pers year part 2

at kumpleto na ang grades ko ngayong sican sem..

Subject Name	Description	Grade
ENG 2	READING & THINKING SKILLS FOR ACADEMIC STUDY	2.5
MATH 101	COLLEGE ALGEBRA	2.75
PGC	PHIL GOVERNMENT AND CONSTITUTION	2.0
PHL 2	LOGIC	2.75
LIT 102A	PHILIPPINE LITERATURES	2.5
HST 101	HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION I	2.0
ECO 202	PHILIPPINE ECONOMIC HISTORY	3.0
THY 2	CHURCH AND SACRAMENTS	3.0
PE	BASIC VOLLEYBALL	2.0

there is an across the board decrease in grades... and it is not the best thing ever..

because.. really.. I want to transfer to the UP Film Institute.. but my dad wants me to go to law school and shit... yeah sure.. I'm fine with going into law school I'd beat those motherfuckers up.. but I feel like I should be taking up Film or any other visual art course which isn't at CSB..

but with a GWA of 2.422... I'd find it difficult I suppose.. very difficult.. cause I heard that the required GWA is 2.. and my theology and PE subjects won't be credited.. so... that's good and bad.. considering that my lowest grades come from Theo 1 and Theo 2.. and because my highest grade was from PE 1.. PE 2 was so-so...

and I'd also like to really study in college.. cause with my class.. I still feel like I'm in a substandard high school.. well maybe when I am with some of my favorite classmates I do get to feel that college vibe.. but during the 4-6 hours in class.. it feels like high school... I guess its the uniform or the attitude... but it all feels like high school to me...

I can't blame them I suppose.. they're fresh from high school.. or maybe I just need to deal with people of different upbringing... cause its fucking difficult..

the people around me are generally unable to read between the lines... they tend to not understand what I am implying... its fucking difficult.. I find solace in the fact that some people do know how to read between the lines and understand my sarcasm and my humor... but really.. college seem worse than high school...

or maybe I need a change of scenery... dabble in the conservatory.. shift to applied physics.. go for philosophy.. or get out of the university altogether...

some people would be happier... I suppose..

greetking

simula siguro nung nag-peysbuk na ko ay exponential ang increase ng mga bumati saken...

sa kapanahunan ng prenster at multiply ay wala gaanong bumabati... siguro kasi di ganun ka-laki ang linalaan ng panahon ng mga tao sa prenster at multiply keysa peysbuk.. kaya di nila natatanggap ang mga birthday reminders... or sadyang simple ang proseso ng pag-bati sa peysbuk kaya mas marami akong natatanggap...

ayos naman

di katulad ng last year.. di ko bibilangin ang mga bumati saken.. sapagkat hassle na lang ito at di na nakakatuwa... tska as if naman may mga magbabasa pa nito

kaya ang nais ko lang naman ipaabot sa mga bumati at sa mga di nakakaalam na bertdey ko pala kahapon.. eh.. ano.. uhmm.. age is just a number... haha.. and birthdays are overrated

siguro kung nabuhay ako sa isang mundo kung saan di ipinagdiriwang ang mga kaarawan.. tulad ng mundo ng The Giver ni Lois Lowry.. di ako madidismaya...

or sadyang bitter lang ako dahil wala naman kasing nangyayari sa mga kaarawan ko kaya parang normal na araw na lang ito saken...

and... nothing ever seem to make sense.. or at least we try to make sense out of the random occurrences of life.. and it turns out to be some fantastic story which we create and shit

drama rama

pero di.. joke lang

naisip ko na ring maging altruistic... kaya nagpakain ako at nagimbita ako ng mga kaibigan.. siguro simula na yun... eventually sana ito'y mag-snowball

because most often than not.. I feel empty... things which should or shouldn't feel good.. don't affect me at all.. or maybe it does but I don't feel anything... I feel numb... but when I become altruistic... I don't feel as empty.. no, I do not have suicidal tendencies... I am waaaaaaaay past that stage.. I just always feel empty.. like life doesn't seem to have any purpose..

yes there are things which I am supposed to do.. like graduate, get my own place, and be financially independent... but it all seems routine.. its something that everyone else does.. and I don't want life to be some huge cliche.. which is the case for everyone I suppose...

its stupid really.. to not conform... because you already know what works.. but I dunno... I just don't want to be like everyone else.. but apparently my course choice says otherwise.. the mere fact that I am studying in college says otherwise.. if I really don't want to be just like everyone else.. I should get into the mountains and write as much as I'd want to and maybe I'll turn into this post-post-post modern philosopher or some shit...

