bell curves and exact opposites

I've always held on to the belief that studies hold a huge amount of truth in them. I was once primed to take up a pre-med degree and par for the course was to get myself familiarized with studies which are medical in nature. Psychology was more of my thing because it was less exact science and more about the uncertainties of the human mind; to which I am not knocking on psychology, I like that field. It works for me, a person who would find it difficult to wrap my head around chemical bonds and what not. But where am I going with this, really? I just went into a relationship with someone - someone whom I hold very dearly even way before. Someone who, in a lot of respects, is the (I won't be using exact because it's overrated) opposite of me. And I have heard the overused line which goes something like: "opposites attract." Yes, that's true for the sciences, and chick flicks... and action flicks, come to think of it... as a girl would be inclined to a man who is unlike her, so does a hero who is inclined to shoot his nemesis in the head. But I digress, by a wide margin.

I won't quote the exact author of the study or even remember what the exact study was, but I once saw some findings that in some cases, opposites do attract; here's the catch, though: but not for long. You will get sick of your special other who's unlike you, you will get tired of that person who share different beliefs from you; which, to tell you honestly, scares me. I went into a relationship hoping to take a home run. I am not in the business to waste my time on some chick whom I might just spend at least a few months or so. I value my time, my feelings, and most importantly, my wallet very highly. But then again, this is merely a fear, and fears are irrational... but so is love.

They say that couples that do last are those from couples who are a lot like each other. Am I like the person whom I am in a relationship with? In some cases, yeah. But for a pessimist like me, a person who sees not what I have but what I lack, I see our differences more than the commonalities. Which you must therefore conclude that I should be blamed for thinking like this and adopting this set of beliefs. So at the end of the day, am I the one who has the problem?

According to my professor, in most cases, once the sample size of any research study it mimics normal distribution. The theory I have, is that if you gather the data of every successful relationship, you would see that, yes, the more alike you are with your special other, the more successful your relationship would be... BUT, normal distributions have outliers, for those who have yet to encounter what a normally distributed probability is... I linked it like a wikipedia page, do yourself a favor and read about it. But anyway, as I was saying... outliers, deviants, anomalies... yes, despite my pessimism on the matter, I hold on the idea of outliers; more specifically, on the probability that my relationship would be a success on an outlying chance. "Normal" has never been my calling card, and I am well aware that most experiences I've had are not well within at least 2 standard deviations of a continuous probability distribution.

oooh... I'm getting too math-y for my own liking. "Math literate" has never been my calling card either.

may girlfriend na ko

nagkataon na oo, ganun na nga, at wala ako sa mood magkwento dahil naisipan ko rin naman kasing ipagpatuloy ang blag ko sa blagger. tingnan niyo na lang ang mga latest entries ko dun, dahil baka di ko na ipagpatuloy ito, despite the fact na mas personal at mas... open ako dito. apir.

8 hours of sleep

I ought to sleep now, assuming that I do indeed need 8 hours of sleep and that I need to wake up at six.

I've been watching too much da ali g show, the british accent in my head as I type this tells me so. I sort of like imagine a tender sacha baron cohen voice in my head. it's kinda amusing yet strange when a different voice is inside your head, or maybe it's just one of those weird things that happen only to me. I'm awfully weird... but it adds to my charm, or lack thereof.

a british accent in my head isn't reason enough to bash my head on the wall or want to have my head kicked in, I tried playing tetris on my nintendo ds yesterday and that's all I've been doing ever since. the trouble lies in when I'm not playing the game anymore. the moment I close my eyes or even have an idle moment with my mind, it starts to draw images of blocks falling and my brain figuring out where do certain pieces go. it's such an annoyance I want to bash my head on the damn wall. but no, I've had my fair share of concussions for someone who has lived a mostly sedentary lifestyle. any more head trauma will just ruin my already bad memory... or whatever brain processes affected by the frontal lobe.

I can probably attribute that to the lack of cohesion of my blog entries in between paragraphs.

or maybe it's a matter of style and lack of rules as to what should I or should not do.

nevertheless, I shall continue typing until my eyes feel heavy. good thing netbooks are invented, I can finally do trivial stuff on my bed and other places in the house where a desktop pc would be too much of a hassle to set up.

again, this is probably one of those blog entries where I just shoot off into different directions, be meta about certain things, and not really have a point. life doesn't really have a point, or at least that's how I view it, so in someways, this blog imitates life. or maybe that is me trying to sound deep in hopes of appearing to be an intellectual. no, I'd be the first to say it before the word "poser" is thrown at me, I am not some free thinker who have thoughts that might change the world. all I think of are things that matter to me, and if it so happens that what I think of or say here might change the world or matter to a great deal of people, then well and good.

I'm not consistent enough to be considered an intellectual, nor do I even really wanna be considered an intellectual... alone. if anything, I'd like to be a polymath. when I was younger, I was probably writing on this blog back then, I discovered the concept of "polymath", people who are good at a lot of things. in hopes of becoming a polymath, fell through a couple of obstacles and realized that you can't be great at a lot of things. one does not simply become awesome at different disciplines at this day and age. I've fallen into the trap where I know a vast number of things, but none of it, I am really good at. or maybe I didn't put enough heart into it?

or maybe I'm just one of those people that can't finish what I've started? I know it's a common thing to be unable to finish something. with a bad memory, I can't name a lot of things that I've left unfinished, despite the fact that it ought to have the zeigarnik effect, but I can say that I have never finished a book. I remember that much. I read some books, but halfway through, I just find something else to do... like read another book. I have finished a lot of films though, but then again, it forces you to sit in front of a screen for two hours. but that doesn't mean I have my fair share of films that I haven't finished yet, on the top of my head, I can name adventureland. the film with the straight faced girl from twilight and the awkward guy from juno and scott pilgrim and zombieland and nick and norah's infinite playlist and paper heart and superbad... it's funny how I remember their faces and the films they've starred in but I can't remember the name. I'm fairly certain it's a right brain dominant thing... and probably the reason why I am bad at math.

