what do you feel at 3AM

and I had a short conversation with someone who means so much to me.

she now knows what to call me, I now know what to call her. it starts with that, but it's kinda funny that it took a lot of guts to type a few words on the keyboard. I was sober, and sobriety makes a coward out of me.

it started with eyes meeting

it continued on into fascination, which nowadays would be called "stalking". now that we both know what to call each other, and I can finally say "we" and "both", I'd really like to know her better. more than just what she tells me to call her, more than the images which are publicly shown, more than the conversations she has had which are as public as well. If I will settle for something, the least takeaway I'll have is getting to know her... if it ends there then at least I met someone new, and I've always subscribed to the idea that "new is always better"

so if today, what I can call her, then next time, something new, who knows?

at 4AM I'll try to sleep.... cause sleep is always good. but living out your waking life is better.

I think

and it isn't loving.

people tend to argue the dichotomy of the brain and the heart when it comes to love. realistically, it doesn't exist. the heart pumps blood and nothing more, the brain does all the "loving". but for content's sake, I really have trouble between the two... right now.

yes, it is a good feeling to be enamored with someone. you think of them a lot, your fondest memories of the person befalls you and leaves you with a smile. it is nice to love, especially when you are totally fine with the unrequited kind, which rarely happens, or maybe it only happens to me. I do not consciously seek for opportunities to determine if the person feels the same way I do because I am happy with what I have and who I am.

trouble is, I'm starting to obsess on the person so much so that it's almost intrusive to my single life. I love being single and having all the time for your friends because I've always held to the idea that "with friends like these, who needs a romantic relationship?". so despite not being committed to someone, I feel torn between the person whom I like so much and the companions I've always had.

it's kinda stupid really, probably even a laughable story? sometimes I'm TOO loyal.

I am not gonna die lonely

I have a good friend, who thinks too far into the future... he remained single for quite sometime, and the idea of not being able to marry someone scared him. so he constantly looked for a girlfriend who essentially would be his wife. as of writing, he isn't single. and he intends to marry his girlfriend... sounds weird, but he thinks too long term.

admittedly, I went through that phase. I was afraid of dying lonely and not being able to marry. though I'm fairly certain that it's everyone's fear to die lonely... but it's not a realization kids my age have. I never looked for a girlfriend whom I would marry unlike my friend. I just wallowed in the fear. I persevered though, I was able to accept and learn how to be single... eventually I even loved being single.

thus, I am not afraid of dying lonely, nor will I die lonely. I am fairly certain that at the age where everyone starts to get married, I will cave in. by then it doesn't have to be an ideal woman, as long as she's fertile. if I don't cave in however, maybe I'll end up like my dentist aunt. the only difference between the two of us, is that I am not overtly religious. maybe instead of the pets she surrounds herself to compensate of the lack of family to be with her, I will buy toys to relive the childhood my parents weren't able to afford me, though I do consider myself very lucky already. or maybe I'll start a school or a non-profit organization for kids. maybe I'll fill the void by helping the needy.

or maybe I'll die before I even get pressured into marrying...

but I'm not afraid. cause there are other things I should be afraid of... like surviving college, the possibility of dying family members, and the cockroach flying around the room.

years of waiting

and wanting, but never really taking any action... something significant happened.

I've been meaning to write something about it, but then I was... consumed by the feeling of... I dunno how to describe it.

saying that I've waited years may sound pretty long, but being realistic, it's practically just two years. for most people though, two years seems like a long time. most relationships I know don't even last a year or so, or maybe I'm just meeting the wrong people? I dunno how I managed to endure just looking at her facebook profile, itching to click the "add as friend" button. For some, they say, that adding someone on facebook isn't too much of a big deal. maybe that's why having hundreds of virtual friends is something taken for granted.

of all the things that would happen, I never expected that the moment I've been waiting for would happen on the field I play on, with the sport I grew to love, and on the day that the last thing, no... not even the last thing, it was NEVER on the list of things that could possibly happen on that day.

