I knew the years would move quickly...

...but never quite as fast as this.

pero ewan, gagawa ba ko ng New Year's Resolution? di naman ako gumagawa ng ganun ever, at tamad naman akong nilalang kaya di rin matutuloy yun eh.

oo nga 'no, gawin ko kayang New Year's Resolution na di na ko magiging tamad!

meh.. sabi sa TV ang dapat gawing New Year's Resolution eh yung bagay na di mo na makayanan. eh di naman problema saken ang pagiging tamad eh. oo nga may mga bagay akong di nagagawa o natatapos, oo puro mediocre lang grades ko... pero at least di pa ko nagsa-suffer ng malubha dahil sa katamaran.

so what? maghihintay akong may masamang mangyari saken?

c'mon! as if naman may nangyayaring masama pag tamad ka. walang mangyayaring masama sa taong tamad! bagkus, ang mga masasamang bagay ay nangyayari sa mga taong may ginagawa. tulad ng isang lawyer na di tamad, ipinagtanggol ang isang kliyente niya, at ang kalaban niya ay isang malaking organized crime ring... nung naipanalo niya ang kaso, pinatumba siya ng bossing ng organized crime ring. oo, nagsipag siya at gumawa ng mabuti... pero may nangyaring masama sa kanya!

oo, yung fictitious na scenario ang gagamitin ko para i-justify ang katamaran ko. but point is, I get by... I passed UST, isang institusyon na pinaghirapang pasukan ng mga taga-FEU o UE, nang tamad. I haven't failed any subject in college, although may mga pagkakataon na muntik na ko, nang tamad. oo, walang nararating ang tamad, alam ko yun. at mas pinili ko pa rin maging tamad kahit alam ko na ang ramifications ng gagawin ko, or lack thereof. pero yun ang mas madaling daan na pwede tahakin. ang walang gawin.

kaya di pa ko nagiging honor student, kaya isa akong malaking disappointment sa mga former mentors ko, kaya di pa ko nagkakagirlfriend, kaya di pa ko nagkaka-lisensya, kaya na-deactivate yung sim ko... maraming bagay ang kulang saken dahil sa katamaran ko. pero hey, its not a problem. billion others can live without those things, why can't I be one of them?

cause they are miserable folks who go nowhere... but you have the potential to do great.

true, I've always been aware that I am capable of doing great things... pero without self-control or determination you won't be able to do anything. that's the problem with the world, they tell you that you have the potential... and that's it. they just state a possibility, and they expect you to do it. yeah sure, if insert name of an accomplished individual here can do it, then why can't you? oh yeah... but remember the known fact that NOT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME?

some people can be their best by working their asses off, but not for me. I guess I can, but... I've always been too lazy... and I am too lazy to even change it.

so this 2011, I will...

reasons why everone should race

everyone should know the fundamentals of racing. that'd make the world a better place.

why?

cause before you were even born, you started out as a race. or at least half of you did. read: union of sperm and egg cells

but apart from that, I have legitimate reasons why everyone should know how to race.

cause I've been playing Gran Turismo 5 for quite some time now and after playing the series for more than a decade, I realized something... that there are certain aspects of racing which works in our daily lives.

yeah sure, racing is just about who gets from point A to point B first, but there are things which happens in between points A and B.

exhibit A:
The Tires - defined as the only part of the car that gets into contact with the road itself and thus gets you to the finish line, tires are pretty important if you want to win a race.

there was an instance where I tuned up a car, overhauled the engine and all that jazz. what I practically did was I made it a very very very powerful car capable of speeds nearing 300km/h. I did a race using that car, but then shit started to happen. my car would spin out of control at times, it won't break as intended so I crashed into a pile of tires. I analyzed the post-race data in order to find out what went wrong... it was the tires. I had hard comfort tires, which practically doesn't have grip... ergo, I skid around the tracks and spun out of control.

moral of the story? I have a lot of things in mind really... like how its important to be grounded. or what truly matters is what makes contact. or you have to get a grip on things, otherwise you'd lose control. its open to sooooo much interpretation, so I'll let you decide cause I can't.

exhibit B-
Lap Time

racing, just like running events, is timed. time how long it took you to finish one lap, time it took you to finish the whole race. and its pretty much a sport where every second count.

