cynical forte

you never wake up the cynic in me, you just don't

i just start losing all humanity at that point and people become mere objects, easily replaceable, their worth finite. it's especially bad for important relationships in your life. it's fine if they will never know how horrifyingly detached your perspective is.

love devovles to a ticking time bomb, friendships become business deals, and charity becomes a vice. but i'm merely coming from a place of hatred towards disingenuousness. i love you now, but i'm sorry, someday i won't. i will hate your guts for every little to big mistake that compounds through the entire time we're together. and i would want you out of my life.

but while i still love you, let's make the most of it.

ultimate minimalism

the less you have, the less you worry

while there are multitudes of variables in people's lives, a universal commonality is that we all have the same amount of time in a day. some have more days than others, but as long as you survive one, we all get 24 hours.

a lot can be made with the time we have per day. the more we have to do things with, the higher the likelihood that we'll feel we've made the most of our time. it may also risk being a clusterfuck that your brain has to juggle a lot of things, perhaps more than it can possibly handle.

since having more money than my college self could imagine, if gotten a bit burned out with having a lot of the things i wanted, but not having the time for them. that's why i've been trying to a adopt a lifestyle of minimalism rooted on a likely incorrect understanding of the buddhist path to nirvana.

because i feel like i haven't been getting enough time in my life despite having the same 24 hours per day as my past self had. so I decided on prioritizing the feeling of having a lot more time on my hands. and the first step of achieving that is by learning contentment.

now the second step, that i've yet to figure out.

path of less resistance

my circadian rhythm will never allow me to ever find another lover

i have to call it quits this time around. my life isn't designed for any human being to be part of it. it has to be a massive sacrifice for either me or the other for it to fit. a balance may be possible, yeah, but with the right person.

my 2018 february will forever be known as the month where i had the least amount of sleep. but it was the best for my personal life - unfortunately at the cost of my career. and i can't afford to live that way.

something has got to give - and that something is me.

replaceable parts

i've always held the belief that i'm replaceable - no matter how special anyone makes me feel.

there's always that looming fear that other people are better at the things that i can do, and that those people can easily just swoop in and render me obsolete. that's what drives me to work harder. but there doesn't seem to be an end. being on top is not absolute, but being left behind perennial.

that's why i've resigned to the idea that i will have to be comfortably suffering in the swing of things. but that doesn't mean i'm giving up on life.

it just means i'm preparing to disappear.

i'm only what i see sometimes

you grow old and learn to adopt a degree of cynicism to survive

it's not that i've given up on what is good in the world, it's just that you get to know the people around you and understand their motivations. it may also be just me projecting my thought process to my world in an attempt to not feel alone because "at least, everyone else is doing it"

to most people, my views on what are usually good things like love, charity, and passion projects, can be sickening. but really my opinion is shaped by humans themselves. there will always be a façade of politeness because that how society works, but at our core we are way worse than we're willing to admit. we can convince ourselves otherwise, which works when you have a persona to maintain because, indeed, "perception is reality"

my bleak perspective doesn't necessarily mean an unwillingness to live happily. in fact, it's the opposite, it even helps me live happier. you learn to identify the things you have to let go and not get too invested in, you learn to not waste your efforts in trying to get a hold things that are beyond your control, you learn to be practical about how you will go about with daily decisions.

yes it's tough, it takes discipline, and most importantly, it's something you will have to keep on doing until you die.

but when you keep at it - life will be worth living.

26

there's something so vapid about birthday greetings.

it's mostly from people you don't really care about, and when you get greetings from people you truly care about, it's either from people you hate, or people you actually want in your life. unfortunately, there is a horrendously small percentage of birthday greetings that I actually appreciate.

i wish my birthdays would be like ordinary days. but they're really not. they're worse days because I have to waddle through politely interacting with people more than usual - despite having at least a couple of offenses against them in the past.

in an ideal world, all of my human relationships would be superficial and limited. cause really, i'm only as good as what i can offer to the person. do i make funny jokes? good, then let me tell you some jokes - nothing more. do i deliver well on a particular request? good, then let me do that for you - nothing more. do i make a great confidant? good, then let me listen to whatever it is you're comfortable disclosing - nothing more.

my relationships with other people turn sour the moment i fail. while there's a case to be made for endearing failures and it may be fine for you, it's not for me. i don't like the looming stress of constantly remembering that at one point, i screwed up.

that's why i love kids. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't be remembered.

that's why i love one-off friendships. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't matter later.

that's why i'm alone.