punching above my weight

I'm a relatively attractive person... I have facts to prove it. no, really, I'd like to think that I'm, in some degree, attractive. but somehow, I seem to notice that I tend to attract women which are of a higher socioeconomic strata than I am.

so what? am I some guy which affluent women flock on to? I am not THAT attractive. my charm lies in... well... I really don't know specifically... that's actually a mystery I've yet to crack... which... I....well...

anyway, going back, I seem to notice that, yes, for some reason, I seem to cater to some women who have a bigger net worth than I do. not that I am bragging, despite the fact that I might seem to be doing so, but my point is: in the dynamic of the man being the provider in a relationship, how could I possibly "provide" when the woman could actually provide for the both of us without having to lift a finger? it's probably an issue of pride more than anything, I suppose. part of me sees how much of a pussy I'd be if the girl provided for the both of us, so what would I be? some kind of.... I dunno. how do guys treat women if they're the providers?

but in reality, women who provide for the man is rare. though I'd like to be involved in such a dynamic, provided how lazy I am, I just can't... otherwise, I'd end up growing old single. not unless maybe there's a desperate woman in her 50s looking for a companion until she dies, but if given the chance to hook up with someone like that, I'd politely decline cause, though I may be the type of person who does not wants everybody happy and not hurt any feelings, I just can't be lured into a relationship where I can get all the money I want.

it may sound out of character for me, but I've reached a point in my life that I am less about the money and more about the intangibles. is it maturity? have I realized already that money does not buy happiness? is it me being inundated with the crap of consumerism? is it me reading too much buddhist or hindu doctrines? I can't tell for certain, but what I do know is that money does not concern me as much as it used to...

and would probably be the reason why I won't make a good "provider" in a relationship, not unless I hook up with a hippie or a woman below my socioeconomic strata or if I hook up with such a wonderful woman who doesn't care about money and consider spending time with me is worth more than anything... but then again, that cheesy bullcrap does not exist for so long. sooner or later, reality will hit us all and break our heart-shaped glasses...

...because idealism can only get you so far until the world eats you up unless you face facts.

realizing my value

I've been in a funk for the past couple of days... weeks? month? I dunno. I've gone as far as claiming that I've lost my reason to live. well it may be true to an extent, but that shouldn't stop me from returning to my prime form and start being me again.

for the past couple of years, I've had the momentum. a girl came into my life, she was an unreachable star, I made myself better in order to become worth to that "star", someone took her away without as long as a build up as I did, and made me a very sad panda. but that does not matter anymore because if you take the latter part of the story and stopped at me being better, I can tread a different path... the path to pseudo-enlightenment.

it has been my duty as an obsessive stalker to really turn into someone worth her time. along the way, I won some hearts; hearts which I cannot claim for I've set my eyes on a different prize. but hey, not all things go your way and you'll sometimes have to take a U turn. my stock's gone up, I am a better person, I have done things that my high school self could only wish he could achieve. I stopped becoming a loser and started becoming a winner. I am a winner! yes! I AM A WINNER! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

and no, I did not ctrl+c ctrl+v that thing

it's time that I look at myself and not at my loss and see how good of a person I really am. at this point, I'd like to think that I am worth almost anyone's time. my doucheyness and weirdness show up sporadically unlike back then when I live, breathe, eat weird shit... no wait, that didn't sound right... I eat normal things, and breathe normal air... I'm just... weird at times... well you probably get the point.

and that, ladies and gentlemen or whoever happens to be reading this, is one of those instances where my weirdness come out of nowhere. I actually intended for that sentiment to really hold ground, but I rarely filter what I say, which would be apparent in my countless grammatical and typographical errors.

my point: I am a guy worth anybody's time. I'd have my pros and cons, just like everybody else, but it won't be debilitating, I guess? sometimes, I would doubt my value, like right now, but most of the time, I know what I'm worth and I am not a loser!

or at least that's what I tell myself...

I wouldn't believe you...

if you told past me, the things I've been through for the past year, past me would never believe you.

I've been around some crazy things in the past year that I never thought would ever happen to a schmuck like me. who am I really? what am I? I like a very sedentary lifestyle, boring kid, life revolves around the computer and games. one of your generic lame kids.

I am in no ways generic, I guess, I fit well into the spectrum of creepy/weird people. I've managed to work on charisma a bit. I try to project a more likeable aura than being antisocial and stuff, that probably helped me into becoming the person I am right now. apparently, the person I am right now got me the opportunities and instances where I never thought possible for me.

though I never looked into the future and possibilities that much, it's probably more of like "my past self would never believe you" kind of disbelief. cause really, the things I've gone through, the people I've met, the opportunities I've had... it seemed to me that I was the right guy at the right time in the wrong moment that probably made it into the beautiful accident that the past year turned out to be.

I do live for the unexpected. I like how my life is full of surprises. maybe if I went outside the house, things would turn out better, but I dunno. I don't want to force it, I want life to play out on its own and see where it takes me. sit back, relax, and if that internship does not work out, I always have plan B.

always.

seriously though, where is my mind?

season's over, I have no raison d'etre again.

I had countless chances, I could've taken off with her, but I blew it cause I waited too long. funny how way back then, I had no patience to wait for someone I used to like... and not I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I am never the guy that know how to do things in moderation.

but ah well, no point in sulking, screw ups happen and you learn how to live with it. this beats premarital pregnancy by a long shot anyway, so in some ways, I haven't totally lost.

it's not easy though, one does not simply get over the loss of someone whom you've been enamored with for the past couple of years. back in high school, when I first learned the word "unrequited", I used it like crazy, on things which I thought were so major for me, but nah, I'm at a point in my life where I learn the true meaning of "unrequited" and I learned it the hard way.

I've invested so much time for her, not her directly, but the idea of "her". so how does that work? I look at the takeaway. was the past 3 years a waste of time? I don't think so. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, she made me into a better person. it's funny to admit though, that the person that made me better than I had ever been was the one whom I never had the chance to actually meet and talk to...

...come to think of it, that seems much like a celebrity or a notable figure to idolize. except I didn't want to be her, I wanted to be WITH her.

wanting is one thing, actually putting in the effort to really make that dream into reality is something different altogether. something which I failed to achieve. but ah well, failures.

you just don't expect everything in life to work out the way you thought it would or you'd even want it to be... again, where is my mind?