saturday morning... october 22... 2012

a football tournament on UST grounds, supposedly if it weren't for the rescheduling, I would've been with my mom and sister in Mindanao on the longest zipline in Asia. but no, I chose to play, because I love winning. and so there I was with my teammates, my friends, getting prepared for clobbering time. I've been there, three times at least, and rarely do I get surprises. but that day... the girl that I like so much... was there. a teammate of mine who have known that I liked her informed me that she was there, that she was going to play "keeper" and I thought he was just fucking with me, but rarely does that guy fuck with me. but there was a great sense of disbelief and I told myself "I want her to be there, but no, it's highly improbable that she'll be there" and yes, at times I do think in english.

but yeah... she was there.

never in my wildest dreams that I will get to spend the whole day with her, playing the sport I love in the university I first saw her. though I wasn't "spending" the whole day with her, I am a bad social butterfly, no, I am a social moth... for a lack of a better term. there I was reluctantly avoiding her, but wanting to get to meet her. it happens to us sometimes, maybe... sa tagalog: torpe. and I haven't had much experience with dealing with ladies. I've been trying to compensate for my lack of ladies skills by being a confidant to them, but unfortunately I still lack the basic social skills.

practically the whole day passed and I was there just staring at her when I get the chance, she's pretty... not the prettiest, but I can settle with that. cause it never gets old. I had numerous chances of not being single and getting it on with someone and be in a relationship, not to sound cheesy though but a fair warning: it will get cheesy (if this hasn't gone cheesy yet), she has always been there. though I haven't met her yet, and yes a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, I'd rather dive into the uncertainty of the bush (and no this is not a double entendre) and take the risk of remaining single hoping to get a chance with her.

I said before though, probably not here, that I love being single. it's true, unlike most people I know, not only can I survive being single, but I can be truly happy on my own. but when the opportunity presents itself with the right person... I still do not know if I should take it. I really really REALLY want to, but then am I the right man for the job? have I developed into the person that would make it work for her?

can't answer that until I really take the first step. cause realistically, friending someone on facebook isn't too much of a step.

all natural

I saw her again today.. like I always hope for. somehow, it never gets old. I see her for a few seconds and it makes my day... really, of all the things the universe can endow me, I'd settle with her recognizing that I exist. sure you can dismiss a few seconds of eye contact to be something which happens to everyone. but I tell you, it's different. you just don't meet eyes with someone for the past two and a half years without any form of familiarization with the other person. I'm pretty sure she recognizes me...

although I noticed something different... just recently it takes a while before I recognize that it's her. like: I'd be standing and I'd look at someone... and a few seconds later... it'll register in my brain that it's her. and by the time I recognize that it's her, I'd at least stared at her for 3-5 seconds. you might argue that it's just a few seconds, but no, the subconscious mind works faster than a second... so the 3-5 seconds is huge.

apart from my delayed reflexes, I also noticed something... unappealing. it's just a little thing though, something that even I can fix. I noticed her bad choice of makeup. she's a few f-stops whiter than me, but she definitely isn't white... she's light brown at best and yet she's using makeup designed for rosy white people. imagine me putting powder on my face, and the whiteness of the powder is noticeable on my brown skin. I'm no expert but I can at least tell if someone is using the wrong makeup... not because I'm gay, but because I just have too much time on my hands. but yeah, she should've used something which blends well with her skin tone... or she shouldn't have used make up, she's pretty without it.

for more makeup tips visit: http://www.youtube.com/user/MichellePhan I'll reiterate, I am not gay. okay?

numbers define who I am

it's stupid, but for some reason... it all makes sense to me. I apply for a job, the HR will look at a sheet of paper and that is how I am judged. and I never had the best looking transcript, I have grades as high as 1 and as low as 5. that one smudge, the 5, is something I'll attribute because I didn't study hard enough, I chose to do other things...

I view myself as a martyr of some sort. I have a couple of friends who are on the brink of debarment and yet I chose to help them rather than studying for a major subject. You might argue that I might've had ulterior motives, that if I helped them, I can probably get something in return. No, they're kids on the brink of debarment, what favors could they possibly return? Apart from the thank yous and whatnot, they've got noting else to give. Thus I see myself as a good samaritan, someone who'd help people in need just because they need it.

