I have a good friend, who thinks too far into the future... he remained single for quite sometime, and the idea of not being able to marry someone scared him. so he constantly looked for a girlfriend who essentially would be his wife. as of writing, he isn't single. and he intends to marry his girlfriend... sounds weird, but he thinks too long term.
admittedly, I went through that phase. I was afraid of dying lonely and not being able to marry. though I'm fairly certain that it's everyone's fear to die lonely... but it's not a realization kids my age have. I never looked for a girlfriend whom I would marry unlike my friend. I just wallowed in the fear. I persevered though, I was able to accept and learn how to be single... eventually I even loved being single.
thus, I am not afraid of dying lonely, nor will I die lonely. I am fairly certain that at the age where everyone starts to get married, I will cave in. by then it doesn't have to be an ideal woman, as long as she's fertile. if I don't cave in however, maybe I'll end up like my dentist aunt. the only difference between the two of us, is that I am not overtly religious. maybe instead of the pets she surrounds herself to compensate of the lack of family to be with her, I will buy toys to relive the childhood my parents weren't able to afford me, though I do consider myself very lucky already. or maybe I'll start a school or a non-profit organization for kids. maybe I'll fill the void by helping the needy.
or maybe I'll die before I even get pressured into marrying...
but I'm not afraid. cause there are other things I should be afraid of... like surviving college, the possibility of dying family members, and the cockroach flying around the room.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
years of waiting
and wanting, but never really taking any action... something significant happened.
I've been meaning to write something about it, but then I was... consumed by the feeling of... I dunno how to describe it.
saying that I've waited years may sound pretty long, but being realistic, it's practically just two years. for most people though, two years seems like a long time. most relationships I know don't even last a year or so, or maybe I'm just meeting the wrong people? I dunno how I managed to endure just looking at her facebook profile, itching to click the "add as friend" button. For some, they say, that adding someone on facebook isn't too much of a big deal. maybe that's why having hundreds of virtual friends is something taken for granted.
of all the things that would happen, I never expected that the moment I've been waiting for would happen on the field I play on, with the sport I grew to love, and on the day that the last thing, no... not even the last thing, it was NEVER on the list of things that could possibly happen on that day.
saturday morning... october 22... 2012
a football tournament on UST grounds, supposedly if it weren't for the rescheduling, I would've been with my mom and sister in Mindanao on the longest zipline in Asia. but no, I chose to play, because I love winning. and so there I was with my teammates, my friends, getting prepared for clobbering time. I've been there, three times at least, and rarely do I get surprises. but that day... the girl that I like so much... was there. a teammate of mine who have known that I liked her informed me that she was there, that she was going to play "keeper" and I thought he was just fucking with me, but rarely does that guy fuck with me. but there was a great sense of disbelief and I told myself "I want her to be there, but no, it's highly improbable that she'll be there" and yes, at times I do think in english.
but yeah... she was there.
never in my wildest dreams that I will get to spend the whole day with her, playing the sport I love in the university I first saw her. though I wasn't "spending" the whole day with her, I am a bad social butterfly, no, I am a social moth... for a lack of a better term. there I was reluctantly avoiding her, but wanting to get to meet her. it happens to us sometimes, maybe... sa tagalog: torpe. and I haven't had much experience with dealing with ladies. I've been trying to compensate for my lack of ladies skills by being a confidant to them, but unfortunately I still lack the basic social skills.
practically the whole day passed and I was there just staring at her when I get the chance, she's pretty... not the prettiest, but I can settle with that. cause it never gets old. I had numerous chances of not being single and getting it on with someone and be in a relationship, not to sound cheesy though but a fair warning: it will get cheesy (if this hasn't gone cheesy yet), she has always been there. though I haven't met her yet, and yes a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, I'd rather dive into the uncertainty of the bush (and no this is not a double entendre) and take the risk of remaining single hoping to get a chance with her.
I said before though, probably not here, that I love being single. it's true, unlike most people I know, not only can I survive being single, but I can be truly happy on my own. but when the opportunity presents itself with the right person... I still do not know if I should take it. I really really REALLY want to, but then am I the right man for the job? have I developed into the person that would make it work for her?
can't answer that until I really take the first step. cause realistically, friending someone on facebook isn't too much of a step.
I've been meaning to write something about it, but then I was... consumed by the feeling of... I dunno how to describe it.
saying that I've waited years may sound pretty long, but being realistic, it's practically just two years. for most people though, two years seems like a long time. most relationships I know don't even last a year or so, or maybe I'm just meeting the wrong people? I dunno how I managed to endure just looking at her facebook profile, itching to click the "add as friend" button. For some, they say, that adding someone on facebook isn't too much of a big deal. maybe that's why having hundreds of virtual friends is something taken for granted.
of all the things that would happen, I never expected that the moment I've been waiting for would happen on the field I play on, with the sport I grew to love, and on the day that the last thing, no... not even the last thing, it was NEVER on the list of things that could possibly happen on that day.
