tsinelas

ampanget ng pakiramdam ng kawalan ng direksyon...

tulad ng weekend pagkatapos ng exams...

di mo alam kung ano ang aasahan sa klase... o ewan... baka sadyang sawa na ko sa monotony ng pagiging college student... nung hayskul di naman ganito eh..

siguro di ko lang talaga minamaximize ang aking libreng panahon... may apat hanggang anim na oras lang ako sa klase... at ang natitirang limang oras ay ginagamit ko lang sa mga walang kwentang bagay tulad ng pagkompyuter.. ay di... apat na oras lang pala.. dahil mahigit isang oras ang commute pauwi...

kawalan ng direksyon...

kelangan ko ng pagkakaabalahan... parang araw-araw na lang half day ang iskwelahan... at sa mga ganung pagkakataaon bumibilis ang takbo ng oras... kapag walang pangyayaring espesyal.. kaya pakiramdam ko nasayang ang 2009 ko... pero kahit papaano eh maganda ang mga pangyayari sa mga unang buwan ng 2009... ngunit ang kabuuan ay isang pelikula ni Takeshi Kitano...

I need something to make this year worthwhile... because if I go through college like this, the rest of my life will have the same monotony...

I've been mainstreamed, I need a new bottle of shampoo, and my life is well wasted... but not in a good way

drumsticks

the real world really is different from high school...

yes.. a year later and I still think about it...

I dunno.. maybe its the lack of clean air to breathe in manila or whatever... but I seem to be living in an entirely different world...

oh well.. I guess I can't expect everyone else to become tolerant as I am...

but for crying out loud... why these people?!

some of the people in class are okay... some are great... some are just there to fill empty seats... and some are just... there to give me a bad day... thats why I normally keep a good distance away from the people in class... and also when I'm at a distance.. I am in a good position to observe them...

my classmates back in high school had their own circles... you'd see a group of people drift away from class during breaks.. yes there were divisions... but I'd still feel a sense of unity among the people...

but come college... the division is just... extremely prevalent...

one good example is the clique of girls in class.. arguably the biggest one... its like a third of the girls in class belong to the group... and they're like the typical girl group you'd see in hollywood films or something...

I don't have anything against them... I'm a tolerant piece of shit.. remember? but anyway.. they're doing their best to be accepted into society.. that is how I see it.. or maybe not the society at large but just to feel accepted.. cause it seems as though that they've formed their own state out to impose their sovereignty..

I dunno.. I don't think I ever saw a clique of girls of that magnitude in high school... yeah sure you'd see groups of women.. but its not as huge as a quarter of the class..

oh well... they always said that college classmates aren't as fun as the people in high school

but I think its the fault of the guidance counselors or whoever who keeps on pushing the idea that high school will be the best years of your life... their marketing strategy makes us seem to think that after high school life wouldn't be as fun or something... c'mon! it pretty much depends on the person if s/he'd have more fun during high school or college or whatever... don't tell us that high school will be the best.. let us find things out for ourselves... cause there isn't any definite formula which would work on people's lives...

or I dunno... maybe I'm wrong... but I'm pretty sure people out there definitely thinks that I am wrong... cause everybody else thinks that they're right... and yeah... I do not hold a PhD or even a master's degree... so yeah... I am dumb... do not believe me...

I am out to control your mind

color me timber

resentment...

no.. I seem to be at a better position to even care...

its almost too good of a position to even take anything seriously... even myself... seriously..

I dunno... suicide is such as beautiful proposition... but just like communism.. it only sounds good.. and that's it...

yet at this altitude I can still breathe... the lack of pressure keeps me afloat.. in my head... but even though I am on the peak of mount apo... there is still everest to conquer... and olympus mons... and it keeps getting higher and higher.. until you forget what you were doing in the first place...

and I'm fine being with the foot of the mountain.. where everybody else are... even though you may have had a huge achievement.. its still always lonely at the top...

but no.. I've asserted that I am not on the foot nor on the peak... I am high up above the skies... a spot where only few have dared to stop... because everyone else is climbing their way up.. too busy to stop in the middle of things.. and try to enjoy the view... of being above it all...

its always whats above you.. and never whats bellow.. it is no one's fault for we are humans.. and we were designed to go up...