Some people might call them losers, or useless pricks, or dregs of society, but I'd rather call them underdogs... and I love underdogs. In perspective though, we're all a bunch of losers. The microcosm where underachieving kids are labelled losers is part of a bigger society where, in the grand scheme of things, those who're on top of that microcosm are the losers of a much higher society, and so on and so forth. That's why sometimes I set my desires aside because I am well aware that no matter how I try to climb the top, there will always be people up there...

and remember: the higher they get, the harder they fall.

so my counter-argument would be: together we stand, divided we fall.

cause I believe that there is strength in numbers, and if I convert some relatively worthless prick into a somewhat productive member of society, then that's one step to a better world.

so in a sense, numbers do define who I am... no, I am not pertaining to my grades and my transcript, but the number of people whose lives I've made better. thing is, when it's about love, I am very generous... I share the love to as many people as I can... and I find solace in that because...

...in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

best in the world

until I die, I'll convince myself one thing...

that I am THE...

best in the world

which in all intents and purposes isn't really the true... for most of you at least. I know no one better than I am, thus I am THE BEST IN THE WORLD. try convincing yourself that, it works very well to keep yourself from falling into a slump.

I should be disappointed and disheartened and shit cause I had my first failure... but you know what? I deserved it. I can take it... LIKE A BOSS. My transcript is forever ruined. my employment opportunities will dwindle down to less than idea jobs. but hey, I'm the BEST IN THE WORLD. and no matter how reality disproves that, it still holds some truth in me. that I am a the best a disappointing the people around me, that I am the best in pulling out a rabbit out of my hat when you least expect it, and also I am the best at being ambivalent.

ambivalence stuck to me the most cause it's what my biology teacher back in high school, the famed Danny Seguban, told my mom. I never had a name for my style, let alone knew that I had a style. "ambivalence" has a nice ring to it... but really, it's just being "inconsistent". which is true for the most part, my inconsistency has always been THE cause for frustration for the people around me. come to think of it though, I've had times where I was consistently doing something... or consistently not doing something, and that is trying to be consistent with my performance.

I always seem to fall into the trap of resting on my laurels. I do love resting... especially on laurels, but the couch is an equally good proposition as well. both prevents me from achieving something... but hey, I wanna rest, c'mon, wouldn't you want to do it too?

guilty crucibles

when dreams fail to call me I am lost in thought, deep, harrowing, lonely.

though alienating, I feel a certain sense of fulfillment. I think, therefore I am. but no, I think, therefore I lay idle. life is not remaining unmoved. life is dynamic, life must be lived and thinking hinders me to act.

I think, therefore I am doing nothing.

doing nothing leaves me with all the possibilities and none of the achievements. it's sad, really.

so if no one else will throw the first stone, I am therefore given a chance to be first. first is good, first means you're daring, bold. but being first also means taking a risk, and not having any predecessors in which to base the path you will tread.

though many have crossed the bridge, I've yet to see mine. strangely enough, I've seen the destination but not the path.

cause looks can be deceiving.

such fleeting emotions they are

Our hearts are pretty young. I don't know, I dunno. Maybe yes, maybe no, but can I really argue?

Maybe it's wrong to be young, at times it really is. But it's not really how young you are, it's how mature you act. It is also not how old you are, but it's how youthful you still feel. What is appropriate for a beating heart to reciprocate? A decade apart? A year? A month? A week? A day? Or is it that moment you lay your eyes on someone, and time suddenly...

stop

it is never really logical, rarely can you find the right rationalization. maybe it's a biological reaction? could hesitation be essential? a lot has been through the most crippling of moments, leaving you unable to act on it.

it's stupid, believe it.

but it is what makes everyone else happy. the only thing making a tricycle slow is it's third wheel. such a hindrance perhaps? but no I still cannot say that I love you. not only have I grasped the concept of love completely, but I've yet to make that first step.

a step forward? I hope

a step sidewards? I can settle for that

or a step backward?