and bad at a lot of things I force myself to study about.

randong

the story ends with me... not getting what I want.

it, however, starts optimistically. me brimming with hope, nothing short of any semblance of gusto. specific goals which are easy to visualize are always the best motivators. it started three years ago, I've stopped blogging here and did it at my exclusive to contacts multiply blog. a different blog harbored the trials and tribulations that got me to where I am right now. to those expecting to make sense out of this, I am advising you to leave or either skip this entry, this will be a moody piece. I rarely make sense, and if I do, that's unintentional... or if what I say does make sense and yet I deem it to be vague, then congratulations, you know how my mind works.

I'm not really sure if that's worth congratulating, though.

I subscribe to the idea that we are born to do great things, no matter how dumb people may consider you. it's just a matter of motivation. there are many ways to get motivated, slaves are motivated by whips and chains, yuppies are motivated by their paycheck, and altruistic individuals are motivated by that fulfilling feeling that eludes most people since we've been too engrossed in the pursuit of worldly desires marketed to us by companies. no, I am not a commie sympathizer who believes that capitalists should fall and that sort of shit, I've grown inundated with trying to change the world by collectives and we seem to forget how to look at the individual.

if some people out there would like to change the world by fighting for a certain ideology, then go ahead, I'm looking inwards. it's more of a philosophical choice more than anything, people can call me selfish for prioritizing myself before the good of society, and I can preempt every other thing people might call me, but at the end of the day, the internet is the best place to bully people... how about this? what if I deliberately not make any sense at all to ward off anyone looking for any meaning in what I say and with who I am. it's not my problem.

I'm a bit of a loose cannon... especially now that I'm extremely exhausted and I don't even look at the keyboard nor the screen no more. I just let my thoughts guide my fingers and let my fingers feel the keyboard and just keep on typing at my whim... probably without making any sense nr any valuable meaning. I've been a bit meta on this entry, haven't I? forgive me for being redundant and self-conscious... I am a bit of a loose cannon.

somehow, though, I feel the need to make sense. I feel the need to reach out and at least get my point, if any, or lack thereof, across. I feel the need to matter, to which given that this blog doesn't get as much hits, I am failing to achieve. or maybe I'm suffering the fate just like everyone else? we all try to matter, we all want to be remembered for something, or to feel like it's not all an entirely a waste of time, but I think it all is... we've gotten so caught up in the architecture of the modern age that we're stuck and we can't find glass ceilings to break out of. I have torn ligaments in my fingers... or is it tendons? I dunno. what I do know, however, is that my fingers are in pain, and the more I type, the more I exacerbate the injury... so allow me to shut up and let you go.

cause it's one thing I fail to do to a lot of social encounters.

personal space

allow me to speak in english this time because I seem to think in english sometimes... but then the trouble is, when I think in english, my thoughts are highly fragmented... and I don't seem to have a solid point to drive... just a bunch of phrases that I blurt out in hopes of making sense... albeit, barely making the grade.

this is one of those blog entries I write earlier in the day. it's what? as of writing it's 6:32PM, most of my blog entries this year has been done at ungodly hours of the night, usually when I'm more contemplative and I've given things much thought. this time, however, I've noticed for quite sometime now. to actually call it "sometime" might be an understatement, long ago I've accepted that this has always been one of my weaknesses. I've been very distant with most people, if not all, rarely do I open up, although this blog says otherwise, for some reason I trust the kindness of strangers, no matter how cynical my view of the world is... besides, the internet provides me a semblance of anonymity to which opening up to a close friend cannot afford me. somehow, though, this might sound like a call for help, or a plea, I dunno, my hormonal angst ridden adolescence has passed me by and this is not me showing any angst, this is just me blurting out things that really don't make sense... at least with the way I say it.

somehow, this is not enough, for you, the reader, at least, but to me it is. I'm fine with having to sound as vaguely as possible, this... comforts... me. I don't need you to get the point, I don't need you to really get something out of this, actually, let's be realistic here, by the time I publish this blog entry, no one would even read this, to which I am perfectly fine with. I'm quite hesitant for people to actually take a look at this because people would merely think that I wasted their time with something as vague and as seemingly empty as this, but let me tell you, people, when you can't use words to describe what you feel, you either have a limited set of vocabulary or it's too big of a feeling or maybe even too abstract to limit it into words. I'd like to think, however, that I have a decent set of vocabulary, maybe it's just my lack of life experiences to actually recognize the underlying fault.

this would be the fourth paragraph of seemingly nonsensical thoughts put together, I dunno, does it even matter? most literary works have multiple and sometimes unnecessarily deep interpretations, why can't this blog entry be like them? probably because I am not worth the effort to do so? what am I? some random blogger with a blog layout which is around four years old, this blog layout is older than most animals in this house, that's amazing... to me, at least. but I digress, to which this blog entry seems to be full of, but no, actually it's all part of the grand scheme of things. the bigger picture that only I can see because I fail to disclose most of the details.

sometimes, let me be me.

kunsentidor

kasalukuyang nag-se-senti ako ngayon.

eww, kadiri. ewan, di ba pwedeng malungkot minsan?

sinasabayan ko ang pag-se-senti ko ngayon sa ginawa kong playlist sa mga natitirang kanta sa netbook ko. tinatamad akong ilista ang mga kantang ito, pero sasabihin ko na lang kung anong kasalukuyang tumutugtog habang nag-ta-type ako dito at kung ano ang nararamdaman ko habang pinapakinggan yung kanta. oo, gawain ng babae o effeminate yun, pero baket ba? di ba pwedeng maging in touch sa feminine side ko? madalas naman akong makasakit sa mga sports na linalaro ko eh. quits lang.

