why I believe Villar might lose...

...when everyone else is proclaiming death be upon us

I've always argued to my peers and family that Villar will do the same mistake Pichay did last senatorial elections. Pichay spent the most in advertising, and yet he still wasn't able to make the cut for the 12. The argument may be flawed but hey, at least its something to hold on.

and c'mon, the news media has been using the meme "problema sa pag-iisip" or something... or whatever shit which suggest that Noynoy is mentally retarded. When in fact the medical records says depression or melancholia or something. I mean, c'mon, is there anyone who has never experienced any form of depression? I've been depressed before, does that make me mentally retarded?

at least the black propaganda against Villar seems more plausible...

but on a less serious note, I think the 'tunay na mahirap' people would fail to follow directions properly and thus their votes would be nullified or something... yay for smart voters!

I can't hear myself think with the sound of rain... I hate the rain when it gets me or my stuff wet.. but I love the sound of it.

but yeah... I don't want the country be run by a businessman, I want someone to do damage control. The Arroyo Administration has done more bad than good. You can argue that the economy did well, but did that relate to an overall improvement of living among our countrymen?

so I say go ja-ja-ja-jamby madrigal! hahaha

benchwarmer est. 1992

yeah... it has always been that way.

I was never really successful in any of my athletic endeavors. Being head of the chess club back in grade school was a bust with almost everyone on the club beating me. Football in high school didn't work as well cause I was pretty introverted, and it never occurred to me that introversion in team sports never works, unless you're some kind of child prodigy which can score a goal from the corner of your own field. I was also wasn't as gifted as other people, yeah sure you can argue that I am taller than your average filipino, but other people had determination. Cause really, its either I get it done in one try either out of luck or out of natural prowess or I fail doing something then I'd give up... forever.

Unfortuantely, I only realized that sports require so much determination only now. After the years where I was still in a high-caliber football team which could've spiced up my mojo. So nowadays I settle with inter-baranggay basketball games... which hopefully would make me feel like I was able to reedem my past failures.

My rookie year is also my last year, so its either I do good now or fail at sports. It seems like its something which suits my work ethic. So I have to work hard, even for something as small as inter-baranggay games. C'mon I've been a benchwarmer ever since and unfortuantely I cannot choose which activity should I reedem myself.

Although there's still the Thomasian Goodwill Games, which I can get to by joining the AB Football Team. I can take my Nigerian friends me, who will definitely be able to provide much needed help, which in turn might spice up my mojo!

so maybe college is the time where I can redeem myself from past failures. Maybe its not too late perhaps? and I started college on the wrong foot, I had so much bad calls... maybe this time there is hope.

No, wait... scratch that. There is always hope.

di ako lasing...

kahit ano pang gawin ni cesar anthony sollano at nung syota niyang si... uhmmm... noriko.. uhmmm... *checks facebook* usui... noriko usui

parang I was just playing along habang pinipilit nila kong shumat ng shumat. but hey, free dinks which tastes good anyway and doesn't feel like alcohol at all so nothing lost I suppose. pero sa bandang dulo ko na nalasahan yung alcohol dahil nasa ilalim pala yun, at matalino yung kasama ni cesar anthony sollano dahil tumigil na siyang shumat nung bandang dulo.

yeah she was japanese... and yeah she was very pretty. at di ko lang maintindihan kung baket may mga taong panget sa picture pero maganda sa personal.

pero ngayon ko lang naisip, I seem like I'm a better person pag amat. kasi parang mas open ako, as in rapid-fire chattiness. and really, the only time I'm as chatty as that is when I am with people I'm comfortable with in a comfortable environment. at pag di ako amat, tahimik ako at napaka-analytical... kumbaga napaparalisa na ko ng pag-analyze ko eh. analysis paralysis ba.