I hope never to live in dreams of bliss, that I may be able to make it into reality... no matter how it may suck, at least it's a step forward.

because time is a fixed construct.

alas dose na

pero gising pa rin ako... not that it matters to most of you.

siguro you guys'd be all like "psh... ako nga alas tres na natutulog eh" no, di ako nakikipag-pataasan ng ihi. kung may plano sana akong makipag-pataasan ng ihi di na sana ako nag-blag. dahil tanggapin na natin, di ko forte ang pagsusulat at wala naman talaga akong ma-ishowcase sa pag-ba-blag.

pero baket ba, eh sa gusto ko makapag-blag ulet dahil... ewan. it's a medium in which I can be public about what I feel and at the same time feel that it's kept secret because let's face it, multiply blogging is dying. pero tulad ng ekonomiya ng pilipinas nung recession ng america, wala ring pinagkaiba ang amount of readers ko dito... and god damn it, parang recurring theme na sa blag ko ang mag-reklamo tungkol sa lack of readership base ko. in a way, I'm breaking the fourth wall, either that or I get a bit too meta with my blog entries.

speaking of meta, di na ko makapag-hintay na bumalik ang NBA at payagan na ng judiciary ng america na mapalitan pangalan ni Ron Artest. gusto ko nang marinig mga commentators na sabihing "Metta World Peace for three!" at makakita ng World Peace Lakers jerseys. bago ako mamatay, gusto ko rin baguhin pangalan ko... ng Double Cheeseburger Deluxe.

kelangan ko ng blag

wala akong matinong makausap sa oras na ito. kung di sabaw ang usapan, di sila mag-re-reply. pero sanay naman na ko sa scenariong yun. hmmmm... except siguro yung sabaw na kausap, kadalasan kasi di talaga nagrereply mga kachat ko eh.

pero baket nga ba natin klenagan ng kausap? baket nga ba natin kelangan ng kasama? at baket nga ba natin kelangan natin manatiling in touch sa mga tao? lalo na't uso na ang internet at sms, kahit mag-isa tayo para na ring andyan mga kaibigan o kaaway natin. sa panahon rin ng internet at sms lalong nagiging cheap ang pagiging torpe. dati-rati kapag torpe ka, upang makilala ang iniirog mo, magpapatulong ka sa mga kakilala niya. may socialization na nangyayari on a personal level, pero ngayon andali na lang mag-add... madali rin ma-reject. ang bridge mo online service, devoid of any meaningful human interaction, not unless you consider typing a meaningful human interaction... though nowadays that seems to be the trend, especially for people who practically live in the internet.

erase... ayaw kong mag-ingles.

dati-rati rin kapag torpe ka upang makapag-reach out sa iniirog mo, gagawan mo pa siya ng love letter. di pa uso emoticons nun, kaya mas formal pa dating. pero most importantly, sulat kamay at sariling papel ang gamit... in short, heartfelt pa ang pag-communicate. ngayon, ang synthetic ng feel. pwede na mag-text, pwede na mag-im, pwede na mag-poke.

dati-rati kapag torpe ka upang makilala ang iniirog mo, either kilalanin mo through her friend o kilalanin mo talaga siya. eh ngayon andali na lang mag-type ng pangalan sa google, not unless google-proof ang pangalan mo tulad ng Kenneth Fernandez. pinadali ng internet ang pag-sa-stalk, I should know dahil experto ako dito.

pero sino nga ba ako para ipagkumpara ang practices ng mga torpe noon at ngayon? oo aminado ako na modern day torpe ako. nakikita't nararanasan ko ang kung anu-anong katorpehan ng internet age. oo, madali, pero it cheapens the sincerity of your advances. pero if your online advances can translate well into the real world, good for you... eh malas ko na lang.

pero oo nga naman, kung real life ang tawag mo sa personal interaction... so ibig sabihin di real ang interaction niyo online?

sunrises

I like waking up early...

there is something uplifting about the sight of trees... sparkling... the morning dew help the trees emanate this beautiful aura.

the warmth of the sunlight kissing your cheeks as you lie on your bed. then you open your eyes and all colors are vivid. the grass is as green as it can be... and you lay there. moist. comforting.