partikular ako sa musika, maarte ako, gusto ko da best lagi, o kung ano man ang da best na kaya ng budget ko. kaya importanteng malaman na ang gamit ko para pakinggan ang mga kantang ito ay isang sennheiser ie8. sige, i-google niyo yun.

now playing: Azure Ray - The Drinks We Drank Last Night

mabigat kaagad ang kanta. sa katunayan nga, pinipilit ko lang magisip ng ilalagay dito dahil isa ito sa mga kantang natutulala na lang ako at nadadala ng kanta. napaka-lungkot ng kabuoang vibe niya, saktong-sakto para sa mga mag-syota na nag-away, kaso nga lang wala naman akong kaaway at ang mas importante pa dun, wala akong syota.

now playing: Azure Ray - Displaced

azure ray nanaman?! di bale, bagay naman sa mga ganitong pagkakataon ang musika ng azure ray, napaka-lambing ng boses nila at nadadala ang kanta gamit ang synthesizers at acoustic guitar.

now playing: Foo Fighters - Walking After You

maliit pa ko at ito na pinapakinggan kong kanta pag pauwi't gabi na. pang-friendzone na pang-friendzone ang kantang ito, o baka namang nag-tampuhang mag-syota, pero sabi ko nga, wala pa kong nakatampuhan at syota, kaya mas ramdam ko na para sa mga na-friendzone at pumapayag magpa-friendzone ang kantang ito. wala naman akong problema sa pagiging friendzoned, di naman talaga ako naghahabol ng romansa sa buhay, pag andyan, andyan. sadya rin naman ako yung taong magsasabi na "I'm on your back"

now playing: Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide

isa na siguro 'to sa mga kantang kahit anong okasyon, basta marinig ko siya, nalulungkot kaagad ako o di kaya't ginaganahang mag-senti. mapa si billy corgan o ang fleetwood mac ang kumanta, nadadala ako sa emosyon ng kantang 'to. o baka dahil naalala ko yung eksena ng mid-season finale ng south park kung saan biglang naging shitty ang lahat ng bagay para kay stan marsh. di naman sa nagiging shitty ang lahat ng bagay sa pananaw ko sa tuwing pinapakinggan ko yung kanta, kahit papaano naman ay di ako lubhang cynical. mahal ko ang buhay, at naniniwala rin akong pag minahal mo ito, mamahalin ka rin niya.

now playing: The Cardigans - After All

heartache, heartbreak, ito yung kantang pinakinggan ko nung lubha akong heartbroken. isipin mo ba naman na "after all you were perfectly right" na lyrics rin ng kanta, kung di mo man naintindihan kung baket ako nag-quote. kadalasan pag napamahal ka na sa isang tao, iisipin at iisipin mo na tamang-tama siya para sa'yo, pero di rin, nakakabulag ang pag-ibig... alalahanin mo yun.

now playing: Beck - Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes

alalang-alala ko ang kantang ito dahil ito yung ginamit ko sa award winning na proyekto ko nung hayskul na indie film, dahil ginamit ko rin kasi yung original soundtrack ng eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. magandang pelikula rin yun para sa mga nasa relasyon na nawawalan na ng spark, dahil minsan kailangan lang mapaalala sa'yo kung ano ang mga naging dahilan kung baket mo inibig ang isang tao.

now playing: The Cranberries - Linger

may mga kanta talaga na pag pinakinggan mo, may naalala kang tao. period.

now playing: Feist - Let It Die

di naman sa sawi ako, nagkataon lang na biglang nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na naalala ko ang mga bagay na nagpalungkot sakin dati. isa 'to sa mga kantang naging paraan ko para malaman kung may nakakapansin nga sa mga pinag-gagawa ko, at oo, napansin kong napansin niya.

now playing: The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm

summer at tag-ulan at sawi, isa ito sa mga kantang nasa playlist ko nung lubhang sawi ako di dahil nagkaroon ako ng "first orgasm", kundi dahil tinulungan ako ng kantang ito para matauhan at malaman na "I think I could last at least a week without someone to hold me". at sa huli, naging pakiusap ko rin ang "won't you hold me?"

now playing: Jon Brion - Strings That Tie To You

isa nanamang kanta mula sa original soundtrack ng eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. minsan lang ako maging dependent sa mga tao dahil sadyang nasanay ako na mag-isa lang, at hinde, walang halong drama ang paratang na yun, mas natural lang sa akin at mas kumportable ako na maging mag-isa. pero kung nagkataon nga na umabot sa ganun at kailanganin ko ang isang tao, ito siguro yung magiging kanta ko.

now playing: wala na.

tapos na ang playlist, ang ikli lang pala at sa kalagitnaan nito di na ko nagse-senti at inaanalyze na lang ang mga kanta. sa susunod, di na ko magpapaka-ganito, mukha lang akong tanga eh. pero ayos lang, makakalimutan niyo rin naman 'to eh.

mega maul

matagal na kong di napapadpad sa mall, kaya medyo nag-atubili ako nung paalis na kami. matagal na rin akong di nakakapunta sa matataong lugar, ang pinaka huling mataong lugar na napuntahan ko ay yung championship game ng local team namin, at least dun nakaupo ka lang at nanonood, sa mall naglalakad ka't naghahanap ng damit at magagandang mukha.