...so I suppose this is better than happy pills.. or placebos cause they don't work anyway.

can you go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall?

stonton

isang gabi naisipan kong basahin muli ang aking blag, at dun ko na-realize kung gano ka-incoherent ang mga entries ko. parang, shit man, kahit sarili kong gawa di ko maintindihan. kaya sobrang saludo ako sa mga regular na nagbabasa ng blag ko.

kasi parang pag tina-type ko yung mga entries ko, it all made sense to me. parang there was this grand idea in my head which I can't seem to convey through words. siguro kelangan kong gumamit ng ibang medium upang maipamahagi ang mga nasa isip ko. pero pwede ring di ko na lang ipamahagi dahil wala namang significance talaga ang sinasabi ko. tska shit di rin ako marunong gumamit ng punctuation marks! ngayon pa nga lang sobrang hirap na hirap na ko dahil di pa ko gumagamit ng isang ellipsis. siguro eto yung nararamdaman ng mga chain smokers pag di makapag-yosi ng matagal. pwede na 'to, ellipsis addiction, at least di na ko gagastos ng kung anu-ano pa. pero di nga lang ako nakaka-experience ng high

pero ayun, wala pa rin akong planong baguhin ang aking pagsusulat. dahil blag 'to at di ako nakakatanggap ng grade, kaya di ko kelangang karirin ang pag-sulat dito. tska kahit pag kinarir ko wala rin namang magbabasa eh. kung umabot man ng double digits ang regular readers ko, baka ma-pressure ako nun para mag-ayos, or pag pinopondohan nila ko.

tutal marami namang mas magaling na bloggers sa internet, at ang pag-blag ngayon ay ang pag-repost ng post iba... kaya para saan pa ba ang ginagawa ko?

ELLIPSIS!! dot dot dot...

power fluctuations

really.. its pretty irritating... not because the lights flicker every once in a while... but my computer dies... and shit... abruptly..

and its things like those which ruin the hard drive... cause I have a lot of important files which I wouldn't want gone... but I'm too lazy to get a backup drive... and besides a backup drive costs money...

I do not know why we're having this power fluctuations... I suppose it has something to do with Meralco and how they can't seem to get enough power for our country cause the dams are drying up and yeah... well has it occurred to them that the answer lies already in the problem? you have dams right? dams produce electricity by turbines powered by water flow right? and apparently there is a lack of water right? cause its drying up right? and its the heat which comes from the sun which dries it up right? and like.. there are photovoltaic modules.. more commonly known as solar panels which converts the rays of the sun into energy right? and the problem we have here is a lack of energy right? right? right? right?

or I dunno... my facts might be all wrong and shit.. cause yeah its not Meralco which provides the electricity to the whole country.. I've seen the commercials... yes installing or even shipping solar panels from europe or something costs a lot of money... which Meralco is already making us spend cause of whatever shit I was half-listening to on the news or whatever...

actually.. nevermind its just random rambling and stuff.. cause really I've lost hope for this country and the people in it...

cause like.. getting in touch with Manila.. the once historic city.. and seeing it today.. its like.. this isn't going nowhere.. no wait.. its actually going somewhere... downhill..

I'm pretty sure I'm part of the problem as well cause I am livin' it up like the quintessential Filipino... Juan Tamad.. I've accepted that I am doomed to this kind of life unless I get out of the country.. cause the opportunities in this country is pretty non-existent...

we've been raped by country after country ever since the dawn of time.. the philippines like some used up whore who can barely walk cause her pussy has been banged by thick foreign cocks.. we've been experiencing injustice after injustice and yet we're not doing something about it... yeah sure let's stage a demonstration and attain change.. yeah sure...

what we really need is progress... and you don't attain progress by doing People Power all over again... cause if that were the case then America should've been ridden with rally after rally per state...

yeah sure you can argue that change is a proponent for progress cause the current system ain't doing it for us... but should the blame always go to the system? don't you think that the problem really is at our end?

and we keep on going down the same path...