...but unfortunately I find it difficult to get off from bed.

socially aware

it seems to me that the more social networking sites you regularly use, the better the likelihood that you do not have a real life.

either that or I am again full of shit.

but really, everything nowadays can be done online. You can make friends online, buy stuff online, be a total jackass under a shroud of anonymity online, or even have an erotic conversation with someone and say you had "sex"... it's awesome, yeah sure, but sometimes it prevents us from really connecting to other people... and no, I haven't done every single aforementioned activities.

do you really think that the friends you only talk to online is as good as a friend who's personally there with you?

probably, yeah... hmmm... most likely.

but there are things you miss when you just send instant messages to each other... such as sarcasm. it's such a difficult thing to convey using only words. well, smileys help... and maybe that desperate /sarcasm tag, but yeah... I am totally lost and I do not know what my point is anymore.

enjoy the silence.

chance encounters

sometimes you just wish that everything good in the world would just fall in place. but unfortunately, we have to work hard for whatever good you want out of life.

...or sometimes when you're lucky, maybe you're one of the few lucky individuals to be able to have good things happen to you just because you were in the right place at the right time. if so, please do not waste the opportunity given to you...

but for everyone else, I sympathize. I would also the things I like so much to just be there or at least the opportunity to be able to be with whatever I like so much, in the proper context.

*whispers something to you*

change for a dollar?

am I really that creepy? probably yeah, I've always been known to be offbeat and generally unwelcoming... but we're beings capable of change, am I not? I am pretty certain that I am not the most consistent person on the planet, ergo I can change...

...the question is, do I want to change?

for the right reasons, maybe. but sometimes change is something which happens spontaneously, you'd be surprised you're put into situations which isn't what we wanted nor expected but we have to adapt.

but unlike science, there is no specific formula to follow. you change according to what you are capable of, according to what you allow yourself to... and I am sounding like a self-help book. no, I am not in the market for helping others... if it happens, it happens; if it doesn't, then I might make it happen.

I have my eyes set on you.

everybody lies

I seemed to have grown numb with lies. its like when I hear people lying to each other or worse, people lying to me, I just... am not affected as much as I am supposed to be. cause our natural tendencies dictate us to really really get disappointed or pissed when being lied to... but not me.

but really, what sucks about being lied to is that intrinsically we all want to be part of the truth because the world is full of uncertainty as it is, and it hurts us to be disconnected from the truth or reality just because others withheld the truth from us.

it sucks, yeah... but c'mon, you just gotta learn how to accept that at any point during your conversation with someone, they're bound to lie...

cause grief ends in acceptance.

home front

the multiply blog has always been my home...

although I started blogging on friendster and then on blogger, I seemed to have blogged the most on multiply. and I feel like I should start blogging again, cause I have a lot to say even though nobody really is interested... the character limitation on facebook status updates is pretty castrating, although it ain't really a blog to begin with. but yeah, I'd rather blog in this niche.

cause blogs are supposed to be online journals where people couldn't care less about what you write... and THIS... an online journal which nobody reads! its genius! it gives the illusion of being a public journal but remains private because... well in order for something to be public there must be a populace, and apparently everyone are either using facebook or tumblr...so... YEAH!

I wish I can be more articulate but I just can't right now...

osom

is a letter short of the woman's mammary glands.

and here I go again being inappropriate... I've always been anyway.

and here I go again using ellipses... as I've always been as well.

no, I am not back to my old self... or who knows. I lost my ability to type without ellipses, and... there. and I use a lot of 'I's in my blog entries... I just don't know why I can't control my excessive use of... I.

dunno.

no, I am not under the influence of any chemical... hmmm... probably I am. but not something illegal... cause being sober is OSOM.

this will be a quick read, I promise.

read

then its quick.

tae, I like her.

shit, gusto ko siya.

kahit gano karami ang i-tukso saken o ang matipuhan ko, di ko magawang ibaling ang tingin ko sa iba.

ilang blag entry ko na sigurong kine-kwento ang babaeng tinatawag ko lang na 'this girl I like so much', ayaw ko pang sabihin pangalan niya dito. baket? una, kasi I might jinx my pursuit. at panglawa, she doesn't have the most google-proof name. parang i-type mo nga lang sa google yung pangalan na she's commonly called, 1st page pa lang lalabas na kaagad friendster profile niya.

