the family isn't complete yet

you lay motionless.. staring at the ceiling

you can't sleep... thinking about tomorrow.. again

you cry yourself to sleep... cause its the most effective way to be happy..

...but religion tells you to pray at night.. you don't.. you sleep.. and you don't wake up...

I get by with a lot of help from my friends

I lost my coin purse.. while at school... which apparently contains the money I need to get home...

this is when you realize that truly... no man is an island...

cause luckily.. I saw Elmar Lactaoen.. he gave me some spare change.. which was 16 pesos.. with a very shiny five peso coin..

he must've realized with the eerily serious tone of my voice... this was an urgent situation... because I tend to humiliate him in front of his friends.. maybe it also occurred to him than when I don't act like an ass.. there must be a problem...

oh yes oh yes... I always act like an ass one way or another...

then I thought of Sud.. oh yes oh yes.. I think about men... I texted him immediately.. and informed him of the situation... I went to his location and surprisingly.. he got overly generous... he gave me a hundred peso bill.. when I only needed 32 pesos..

so that's 6 pesos for the jeep to recto..

15 pesos for the ticket from recto to santolan..

10 pesos for the jeepney ride to cypress..

and 17 pesos for the tricycle ride to my house...

I tend to feel uneasy when I get help from other people... I really dunno why.. maybe I got too used to being the lone wolf.. and when others help me.. I feel like I'm not doing my job properly..

but I am totally grateful.. I just don't like it when I am indebted to other people...

carpal tunnel

Harmonix/Rock Band just gave me a reason to hate Judas Priest...

yeah sure the music and the talent is amazing.. but when your wrists have to hurt like hell and then you won't get a reward in the end.. then..

I dunno...

I am pertaining to the song Painkiller by Judas Priest... a song which I'm pretty sure none of you has ever heard of..

the guitar solo on these things are so damn difficult especially when your wrists hurt after playing Metallica's Battery.. which I am, again, pretty sure that you haven't heard of...

well at least finishing Battery gave me a rewarding feeling.. but playing Painkiller.. and not even finishing it.. and losing millions of fans.. and leaving me frustrated..

yep.. you really do need painkillers when you play Judas Priest's Painkiller... your wrist will hurt like hell.. I tell you..

and the sad thing is.. the farthest I got on the song was like 49%

god damn it

nailed

I wanna go to Richmond's party... seriously.

I rarely go to birthday celebrations... I don't even like celebrating birthdays!

and if ever I decided to go the party, I'd be the youngest guy there. Everyone would be in their twenties or something... and wouldn't that feel awkward? oh wait.. age is just a number... and according to some people.. I don't act my age...

and oh yeah.. I promised Richmond a bottle of Hennessy.

and once again once more... I am running away from my duties. I suck.

It'll be in a few hours.. I can get to his place in an hour or so. But I was never good with politics, and I don't think I can convince the higher powers to green light my plans for tonight. Oh yes... parents.. they're the greatest buzzkills.. next to the government.

I'd like to be as honest as possible.. cause we have too many liars running the world.

But the rationale behind my decision kinda seems stupid.. cause the whole world is practically aware that those who deviate from the rules get what they want and succeeds. It's practically a tried and tested method of getting what you want.

and if there is something I find difficult doing... its lying. SERIOUSLY

I can hurt as much people as I want but at the end of the day my conscience (or whats left of it) will always eat me when I lie.

So it's either I come clean or I kill my parents and threaten Mang Johnny to drive me to Richmond's place.

if... logic?

I look like my sister... and my sister has a boyfriend...

then it presupposes that I have the potential to have a boyfriend/girlfriend...

and if a man has to do the courting... and the lady has to just wait...

then it means I have a lesser probability to get a boyfriend/girlfriend...

therefore... if I am willing to court someone.. I can get a boyfriend/girlfriend...

...or maybe it all depends on the circumstances?

a woman/man may be likened to a jeepney... it has its route.. it has its passenger capacity.. and it has it's competitors...

put a jeepney in the wrong place (ie Pasig-Quiapo jeep in Paranaque).. nobody will ride it...

put a jeepney in a heavily congested location (ie Santolan Station at 7-8PM on a friday evening)... the jeepney will not be able to accomodate every passenger who wants to ride it...

and put a jeepney with a dozen of the same route (ie Cogeo-Cubao jeepneys in Santolan Station in midday)... only those will efficient barkers or those who were there first will get the passengers..

either I am making sense or my metaphors are just plain wrong...

therefore I must continue blogging for another day

screwy

I've been playing dota for the past few nights... and I've been failing miserably.. against Normal AI on version 59

...and it doesn't seem to be helping my generally bad mood lately. seriously

and eating at Mang Tootz on your own isn't doing me good as well... I need a friend.. seriously.

on the 5th of December its my Nigerian friend's birthday... its one of those things that I am pressured to remember because he asked me and a bunch of his friends to buy him a bottle of Hennessy.. I'm screwed. seriously.

I still don't have a Christmas gift for anyone.. even for myself. Although I was never really a fan of giving or buying or thinking of gifts. I guess the Rock Band 2 guitar bundle I got might be considered as one... but god damn it I had to sell some of my prized belongings to have it. Nothing to be glad about. I'm screwed... seriously.

oh well.. at least the climate is getting better. The winds are getting colder and the afternoons are not as hot as it used to be. But that's a good combination if I want to be ridden by colds pretty much... still screwed.. seriously.

Even though I keep on saying "seriously", I don't think any of you will really take me seriously. Oh well... maybe I've preempted that scenario... and it doesn't really make a difference if people take me seriously or not. I don't seem to be person I used to be... so why bother?

Its not like the page views would even reach double digits for this blog entry.. since multiply, blogging, and multiply blogging is dead.

so why continue on typing? is it really that important to produce an entry?

I guess I'm just doing this for myself... yes, even here I will be a selfish bastard.

again I ask... so why bother?