maraming magagandang babae sa pilipinas, sobrang dami, o ewan, baka mababaw lang kaligayahan ko o mababa lang standards ko... pero kilala ang bansa natin sa pagiging magaling sa larangan ng beauty contests, wag ka nang magulat kung kahit ang regular na babae dito ay maganda nga. ewan ko na lang sa mga babae kung pakiramdam nila'y nagkalat ang mga gwapo sa bansang ito, o baka sobrang taas naman ng standards nila at gusto lang nilang maging boyfriend si justin bieber. kung kinaya ni arnel pineda maging bokalista ng journey, kaya niyo rin sigurong syotain si justin bieber, sige, gumawa lang kayo youtube videos baka sakali.

kababwan ko lang maituturing ang pag-tingin sa magagandang babae sa mga mall. ang mas malalim na dahilan kung baket ko ginagawa yun ay dahil natutuwa akong magbasa ng tao. akala ko dati alien ako at imposible kong maintindihan kung pano gumana ang utak at puso ng mga tao sa paligid ko, pero makalipas ng ilang taon, alam ko na ang ibig sabihin ng iba't ibang klase ng eye contact, iba't ibang klase ng facial expressions, iba't ibang klase ng tindig at postura, at iba't ibang klaseng iba't ibang bagay pa. umasenso na ko't ginawa ko nang libangan ang pag-basa ng tao. at oo, nababasa ko rin kung may gusto saken ang isang tao, maaring di laging tama ang pagkakabasa ko, pero ganun naman talaga ang tao eh, walang siguradong formula para intindihin o basahin ang mga tao.

kung may formula para maintindihan natin ang isa't isa, edi sana nagkakasundo tayong lahat at wala nang syotang nagtatampuhan o mga presidenteng nag-ge-giyerahan. kung tutuusin pa nga, tayo lang ang nagpapahirap sa sarili natin eh.

orange and lemonades redux

minabuti kong balikan ang mga kahiya-hiya kong blag entries (I can never say it enough) noong unang panahon, at may blag entry ako dati tungkol sa clichés ng mga pinoy aksyon films na nakuha ko siguro sa Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ang Pilipino ni Bob Ong, di lang ako sigurado, kahit nga sa title di ako sigurado eh. nakulangan ako sa pagpapaliwanag ko dati, kaya ngayong mas marami na kong alam sa buhay, naisipan kong bigyang liwanag muli ang mga cliché ng pinoy aksyon films... dahil oo, kailangan niyo ito.

cliché # 1: Umiikot and istorya sa paghihiganti.
reason: pinapairal ng mga pilipino ang kanilang crab mentality.

cliché # 2: Ni-rape ang kapatid ng bida o pinatay ang kamaganak n'ya(nanay, tatay, ate, kuya, kinakapatid, kabiyak, syota, kulasisi, anak, pinsan, tiyo, tiya, lolo, lola, ninong, ninang, apo, apo sa tuhod, apo sa talampakan, ninuno)
reason: sadyang mahilig ang mga pilipino

cliché # 3: Isa sa mga eksena e babastusin ang bida, o ang syota n'ya, ng mga nag-iinumang istambay.
reason: kailangan ng pilipino ng alak para kumapal lalo ang mukha at mambastos ng di kakilala

cliché # 4: Magkakagulo sa isang okasyon (kaarawan, kasal, binyag, burol).
reason: mas kapansin-pansin ang kaguluhan sa isang okasyon dahil puno ito ng tao at syempre, kailangan gumawa ng impact ng kontrabida't gumawa ng engrandeng entrance, kaya kailangan talaga niya ng maraming tao para ipaalam na andyan na siya.

cliché # 5: Hinde nakakaramdam ng sakit ang bida sa bakbakan, pero sisigaw ito at aaray pag ginagamot na ng leading lady ang mga sugat n'ya.
reason: sa harap ng mga kaaway, kailangan ipakita ng bida na matibay siya't di natitinag, ngunit sa harap ng babae, kailangang ipakita niya na vulnerable siya... at siyempre corollary nito ang cliché # 14.

cliché # 6: Pag narinig mong tumawa ang isang character nang "bwahahahahaha," automatic, kontrabida 'yon.
reason: tama nga naman si 2006 kenneth, di pwedeng tumawa ng "teehee" ang kontrabida... mali yon.

cliché # 7: Pag may gagawing masama, tumatawa ang kontrabida. Kahit habang nanggagahasa.
reason: dahil kailangang i-establish na ang kontrabida ay nakakahanap ng kaligayahan sa pag-gawa ng masama, at siyempre, dagdag creepy points yun.

cliché # 8: Smoker at mabisyo lagi ang kontrabida.
reason: dahil si hitler lang ang kontrabidang di mabisyo.

cliché # 9: Mahilig sa leather jacket and kontrabida. Kahit buwan ng Abril at tanghaling tapat.
reason: irasyonal ang pag-gawa ng masama, at para consistent sa karakter niya, magsusuot ng leather jacket ang kontrabida sa mainit na klima natin/

cliché # 10: Ang Structure ng mga kalaban: Ang Boss at ang kanyang "mga bata"
reason: third world country tayo, kaya nararapat lang na naayon sa antas ng ekonomiya natin ang struktura ng kalaban.

cliché # 11: Ang kuta ng kalaban e sa warehouse o malaking bahay.
reason: dahil dun madali mag-orchestrate ng eksenang bakbakan

cliché # 12: Lagi ding may eksena sa isang beer house.
reason: para maka-relate ang target demographic ng pelikula, at para maka-siksik ng advertisment ng alak..

cliché # 13:May seksing leading lady at may bed scene na pwedeng ikwnto sa Abante.
reason: dahil yun ang pampa-enganyo sa target demographic ng pelikula, at para makasiksik ng eksenang sumasabit sa x-rated.

