3 minutes... my entire morning got ruined by 3 minutes.
but there's always that comforting adage that god always has a plan. great news.
i feel like a player in nba 2k with a snowflake icon. i've been having a series of poor decisions that i am losing momentum. i missed out on making a mark on someone i'm trying to impress. but i guess now's not the time, because that isn't what god has planned.
our car had a bit of a malfunction thanks to human error, that's always comforting. i only find justice in the person who caused the malfunction feeling bad the whole day. cause i am both vindictive and lazy to get back. i had to spend almost a day's worth of salary just to get to my job. but i guess today's not the day to turn in a profit, because that isn't what god has planned.
before fixing up my morning matcha, an infuriated client got to the office, i bore the brunt of his anger for having to deal with the infuriating bureaucracy of our government. had to say sorry in behalf of everyone who has done their fault to this guy that i didn't even know. but jesus died for our sins even if he barely knew us, so a couple of thousand years later to a random stranger like me, i guess this is what god has planned.
i'm in the office and i've gotten a hold of my daily planner, which has been turning out to be the thousand peso farce this year cause i almost never follow all of the things i write, but it helps when i need to remember where i was on certain days. it becomes less of a tool for directing my life, but more for seeing how directionless it was. but with the 5 hours i have left in the office, i have to at least make a conscious effort to make it count. because that is what i have planned.
and that is what i aim to do.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Friday, August 18, 2017
spotholes
i struggle with the "here and now" because my "here and now" doesn't seem to be worth living.
this is, in fact, a grossly inaccurate estimation of the value of my life, because i'm pretty certain a vast majority of people in the world would want to live my life be it for economic, health, or social reasons. we have a lot to be grateful for with the lives we live, but somehow after the struggle stops becoming real, we try to fabricate conflicts that give us a sense of duty to work towards.
i think all we truly need is the feeling of being useful.
it's not like we decide when are we useful, it is dependent on the problem we are addressing. we can find instances where we can be useful, yeah, but we're not always the right fit to do the job. we will always have holes in our skill sets that prevent us from making a real impact.
that's the problem with the nature of work that i do, where i do everything, but i'm not good at everything, so there will be instances where i feel like shit, and i compensate by looking for things that make me feel like i have a purpose.
this is, in fact, a grossly inaccurate estimation of the value of my life, because i'm pretty certain a vast majority of people in the world would want to live my life be it for economic, health, or social reasons. we have a lot to be grateful for with the lives we live, but somehow after the struggle stops becoming real, we try to fabricate conflicts that give us a sense of duty to work towards.
i think all we truly need is the feeling of being useful.
it's not like we decide when are we useful, it is dependent on the problem we are addressing. we can find instances where we can be useful, yeah, but we're not always the right fit to do the job. we will always have holes in our skill sets that prevent us from making a real impact.
that's the problem with the nature of work that i do, where i do everything, but i'm not good at everything, so there will be instances where i feel like shit, and i compensate by looking for things that make me feel like i have a purpose.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
pepera
do what you can to make the present better.
for the past couple of years being stuck in an office desk as an employee, i've spent majority of my unproductive time online window shopping and researching things i can spend money on to make my life better. it's pretty therapeutic and gives a sense of solution to my otherwise problemless situation.
it becomes a vicious cycle of buying, being satisfied, wanting more, and buying again. it tricks my brain into thinking that i'm solving my constant need for new. it becomes a practice of endless consumerism, that while it covers some holes, but it never really solves deeply rooted issues. it makes you look onward to future "solutions", but it blinds to you the needs of today.
for the past couple of years, i've had more money than i ever had that if my student self had this much access to money, i'd be more resolved as a human being. but that isn't the case, i feel like more money is just a precursor to more possibilities, and that includes experiences, triumphs and turmoils.
more money won't solve my problems.