we do not fall by choice... it is how nature is designed to exist with us... yeah sure.. some would rather put the blame on us for having the predicament of having predicaments.. but I'd rather think that it is what makes us human... the ability to be certain of uncertainty.. otherwise if we knew what was coming then might as well not live life... because you are aware of what is going to happen.. therefore you have lived out your life.. now die....

when we do hit rock bottom it is by design that we go up... unless we get crushed in the process of falling.. or we go into a cycle of falling and getting up and falling but with greater force pulling you down... if we do not fall into those quagmires.. our bones, muscles and will will grow harder, better, faster, stronger... yes oh yes.. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger..

and in the end... we either settle with the certainty and difficulties of hardwork.. over the uncertainty and wonders of luck..

then we die

royalty

I am not a firm believer of multiple personalities...

yeah sure.. we handle ourselves differently in different situations.. but that doesn't mean you have different egos functioning at different periods in time..

I came to that conclusion unscientifically when I compare my behavior in the International Students Association org room from how I act when I am with people I know well..

its like.. when I am with some of my friends.. I am this loud kid who blurts out randomness and mostly inappropriate commentaries on everyday events.. but when I sit there.. in the corner of the extremely cold org room.. full of black people and chinese people.. and me being the only pure blooded filipino... I turn into this silent, shy little boy who does nothing but listen to the conversations between people of different races but with an accent far more superior than mine...

or maybe when I am with a friend.. who is with someone or a bunch of people I do not know... I remain totally quiet... you'd never hear a single word from me... hell.. I can't even force out a single word from myself.. aside from short answers such as "yes" "no" and "I dunno"

but when I am in that state... become more... pensive or something.. like a zen thing or something... that is why I come up with blog entries..

I become quiet... cause I have no one to talk to.. and when I do not utter a single word.. my brain becomes full of thoughts and whatnot.. and it forms an incomprehensible cesspool of ideas.. I concretize it by writing blog entries..

so I have two extremely opposing behavior.. one is the obnoxiously loud prick who is highly sociable.. and the other is an eerily silent boy who could probably do well as a buddhist monk...

that doesn't mean I have multiple personalities.. because I think the word personality is an umbrella term of some sort which encompasses the different facets of one's totality as a being...

whatever..

as much as possible I try to make sense.. hopefully this time.. I do..

in the morning!

a day wasted is day well spent...

because life is too short for one to work on something great from the ground up...

but if you were able to do something great.. from scratch.. without any proponents... where is your life now?

I spent the whole day not studying... it is stupid.. I know.. but that's just being human.. being stupid! oh yes... we all are...

and also being human means to have regrets... which I will have tomorrow... when I cannot recall the answer to a certain question...

its kinda ironic really.. I know I will regret not studying for the exams.. but it seems as though that... I do not regret having any regrets... its like some infinite regression of some sort... like when you are in the middle of two mirrors.. and the mirror in front of you reflects the mirror behind you which in turn reflects the mirror reflecting the mirror it reflects..

the only way it can be possibly solved is by an external force affecting it.. like the curvature of the earth... or the improper alignment of the mirrors... although I it doesn't seem to be solved.. yeah sure the cycle seems to end.. but in reality, you are just ignoring the continuum of reflections...

yes.. physics bullcrap... I love physics.. just like how I love the idea of being a philosopher, basic economics, consumerist photography, and cheap street food...

I need an environment where I belong... a place intellectual enough to have weird nerdy conversations without getting in too deep or be taken seriously.. but stupid enough to find putting omega painkiller on the scrotum funny.. infinitely funny..

Leslie Feist is a good singer.. she can hit notes which puts me in a trance.. and an airy voice with enough sustain...

random shit.. whatever...

I'm getting fatter.. I gained 10 pounds.. I gained back the weight I lost from saving up money for my playstation...