*after some meralco dudes went here to fix our power fluctuation problem*

so yeah... I read somewhere that if we're experiencing power fluctuations it has something to do with the wiring at our home... so yeah... that's fixed... what a coincidence... maybe the universe works in order to get things done.. like the Paulo Coelho line on The Alchemist.. yeah I read books.. occasionally..

but that doesn't make my previous statements false... right?

while my sitar gently resonates inside my head

most of the time the sound of a sitar droning keeps on playing in my head... ever since I got into the whole Beatles thing and George Harrison's integration of Indian overtones and shit.. sitars just go playing in my head... its either that or Only A Northern Song.. its like.. I'm perpetually suffering from LSS... thanks to George Harrison..

oh well.. at least its not like some K-Pop song playing over and over and over again... that'd be pretty fucked up

cause no one uses multiply anymore

so I am free to do whatever I want.. and nobody would care..

oh wait.. scratch that... a group of girls misread one of my blog entries a while back and they seemed to have been pissed.. so people still care about things in multiply... especially with anything which concerns their public image...

then it got me thinking... *now this is the part where you close this tab... cause nobody cares what I think.. except if its about other people* yeah... okay.. so yeah... no point in explaining anything cause everyone's off to Facebook or something...

I remember this line which goes something like "simple minds talk about other people.. normal kids talk about events.. and geniuses talk about.. something of a higher thing or whatever" so does that mean that the majority of the populace is simple minded?

well I guess so... cause when you look at how many consumers are in this world in comparison to the producers.. its pretty imbalanced... y'know.. like... there these few people who think of ways to help man kind... and a bunch of greedy fuckwads put prices tags on it... and then the masses go out and purchase those things.. that's how capitalism works.. yeah.. its evil but it works... that is why we have iPods and Blackberrys and shit..

cause its like... we get all these tech stuff not because it makes life easier anymore... well.. it used to... but... nowadays its just like the masses are driven to buy shit like those because their itching to get their hands on it..

and apparently I fail to see the point of getting into trends.. well.. err.. maybe I used to join the bandwagon... cause I remember when I was little.. everyone had this little cards we call 'tex' or something... I used to buy a ton of those stuff.. especially the one with the dragon ball thing.. then it went to those little motorized cars called Tamiya.. I had one of the most expensive Tamiyas back then... I remember having to dive onto the rough pavement cause it almost gone in to the sewers.. and looking back.. maybe it was a lesson on how even when I was a child I knew how valuable things are... but unfortunately I had a skewed perspective on value cause it was proportional to the object's price... and nowadays I don't think the value of something shouldn't be equated with its price... cause like the cheapest of meals can satisfy me more than overpriced meals along the bay area.. and like... people don't have price tags attached to them... and yet I get to pass by a lot of people everyday and most of them don't seem to matter to me... but I'm not saying that strangers have no value.. cause I like this lady.. I get to see her frequently at school.. and I dunno.. she makes me feel like no other stranger has made me felt before...

so yeah... after Tamiyas it went to Beyblades those overly decorated tops... tops.. like trumpo.. not clothing top... but yeah.. you get the idea... and again.. being financially capable I got one of the expensive ones.. the shit with like the magnets and it made me believe that it really work.. but now.. maybe it was just put there to drive the price up... cause cheap steel Beyblade knockoffs from Divisoria were able to beat the shit out of my Beyblade which costs ten times more... in a way... it kinda served as a metaphor.. for like.. the rich and poor kids.. and how the rich kids are worth more than poor kids (yeah.. ask your local kidnapper) but they're more fragile.. and a poor kid can whoop a rich kid's ass anytime..

then it went to Pokemon cards... I never got into Magic The Gathering cards.. cause I was little back then and the cutesy imagery Pokemon presented was more enthralling than Magic's.. and yeah.. being the privileged kid I was... I got the most expensive card I was able to get.. it was Charizard.. it was pretty expensive.. think $20.. now add the inflation rate.. and there you have it... and right now.. I kinda feel bad for my dad.. cause I fooled him into buying that.. and then I lost it a few hours later... cause it was a piece of cardboard and it can easily slip away or something... its amazing how such things can cost so much... but it was only until now that I realized how valuable it was.. cause back then I wasn't able to have much time with the card so I didn't had any attachment to it.. and I will sound like an asshole for this... but that's how I felt like with my grandparent's death... like.. the only time I cried was when I was forcing myself to.. it never occurred to me naturally to shed a tear cause I just had to... it was like I had to justify why I should cry and then tears fell...

so it occurred to me.. that maybe I was a kid with autism or asperger.. and I never had much emotional attachment to something or someone... I guess in some respect I should be glad that I am unable to mourn for the loss of whatever.. cause I don't have to go through the emotional breakdown.. but viewed from a different perspective.. I feel so out of place.. it sounds melodramatic but when others cry and I can't seem to.. I don't feel like I am able to connect with the people around.. I don't feel like I'm human..

