uber helfen

tangina...

di ko ma-ayos ang sarili kong buhay... ewan ko ba kung baket... tangina talaga

siguro dahil lang ito sa kalayaang kaakibat ng pagiging college student.. pero shit.. di talaga ako pwede sa ganito... sobrang malaya ako at sobrang dami ng distractions...

o baka sadyang natatakot lang ako kaya di ako makapag-focus... ayaw ko sanang mag-summer... kung pwede lang sana.. bumagsak ako tapos di ako magsusummer... kasi shit.. grades lang yan eh... paki ba ng kumpanyang pagtatrabahuhan ko pag may 5-6 years na ko ng working experience sa transcirpt of records ko... tangina talaga

napapatagalog at napapamura ako sa blag ko.. kaya seryoso na talaga ako.. although mas muka pa atang seryoso ang tono ko pag ingles ang blag entries ko... whatever...

puta... sobrang nagsasayang ako ng oras eh... alas kwatro na dito.. at kaninang alas siyete ng umaga plano ko sana eh mag-aral ako ng math buong araw... mula grade school math hanggang college algebra.. pero sa kalagitnaan.. nawalan ako ng pag-asa at tumigil na ko...

di epektibo ang plano kong takutin ang sarili sa pamamagitan ng pagkakaroon ng bagsak na prelim grade... kaya kelangan ko ng dominatrix.. haha... shit.. kahit anong pilit kong gawin di ko talaga kaya mag-seryoso sa buhay...

tanginang laki ng problema ko sa buhay amputa...

isa akong malaking patapon... promising sana ako nung grade school eh.. andaming mga teacher na nagsasabi saken na matalino naman daw ako at kaya ko daw mag top one... putang ina... dahil dun mas lalo ako naging complacent.. putang ina.. I lost the will to prove something because people were telling me I had the potential... and it somewhat made me feel like I was able to prove something... though it may not be manifested by awards or whatever.. but in some way it existed...

kaya I don't blame anyone... hearing those things from my past teachers telling me that I had the potential made me think that they might be saying that to every other kid...

sounds like self-pity I guess... I dunno what to call it... but yeah.. I am one of the world's disappointments... but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other people like me... people who had the potential but because of the lack of discipline wasn't able to live up to what people expected from them...

I think at the end of the day... it is one's discipline that matters.. no matter how intelligent a person is they will falter without discipline...

is it too late to have discipline? and how does one develop or get it? is it something which comes from within or something an external entity should impose?

I fucking need to get out of Economics and get into Philosophy

broken spatial scene

I need serious help... seriously...

on my own I can't seem to function properly.. especially when I have to deal with math subjects and the threat of doing summer classes..

math seems easy.. y'know.. there's just a huge gap in my brain which hinders me from solving equations...

or I dunno... I did well in my Physics during my senior year...

I dunno what the fuck is my problem.. really... like... I find it easy to solve mathematical problems which I can relate to in real life.. but put a set of fucking symbols in front of me and tell me to simplify that motherfucker... then I'd be fucking clueless...

the math I have trouble with is the math which doesn't seem to have any relevance in my life... like algebra and whatever fuck there is in my math book...

I wish I can go back to senior year and do more Physics.. at least that is something which makes sense.. something practical... but I'm doomed to do math until god knows when since I am an economics major... next year it will be calculus and some investment math or statistics or whatever... but at least investment math makes sense... statistics is better than algebra.. and calculus? err.. it has something to do with algebra.. but how bad could it possibly be? it has graphs and all..

although it also occurred to me that students study algebra not because of the (lack of) practicality...  but because it develops our ability to comply to rules.. which is in a structured environment (ie workplace) is ideal... because free spirited individuals are better off being entrepreneurs than rank and file...

although I think some, if not most, of my classmates are passing math because they help each other by sharing answers to quizzes and homeworks and exams... that's commendable.. seriously... its true that it develops teamwork.. an important skill in the workplace... but it also fosters an unethical work ethic...