ancheesy oo, pero masyado akong torpe para lapitan siya out of nowhere at magpakilala.

olats ako sa mga taong may gusto ako. although generally olats talaga ako sa mga babae, sadyang mas olats ako kapag may pagtingin ako. dahil... ewan. ano nga ba kinakatakutan ko?

naalala ko tuloy yung pelikulang Groundhog Day kung saan paulit-ulit na gumigising sa isang araw si Bill Murray. sa pelikulang iyon ko napagtanto, what's stopping me from doing certain things? then it hit me... CONSEQUENCES. mas malakas ang loob ni Bill Murray gumawa ng kung anu-anong bagay nung nalaman niyang stuck siya sa groundhog day, kasi bukas parang walang ring nangyari, alaala na lang ng araw na isasabuhay niya pagkagising niya ulet.

kaya tanongin natin, sa ka ba takot?

sa rejection?

takot ka dahil?

maaring pag nakita niya ulet ako eh may awkward na atmosphere?

pano ka nakakasigurong mangyayari yun?

di naman talaga ako sigurado eh, isa yun sa posibilidad.

pero baket yun yung iniisip mo kaagad?

kasi pessimist ako.

at sa tingin mo ba magkakatuluyan kayo sa ganyang attitude?

pag nagkaroon ng mirakulo, oo.

ayun nga, kaso nga lang minsan mo na lang siya makita at minsan lang rin mangyari ang mga mirakulo, kaya sobrang slim na yung pagkakataon na mangyari yan.

ngunit naniniwala akong may ginagawang paraan ang universe para magkatuluyan kami!

ang fanny mo! but seriously, ano hinihintay mo? groundhog day?

hmmm... oo nga 'no. maghihintay ako para sa groundhog day! pero di yung literal na sa bawat pagtulog ko eh magigising ako sa parehong araw at maging stuck sa isang cycle. walang napapala ang ganun! kaya hihintayin kong magkaroon ng pagkakataon na non-factor na ang consequences ng actions ko!

at kelan naman yun?

pagka-gradweyt niya sa uste!

seriously?! maghihintay ka ng isa pang taon para magpakilala? pano?

sa peysbuk, mag-me-message ako sa kanya. or sabihan ko yung 8 naming common friends na sabihan siya.

sa tingin mo ba epektib yan? and besides, isang taon yun pare! sa tingin mo ba maghihintay siya para sa stalker? ang masaklap pa dun, di ka pa super hot o accomplished sa buhay! lousy pare.

pero... ewan. bale sa tingin mo kelangan ko nang magpakilala as soon as possible?

the sooner the better syempre. para pag nag-fail ka ngayon, di ka manghihinayang sa panahong sinayang mo at mas mabilis kang makakahanap ng iba. o better yet, mas mabilis mong marerealize na tatanda kang binata!

siguro nga, walang nararating ang mga di nagkukusa. kumbaga in english, you can't get there if you don't take the first step.

no, don't think of it that way. you've already taken the first step. no matter how creepy it may sound like, getting to know her without her knowing it (read: stalking) is a first step. now you have to take another step forward! or if you think stalking her for almost a year is the other step I was pertaining to, then take the leap.

I guess so... yeah. thanks. if only you weren't just some fabricated persona which makes me look... schizophrenic.

but anyway, that conversation just made me... more than creepy. cause being a stalker alone is creepy in itself, but talking to oneself in a public blog? that's just... disturbing.

disturbing enough to make me want KFC.

y'know, truth is...

...it ain't absolute.

no matter how real something feels like. for all we know everything is an illusion. when we dream, we rarely are aware that we are dreaming until we wake up. we are aware that a dream is just a dream because it never has any form of continuity, whereas in the waking world, most often than not, we lie on the same bed we fell asleep in. until we fall asleep again and probably dream, a dream is but an episode of unknown origin, and purpose.