I was doing a license test, and in order to get gold I have to finish the track in 1 minute and 17 seconds... and to finish silver 1 minute and 19 seconds... and to finish bronze was 1 minute and 25 seconds. I practically spent the whole night trying to finish the track 2 seconds faster than I did. I spent more than 5 hours trying to nail that 2 seconds. TWO SECONDS FOR GOD'S SAKE!! yeah sure, I came close... 1 second shaved off. but I came closest when I finished 1 minute and 17.298 seconds. I made a fucking mistake for .298 seconds... its insane and unforgiving. just like life.

moral of the story, you may not notice it... but every second counts, seriously. you can try to downplay the importance of the seconds in your life, but who knows? those seconds you waste can possibly turn into 60. and that 60 can turn into 3,600. and that 3,600 can turn into 86,400. which can turn into 604,800... and you get the point. or you don't... either way, this entry is just as good as toilet literature.

exhibit C-
What's Outside The Windows

while doing this blog entry, I ran out of ideas, cause my main point really was exhibit B. but then I started playing again. I was driving a Lamborghini Gallardo, if you're not familiar with the car think: super badass 400 horsepower sportscar. It was at night, at Tuscany. I drove as fast as I could in the darkness, only my headlamps showing the way... but at the middle of the race, out in the distance there were fireworks. it looked beautiful, coloring the night sky, good music playing from the background... I was distracted. for a second I took my eyes of the visible road, but then I crashed into the barriers. I eventually lost the race, all because of... video game fireworks! not even the fancy, Paskuhan type fireworks.

for the nth time, moral of the story: keep your eyes on the road. you will be presented with a million other temptations, but remember to focus... otherwise you'll get screwed. or I dunno, sometimes you're not even on the right track, and your true destination is towards the fireworks.

anyway... I can't think of anything else cause some annoying kid is pretending to fight the TV. its 42 inches and its LCD... ergo, its bigger than the boy and its pretty fragile. and the TV is the only thing I have. apart from my playstation... and this netbook.. and my family.

but yeah, I hate kids. I don't find them cute. I think they're annoying. and thank god they don't understand english, cause they're reading this just as I type. *ding* I just had an amazing idea.

"hey kids, FUCK YOU"

put your hang up in the air

aftermath ng pasko...

marami sigurong di nakatanggap ng regalong inaasam nila, marami sigurong di nagkaroon ng matinong celebration, at marami rin sigurong di nagpasko... dahil di sila katoliko.

...at sa dinami-dami ng taong yun, kayo lang ang magbabasa nito na di man lang aabot ng double digits.

oo, nadismaya rin ako... pero di lang ngayong holiday season. on a regular basis, nadidisappoint ako. irrational, oo, pero what can I do, di naman ako makina para maka-get over it kaagad. come to think of it, pag nadidisappoint ako ng bongga, nag-va-vow ako na balang araw mapapa-sakin din yung di ko natanggap noon.

kaya pag di ko nabibili yung laruan na gusto ko talaga, pina-pramis ko sa sarili ko na "balang araw, magkakatrabaho ako, yayaman ako, at mabibili ko rin yang laruan na yan" magpupursigi akong makuha yan para balang araw ma-re-live ko yung youth that I've always wanted. parang si Michael Jackson. at oo, alam kong wasak ang buhay niya. pero what can I do, I don't have the luxury of being human enough to care for others.

oo, isa akong selfish na nilalang. yun lagi ang pinupukpok ng magulang ko sa aking kokote. pero di ko na sila kokontrahin, aminado naman ako eh. I only care about myself, and I only care about others if their well being will benefits me.

pero ayun, nabubuhay ako para sa sarili ko, para sa mga gamit na di ko nakuha. at pagkatanda ko, pagka wala na ang magulang ko ay may asawa na mga kapatid ko, nakatira ako mag-isa sa condo ko na puno ng mga laruan na may dalawang tennis court, isang hard court at clay.

lahat ng makamundong bagay ay inasam ko ng sobra...

...until I discovered religion.

oo, religion changed my life.

*this is the part where you get shocked and not be able to fully grasp the idea that Kenneth was touched by religion*

no, the scriptures didn't tell me anything. napipikon ako pag nagse-sermon ang pari, lalo na pag tungkol sa pamilya o sa pera o sa trabaho o sa marangyang buhay... as if naman may sapat na karanasan siya bilang isang ama, o negosyante, o in demand na bachelor. at ang masaklap pa dun, linggo-linggo pumupunta ang libu-libong nananalig para sabihang may mali sa kanila and shit. o baka di sila nakikinig critically habang nagsesermon ang pari o baka nag-zo-zone out lang sila habang misa at ginagawa lang ito na parang routine. at yun ang masaklap sa catholic church.

kaya I have found solace in Hinduism.

oo, sa relihiyong nageencourage na hugasan ang sarili sa maduming ilog ng Ganges.

oo, sa relihiyiong sinusunog ang mga newly-widowed.

oo, sa relihiyong rine-revere ang holy shit.