that's why I was too lazy to copy assignments from others during the prelims... cause I had this notion that I must keep my integrity... but I got fucked and now I am forced to go against my belief... but oh well.. life is screwed up anyway... there is no point in living anymore

raba spit

a life of balance is doomed to be a boring one...

so I guess I should get used to how things which makes me very happy will eventually lead to an extremely harrowing situation which I should juggle with daily routine...

its that or I live a life in between everything.. no pain to experience and consequently, no memorable experiences which makes life worth living...

so I say I live a life of passions and hurt and not to stay in between... otherwise I'll be wasting years of my relatively short life... I don't want to waste time anymore... cause on the streets are so many possibilities to not be alone...

and I believe I'm ready... I've had my generous share of things not working out... and if failure does make us strong.. then I am ready...

but if its the will and determination to get out of such quagmire.. then I am in doubt... I either slyly get through things without working hard for it or I fail..

I need to start to work hard... otherwise the limited extent of my cunning will depend on the opportunities and luck which comes my way

growing up in apathy

I'd say growing up.. I was very distant to people... to family, friends, and people in between... rarely do I connect...

I was... no.. I still am an apathetic person...

although I'm not a fan of defining things anymore... since to define something is to limit it and human experiences are abstract... and using words to give abstract ideas form isn't probably the best way to give a definitive answer... given that words can only do so much... because if words were the best thing to give something shape or form.. then images and sounds and whatever shouldn't exist anymore... the definition of abstract ideas with words is not absolute...

therefore I must tell you that apathy does not define every dimension of me...

but yeah... apathy.. apathetic... whatever

a person of authority in our household just screamed at someone... I was watching a philosophical film while all the screaming was going on... I paused it... then I heard it was in vernacular.. so I just turned up the volume...

on the surface it looks like tolerance more than apathy.. but I think it goes hand in hand... like... tolerance requires a stimulus against your predetermined set of beliefs... because you can't tolerate something you like.. ergo.. to tolerate means you allow something to exist without you getting rid of it.. and to function normally when something you do not like is there, you must be able to not care to an extent... in a way... apathy is within tolerance...

although I might be wrong... cause everyone thinks they're right...

but yeah...

I do not care sometimes... or I don't want to care so it programs my mind to not really care at all... but the established idea is that I do not care...

cause the world is selfish.. really... most often than not we would rather read a blog entry about ourselves than about a college student's philosophy on whatever... people sometimes read the latter cause maybe they do not have the benefit of the former...

we settle with what we can... because economics practically says that everything in the world is limited... and most of the limited wealth is concentrated within the rich classes...

so yeah... I think society nowadays does a great job of being apathetic... I am not sure if its a conscious decision to not really care.. or the mass media has oriented our brains to think that we truly care... because if people truly cares then the situation wouldn't be as this bad..

I differentiate myself from others by being aware that I do not care...

I try not to give myself the illusion of caring.. because we care for the things that we know exists... and caring is never a two way thing... y'know.. like.. a kid in North Korea could not possibly care about the earthquake in Haiti...

so what about those which we know? let's say the earthquake in Haiti, the death of Michael Jackson, or my girlfriend?

I don't think one could truly care about the first two.. but the last one... yeah sure... its what the youth nowadays is good at...

so why can't you truly care about the earthquake in Haiti or Michael Jackson? sure.. you had an emotional connection with the event... but I believe our notion of "caring" ends there... cause you don't really know what is going on... the news you receive from mass media shouldn't be taken at truth... cause one can't be all too trusting on something...

and I don't want to speak

stop and go

it doesn't make sense.. ever.. at all...

like... when you're determined to achieve something... but then for some profound reason you suddenly lost the will to continue...

then you go back to your empty life... devoid of colors... devoid of things to look forward to..

cause when you keep on waiting for the longest time to just click a button... the chase loses its novelty... I can reinvent the wheel... and start the ball rolling.. but the risk isn't something I feel like I should take at this moment...

patience is the key... and I am not a locksmith

the opportunity is there I am aware... but the precautions I am not ready for...