cliché # 14: Pagkatapos ng nagbabagang bed scene ay mahinhin ulit ang leading lady.
reason: sa harap ng publiko, kailangang maging mahinhin ang babae... parang mga pilipina ng sinaunang panahon, ngunit sa harap ng lalake sa kama, o sa kung saan man nila ginagawa ang bed scene, kailangang ipakita ng babae na game siya... at kung naghahanap lang naman ang bida ng mahalay na babae, edi sana nang-table na lang siya ng babae sa eksena sa beer house.

cliché # 15: Marunong sa bakbakan ang babae, at kung isa ng lalake lang naman e kayang-kaya nitong patumbahin.
reason: kahit paaano eh may respeto ang mga lalake sa babae dito sa pilipinas, kaya hangga't sa maari ayaw nilang saktan ang babae... pero wala eh, di pantay ang turing ng mga babae sa lalake at todo bigay sila sa pambubugbog ng lalake.

cliché # 16: Kung mako-corner ang bida, hindi ito papatayin, ikukulong lang at papahirapan, dahil lagi s'yang gustong mahuli nang buhay ng big boss.
reason: sentimental ang mga pilipino, kahit kontrabida ka pa.

cliché # 17: Pagdating sa big boss, papatayin din s'ya, pinatagal lang ng konti.
reason: di fulfilling ang pag-paslang sa tao nang di mo makikita ng harap harapan.

cliché # 18: Mag-uusap ang bida at ang mortal na kalaban nito habang nagtututukan ng baril... mahabang pag-uusap, parang balagtasan, tila baga mag-syotang nasa telepono.
reason: napaka-diplomatic ng mga pinoy, kung pwede lang sana, di na nila ilalagay ang baril sa eksena't magtatalo na lang ang bida at kontrabida... pero dahil aksyon film, kailangan ng baril.

cliché # 19: May malakas na pagpapasabog kahit hinde naman kailangan.
reason: aksidenteng napindot lang ng crew yung trigger ng explosion.

cliché # 20: Walang malakas na pagsabog kahit na kailangan.
reason: sinayang ng crew yung pampasabog eh, di bale ibabawas naman yun sa sweldo niya.

cliché # 21: Mura lang ang baril at pwede itong itapon kung wala nang bala.
reason: china made.

cliché # 22: Makakapulot ang bida ng baril na may bala tuwing kinakailangan.
reason: lagi naman talagang may baril na nakakalat, di lang niya pinapansin ang madalas na pagkakataong may baril dahil di naman niya kailangan ito. tulad ng bed scene niya kasama ang babae, ibang magnum ang dala niya dun.

cliché # 23: Marunong at asintado sa baril ang leading lady kahit na hindi pa s'ya nakakahawak nito sa buong buhay n'ya.
reason: tama si 2006 kenneth, beginner's luck.

cliché # 24: Kaya ng dalawangpung tao sa bakbakan dahil hindi naman sila sumusugod ng sabay-sabay, laging isa-isa, parang nagsasayaw.
reason: baka magkamali ang kalaban at mabugbog ang kapwa dahil sobra sobra na sila't nagkakagulo, di niyo lang alam, may utak rin ang mga kalaban, alam nila ang principle ng diminishing marginal returns. sige, i-google mo.

cliché # 25: Hindi tinatamaan ng bala ang bida kahit na tatlumpung tao ang bumabaril sa kanya, pero lahat sila tinatamaan nya.
reason: kasama yun sa training ng bida academy

cliché # 26: Tamaan man s'ya ng bala ay laging daplis lang... bawal sa ulo o sa puso.
reason: kasama ang pag-mintis sa training ng kontrabida academy

cliché # 27: Siyam ang buhay ng bida.
reason: tama si 2006 kenneth, mahilig sa siopao ang bida

cliché # 28: Doble pa nito ang buhay ng leading lady.
reason: ayon sa unicef, mas mahaba ang life expectancy ng mga babae.

cliché # 29: Kung mamamatay man ang isa sa kanila e makakapagsalita pa ito ng isang page ng script bago malagutan ng hininga.
reason: siyempre huling minuto mo na lang sa mundo, susulitin mo na ito.

cliché # 30: Pagkatapos pakinggan ang farewell speech, titingala ang naulila at isisigaw ang pangalan ng namatay.
reason: baka kasi marinig ng namatay yung sigaw niya habang pataas siya ng langit.

cliché # 31: Pero hindi lubusang nagiging ulila ang bida dahil kadalasan itong merong spare na partner.
reason: prueba lang yan na wala talagang lonely na pilipino, mga nagiinarte lang dahil sobrang dami ng oportunidad para magkaroon ng partner.

cliché # 32: Huling darating ang maraming pulis at didiretso agad sila sa pag-aaresto sa mga kalaban. Oo, parang may palatandaan sila kung sino ang mga kalaban... at wala silang pakialam sa bida, kahit na sangkot ito sa riot!
reason: basta nabugbog, kalaban na yun. di naman mahuhuli ng punta ang mga pulis sa eksena kung di magtatagumpay ang bida. pag nananalo ang kontrabida, sakto ang dating ng mga pulis.

pero sa kapanahunan ngayon, na ang pelikulang pilipino ay puro romantic comedy o drama at ang huling lehitimong pinoy aksyon film ay yung asiong salonga, di niyo na rin siguro ito maiintindihan. kahit na ba, naging parte ito ng kasaysayan ng pelikulang pilipino at nakakatuwa minsan mag balik tanaw.

virgin forest

ayaw ko nang magpuyat hanggang alas kwatro ng umaga dahil sobrang sakit sa ulo nun... nakakairita lang.

ginawa ko ang huling blag entry ko sa maliit kong netbook at kanina ko lang nabuksan muli ang blag ko sa desktop kompyuter ko na widescreen ang monitor. pano mo malalaman kung widescreen ang monitor mo? kung pa-rectangle ito. inside joke yun.