maybe i fail to address the current issues i face by focusing instead on solvable problems by spending money. i need to do a review of my life and set my priorities straight. real problems require real solutions, and i don't think money provides real resolution, making time, putting in the effort, and perhaps dropping what's unnecessary.
for the past couple of years being stuck in an office desk as an employee, i've spent majority of my unproductive time online window shopping and researching things i can spend money on to make my life better. it's pretty therapeutic and gives a sense of solution to my otherwise problemless situation.
it becomes a vicious cycle of buying, being satisfied, wanting more, and buying again. it tricks my brain into thinking that i'm solving my constant need for new. it becomes a practice of endless consumerism, that while it covers some holes, but it never really solves deeply rooted issues. it makes you look onward to future "solutions", but it blinds to you the needs of today.
for the past couple of years, i've had more money than i ever had that if my student self had this much access to money, i'd be more resolved as a human being. but that isn't the case, i feel like more money is just a precursor to more possibilities, and that includes experiences, triumphs and turmoils.
more money won't solve my problems.
maybe i fail to address the current issues i face by focusing instead on solvable problems by spending money. i need to do a review of my life and set my priorities straight. real problems require real solutions, and i don't think money provides real resolution, making time, putting in the effort, and perhaps dropping what's unnecessary.
Friday, February 10, 2017
tumble crumble
it gets worse when you actually get in touch with your emotions.
for the past year, i've been depriving myself of feeling any emotions. it's convenient to function like a machine - you don't get disappointed, your life doesn't get disrupted, everything is smooth sailing. but somehow everyone around me are devoid of any humanity whatsoever. it's okay when i'm the only one not showing any heart, but when its others, it becomes problematic.
when your social links become unchained, you need to forge new ones.
i'm desperately rekindling any signs of social life. unfortunately the people around me are less reliable than the flipears custom earphones i reviewed on this blog. thankfully, i'm a somewhat self-sustaining individual. every single day, i try to prove that man can, to a degree, be an island.
this honesty is me being in touch with the feelings i've neglected for the longest time.
i'm ready to face the music. bring your worst.
for the past year, i've been depriving myself of feeling any emotions. it's convenient to function like a machine - you don't get disappointed, your life doesn't get disrupted, everything is smooth sailing. but somehow everyone around me are devoid of any humanity whatsoever. it's okay when i'm the only one not showing any heart, but when its others, it becomes problematic.
when your social links become unchained, you need to forge new ones.
i'm desperately rekindling any signs of social life. unfortunately the people around me are less reliable than the flipears custom earphones i reviewed on this blog. thankfully, i'm a somewhat self-sustaining individual. every single day, i try to prove that man can, to a degree, be an island.
this honesty is me being in touch with the feelings i've neglected for the longest time.
i'm ready to face the music. bring your worst.
Thursday, February 09, 2017
bilats
large groups scare me.
unless required, i don't speak up in group meetings. for the most part, the people i've met with speak just for the purpose of enhancing their brand. as far as adding to the conversation, the core of their message becomes diluted with fancy words, seemingly endearing anecdotes, and just an overall show of supremacy over the group.
my crippling social apprehensions gets the better of me.
i do however work much better in more intimate settings. it gets easier for me to talk to the person on a personal level, break down their barriers, and truly get my message through them. in instances where work truly must be done, i believe it works better, but when you have to look good, i just don't have it in me to fool an entire room of 50 people.
i do however feel like i fool people on a regular basis with my knowledge and competence.
unless required, i don't speak up in group meetings. for the most part, the people i've met with speak just for the purpose of enhancing their brand. as far as adding to the conversation, the core of their message becomes diluted with fancy words, seemingly endearing anecdotes, and just an overall show of supremacy over the group.
my crippling social apprehensions gets the better of me.
i do however work much better in more intimate settings. it gets easier for me to talk to the person on a personal level, break down their barriers, and truly get my message through them. in instances where work truly must be done, i believe it works better, but when you have to look good, i just don't have it in me to fool an entire room of 50 people.
i do however feel like i fool people on a regular basis with my knowledge and competence.