2008 was the year of the playstation.. 2009 was the year of rock band... hmmm.. what will be my next big investment in 2010?

a certain thing called "friendships" might be a good investment this year.. let's see...

t back

I wanted to write something about the event I went to.. as soon as I got home that day.. but meh... I don't do things when I know it won't live up to my standards...

and when I say standards... I mean things that try to make sense but normally don't.. y'know.. its like.. I try to write things that I really really really really really want to make sense.. but I end up writing something extremely raw.. something that only people as deranged as I am could comprehend..

but whatever.. I'll save that thought for an entirely different and probably more significant entry...

last friday... yeah.. I think.. yeah.. last friday.. I went with a bunch of my classmates to Welcome Rotonda.. they had to do a project on Human Rights and whatever and being the wanna be filmmaker that I am.. I went with them with a camera...

it was a rally commemorating the mendiola massacre whatever.. I walked with them from Welcome Rotonda to Mendiola.. to cut the story I cannot tell in the proper chronological order short... it was definitely something... but as with every benign experiences I have, I realize certain things.. most of which would probably sound absurd...

activism on paper seems nice... but I don't think I am fit for it... for one, I have learned how to be immune to brainwashing after reading countless unreferenced wikipedia articles.. so mainstream media's brainwashing doesn't seem to work on me.. and the activist's pretty rhetoric doesn't work on me as well...

y'know.. its like.. I've lost the need to change the world.. or maybe I started to not care anymore..

even the care bears don't care..

they've been at it for years now... protest here.. protest there.. and most often than not.. they don't bring change at all..

the people in power have enough power to not care.. the youth of today have enough time on facebook (and not enough time for multiply TO READ MY BLOG) to not care.. as for me I realized that I am too small of a force to try to even make a difference...

or maybe, just like everyone else, I've been brainwashed as well...

the leftist activists I spoke with during the protest didn't seem to know anything about economics.. or the capitalist system.. OF COURSE.. its their enemy.. the opposing ideology.. SO WHY STUDY IT RIGHT?

I think Sun Tzu wrote something about that in his Art of War.. something about knowing your enemy and knowing yourself and whatever.. I do not think you can defeat anything you do not comprehend... its like passing a test you haven't studied.. forgive the poor analogies...

BUT YEAH

WHATEVER

I am not making sense AGAIN...

y'know.. I think it is only fitting to not take me seriously... not only what I say.. but me as an entity... I AM A FUCKING CRACKPOT! and not even the good crackpot who earn awards and stuff... I'm like the bored kid who has nothing better to do.. yeah it sounds emo..

whatever.. everything is raw here anyway...

IN THE MORNING!

teen age riot

saturday sunday...

at di ako nagaral...

I wouldn't dare ask what the fuck is wrong with me... cause I practically know..

but what I would really want to know is why can't I keep myself motivated... seriously...

instead of studying for my exams which I have a high probability of failing... I chose to sleep the whole afternoon off.. yes, I feel relatively better but my leg still hurts like hell...

I need... I have.. I will... will I? study

... I suddenly felt the need to extend this blog entry...

eating tons of polysaccharide and listening to iron maiden makes me feel better.. think better..

anyway...

yeah..

I feel directionless this semester.. totally directionless..

maybe because I don't have a professor who scares me.. or a subject difficult enough to keep me scared...

yeah.. maybe that's it... I am not scared enough... I've earned too much confidence.. its almost self destructive... I NEED TO BE AFRAID... hell.. even the idea of me failing doesn't scare me enough to study!

maybe because I have delusions of transferring to UP.. or to UT, Austin...

and instead of studying.. I am watching free form jazz drumming...

money billiards

hmmmmmm... kung si Manny Villar ang magtatapos ng ating kahirapan... or ng kahirapan ng mga batang kumakanta sa video niya na clearly di ako sakop ng kanilang strata.. baket pa niya kelangan maging presidente upang tapusin ang kanilang kahirapan?

at ibig sabihin ba nun ay ang mga mahihirap ay aasa na lang kay Villar?

pero teka.. wag nating kalimutan na ang matagal nang meme na ginagamit ni Villar sa kanyang pangangampanya ay ang "Sipag at Tiyaga"

case in point...

si Villar ay dating iskwater.. pano siya naging senador? Sipag at Tiyaga...

ang mga bata sa video niya mga iskwater.. paano sila aasenso? Manny Villar...

no... I am not a big fan of Manny Villar.. but being an economist (read: World Bank's mindless drone) I approve of his real estate activities.. it provides employment to some people.. and as far as I know he's the richest pure blooded filipino (because apparently the richest guy in the Philippines is chinese).. so yeah.. if I were to say something good about him.. that pretty much sums it all up...