saturday morning... october 22... 2012
a football tournament on UST grounds, supposedly if it weren't for the rescheduling, I would've been with my mom and sister in Mindanao on the longest zipline in Asia. but no, I chose to play, because I love winning. and so there I was with my teammates, my friends, getting prepared for clobbering time. I've been there, three times at least, and rarely do I get surprises. but that day... the girl that I like so much... was there. a teammate of mine who have known that I liked her informed me that she was there, that she was going to play "keeper" and I thought he was just fucking with me, but rarely does that guy fuck with me. but there was a great sense of disbelief and I told myself "I want her to be there, but no, it's highly improbable that she'll be there" and yes, at times I do think in english.
but yeah... she was there.
never in my wildest dreams that I will get to spend the whole day with her, playing the sport I love in the university I first saw her. though I wasn't "spending" the whole day with her, I am a bad social butterfly, no, I am a social moth... for a lack of a better term. there I was reluctantly avoiding her, but wanting to get to meet her. it happens to us sometimes, maybe... sa tagalog: torpe. and I haven't had much experience with dealing with ladies. I've been trying to compensate for my lack of ladies skills by being a confidant to them, but unfortunately I still lack the basic social skills.
practically the whole day passed and I was there just staring at her when I get the chance, she's pretty... not the prettiest, but I can settle with that. cause it never gets old. I had numerous chances of not being single and getting it on with someone and be in a relationship, not to sound cheesy though but a fair warning: it will get cheesy (if this hasn't gone cheesy yet), she has always been there. though I haven't met her yet, and yes a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, I'd rather dive into the uncertainty of the bush (and no this is not a double entendre) and take the risk of remaining single hoping to get a chance with her.
I said before though, probably not here, that I love being single. it's true, unlike most people I know, not only can I survive being single, but I can be truly happy on my own. but when the opportunity presents itself with the right person... I still do not know if I should take it. I really really REALLY want to, but then am I the right man for the job? have I developed into the person that would make it work for her?
can't answer that until I really take the first step. cause realistically, friending someone on facebook isn't too much of a step.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
all natural
I saw her again today.. like I always hope for. somehow, it never gets old. I see her for a few seconds and it makes my day... really, of all the things the universe can endow me, I'd settle with her recognizing that I exist. sure you can dismiss a few seconds of eye contact to be something which happens to everyone. but I tell you, it's different. you just don't meet eyes with someone for the past two and a half years without any form of familiarization with the other person. I'm pretty sure she recognizes me...
although I noticed something different... just recently it takes a while before I recognize that it's her. like: I'd be standing and I'd look at someone... and a few seconds later... it'll register in my brain that it's her. and by the time I recognize that it's her, I'd at least stared at her for 3-5 seconds. you might argue that it's just a few seconds, but no, the subconscious mind works faster than a second... so the 3-5 seconds is huge.
apart from my delayed reflexes, I also noticed something... unappealing. it's just a little thing though, something that even I can fix. I noticed her bad choice of makeup. she's a few f-stops whiter than me, but she definitely isn't white... she's light brown at best and yet she's using makeup designed for rosy white people. imagine me putting powder on my face, and the whiteness of the powder is noticeable on my brown skin. I'm no expert but I can at least tell if someone is using the wrong makeup... not because I'm gay, but because I just have too much time on my hands. but yeah, she should've used something which blends well with her skin tone... or she shouldn't have used make up, she's pretty without it.
for more makeup tips visit: http://www.youtube.com/user/MichellePhan I'll reiterate, I am not gay. okay?
although I noticed something different... just recently it takes a while before I recognize that it's her. like: I'd be standing and I'd look at someone... and a few seconds later... it'll register in my brain that it's her. and by the time I recognize that it's her, I'd at least stared at her for 3-5 seconds. you might argue that it's just a few seconds, but no, the subconscious mind works faster than a second... so the 3-5 seconds is huge.
apart from my delayed reflexes, I also noticed something... unappealing. it's just a little thing though, something that even I can fix. I noticed her bad choice of makeup. she's a few f-stops whiter than me, but she definitely isn't white... she's light brown at best and yet she's using makeup designed for rosy white people. imagine me putting powder on my face, and the whiteness of the powder is noticeable on my brown skin. I'm no expert but I can at least tell if someone is using the wrong makeup... not because I'm gay, but because I just have too much time on my hands. but yeah, she should've used something which blends well with her skin tone... or she shouldn't have used make up, she's pretty without it.
for more makeup tips visit: http://www.youtube.com/user/MichellePhan I'll reiterate, I am not gay. okay?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
numbers define who I am
it's stupid, but for some reason... it all makes sense to me. I apply for a job, the HR will look at a sheet of paper and that is how I am judged. and I never had the best looking transcript, I have grades as high as 1 and as low as 5. that one smudge, the 5, is something I'll attribute because I didn't study hard enough, I chose to do other things...
I view myself as a martyr of some sort. I have a couple of friends who are on the brink of debarment and yet I chose to help them rather than studying for a major subject. You might argue that I might've had ulterior motives, that if I helped them, I can probably get something in return. No, they're kids on the brink of debarment, what favors could they possibly return? Apart from the thank yous and whatnot, they've got noting else to give. Thus I see myself as a good samaritan, someone who'd help people in need just because they need it.