so after that I just stopped buying things which are in season... although I bought a pair of hi-cut chuck taylors and vans slip ons before they were the fad...

and in retrospect.. I was driven to buy those toys.. because it was something everyone had and it allowed me to connect and interact with the society I was aware of.. and being humans we are driven to find a place where we belong... and right now I'm not in a position to join the bandwagon and just do or get whatever is the fad just to belong... I won't join the crowd if I am not fit for it... so I'd rather look for a group of people where I can be myself without having to force myself to buy or do things just so I can belong...

but yeah.. the philippines is just one small dot in a bigger dot called the earth which is part of one huge void called the universe

what was I talking about originally?

jumble bee

I hate repeating myself... really

but all I seem to do in life is to do the same things over and over again... say the same things again and again...

cause when I look at things from afar... I see how repetitive life is... and how it doesn't seem to make sense... thus leading to my cynical disposition.. I've already derailed myself from the path to greatness... I do not think at this juncture I can still live up to my supposed potential... I blew every opportunity... at this state I am just lucky being able to study in a top university in the country and not doing summer classes..

and I've had it with regrets... I'm done with regrets... yeah sure there are a lot of things to be regretful about... but there comes a point where you don't see the point anymore...

don't get me wrong... I am not snuffing it... I am just view myself at a pseudo-enlightened state where in I understand how things work now... and how life doesn't make sense... we just try to see the sense in it.. like... we try to come up with patterns out of the most random things... but really... its just us reading too much in to it...

but who am I to proclaim bible truth... I'm just an undergrad.. middle class kid.. not affiliated with anyone in public office... no power over the people...

then argument becomes... maybe its me reading too much in to it?

pers year part 2

at kumpleto na ang grades ko ngayong sican sem..

Subject Name	Description	Grade
ENG 2	READING & THINKING SKILLS FOR ACADEMIC STUDY	2.5
MATH 101	COLLEGE ALGEBRA	2.75
PGC	PHIL GOVERNMENT AND CONSTITUTION	2.0
PHL 2	LOGIC	2.75
LIT 102A	PHILIPPINE LITERATURES	2.5
HST 101	HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION I	2.0
ECO 202	PHILIPPINE ECONOMIC HISTORY	3.0
THY 2	CHURCH AND SACRAMENTS	3.0
PE	BASIC VOLLEYBALL	2.0

there is an across the board decrease in grades... and it is not the best thing ever..

because.. really.. I want to transfer to the UP Film Institute.. but my dad wants me to go to law school and shit... yeah sure.. I'm fine with going into law school I'd beat those motherfuckers up.. but I feel like I should be taking up Film or any other visual art course which isn't at CSB..

but with a GWA of 2.422... I'd find it difficult I suppose.. very difficult.. cause I heard that the required GWA is 2.. and my theology and PE subjects won't be credited.. so... that's good and bad.. considering that my lowest grades come from Theo 1 and Theo 2.. and because my highest grade was from PE 1.. PE 2 was so-so...

and I'd also like to really study in college.. cause with my class.. I still feel like I'm in a substandard high school.. well maybe when I am with some of my favorite classmates I do get to feel that college vibe.. but during the 4-6 hours in class.. it feels like high school... I guess its the uniform or the attitude... but it all feels like high school to me...

I can't blame them I suppose.. they're fresh from high school.. or maybe I just need to deal with people of different upbringing... cause its fucking difficult..

the people around me are generally unable to read between the lines... they tend to not understand what I am implying... its fucking difficult.. I find solace in the fact that some people do know how to read between the lines and understand my sarcasm and my humor... but really.. college seem worse than high school...

or maybe I need a change of scenery... dabble in the conservatory.. shift to applied physics.. go for philosophy.. or get out of the university altogether...

some people would be happier... I suppose..

greetking

simula siguro nung nag-peysbuk na ko ay exponential ang increase ng mga bumati saken...