kung tinitingnan mo nga ang blag na ito sa widescreen monitor na malamang ay karamihan na ng mga kompyuter sa panahong ito ay usong-uso, mapapansin niyo yung kulay grey sa kanang bahagi ng blag ko, inaako ko ang pagkakamaling yun. di pa uso noong 2008 o 2007 ang mga widescreen monitors, square pa ang mga monitors na pinag-gagamit ko noon, CRT pa nga ata gamit ko noon eh, at noong ginawa ko ang layout na ito gamit ang adobe photoshop at notepad para mag-html, di ko sinugradong future proof ang layout ng blag na ito.

ikinalulungkot kong tanggapin na nawala na ang kadalubhasaan ko sa html kaya wala na talaga akong ideya sa kung paano ko gagawing pang-widescreen ito. pinag-experimentuhan ko na kanina yung pag-e-html at kaya ko naman tanggalin yung kulay grey, pero ampanget pa rin tingnan kung nasa kanang dulo ng monitor mo lang ang binabasa mo... mukhang tanga lang.

maliban sa pang square na monitor na layout ng blag kong ito, nais ko rin sanang baguhin yun larawan kong mukhang tanga na naka-tali ang bangs ko. ilang taon nang nakalipas nung kinunan yun, kapanahunan pa ata ng friendster yun at sagot ako ng sagot ng mga surveys sa bulletin board, panahon na ba para baguhin ito? di ko naman ipinagkakaila na, oo, weirdo talaga ako at kung anu-anong kaweirduhan ang pinaggagawa ko kaya na-e-encapsulate ng larawang yan ang ugali ko. weirdo.

pero sabi nga nila, di umaasenso ang mga taong di marunong umadapt sa pagbabago. pero kailangan ko ba talagang umasenso sa blag na ito? may malalim na nakaraan na kong naka ambag dito at nais ko sanang mag bigay pugay sa katawa-tawa't kahiya-hiyang nakaraan. siguro sa susunod na buwan o taon ay babaguhin ko rin ang layout at larawan ko at magiging out of context ang kasalukuyang pinagsasabi ko, ewan, tingnan na lang natin.

tutal paniguradong may magbabago't magbabago, kung di ikaw, baka ako.

CPR

may kinse minutos na lang na nalalabi sa baterya ng netbook ko, kaya kung may sasabihin ako, kailangan kong sabihin ng mabilis. alas kwatro na ng umaga't marahil ay wala na ko sa tamang diwa, daig ko pa ata ang lasing. at least sila alam nila kung kelan na nila kailangang bumagsak sa kama't matulog.

napagtanto ko rin na ipagpatuloy ang blag ko simula nung medyo umasenso ako sa grammar at style ng blogging, uso pa blog nun. ngayon masyadong maikli na ang attention span ng mga tao kaya ang kaya lang nilang maproseso ay 140 characters or less, o di kaya't mga larawang na-reblog ng ilang beses.

di kaaya-aya sa mata ang layout ng blag na ito, kung tutuusin, kahiya-hiya pa ata ang mga pinaglalagay ko sa blag na ito. subalit minabuti ko na lang ipagpatuloy ang pagba-blag ko dito, imbes na gumawa ng panibagong blag. oo, magandang bagay ang panibagong simula (dahil syempre, mayroong makalumang simula) clean slate kumbaga, wala ng pagkakamali ng nakaraan, walang kahiya-hiyang katangahan, at walang pwedeng puntiryahin sa iyong abilidad bilang blagger. oo, blagger, para tagalog na tagalog talaga.

maraming beses na kong nagnais na magsimula sa clean slate, kaya sumubok akong mag-livejournal nung mga ilang buwan nang nakaraan, pero wala talaga sa puso ko ang piliting mag-ingles doon at magpanggap na intelehienteng nilalang. maraming beses na kong umuulit at nagbabago kapag may isang bagay na ayaw ko, marahil ay yun siguro ang pagkakamali ko. oo, maganda nga na mabura ang pangit mong nakaraan, pero di mo mapagkakaila kung sino ka at ang mga pinagdaanan mo para makahantong sa kinakatayuan mo ngayon. kaya siguro hirap akong mabuhay nang naalalala ang mga pagkakamali, dahil di na ko natuto kung paano akuhin ito. at buti pa sa blagspot, may degree of familiarity, kaya di na ko mangangapa. subalit medyo nahirapan akong alalahanin ang e-mail at password ko na huling ginamit ko dito noong 2008 pa, apat na taon! isipin mo yun, sa apat na taon na yun exclusively blogging ako sa multiply ko, na ngayon ay wala nang nagbabasa. pati ito na rin siguro, pero at least ito i-a-advertise ko sa mga tao para kahit papaano magkaroon man lang ng semblance ng relevance ang pinagsasabi ko.

kaya eto, andito ako magsasalita kung pakiramdam ko'y masayadong constricting ang 140 characters or less, o di kaya't kailangang umabot ng ilang paragraphs ang nais kong sabihin. marahil ay ingles o tagalog, depende na siguro sa mood ko at sa kung ano ang binabasa ko sa panahon na yun.

eto ang muling pagbabalik ng eat me henger 

pano ko nagawa yun sa loob ng kinse minutos na baterya? hinalungkat ko yung charger ng netbook ko para lang matapos ito, ganado ako eh.

assholy

I like being an ass. it's fun, it's fun when you get into people's nerves... that way, somehow, you matter. legitimately getting heat is a success on its own.

there are certain people whom I default to "asshole mode" every time I interact with them. why? because I have this belief that if I'm an ass to certain people, I exhaust all of the assholiness within me so I can be nice to strangers and other people. this probably might not be supported by scientific evidence, but I've proven to some people that I can be both an ass and a nice guy.

