break up number 3

I've had at least 3 break ups in the span of 3 months. 4 if you count the "not formally in a relationship but still wanting to part ways break up"

at first it was devastating, made me tear up out of nowhere for days. and I learned to do things for myself again - something which I gave up because I was so enamored with her. but I got over it and fixed things, but then a couple of days later, it was pretty damn bad again.

the second time was just infuriating, because I had thought that going through bad times will make couples stronger and better - but that wasn't the case, it simply eroded the trust between us. at that point I was quite doubtful of the foundation of our relationship.

now's the third break up and this time it's just funny.

y'see, i'm a massive fan of dark humor, because I love laughing at absurdities of life.

and at this point I've gotten more rational - seeing that we're both victims in the relationship, seeing that i'm exerting more effort - hence being more tired, seeing how at her core she is deeply damaged and a relationship with her will be horrendously handicapped.

I strongly believe staying in love is a choice and that is going to be pretty damn hard. To like someone is easy, it's just a matter to getting to know them enough where it's easy for the both of you to not lose a lot of time and put in a lot of energy. so it's easy to appreciate, and just as easy to let go. but when you start loving someone, you go into uncomfortable territory. you're forgoing other potentially easier opportunities for superficial happiness in life because you decided to devote yourself to someone - which includes the unlikable parts about that particular person.

but i'm not just about to go romantic here - I strongly believe that you should let go of love when needed.

learn to let go of love if you're not simply strong enough for the person. learn to let go of love when you're willing to admit you're weak. and that will be fine - go for something easier, something comfortable, something that will let you cruise along.

always go for what makes sense for you - no matter how cliché or regurgitated, just be honest with yourself.

having kitkats

One of the more pathetic things in the world is depression without any apparent cause. It'd be much easier had we all had something to glom onto so we can justify why we feel bad.

But life doesn't stop for you.

You have to go through your daily routine and having to face people who don't have the slightest of ideas of what's going on in your head, people who might have their own troubles. That's why it's necessary to learn how to put up a façade that you're fine.

But more disingenuousness only pushes you further from addressing your core issue.

That's why it's important to take breaks. It's important to recover. It's important to mitigate the damage dealt to yourself.

Because sooner or later if your inner conflict goes unresolved, you'll do more damage to others when you suddenly disappear.

drawing at lines

there are things thare just simply not negotiable for me

as much as i can appear warm and welcoming, i can become abhorrently cold and distant. there are some lines i just don't allow certain people to cross. in fact, that's one of  the thingd that ended the last most important relationship i had.

and that's what's going to end this current development.

the limbo of love

you either want it or do you don't

the human brain is a capable enough supercomputer to discern when something is truly worth it. unfortunately, it's bogged down by how well it overthinks what has satisfactorily thought of and derails the entire decision-making process.

as for me, i've long decided that i'm not truly "the one", and that all i want is the perks of being thought as such. and forcing yourself to play that role is too much of a responsibility. i learn quickly enough. and moving forward, being in a place of being "there but not quite" has put me in an uncomfortably tranquil situation where i can and will make the most of a bad situation.

when you're merely de facto, and have gotten comfortable in it, being de jure stops making sense.

nous sommes somes

i speak of my self doubts online

everything must be worked for, either by your hands or by someone else. but somehow after working for something i sought out, now that it's well within my grasp, i don't feel i deserve it and that i should just step away.

maybe because i know there's something better out therr, maybe i find fulfillment in the pursuit rarher than the finish, maybe i don't truly want happiness for myself.

whatever the reason, i'm constantly faced with massive doubts. but it's not about only me anymore...

...i have someone else to consider now.

cynical forte

you never wake up the cynic in me, you just don't

i just start losing all humanity at that point and people become mere objects, easily replaceable, their worth finite. it's especially bad for important relationships in your life. it's fine if they will never know how horrifyingly detached your perspective is.

love devovles to a ticking time bomb, friendships become business deals, and charity becomes a vice. but i'm merely coming from a place of hatred towards disingenuousness. i love you now, but i'm sorry, someday i won't. i will hate your guts for every little to big mistake that compounds through the entire time we're together. and i would want you out of my life.

but while i still love you, let's make the most of it.

ultimate minimalism

the less you have, the less you worry

while there are multitudes of variables in people's lives, a universal commonality is that we all have the same amount of time in a day. some have more days than others, but as long as you survive one, we all get 24 hours.

a lot can be made with the time we have per day. the more we have to do things with, the higher the likelihood that we'll feel we've made the most of our time. it may also risk being a clusterfuck that your brain has to juggle a lot of things, perhaps more than it can possibly handle.