sa kapanahunan ng prenster at multiply ay wala gaanong bumabati... siguro kasi di ganun ka-laki ang linalaan ng panahon ng mga tao sa prenster at multiply keysa peysbuk.. kaya di nila natatanggap ang mga birthday reminders... or sadyang simple ang proseso ng pag-bati sa peysbuk kaya mas marami akong natatanggap...

ayos naman

di katulad ng last year.. di ko bibilangin ang mga bumati saken.. sapagkat hassle na lang ito at di na nakakatuwa... tska as if naman may mga magbabasa pa nito

kaya ang nais ko lang naman ipaabot sa mga bumati at sa mga di nakakaalam na bertdey ko pala kahapon.. eh.. ano.. uhmm.. age is just a number... haha.. and birthdays are overrated

siguro kung nabuhay ako sa isang mundo kung saan di ipinagdiriwang ang mga kaarawan.. tulad ng mundo ng The Giver ni Lois Lowry.. di ako madidismaya...

or sadyang bitter lang ako dahil wala naman kasing nangyayari sa mga kaarawan ko kaya parang normal na araw na lang ito saken...

and... nothing ever seem to make sense.. or at least we try to make sense out of the random occurrences of life.. and it turns out to be some fantastic story which we create and shit

drama rama

pero di.. joke lang

naisip ko na ring maging altruistic... kaya nagpakain ako at nagimbita ako ng mga kaibigan.. siguro simula na yun... eventually sana ito'y mag-snowball

because most often than not.. I feel empty... things which should or shouldn't feel good.. don't affect me at all.. or maybe it does but I don't feel anything... I feel numb... but when I become altruistic... I don't feel as empty.. no, I do not have suicidal tendencies... I am waaaaaaaay past that stage.. I just always feel empty.. like life doesn't seem to have any purpose..

yes there are things which I am supposed to do.. like graduate, get my own place, and be financially independent... but it all seems routine.. its something that everyone else does.. and I don't want life to be some huge cliche.. which is the case for everyone I suppose...

its stupid really.. to not conform... because you already know what works.. but I dunno... I just don't want to be like everyone else.. but apparently my course choice says otherwise.. the mere fact that I am studying in college says otherwise.. if I really don't want to be just like everyone else.. I should get into the mountains and write as much as I'd want to and maybe I'll turn into this post-post-post modern philosopher or some shit...

I dunno... nothing ever makes sense... when you're looking at your feet

happy bitterday

oo bitter ako pag bertday... di kasi ako mahilig na gini-greet ako sa bertday... ewan ko ba kung baket... siguro kasi ayaw ko ng feeling na parang star ako... taong sidelines kasi ako eh.. at mahiyain.. unless naka-down na ng ilang drinks

intially plano ko sanang burahin ang bawat wall post sa peysbuk ko na i-gree-greet ako ng happy birthday... dahil bitter nga ako.. haha.. pero nung nakita ko na pati si Bea Dawn Casabar nag-greet... parang... waw.. err... I haven't talked to her in ages.. and.. yeah...

parang naisip ko.. minsan na nga lang kami magusap tas i-de-delete ko pa...

pero tae.. minsan lang ako magkaroon ng wall post sa peysbuk eh.. mga update lang sa Playstation Network trophies.. kaya parang nung kapanahunan ng presnter.. kung saan buong taon akong may testimonial na may nakasulat na happy birthday na nakadisplay sa profile ko... nakakairita lang isipin na buong taon na ipapaalala sa'yo na pag birthday ka lang inaalala ng mga tao... at sa buong taon ay walang mag-bibigay sa'yo ng testimonial.. every april 7 lang talaga.. tapos happy birthday lang rin nakasulat.. tae.. magpopost ulet ng happy birthday sa testimonial only para matanggal yung mga last year's happy birthday testimonials na naka-display sa profile mo...

the sad state of being a non-sociable person... kaya dapat di nag-so-social networking sites ang mga katulad kong tahimik na nilalang eh.. kasi lalong mapapatunayan na walang pumapansin saken.. kahit magpapansin pa ko...

at kung meron mang pumansin... isa o dalawa lang.. swerte na ko pag may tatlong taong pumansin...

the internet perpetually holds my youth

is it too late to realize that?