salamat sa subject kong Philosophical Anthropology, ang bullshit (pun intended) na practices ng Hinduism finally made sense. sa paniniwala ng mga Hindu ko nabitawan ang pagiging materialistic ko, ang pagiging stuck sa cycle ng consumerism, and most importantly, ang mga hang up ko.

oo, masyadong mystical ang paniniwala ng mga Hindu. at oo, mas may rational explanation ang Buddhism. pero ewan, Hindu belief really struck home for me. mula sa mga readings ng Upanishads, at ang pag-explain na within us are souls which is Atman, which is a part of the greater universe which is Brahman. so ibig sabihin our souls and the universe flows as one, we are part of the universe in as much as the universe is part of us.

pero on a more practical sense, sa Hinduism ko rin natutunan na we give in to our material wants in order to appease the pain of being incomplete. and Hinduism encourages us to find the true self, the self which does not experience pain and therefore does not need worldly belongings, the state of dreamless sleep. because in our waking hours, we are stuck in a cycle of wanting something and once we get it, we shift our wants elsewhere. I mean we already are already stuck in a cycle of birth and rebirth, according to Hindu and Buddhist beliefs, although I do not subscribe to that concept fully.

cause at the end of the road when all is said and done, you'll look back and ponder... what did I live for? what were the dreams that I chased? for what did I spent my past 60 years (assuming you live up to the life expectancy of a male Filipino) for?

will you allow yourself to be hung up on a cycle of materialism in order to get your mind off the pain of living with the material self?

or will you take the noble path?

...to find the self which does not experience pain from a lack of material things. the self which finds solace on its own without having to depend on anything.

maligayang paksiw

baket kaya may mga taong di nararamdaman ang pasko?

may kaibigan akong may girlfriend at mayaman, pero di niya daw nararamdaman ang pasko.

may kaibigan akong weirdo at sakristan na know it all, di rin daw niya nararadaman na pasko.

at ako, ang batang maraming hangups na walang ginawa buong taon kundi man-stalk... pero nararamdaman ko naman ang spirit of christmas.

anong klaseng tao ba ang manhid sa spirit of christmas? malabong isang miserableng tao, dahil may kilala akong thrid world equivalent ni richie rich pero di daw niya nararamdaman na pasko na. posible siguro na may kulang sa kanila o may inaasahan silang may magandang mangyayari sa pasko pero di nangyari kaya nadismaya siguro sila.

kaya as much as possible, I keep my expectations low.

ano ba naman kasi mapapala mo pag nag-expect ka ng bongga diba? as if naman may telepathic ability ka para lalong pagbutihin ng universe na gawin ang inaasahan mo. pwede mo rin sabihin sa tao na mataas expectation mo sa kanila, pero pasko ang pinaguusapan natin. di mo pwede sabihin na mataas expectation mo sa isang abstract idea, kasi magmumuka kang avid reader ng mga self-help books.

wala namang masama sa pag-basa ng self-help books, marangal na pinagkakakitaan rin yan at as if naman ganun ka-laki ang royalties na natatanggap ng mga awtor ng mga librong yan.

pero ayun... kahit papaano umasa na rin ako at na-disappoint. pero dahil naman kasi ang pag-asa lang ang ginawa ko. di ko sinet up yung sitwasyon upang mangyari ang inaasahan ko. tulad lang kanina, inaasahan kong dadaan kami sa isang mall para makabili ako ng Gran Turismo 5. pero next time na lang daw. o inasahan ko dati na mananalo ang Nederland laban sa Espanya nung World Cup Final. pero naputol ang winning streak ng pambato ko. o tulad ng pag-exam ko sa ateneo, na dahil sobrang nadalian ako feel na feel ko nang magiging katipunan boy na ko. pero hinde, ang tumanggap saken ay ang royal and pontifical.

siguro naman mas masaklap ang mga disappointing moments ng karamihan ng tao, pero kahit gano pa ka-babaw ang sitwasyon ko. dagok pa rin ito.

pero di ako magdadrama sa isang tabi buong araw at magsasayang ng oras. hinde, magdadrama lang ako ng ilang minuto for added effect, matapos nito ay pagpaplanuhan ko na ang susunod kong gagawin. madalas ko nga sabihin sa sarili ko "now that I am in deep shit, how do I swim out of it?" oo, kahit sarili kong psyche iniingles ko, at oo yun na yung metaphor na gagamitin ko.

bilang isang ekonomista, lahat ng bagay ay maka-classify as resource, kahit ang time. at trabaho ng isang ekonomista ang pag-maximize ng resources. exception to the rule ang peysbuk, ayos lang pagsayangan ng panahon ang peysbuk... ewan ko kung baket.. pero ayos lang. pero ang pag-dadrama at pag-whine, wala kang napapala dun.. maaring mas wala kang mapapala sa peysbuk.. pero at least di ka malungkot o nababagot... unless nagdadrama ka habang gumagamit ng peysbuk, krimen na yun.

ewan ko ba kung ano point ko, pero lagi naman akong malabo eh... what difference does it make? tska lagi namang wala kang mapapala sa pag-basa nito eh... kaya mag peysbuk ka na lang...