lately ko lang napanood ang kanyang bagong campaign ad.. yung parang checklist niya...

isa sa mga items dun ay ang mga nabigyan niya ng trabaho... ang tanong ko lang sana ay... ang mga nabigyan ba niya ng trabaho ay pang long term at di lang contractual? at ang mga nagtrabaho para sa C5 road extension project ay kasama ba dun?

mga kaibigan, wala akong pinapanigang pulitika... in one way or the other, I admire some of their traits... but I wouldn't bash a candidate entirely... I also wouldn't also kiss their ass as well...

expect me to do more senseless criticisms on other candidates.. if I'm still alive by then

...of helpleness and poverty

yeah.. its an exaggeration...

but I just can't help but realize how poor I am in many other respects...

monetarily, yeah.. we're doing well than others.. but money isn't everything... although money puts you in the right path...

I spoke of higher powers in my previous blog entry.. and how I believe they are against my views... in this entry, it will be my parents who shall be considered as such...

being a kid, I am in no position to be financially independent.. and certain things are achieved with a wad of cash...

my parents are earning a lot.. relatively.. but earning a lot means nothing if you do not manage your money well.. I believe it is stupid to spend more on things which will be of short term value.. and I am aware that my parents are making the same mistake...

I have dreams.. I have talents which I want to be developed.. and I have wants that are superficial... but apparently my parents regard my wants as petty and thus easily ignorable..

yeah sure.. they have supported me in certain endeavors.. when I was a kid..

but I am a different person than I was.. or at least I have different interests..

my parents never bothered to actually explore the possibilities of my talents... yes, I am affirming the fact that I do have talents... and they go undeveloped without proper nurturing...

they would rather have me go to driving schools.. which I believe are of no use if you do have common sense and the will to learn... and a car.. and parents who are willing to let you drive the car...

I am 17.. and turning 18 this summer... is it too late to explore where my talents (or the talents which I want to develop) will take me?

yes, we do live in an impoverished country with impoverished people... and opportunities are for the select few... am I afraid that I am one of the impoverished people.. doomed to live a life of mediocrity bordering worthlessness...

musings of a directionless boy

a year later... and I am stuck here in my room full of books I will never read...

behind me is a long desk full of things that ought to be put in the rubbish bin...

and in front is a friend who has kept me shackled...

...so what now?

anyway...

lately I've been having a bad time with my classmates... or at least with the natives among my classmates.. I've never had problems with people of different race...

yes, I know... I am not with the proper crowd... but I am forced to be in this predicament...

but I'll learn how to deal with it... or maybe I already know how to...

all I'm waiting for is my sophomore year.. so the kids whom I am not in good terms with will be transferring elsewhere..

I guess its all about the people you spend time with... and lately I've been spending time with the wrong people.. ergo, I have to go elsewhere and meet new people.. and when things don't work out as I wanted it to be... then do it again and again and again... ideally, that would be the plan... because in the middle of things I turn out to be an ass... so I have to go to other people who are not aware of my inherently bad attitude..

its like a renewal of some sort

I need to go through a cycle of renewal because like a mentally ill person (according to the DSM-IV)... I can't maintain lasting relationships..

unless the other party tries to work things out...

I mean... I don't think there is anyone who can handle me.. not that I'm saying that I'm wild or liberated... but I have yet to meet a person who can tolerate me, distinguish my sarcasm, and can read the meaning behind my actions...

no, I am not willing to compromise... I will either live happy or sad... either which way I am going to be screwed because every effort I put into living will ultimately be meaningless unless I become part of the history books...

long live multiply! and death to the faddists!

people attack

I don't think it feels right when people share their life stories to me... not a fan... really

well sure... I listen... I just can't empathize.. but I at least know when someone is lying... I just know...

listening to other people's life stories make my life miserably boring.. maybe that's another reason why I don't enjoy those things.. well sure.. I am well aware that I live a boring life.. but listening to other life stories makes it worse...

or maybe I'm just spending too much time with people who have interesting life stories? or maybe I just can't see how interesting my life is? I dunno... life is full of questions.. most of which are unanswerable... so why bother asking questions?

lets face it.. the higher powers will always be in control.. and the more you ask questions.. the more they'll limit your actions.. and at the end of the day... when you finally get into a position where in you are considered as a higher power... you become what you used to hate.. and now those whom you used to be now hate you... it is a cycle... it is possible to break it.. but at the expense of you being in the same position throughout your life...then you lose the ability to choose which path your life will take... because you will remain in the path where you have always been.. afraid to take another path which will go against the path you are in...