so what does that make me? an asshole who pretends to be nice to strangers? or a good person who acts like an ass to his friends? I dunno, really, does it even have to matter? if it does, then let me explain this: being an asshole is a conscious decision, I think things through and do assholy things... cause being an ass alone isn't enough... it's all about being effective at your role. cause really, there is a science behind getting to people's nerves... it usually involves honesty at varying levels.

because it really is a cliche that the truth hurts... and it's important to know how to hurt people... for your own good.

punching above my weight

I'm a relatively attractive person... I have facts to prove it. no, really, I'd like to think that I'm, in some degree, attractive. but somehow, I seem to notice that I tend to attract women which are of a higher socioeconomic strata than I am.

so what? am I some guy which affluent women flock on to? I am not THAT attractive. my charm lies in... well... I really don't know specifically... that's actually a mystery I've yet to crack... which... I....well...

anyway, going back, I seem to notice that, yes, for some reason, I seem to cater to some women who have a bigger net worth than I do. not that I am bragging, despite the fact that I might seem to be doing so, but my point is: in the dynamic of the man being the provider in a relationship, how could I possibly "provide" when the woman could actually provide for the both of us without having to lift a finger? it's probably an issue of pride more than anything, I suppose. part of me sees how much of a pussy I'd be if the girl provided for the both of us, so what would I be? some kind of.... I dunno. how do guys treat women if they're the providers?

but in reality, women who provide for the man is rare. though I'd like to be involved in such a dynamic, provided how lazy I am, I just can't... otherwise, I'd end up growing old single. not unless maybe there's a desperate woman in her 50s looking for a companion until she dies, but if given the chance to hook up with someone like that, I'd politely decline cause, though I may be the type of person who does not wants everybody happy and not hurt any feelings, I just can't be lured into a relationship where I can get all the money I want.

it may sound out of character for me, but I've reached a point in my life that I am less about the money and more about the intangibles. is it maturity? have I realized already that money does not buy happiness? is it me being inundated with the crap of consumerism? is it me reading too much buddhist or hindu doctrines? I can't tell for certain, but what I do know is that money does not concern me as much as it used to...

and would probably be the reason why I won't make a good "provider" in a relationship, not unless I hook up with a hippie or a woman below my socioeconomic strata or if I hook up with such a wonderful woman who doesn't care about money and consider spending time with me is worth more than anything... but then again, that cheesy bullcrap does not exist for so long. sooner or later, reality will hit us all and break our heart-shaped glasses...

...because idealism can only get you so far until the world eats you up unless you face facts.

realizing my value

I've been in a funk for the past couple of days... weeks? month? I dunno. I've gone as far as claiming that I've lost my reason to live. well it may be true to an extent, but that shouldn't stop me from returning to my prime form and start being me again.

for the past couple of years, I've had the momentum. a girl came into my life, she was an unreachable star, I made myself better in order to become worth to that "star", someone took her away without as long as a build up as I did, and made me a very sad panda. but that does not matter anymore because if you take the latter part of the story and stopped at me being better, I can tread a different path... the path to pseudo-enlightenment.

it has been my duty as an obsessive stalker to really turn into someone worth her time. along the way, I won some hearts; hearts which I cannot claim for I've set my eyes on a different prize. but hey, not all things go your way and you'll sometimes have to take a U turn. my stock's gone up, I am a better person, I have done things that my high school self could only wish he could achieve. I stopped becoming a loser and started becoming a winner. I am a winner! yes! I AM A WINNER! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

and no, I did not ctrl+c ctrl+v that thing

it's time that I look at myself and not at my loss and see how good of a person I really am. at this point, I'd like to think that I am worth almost anyone's time. my doucheyness and weirdness show up sporadically unlike back then when I live, breathe, eat weird shit... no wait, that didn't sound right... I eat normal things, and breathe normal air... I'm just... weird at times... well you probably get the point.

and that, ladies and gentlemen or whoever happens to be reading this, is one of those instances where my weirdness come out of nowhere. I actually intended for that sentiment to really hold ground, but I rarely filter what I say, which would be apparent in my countless grammatical and typographical errors.

my point: I am a guy worth anybody's time. I'd have my pros and cons, just like everybody else, but it won't be debilitating, I guess? sometimes, I would doubt my value, like right now, but most of the time, I know what I'm worth and I am not a loser!

or at least that's what I tell myself...

I wouldn't believe you...

if you told past me, the things I've been through for the past year, past me would never believe you.

I've been around some crazy things in the past year that I never thought would ever happen to a schmuck like me. who am I really? what am I? I like a very sedentary lifestyle, boring kid, life revolves around the computer and games. one of your generic lame kids.

I am in no ways generic, I guess, I fit well into the spectrum of creepy/weird people. I've managed to work on charisma a bit. I try to project a more likeable aura than being antisocial and stuff, that probably helped me into becoming the person I am right now. apparently, the person I am right now got me the opportunities and instances where I never thought possible for me.

though I never looked into the future and possibilities that much, it's probably more of like "my past self would never believe you" kind of disbelief. cause really, the things I've gone through, the people I've met, the opportunities I've had... it seemed to me that I was the right guy at the right time in the wrong moment that probably made it into the beautiful accident that the past year turned out to be.

I do live for the unexpected. I like how my life is full of surprises. maybe if I went outside the house, things would turn out better, but I dunno. I don't want to force it, I want life to play out on its own and see where it takes me. sit back, relax, and if that internship does not work out, I always have plan B.

always.

seriously though, where is my mind?

season's over, I have no raison d'etre again.