back to happy pills again

happeh

I dunno... I've always had this notion that I am the happiest when I am in pursuit of something...

like... happiness itself is found in the pursuit of happiness..

and I end up feeling empty after attaining what I always wanted.. however hard I worked for it.. the fruits of my labor doesn't taste as sweet as it should be..

the process fulfills me rather than the end result... it sounds absurd.. yeah?

so I'm bound to a life of endless running... on and on to whatever makes sense to me... or what doesn't seem to make sense but has something which keeps me going...

is a life of fulfilling pursuit is better than a life of fulfilling attainments?

the things we go for in life generally makes us a better person in the process.. but the things we achieve in life gives us a sense of completeness.. is a better man better than a complete man?

but I guess I have to stop running after something eventually... for reasons I am not aware of yet.. I'll eventually settle down.. in the middle of the road which extends until my determination allows it to... maybe that is when I stop growing as a person.. when ambitions are low..

although I think I've deviated from what I was saying from the beginning.. I do not think I've become a better person... I think I remained the same person who never seems to learn...now matter what time imposes unto me... I never seem to learn...

so I keep on lying to myself that I am turning in to a better person all this time

comfort noon

I have to pass.. but apparently its difficult to do it when you find it hard to focus...

I walk down the hall... then suddenly my eyes shifts to her...

I see her looking...

I look away...

I walk away...

yes.. I do like her

yes.. I am younger

but no... I am no longer a child

the world has stopped being kind

so I must try...

try not to just fly..

but to stay and fight...

and bring her in my flight..

ang pag-nasa sa romansa

...sapagka't ako'y nanganganib sa grado at biglaan na lang naglaho ang aking mga pundasyon upang ako'y magkaroon ng magandang kinabukasan at maginhawang pamumuhay...

hindi ako naniniwalang ako'y nagbago... bagkos ang aking kinalulugaran ang iba na...

nakasalpak ako sa gitna ng ingay at polusyon ng Maynila.. di katulad ng katahimikan at sariwang hanging nanggagaling sa bundok ng Taytay..

subalit ako pa rin ang Kenneth na kilala ko nung hayskul... isang weirdong bata na nakikipagkaibigan lang sa mga intelektwal na nilalang... at isang studyanteng masipag sa unang parte ng taon at biglang tatamad sa kalagitnaan upang mapilitang pagsikapan ang makapasa...

call her blind imagery

we all have other passions...

apparently institutions such as schools tend to limit what we can be and dictate what we should be..

it seemed to have worked for the capitalists wanting us, the masses, to stay under their control... because being at the helm of everything means to keep things within controlled and desirable situations..

after being indoctrinated to the idea of us, the students, studying for the sake of a job or doing our passions to earn for a living is something I don't have qualms about...

I mean

everyone shouldn't be totally free... cause otherwise nobody would want to do hard labor for the capitalists which provide us with iPods, Nikes, and rice on the table...

and the foundation has been set for a world where in everyone is under the illusion of freedom...

yes there are better systems... there will always be something better..

but apparently, the people in power of the olden days were able to devise a scheme which ultimately benefit them and their ancestors.. and when I pertain to ancestors, those who are part of elite families...

to overthrow or to abolish such system requires an element of opposition.. the people...

I guess everyone is well aware that the elites constitute only a pretty small amount of the world's population.. the masses clearly have the upper hand when you look at it on a numbers standpoint... but unfortunately, it is not the case...

the elites clearly have the upper hand... they are protected by a system which shields them from those who are poorer than they are...

Marxist belief suggested that the working men are those who will overthrow the elites...

but I do not think so... anymore...

it has been thousands of years and history has proven that rarely or never did such idea happened... cause no matter what revolutions the masses stage... we are always under the power of something bigger than they just destroyed...

if indeed the working men have done that.. then why do working men still exist?

no I am not an advocate of a hopeless society... in this blog entry

but I believe that the element which will oppose and eventually destroy the elite are themselves...

it will be an explosion of epic proportions...

for the higher you get... the harder you fall down...

and if the masses were to make the elites fall... it will definitely not be a swift process.. things like those take time.. ergo if the masses were to destroy the elites... the process would be comparable to a degenerative disease

so if the elites were to destroy themselves... then how would it come to fruition?