I don't want to think too much.. but there is no point in stopping it.. either I become stupid and happy and docile.. or remain troubled with my questions and ridiculing those who do not dare ask... and when I try to become happy... I become stupid.. and I become what I look down on...

...but who cares? at least I'm happy..

oh wait... I care

void

again... life feels... empty...

maybe I'm listening to too much Nowhere Man... yeah.. I guess so...

I'm not a nowhere man... but most often than not... I see myself as such...

its all about perception... especially when voids exist and you try to expand space and time to make something occupy it... the universe is for me.. earth isn't...

it has always been like this... I rarely feel fulfilled... almost never... maybe because my dreams of great things will never be possible.. even though I am capable of doing so...

the world will never do my bidding... never does to anyone... that is why I shall continue to destroy it... and yeah... they've always said that "you cannot give what you do not have"

...apparently I have enough to be destructive... because we are all correct... you only start to become wrong when you cannot assert yourself... it is survival of the fittest out there... let the hungry and homeless die.. learn to stand on your two feet.. and learn how to walk on all fours... which will eventually make you a stronger person...

DEATH TO EVERYONE!

complete starboard

ayaw ko talaga pumasok bukas...

gusto ko na lang maging tambay habambuhay...

or hanggang di na ko suportahan ng aking magulang...

sobrang walang kwentang itong linggo ko... puta... mag-simba ba naman kasi?! hello?! tatapusin mo ang bakasyon mo sa isang relihiyosong ritwal?

ansama ko naman... pero hello? relihiyon?! lalo na ang katolisismo?

parang... ang nangyayari sa katolisismo ay mas nagiging tungkol sa mga ritwal at sa mga mala-pantasyang nangyari kay hesus sa biblya.. at di na tungkol sa mga itinuro niya at sa mga values na dapat isabuhay ng isang katoliko...

ano ba naman kasing relihiyon ang sinesermunan ang mga deboto linggo linggo? ayos na sana yung isang sermon tungkol sa isang spesipikong moral defect.. pero di eh.. uulit-ulitin yan taon taon dahil ang sermon na yan ay base sa biblya.. at di naman gumagawa ng bagong chapters ang biblya ngayon.. nagiiba lang sa paraan ng pag-tuligsa sa ating mga pagkukulang...

nairita lang ako sa sermon ng pari... oo.. naniniwala naman ako na may tama siya.. at naniniwala rin akong may tama siya... dahil.. maging judgemental ba naman.. baket daw ang mga studyante inaantok sa klase.. pero gising na gising pag nasa kompyuter shop... ganyan ba ang herald ni kristo? isang mapanuligsang figurehead? oo na nga.. santo ka na para pagsabihan ang mga naniniwala sa diyos mo gamit ang mga hinde nabeberipikang impormasyon!

at isa pa sa mga kinaiinisan ko... ay kung paano tayo dine-demean ng mga pari sa buong buhay natin... okay.. sabihin na nating nagsisimba ako linggo linggo.. at bawat linggo na lang sinesermunan ako.. di ba parang.. ipinamumuka ng mga pari na tayo'y panghabambuhay na may sira? oo nga naman.. walang perpektong nilalang.. subalit maari naman nating pilitin maging perpekto.. dahil ba porque di ka pwedeng maging perpekto ay mabubuhay ka ng di mo inaayos ang iyong pagkukulang?

anyway.. imbes na tulungan tayo ng ating relihiyon.. na katolisismo.. ay tayo'y tinatapakan sa pamamagitan ng pagsabi sa atin linggo linggo na tayo'y may depekto..

kaya ako'y napapalihis sa paniniwala ni Sidharta Gautama..

pero hinde ko naman kelangan ma-affiliate sa isang relihiyon upang maging mabuting tao... basta't mahalin ko lang ang aking kapwa.. ng walang diskriminasyon...