Some people might call them losers, or useless pricks, or dregs of society, but I'd rather call them underdogs... and I love underdogs. In perspective though, we're all a bunch of losers. The microcosm where underachieving kids are labelled losers is part of a bigger society where, in the grand scheme of things, those who're on top of that microcosm are the losers of a much higher society, and so on and so forth. That's why sometimes I set my desires aside because I am well aware that no matter how I try to climb the top, there will always be people up there...
and remember: the higher they get, the harder they fall.
so my counter-argument would be: together we stand, divided we fall.
cause I believe that there is strength in numbers, and if I convert some relatively worthless prick into a somewhat productive member of society, then that's one step to a better world.
so in a sense, numbers do define who I am... no, I am not pertaining to my grades and my transcript, but the number of people whose lives I've made better. thing is, when it's about love, I am very generous... I share the love to as many people as I can... and I find solace in that because...
...in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
I view myself as a martyr of some sort. I have a couple of friends who are on the brink of debarment and yet I chose to help them rather than studying for a major subject. You might argue that I might've had ulterior motives, that if I helped them, I can probably get something in return. No, they're kids on the brink of debarment, what favors could they possibly return? Apart from the thank yous and whatnot, they've got noting else to give. Thus I see myself as a good samaritan, someone who'd help people in need just because they need it.
Some people might call them losers, or useless pricks, or dregs of society, but I'd rather call them underdogs... and I love underdogs. In perspective though, we're all a bunch of losers. The microcosm where underachieving kids are labelled losers is part of a bigger society where, in the grand scheme of things, those who're on top of that microcosm are the losers of a much higher society, and so on and so forth. That's why sometimes I set my desires aside because I am well aware that no matter how I try to climb the top, there will always be people up there...
and remember: the higher they get, the harder they fall.
so my counter-argument would be: together we stand, divided we fall.
cause I believe that there is strength in numbers, and if I convert some relatively worthless prick into a somewhat productive member of society, then that's one step to a better world.
so in a sense, numbers do define who I am... no, I am not pertaining to my grades and my transcript, but the number of people whose lives I've made better. thing is, when it's about love, I am very generous... I share the love to as many people as I can... and I find solace in that because...
...in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
best in the world
until I die, I'll convince myself one thing...
that I am THE...
best in the world
which in all intents and purposes isn't really the true... for most of you at least. I know no one better than I am, thus I am THE BEST IN THE WORLD. try convincing yourself that, it works very well to keep yourself from falling into a slump.
I should be disappointed and disheartened and shit cause I had my first failure... but you know what? I deserved it. I can take it... LIKE A BOSS. My transcript is forever ruined. my employment opportunities will dwindle down to less than idea jobs. but hey, I'm the BEST IN THE WORLD. and no matter how reality disproves that, it still holds some truth in me. that I am a the best a disappointing the people around me, that I am the best in pulling out a rabbit out of my hat when you least expect it, and also I am the best at being ambivalent.
ambivalence stuck to me the most cause it's what my biology teacher back in high school, the famed Danny Seguban, told my mom. I never had a name for my style, let alone knew that I had a style. "ambivalence" has a nice ring to it... but really, it's just being "inconsistent". which is true for the most part, my inconsistency has always been THE cause for frustration for the people around me. come to think of it though, I've had times where I was consistently doing something... or consistently not doing something, and that is trying to be consistent with my performance.
I always seem to fall into the trap of resting on my laurels. I do love resting... especially on laurels, but the couch is an equally good proposition as well. both prevents me from achieving something... but hey, I wanna rest, c'mon, wouldn't you want to do it too?
that I am THE...
best in the world
which in all intents and purposes isn't really the true... for most of you at least. I know no one better than I am, thus I am THE BEST IN THE WORLD. try convincing yourself that, it works very well to keep yourself from falling into a slump.
I should be disappointed and disheartened and shit cause I had my first failure... but you know what? I deserved it. I can take it... LIKE A BOSS. My transcript is forever ruined. my employment opportunities will dwindle down to less than idea jobs. but hey, I'm the BEST IN THE WORLD. and no matter how reality disproves that, it still holds some truth in me. that I am a the best a disappointing the people around me, that I am the best in pulling out a rabbit out of my hat when you least expect it, and also I am the best at being ambivalent.
ambivalence stuck to me the most cause it's what my biology teacher back in high school, the famed Danny Seguban, told my mom. I never had a name for my style, let alone knew that I had a style. "ambivalence" has a nice ring to it... but really, it's just being "inconsistent". which is true for the most part, my inconsistency has always been THE cause for frustration for the people around me. come to think of it though, I've had times where I was consistently doing something... or consistently not doing something, and that is trying to be consistent with my performance.
I always seem to fall into the trap of resting on my laurels. I do love resting... especially on laurels, but the couch is an equally good proposition as well. both prevents me from achieving something... but hey, I wanna rest, c'mon, wouldn't you want to do it too?
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