*this is where science ends and fictional literature begin*

a year ago today, I kept having frequent dreams of a girl I like so much. never had I experienced dreaming of the same person again and again and again. I then dismissed it as my subconscious satisfying my need to be with the girl. but a semester after, I was heavily engrossed with Hindu philosophy... every thought and action was influenced by Hindu beliefs. so then I developed this idea, given the assertion that the universe (Brahman) and our soul (Atman) flows as one, that dreams are messages of the universe to us.

thinking that the universe foreshadows what will happen, I started to develop an Islamic notion of surrendering to the will of Allah.

woah... wait, Allah? I thought we were talking about Brahman and Atman?

I believe in a pluralistic god. same god, different names from different cultures. I think its the god which remains the same, but its the culture in which the religion grew in which molds the dogma associated to the religion.

so I believe that all religions each have truth in them, some may contradict each other, but there will always be one unifying notion of something to hold on to because there really are things which we can't explain. science and empiricism gets the job done to a certain extent, but things deemed foolish by intellectuals such as faith and freak occurrences called miracles are what religion is there for.

I used to be some pseudo-intellectual who believed that god didn't exist and eventually doubted the non-existence of a god. now look at me, a kid who does not only believe in a god, but a few other more. it sounds absurd, but really, life can take a convoluted turn and change you into someone you didn't knew could possibly exist.

who knows? we probably are wrong after all.

masyado nang maraming namumrublema

baket pa ko dadagdag diba?

kahit sabihin na nating di talaga kagandahan ang buhay at worth ranting siya. pero why bother? masyado nang maraming gusto dumada ng dumada at wala na atang natitirang taong handang makinig.

fortunately, isa ako dun.

kadalasan na lang, pinapakwento ko yung mga kaibigan o kasama ko. tapos ganun na yun hangagng huli, puro siya na lang nagsasalita.di naman sa minamasama ko ang kung sino mang maraming gustong sabihin o sinasabi, kung tutuusin mas gusto ko pa ngang maging katulad nila.

kaya siguro ako na lang lagi yung nakikinig kasi wala talaga akong masabing may katuturan. prime example na siguro blag ko. kung tutuusin naman kasi dito lang naman ako naglalabas ng hinaing at di sa kaibigan dahil #1: mauuna pa silang mag-salita bago ako, #2: sabaw ako lagi, #3: I have trouble organizing my thoughts, and #4: magkwe-kwento lang naman ako para magpatawa.

unless na lang malapit kitang kaibigan, at ku-kwentuhan... actually hinde... kumbaga eh, kapag malapit kitang kaibigan, para kang writer ni Thomas Aquinas. dahil siyempre ayon sa Philo prof ko, ang style daw ni Thomas Aquinas eh meron siya iba't ibang secretary na handang isulat ang kung anu mang pumasok sa isip niya depending on the topic. parang may secretary siya para sa metaphysics, o sa theology, o sa proof of god, o whatever. to put it in simple terms, bino-bombard ko sa mga theories ko ang mga malapit kong kaibigan.

at least di ko sila bino-bore sa problema ko na paki ba talaga nila kung sabihin ko. as if naman may mapapala sila pag nalaman nilang may problema ako. cynical, oo. pero ganun ako.

i believe in god the father almighty

no, seriously... he speaks to me... by making shit happen to me.

cause a while ago during a family dinner with my aunts and cousins and all, I kept on saying "HAIL SATAN!" and after repeating the line every time I try to do something greedy on the dinner table, shit happened!

...my cheap touch screen phone got drenched in soda
...I slipped and my shin got hit by hard wood, and so did my head.
...and I go scorched by my uncle's cigarette.

GOD IS TELLING ME TO STOP HAILING SATAN!

...the last incident was a reminder how hot hell is!
...the 2nd incident was a reminder how I will be bludgeoned by satan's minions!
...and the 1st incident was a reminder that satan will take all of my possessions away!

those are 3 incidents... the number of absoluteness! THE HOLY TRINITY! 3 + 3 = 6 make it 3 digits... its 666!

666 IS REAL!

actually it gets creepier.. creepier.. mehehehe

before we left the place, a group of religious people was watching a documentary entitled...

666 IS REAL

SERIOUSLY GUYS, if that wasn't God speaking to me... its the Universe.. its Brahman! but point is these incidents are too creepy to just be dismissed as a coincidence. think about it... REALLY REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

or just don't think about it, thinking and religion never did go too well together.