Thursday, February 02, 2017
stillness
i've always been a poser believer of zen.
there's something about letting go and letting things flow that attracts me. maybe it's me coming to terms that i cannot control everything and that zen empowers me to find comfort in not being in power. maybe it's something less pretentious than that.
maybe i just want to choose a narrative that i'm cool and all.
living in metro manila means sitting in traffic for hours on a daily basis. hours enough to finish a movie, hours enough to finish at least a quarter or half of a season of a tv show, hours enough to listen to an entire discography of a millennial musician. if there's any scenario that would best test the calming stillness being preached by zen buddhism, it's being stuck in traffic.
you have to tune out the constant bombardment of brake lights flashing, shrill laugh tracks played by overly flamboyant radio djs, or the constant crowdedness of almost every square inch of this mega city. you have to not think of the hours you're wasting on the road, the moments you're missing out on, or the accomplishments that you're failing to work towards.
i can only imagine the inner peace that one could achieve.
god knows i've always been at war with myself.
there's something about letting go and letting things flow that attracts me. maybe it's me coming to terms that i cannot control everything and that zen empowers me to find comfort in not being in power. maybe it's something less pretentious than that.
maybe i just want to choose a narrative that i'm cool and all.
living in metro manila means sitting in traffic for hours on a daily basis. hours enough to finish a movie, hours enough to finish at least a quarter or half of a season of a tv show, hours enough to listen to an entire discography of a millennial musician. if there's any scenario that would best test the calming stillness being preached by zen buddhism, it's being stuck in traffic.
you have to tune out the constant bombardment of brake lights flashing, shrill laugh tracks played by overly flamboyant radio djs, or the constant crowdedness of almost every square inch of this mega city. you have to not think of the hours you're wasting on the road, the moments you're missing out on, or the accomplishments that you're failing to work towards.
i can only imagine the inner peace that one could achieve.
god knows i've always been at war with myself.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
45 of 84
i think it's about time to finally release an official statement
time is a fixed construct. for something that constantly changes, it's something that has always remained in place. much like how humans remain to be what they are, but differ in who they are, and who they become.
almost a year detached from my relationship, it has finally occurred to me to pick up the proverbial pieces of what was left of me. there weren't a lot to pick up. for the most part, i've always reserved a part of myself to stay intact when it all breaks down. that is not how love works. clearly, i have no business being a lover.
eventually i learned to recognize my limitations.
man is a very inconsistent being. my statements from a decade ago in this blog won't necessarily be true today, but that doesn't mean that i lied. it just so happens that there are certain truths in certain periods of time and we eventually grow out from what we used to believe in, and we become entirely different people. it gets to a point where resuscitating the person who promised endless possibilities becomes an encumbrance. and when you're turning into a square peg, it doesn't make sense to try to fit into a round hole.
almost a year detached from my relationship, when anyone asks why, i finally have an answer:
"we grew apart"
time is a fixed construct. for something that constantly changes, it's something that has always remained in place. much like how humans remain to be what they are, but differ in who they are, and who they become.
almost a year detached from my relationship, it has finally occurred to me to pick up the proverbial pieces of what was left of me. there weren't a lot to pick up. for the most part, i've always reserved a part of myself to stay intact when it all breaks down. that is not how love works. clearly, i have no business being a lover.
eventually i learned to recognize my limitations.
man is a very inconsistent being. my statements from a decade ago in this blog won't necessarily be true today, but that doesn't mean that i lied. it just so happens that there are certain truths in certain periods of time and we eventually grow out from what we used to believe in, and we become entirely different people. it gets to a point where resuscitating the person who promised endless possibilities becomes an encumbrance. and when you're turning into a square peg, it doesn't make sense to try to fit into a round hole.
almost a year detached from my relationship, when anyone asks why, i finally have an answer:
"we grew apart"
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