since having more money than my college self could imagine, if gotten a bit burned out with having a lot of the things i wanted, but not having the time for them. that's why i've been trying to a adopt a lifestyle of minimalism rooted on a likely incorrect understanding of the buddhist path to nirvana.

because i feel like i haven't been getting enough time in my life despite having the same 24 hours per day as my past self had. so I decided on prioritizing the feeling of having a lot more time on my hands. and the first step of achieving that is by learning contentment.

now the second step, that i've yet to figure out.

path of less resistance

my circadian rhythm will never allow me to ever find another lover

i have to call it quits this time around. my life isn't designed for any human being to be part of it. it has to be a massive sacrifice for either me or the other for it to fit. a balance may be possible, yeah, but with the right person.

my 2018 february will forever be known as the month where i had the least amount of sleep. but it was the best for my personal life - unfortunately at the cost of my career. and i can't afford to live that way.

something has got to give - and that something is me.

replaceable parts

i've always held the belief that i'm replaceable - no matter how special anyone makes me feel.

there's always that looming fear that other people are better at the things that i can do, and that those people can easily just swoop in and render me obsolete. that's what drives me to work harder. but there doesn't seem to be an end. being on top is not absolute, but being left behind perennial.

that's why i've resigned to the idea that i will have to be comfortably suffering in the swing of things. but that doesn't mean i'm giving up on life.

it just means i'm preparing to disappear.

i'm only what i see sometimes

you grow old and learn to adopt a degree of cynicism to survive

it's not that i've given up on what is good in the world, it's just that you get to know the people around you and understand their motivations. it may also be just me projecting my thought process to my world in an attempt to not feel alone because "at least, everyone else is doing it"

to most people, my views on what are usually good things like love, charity, and passion projects, can be sickening. but really my opinion is shaped by humans themselves. there will always be a façade of politeness because that how society works, but at our core we are way worse than we're willing to admit. we can convince ourselves otherwise, which works when you have a persona to maintain because, indeed, "perception is reality"

my bleak perspective doesn't necessarily mean an unwillingness to live happily. in fact, it's the opposite, it even helps me live happier. you learn to identify the things you have to let go and not get too invested in, you learn to not waste your efforts in trying to get a hold things that are beyond your control, you learn to be practical about how you will go about with daily decisions.

yes it's tough, it takes discipline, and most importantly, it's something you will have to keep on doing until you die.

but when you keep at it - life will be worth living.

26

there's something so vapid about birthday greetings.

it's mostly from people you don't really care about, and when you get greetings from people you truly care about, it's either from people you hate, or people you actually want in your life. unfortunately, there is a horrendously small percentage of birthday greetings that I actually appreciate.

i wish my birthdays would be like ordinary days. but they're really not. they're worse days because I have to waddle through politely interacting with people more than usual - despite having at least a couple of offenses against them in the past.

in an ideal world, all of my human relationships would be superficial and limited. cause really, i'm only as good as what i can offer to the person. do i make funny jokes? good, then let me tell you some jokes - nothing more. do i deliver well on a particular request? good, then let me do that for you - nothing more. do i make a great confidant? good, then let me listen to whatever it is you're comfortable disclosing - nothing more.

my relationships with other people turn sour the moment i fail. while there's a case to be made for endearing failures and it may be fine for you, it's not for me. i don't like the looming stress of constantly remembering that at one point, i screwed up.

that's why i love kids. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't be remembered.

that's why i love one-off friendships. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't matter later.

that's why i'm alone.

star plan: a new hope

there gets to a point where you're ready to love again.

unfortunately for me it wasn't the most ideal of situations. never are they ever in my life. i had a headstart in handling heartbreak. she is in shambles. which is a whole lot of work for me. a new romance shouldn't carry this much stress in the beginning. it should be fun, it should be carefree. of all the possibilities, i just had to gravitate to the path of most resistance.

but i could imagine it being much tougher for her. i hate any form of falling out, especially those from long standing relationships. with everyone i've helped, my recommendation was to always stick to the person no matter how hard it is. because all relationships are imperfect. to some degree they will be toxic. but love isn't about perfection. it's about having it in the both of you to work things out when it gets pretty damn tough.

look at me, preaching this crap despite not having a decent reason to give up on a previous love. nor have i had any way of proving to myself that i won't make the same mistakes. i guess i'm just coming from a place of all hope... renewed hope.

and it will always spring eternal.