..beats me... I do not hold a degree in Philosophy or Humanities

sleepwell

its pretty easy.. really...

I screwed it all up...

I screw everything up anyway... so I guess

but screw ups are remedied by fulfilling wants...

yeah... sure.. I'm happy... but I have to work on my grades first... I need to survive college before I start to think of hunting her..

not is... is is

I don't understand it... really...

y'know..

like...

how life is limited to the opportunities that are available to you..

or maybe I do understand the complexity of equality... and how it truly isn't possible... its just that... I don't want to accept it...

its dumb... really...

y'know..

like...

how the concept of beauty is presented to you... and you get sucked into it... believing that it is possible and that our efforts will eventually be rewarded

we are all victims I guess... of the same routine and of the same lies...

and to think otherwise seems so... unnecessary..

I mean... we are already by default docile and dumb... and to hurt ourselves with all the thinking seems... stupid... when we are already under the control of our desires..

we are already happy... don't you agree?

yeah sure.. your life may suck now... or it may not.. who knows... nobody ever reads this anyway... but my point is that generally we are okay with our lives.. we may have certain unfulfilled wants here or there but when you look at the grand scheme of things you are doing okay.. otherwise you'd be dead or not reading this because you're recording a suicide video or something...

I guess... maybe.. when life starts to lose its meaning at an early time of one's life... the time it takes to wither gets longer... and I guess it doesn't feel as painful if you look at it in perspective...

yeah.. sure... my eccentricity never appeals to anyone... even to myself I guess...

would it even be appropriate to define myself as an obscure philosopher? but wouldn't defining myself be tantamount to limiting my being? and thus I turn into this formulaic being following clockwork routine which basically wears me until I die...

but isn't limitation the essence of life? everything is bound by something... possibilities may be deemed as limitless... but I guess it all comes down to those who come up with the possibilities... if virtually everyone in the world would think of all the possibilities... wouldn't it make possibilities limited? because the ones who create possibilities are limited.. I'm pretty sure it will be infinite... but wouldn't infinity be limited to the set it defines? and thus the value may have no bounds but being in a set means it is bound by definition...

sorry... I am trying make sense... by arguing with myself... which doesn't make sense... especially if you do it in public... which doesn't seem to be public due to the lack of people reading this.. maybe I need to talk about those ladies more.. maybe I'd get more page views... everyone likes feeling that they are important...

cause it breaks us to be ignored

state of emergency

I am in deep shit... really really deep shit...

it may be superficial.. but it is still shitty...

but even if that's the case...

everything went as planned...

this semester have been very lackluster.. there are no professors which scares me enough to keep myself on my toes... I wasn't very motivated... yeah... fear motivates me..

since there was nothing to be afraid of... I devised a scheme to make myself think that there really is a threat...

so... I deliberately didn't study nor did I listen attentively to the professors...

end result.. me failing the preliminaries.... and now... I am afraid...

for one.. all of my classmates are doing well with their grades... some are doing well with math because they work hard enough to copy from each other... but I was too lazy to even bother copying..

I got a preliminary grade of 73 for my math.. that's a singko... and there are only 4 of us in class with a singko... namely me, Dwiht, Eddxer, and Airish... and all of our names get red underlines when I type here in multiply... anyway.. our professor's system of deriving the final grade is by getting 50% of the prelim and the final grades.. therefore I get 36.5 from my prelim grade.... for me to avoid a grade of 3... I need to get a grade of 85 or a 2.25 to pull my grade to 79... thus giving me a 2.75... not as pretty as a 2.5 but beggars can't be choosers...

as far as I know among the four of us who failed... I got the highest grade.. of 73.. whereas the three of them got 72 point something....

since Eddxer and Dwiht and I are seatmates... I've been planning for the three of us to work together to pull ourselves out of this predicament... cause I sympathize with the both of them... Eddxer is from Pangasinan and Dwiht is the class weirdo...

so yeah... math is pure teamwork...