...better yet, go out and make the world a better place to live in one deed at a time. ayos?

to get her

that's what you have to do in order to be TOGETHER.

but as of now, I just want to talk to her. so I'll be a STALKER.

just pretend it rolls off the tongue pretty well.

anyway, I wanted this to be part 2 of my last entry, cause... I didn't seem to end it all too well. and because I wanted to say more but I wasn't able to cause... some random intellectual property right came to mind and my train of thought got derailed.

part 2:

okay, stalking isn't the easiest thing to do. no wait, it is. cause I seem to get a kick out of trying to live out scenarios in the games I play. err... don't get the idea that I play creepy stalker games. no, I play normal games normal people play... in america, or japan, or europe. cause normal people here in the philippines play dota and stuff. which I can't seem to enjoy. or probably I am just too pussified to face tough competition.

stalking probably is pathetic to some, if not, everyone. yeah, I'll admit it, I don't have the balls to just approach someone and say hi. It doesn't work that way for me, I work better in the shadows. like an assassination job, but instead of me doing the killing, its cupid's job to pull the string of his/her bow, all I have to do is to provide a name, a face, an information.

cause really, the one I am stalking right now wasn't the easiest to catch. last year, the only thing I knew about her was she's a 2nd year Literature major. but now, I pretty much know her educational background, activities she engaged in, her family, the car his dad drives, her friends, and her friends information. tell me now, I am just fucking awesome right?

Once I was in a contemplative state after watching Richard Linklater's Waking Life, I had the balls to click the 'add as friend' button. but having no friends in common, she ignored my request. after which I got paranoid, thinking that she probably knows me now and I am a sitting duck waiting to be ridiculed by her army of girls which came from exclusive schools. and a swarm of exclusive school girls are, scary.

she knows me, but I know her more. but it came to a point where it felt like it was some worthless research. its like doing philosophical dissertations, it ain't practical. a dude with balls would've gotten her with lesser effort than a stalker like me would. and so it came to be, it was probably a summer of love, or something else. but if my intel was correct at the time, she had a relationship from May to late-November/early-December. even if she might've broken up, I feel like I missed the chance. cause it'll roughly be around a year and a half until she graduates, and during my senior year I should stop being a stalker...

...by then she and I have to be together™

can you say 'stalker'?

for a year now, it seems... but it doesn't feel like its that long. or probably because I don't think about how long it has been. and to prove that, I'll prove myself wrong by saying that I started stalking her january of 2010.

it's been almost a year... what's new?

I vowed last year to find out her name, to put a name on that beautiful painting. but no (it may sound cheesy) she's more than a painting. cause I seemed to have placed her on a pedestal (and you can't put paintings on pedestals) and I feel inferior to her (which to some extent is true but that's not the point)

and when you feel inferior, you feel like you don't have the right to have someone or something. and I don't want that to happen. I would like to believe (no matter how far fetched it may be) that she and I will be something. without the drama of being overly possessive and insecure, like my good friend which seems to have problems with his girlfriend every now and then. wait, on second thought, 'every now and then' is an understatement, 'every single day' makes sense.

tall, dark, and lovely. that's me, wouldn't you agree? that's also her.

I'm not pretty sure if I posted this long ago, but she's different. I'd see her for a few seconds, and it makes my day. or even before my day start, I'd be with her in a dream and the moment I wake up with that hazy memory of being with her already makes my day. Some days, I'd try to stay a bit longer at school just to catch a glimpse of her. Are there other people who are as obsessed as I am? who knows. but fact of the matter is, she's different. different from every pretty face I see in university.

like, no matter how many pretty faces catch my eyes, there'll be this one lady who catches my heart.

OKAY! THAT LINE IS MINE! I WILL SUE ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PUT IT IN THEIR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY WITHOUT GIVING ME DUE COMPENSATION! I'll put a trademark after it just to prove my point.

like, no matter how many pretty faces catch my eyes, there'll be this one lady who catches my heart.™

SO NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT LINE!!

or probably you can, if and only if, you girl caught you checking out other ladies. and if that wins the argument, then send me money!

wow, I've deviated from the topic like... I'm trippin' on shrooms.