I had countless chances, I could've taken off with her, but I blew it cause I waited too long. funny how way back then, I had no patience to wait for someone I used to like... and not I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I am never the guy that know how to do things in moderation.

but ah well, no point in sulking, screw ups happen and you learn how to live with it. this beats premarital pregnancy by a long shot anyway, so in some ways, I haven't totally lost.

it's not easy though, one does not simply get over the loss of someone whom you've been enamored with for the past couple of years. back in high school, when I first learned the word "unrequited", I used it like crazy, on things which I thought were so major for me, but nah, I'm at a point in my life where I learn the true meaning of "unrequited" and I learned it the hard way.

I've invested so much time for her, not her directly, but the idea of "her". so how does that work? I look at the takeaway. was the past 3 years a waste of time? I don't think so. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, she made me into a better person. it's funny to admit though, that the person that made me better than I had ever been was the one whom I never had the chance to actually meet and talk to...

...come to think of it, that seems much like a celebrity or a notable figure to idolize. except I didn't want to be her, I wanted to be WITH her.

wanting is one thing, actually putting in the effort to really make that dream into reality is something different altogether. something which I failed to achieve. but ah well, failures.

you just don't expect everything in life to work out the way you thought it would or you'd even want it to be... again, where is my mind?

emotional returns

I don't like being emotionally invested with people. having gone through a phase of being overtly morbid and what I got out of it is that when people die... it sucks.

and the more emotionally invested you are to someone, the more it'll suck for them to die. so my simple formula: do not invest. but how can one do that when we're wired to be social creatures? you do that by simply investing in a lot of people. logically, if you invest in a lot of people, you're unable to get deeper with them and the deeper they get into you, the harder it is to accept that they're gone. it's like having to choose over a lot of needles pricked into you like acupuncture than have a bunch of knives with teeth stuck in to you.

it's twisted, I know.

there are, however, exceptions to the rule. like for example, I can comfortably invest in people who are more likely to live longer than me. ie. children, healthy individuals. that way, it's almost certain that I won't have to mourn over their death because I'll go ahead of them. corollary from that exception, that means individuals who are most likely to die at least 15 years down the line are dangerous investments. that includes, yes, grandparents and terminally ill individuals.

it's almost psychotic, I know.

I'm a long term individual and I would like to keep the sucky-ness of life to a bare minimum. if that means not being able to experience some of the wonders of life, then so be it. I'd be happy to stay in the middle.

tweeters

lately, it takes a lot of effort from me to churn out a new blog entry. with twitter and the facebook wall, posting my thoughts is as simple as typing 140 characters. it makes sense though, cause I'm not a huge fan of reading... seriously, I haven't finished a single novel... ever. I start with the first few chapters, then I... really don't know what happens in my head. but yeah, tweeting is good, wall posts are good, I get to see what people think of, not give a fuck, and move to the next person whom I don't give a fuck either. but hey, at least I am able to read what you think of... unlike if you wrote a blog entry, there is a great chance that if you're not Lourd De Veyra or some national award winning writer, I won't be reading it.

I expect people to do the same though, I've always held unto the belief of "do unto others what you want others to do unto you". not that I'm saying that I want people to not read and care about what I think, but what I'm saying is that if I'm an ass, then it's perfectly fine with me if people are like that to me as well. I am all for equality and fairness.

but then again, the world isn't fair. nevertheless, I'd still like to make the world a better place by making it fair for everyone. I push you around and be a bully, and I equally give you the same opportunities to push me around. sound deal, right? I ruin something important for you, and I'm fine with you ruining something important from me... but then again, I'm an ass so I won't let you get to it easily.

being an ass also means being honest. lying is good when it works, but most of the time, I like being honest. I won't spend more than I usually do on shoe polish and put my best foot forward. yes, I will put my best foot forward when the situation calls for it, but I will do it in the most convenient way. though I tend to present my sucky me most of the time and reserve my good side to those who deserve it.

how the hell did I go from twitter to putting my best foot forward? ah well... it's a blog.

on being happy

I am in a state of... great fulfillment.

my expensive ass headphones is blaring the best music I've heard in a while.

no, I am not drunk, nor am I high... no controlled or illegal chemicals are in my body.

on the contrary, I just had dinner... and that's it.

Stardust's Music Sounds Better With You is as beautiful as the time when I was drunk during new year, but this time, I can feel my face and hands.bass thumping, bass booming... treble's tickling but not sibilant... the clarity of it all without having sharp edges. it's all... beautiful.

Broken Social Scene's Pacific Theme transports me into the most picturesque shoreline, despite not having any lyrics at all, every beat of the drum, every hit of the tambourine, every pluck and strum of the guitar, every bassline, every note on the synthesizer... it all speaks to me, of beauty and happiness.

I am zen

and then oh, the brass section starts to do their thing. trombones fascinate me, and when they play in harmonies it's all... beautiful.

Animal Collective's Fireworks play... it's my new year's song, but at anytime of the year, it's absurdities and percussion puts me in a trance, admittedly, I feel that I look stupid on the train when this song plays. but when the beating of the drums drive the song, you can't help but be carried away by the beat. every hit of the snare is accurate and crisp, every bang of the toms is boomy but remains in its own frequency... despite how weird it can be, it's all, okay... I am weird.

but it remains, like all... beautiful.

Kevin Drew's Aging Faces/Losing Places... it's one of those songs which remind me of the girl I like. it's needless to say that it's all... beautiful.

can I ask for anything more?

I don't know.

what I do know, however, are my limitations... I am well aware that happiness ends at a certain point. if tomorrow I'll be way wayyyy down, then so be it. that has always been the way I've gone through life... being zen about it. when life gives you cake, take it. when life gives you turd, take it. in everything there is inherent goodness because it's all... beautiful.