tumble crumble

it gets worse when you actually get in touch with your emotions.

for the past year, i've been depriving myself of feeling any emotions. it's convenient to function like a machine - you don't get disappointed, your life doesn't get disrupted, everything is smooth sailing. but somehow everyone around me are devoid of any humanity whatsoever. it's okay when i'm the only one not showing any heart, but when its others, it becomes problematic.

when your social links become unchained, you need to forge new ones.

i'm desperately rekindling any signs of social life. unfortunately the people around me are less reliable than the flipears custom earphones i reviewed on this blog. thankfully, i'm a somewhat self-sustaining individual. every single day, i try to prove that man can, to a degree, be an island.

this honesty is me being in touch with the feelings i've neglected for the longest time.

i'm ready to face the music. bring your worst.

bilats

large groups scare me.

unless required, i don't speak up in group meetings. for the most part, the people i've met with speak just for the purpose of enhancing their brand. as far as adding to the conversation, the core of their message becomes diluted with fancy words, seemingly endearing anecdotes, and just an overall show of supremacy over the group.

my crippling social apprehensions gets the better of me.

i do however work much better in more intimate settings. it gets easier for me to talk to the person on a personal level, break down their barriers, and truly get my message through them. in instances where work truly must be done, i believe it works better, but when you have to look good, i just don't have it in me to fool an entire room of 50 people.


i do however feel like i fool people on a regular basis with my knowledge and competence.

stillness

i've always been a poser believer of zen.

there's something about letting go and letting things flow that attracts me. maybe it's me coming to terms that i cannot control everything and that zen empowers me to find comfort in not being in power. maybe it's something less pretentious than that.

maybe i just want to choose a narrative that i'm cool and all.

living in metro manila means sitting in traffic for hours on a daily basis. hours enough to finish a movie, hours enough to finish at least a quarter or half of a season of a tv show, hours enough to listen to an entire discography of a millennial musician. if there's any scenario that would best test the calming stillness being preached by zen buddhism, it's being stuck in traffic.

you have to tune out the constant bombardment of brake lights flashing, shrill laugh tracks played by overly flamboyant radio djs, or the constant crowdedness of almost every square inch of this mega city. you have to not think of the hours you're wasting on the road, the moments you're missing out on, or the accomplishments that you're failing to work towards.

i can only imagine the inner peace that one could achieve.

god knows i've always been at war with myself.