I also failed Philippine Literature and Philippine Economic History... I'm just not sure with Philippine Government and Constitution, Logic, and English... but I definitely passed World History...

not to worry really... a failing prelim grade won't damage me as much... cause its the final grade which is important... and the effort I'll put in the final months would hopefully overpower my failures...

LET'S GET IT ON!

magnetic

roam antics

I guess its just me...

but I love the idea of the universe doing its magic to make certain things come to fruition...

although I'm not a logical being... so I'd rather believe that it wasn't coincidence...

so yeah... I've been mainstreamed.. and I don't wanna use my brain anymore cause its easier to wait until other people do it... but nobody really gives a shit if I am attracted to someone or not.. so I'm forced to do all the thinking by myself...

really... I don't understand... approaching a stranger to ask for directions is fairly easy... but approaching someone to ask for her name... becomes an arduous task for kids like me...

but I haven't distinguished who's the taller one... hopefully after wearing heels I wouldn't look smaller in comparison... otherwise I'd be forced to do more yoga...

its kinda difficult to handle things with the company of others... although I'd be pussy-fied if I'd have to wait for a moment alone...

this is me thinking...

there aren't many tall men.. most of them would've probably hooked up with others... but generally.. competition is negligible...

and not really doing anything at all...

cause if you really really want something you'd have to do a lot to get it... I didn't eat for months to get toys that I've been wanting to have... this time I need to drop this timid facade even just for a few minutes to ask her name...

just the name... cause I already know the face...

it really is difficult to not find any word to associate to an image... its like losing the ability to speak... its very frightening... not even a voice to hear... its like not being able to listen to beautiful music... it is really very frightening...

no... I doubt it... I cannot... I might not... cause it is the hopelessness of life which keeps me going...

fie end

I find solace in the certainty of losing things...

anhedonia hello...

but today could be one of the best days of the year...

although I didn't expect it to be this tiring... my feet hurt like hell... but the day was totally rewarding... it wasn't fun.. because work is never fun... but work is fulfilling..

I am bound by law to not disclose what I exactly did... but lets just say it had something to do with exploring manila.. seeing the beauty behind the pollution.. and humanizing the people you see on TV...

but yeah.. everything still feels empty... I found excitement.. which I was looking for... but it felt.. weird..

like.. within the whole space of solace there is a void which shouldn't be there...

or maybe.. if you look at as its intended design... to be incomplete.. then maybe there is no other choice but to look for something else... which works for me... I could live with the void.. but as long as they're at the places I couldn't care less...

and again I see how everyone of no matter how articulate they may be or how thick their make up is... they are as human as we all are...

sun king

lalo ko lang naramadaman ang kawalan ng direksyon ng buhay ko...

walang klase... at ang nagiisang klaseng pinasukan ko ay logic... kung saan ika'y absent pag late ka...

nagkaroon ng misang di ko pinuntahan sapagkat sinabi kong buddhist ako... kaya ako'y sumama sa mga mabisyo kong kaklase at pinanood sila mag bilyar... at nang bumalik kami sa klase ay nalaman naming walang prof...

nakita ko ang aking kras kasama ang mga babae habang papuntang p noval.. ako'y nag lunch mag isa sa mang tootz.. pumunta sa org room para makinig sa mga initsik na nag iintsik.. humiram ng libro tungkol sa fashion design sa library at umuwi...

nagluto ng dalawang extra hot spicy pancit canton... nanood ng dalawang episodes ng simpsons... natulog... nagising... at gumawa ng blog entry habang nakikinig sa mga musikang kinalakihan ko tulad ng rivermaya at sugarfree..

dapat sa mga ganitong pagkakataon ay ineenjoy ko ang libreng kong panahon eh... pero hinde eh... anhedonic nanaman ako...

I don't have frustrations to vent out anyway... I am pretty okay.. everything just feels bland in comparison to other things I've experienced before... I dunno... nothing ever feels sunny anymore..

even the sun doesn't feel sunny at all