apparently multiply isn't the most private thing on the web.. nothing is every private on the web actually.. every bit of information stored in a network.. the next god

unfortunately I haven't been putting my best foot forward on the internets and eventually deranged people with nothing else better to do can dig up dirt on me... cause online I am this sick freak which blurts out an almost infinite amount of randomness

so I don't think I can be this big leftist hero I dream to be.. cause I've been immortalized on the web.. or at least the jackassery of my early youth.. nobody wants a jackass leftist revolutionary do we? oh wait... all of them are

so it leads me to wonder... should I be afraid of people digging up all of those dirt? I seem to be full of dirt on my own but with more dirt it will only cascade into one big piece of crap

not unless I become public property I suppose.. but being heavily involved with the internet I already am public property.. with all the information I put into friendster, multiply, myspace and facebook..

we, the users of social networking sites, are guinea pigs... the internet is fairly new.. and who knows how the information we put into these sites can be used against us?

and so I pose the question... how important is information?

without information what happens? with information in the wrong hands... what happens?

I am not afraid of my stupid antics of past be used against me... people can try to assassinate me as much as they would want to.. I am only little...

but what I am afraid of is what happens on a bigger scale... do we lose privacy thanks to the internet?

...how valuable is privacy really?

pers year in retrospect part 1

so yeah... I didn't fail any subjects this year... no summer classes to attend to... goodbye for now 1eco1

looking back... being a freshman again wasn't the best experience... but certainly isn't the worst.. this school year had its ups and downs... but being the optimistic fuck that I truly am, I see the beauty in a lot of things with bambi eyes and child-like naivete..

this year had no challenges.. really.. no matter how difficult things seemed to be... class was easy as a four to six hour class could get.. homeworks were almost non-existent.. quizzes were as simple as primary school... and the fucking exams were easier than what I took in high school... everything was a breeze... maybe except the 1st sem economics recitation under ma'am Estacio.. which was as nerve wracking as Atty. Lorenzo's socratic method of teaching.. my 2nd sem theology professor Atty. Dator didn't do justice to the teaching method used in law schools.. he was borderline irrational.. he seems to ask for opinions with questions such as "is God real?" but he was pretty much asking for St. Thomas Aquinas' Quinta Viae.. that was fucking frustrating.. and I got a grade of fucking 3 from him...

the only hurdle for me was the ever so present lethargic disposition I've always had... I can never seem to get rid of that.. and because of it there were perceived challenges which weren't really there at all to begin with...

the kids in my class were generally bearable.. with some exceptions.. but not to worry the tolerant fuck is here to tolerate everything in this world... because life ends at 20...

but yeah.. there were a bunch of cool cats in class... the first one I was able talk to was Luis Mata... the motocross dude from Davao who hated everything in manila.. although I seemed to have fucked up and he hated me eventually... oh well.. lesson learned I suppose.. but even if that kid hates my guts I wouldn't hate his.. cause he reminded me of an old friend of mine...

the next cool cat would be Zai Seng Kaew.. the Burmese guy which a bunch of girls hated cause of his stench.. I can't blame them.. even I had my apprehensions.. but after putting on some roll on he was of the most intellectual guys I've ever talked to... its maybe because he's 24 already.. but its just amazing how intellectual our lunch conversations would get.. but I heard he's planning on transferring to Hong Kong University or something... so another cool cat down the drain...

yes steady eddie, I am using jazz lingo..

among the many ladies in class... Trizzia Marie Lim is probably one of my favorites.. yeah.. she's a cool cat... she and I don't seem to hang out at all.. but there is something about her that makes me click with her effortlessly.. like.. I can be myself with her and not feel like some douchebag.. maybe its something with kids of Benedictine upbringing or whatever but she's definitely a cool cat..

and the last cool cat this year is my black friend Richmond Akalugwa.. I kinda view him as the better version of me.. although I do not have aspiration on being black.. I want to look like some pacific islander kid.. but yeah.. he and I share a lot of simillarities but at the same time have a lot of differences.. its a good mix really.. and that makes him a cool cat

..but yeah.. I started doing this blog entry at around 8 in the morning.. and its 4PM.. I've been distracted too much.. I need to do part 2