kung tutuusin nga eh.. mas mainam na wala akong panigang relihiyon.. dahil pag sinabi kong ako'y isang hudyo o katoloiko sa mga ibang parte ng middle east.. ako'y maaring paslangin..

at minsan rin ay.. tila ba.. ang ibang tao ay gumagawa ng mabuti dahil sa relihiyon.. sapagkat sila'y maliligtas kapag sila'y gumawa ng mabuti... kelangan pa ba ng pangakong ganun para lang gumawa ng mabuti?

oo... china-channel ko ang mga pari.. at sinesermunan ko kayo...

pero sana man lang... mas tingnan natin ang mga mabubuting aral na nais ng Diyos na isabuhay natin.. wag ang guilt na iniimpose sa atin sa pamamagitan ng pagpapakita ng Kristong nakapako sa krus...

I AM THE WARLUS GOO GOO G'JOOB!!

incomplete starboard

ayaw ko pang pumasok...

pero boring naman ang buhay sa bahay...

kala ko kasi sa 6 pa pasok namin.. pero sa lunes na pala.. everything now feels like sunday...

anyway

I was supposed to do an entry on a list on why 2009 should be memorable.. but... meh.. I got bored in the middle of it.. and decided to put it in my drafts.. maybe I'll finish it during the summer.. whatever...

ayaw ko pa pumasok kasi... di ako handa... hinde ko alam kung may assignment.. hinde ko alam kung kelan deadline nung presentation.. hinde ko alam kung ano mangyayari.. yun siguro yung major fear ko talaga... uncertainty... pero keber pa rin saken ang maging experimental.. dahil alam ko naman controlled ang mga outcome.. pero sa ganitong posisyon.. kung saan maraming posibleng mangyari.. at hinde ko kayang paghandaan ang bawat circumstance... dun na ko natatakot...

at gusto ko pa makapiling ang aking pinsan mula sa australia.. dahil baka magkaroon ulet siya ng panibagong adventure... siguro pag ganun ang mangyayari... aabsent na lang ako.. tutal.. simula pa lang ng taon..

ano kaya ginagawa ng mga prof matapos ang mga mahahabang breaks?

mukang eepal siguro logic prof ko... ganun naman yun lagi eh... pero yung iba.. di ko alam...

shit.. may math pala kami... di naman mahirap math eh.. di ko lang talaga alam gagawin ko... pero kung alam ko lang yun.. madaling madali siya.. simple...

kaya mas nadadalian ako sa ibang subjects eh.. kasi simple lang ang formula.. alalahanin ang tinuro ng prof...

pero siyempre.. iba pa ring degree ang critical thinking.. kung saan ikaw ang nagtatanong.. imbes na ikaw ang sumasagot..

di ko lang alam kung pano nadedevelop ang critical thinking ng isang tao.. or kung sadyang meron ka nun o wala.. nature vs nurture ba...

I AM THE EGO MAN GOO GOO G'JOOB!!

new year celebrations

always suck...

for me at least...

cause there'll always be something or someone to ruin it one way or another...

but yeah.. I can't seem to remember a new year's celebration which didn't suck.. its like.. all of the sudden... everyone starts becoming an ass to Kenneth.. ONLY

'slike.. they always get the fat off from Kenneth's steak.. they always make Kenneth do things that will eventually piss them off.. they always see to it that the whole family is complete when watching fireworks.. and by complete.. what I meant was them minus Kenneth...

I don't think I'm getting too emo and stuff.. its not like I'm exaggerating things.. well.. maybe a little bit.. but who the fuck even reads this...

so yeah.. I'm going to even out the playing field by...

1. turning off the light in my room... because there is some superstition I think about the lights and the new year and stuff...

2. removing one of the wall clock's battery... because again.. there is some superstition about all of the clocks having to work in the household during the new years...

3. by wearing purple... cause everyone else is wearing red...

4. and by eating ahead of everyone else...

5. by putting all of the worcestershire sauce on my plate so they won't have any on their steaks

6. ...and BY NOT TALKING TO THEM OR GREETING THEM A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

hooray for minuscule rebellions! haha... all is well folks.. at least you don't act like assholes towards me.. y'know why?

...because something can't be if that something isn't an entity at all