I dunno... nothing ever makes sense... when you're looking at your feet

happy bitterday

oo bitter ako pag bertday... di kasi ako mahilig na gini-greet ako sa bertday... ewan ko ba kung baket... siguro kasi ayaw ko ng feeling na parang star ako... taong sidelines kasi ako eh.. at mahiyain.. unless naka-down na ng ilang drinks

intially plano ko sanang burahin ang bawat wall post sa peysbuk ko na i-gree-greet ako ng happy birthday... dahil bitter nga ako.. haha.. pero nung nakita ko na pati si Bea Dawn Casabar nag-greet... parang... waw.. err... I haven't talked to her in ages.. and.. yeah...

parang naisip ko.. minsan na nga lang kami magusap tas i-de-delete ko pa...

pero tae.. minsan lang ako magkaroon ng wall post sa peysbuk eh.. mga update lang sa Playstation Network trophies.. kaya parang nung kapanahunan ng presnter.. kung saan buong taon akong may testimonial na may nakasulat na happy birthday na nakadisplay sa profile ko... nakakairita lang isipin na buong taon na ipapaalala sa'yo na pag birthday ka lang inaalala ng mga tao... at sa buong taon ay walang mag-bibigay sa'yo ng testimonial.. every april 7 lang talaga.. tapos happy birthday lang rin nakasulat.. tae.. magpopost ulet ng happy birthday sa testimonial only para matanggal yung mga last year's happy birthday testimonials na naka-display sa profile mo...

the sad state of being a non-sociable person... kaya dapat di nag-so-social networking sites ang mga katulad kong tahimik na nilalang eh.. kasi lalong mapapatunayan na walang pumapansin saken.. kahit magpapansin pa ko...

at kung meron mang pumansin... isa o dalawa lang.. swerte na ko pag may tatlong taong pumansin...

the internet perpetually holds my youth

is it too late to realize that?

apparently multiply isn't the most private thing on the web.. nothing is every private on the web actually.. every bit of information stored in a network.. the next god

unfortunately I haven't been putting my best foot forward on the internets and eventually deranged people with nothing else better to do can dig up dirt on me... cause online I am this sick freak which blurts out an almost infinite amount of randomness

so I don't think I can be this big leftist hero I dream to be.. cause I've been immortalized on the web.. or at least the jackassery of my early youth.. nobody wants a jackass leftist revolutionary do we? oh wait... all of them are

so it leads me to wonder... should I be afraid of people digging up all of those dirt? I seem to be full of dirt on my own but with more dirt it will only cascade into one big piece of crap

not unless I become public property I suppose.. but being heavily involved with the internet I already am public property.. with all the information I put into friendster, multiply, myspace and facebook..

we, the users of social networking sites, are guinea pigs... the internet is fairly new.. and who knows how the information we put into these sites can be used against us?

and so I pose the question... how important is information?

without information what happens? with information in the wrong hands... what happens?

I am not afraid of my stupid antics of past be used against me... people can try to assassinate me as much as they would want to.. I am only little...

but what I am afraid of is what happens on a bigger scale... do we lose privacy thanks to the internet?

...how valuable is privacy really?

pers year in retrospect part 1

so yeah... I didn't fail any subjects this year... no summer classes to attend to... goodbye for now 1eco1

looking back... being a freshman again wasn't the best experience... but certainly isn't the worst.. this school year had its ups and downs... but being the optimistic fuck that I truly am, I see the beauty in a lot of things with bambi eyes and child-like naivete..

this year had no challenges.. really.. no matter how difficult things seemed to be... class was easy as a four to six hour class could get.. homeworks were almost non-existent.. quizzes were as simple as primary school... and the fucking exams were easier than what I took in high school... everything was a breeze... maybe except the 1st sem economics recitation under ma'am Estacio.. which was as nerve wracking as Atty. Lorenzo's socratic method of teaching.. my 2nd sem theology professor Atty. Dator didn't do justice to the teaching method used in law schools.. he was borderline irrational.. he seems to ask for opinions with questions such as "is God real?" but he was pretty much asking for St. Thomas Aquinas' Quinta Viae.. that was fucking frustrating.. and I got a grade of fucking 3 from him...

the only hurdle for me was the ever so present lethargic disposition I've always had... I can never seem to get rid of that.. and because of it there were perceived challenges which weren't really there at all to begin with...

the kids in my class were generally bearable.. with some exceptions.. but not to worry the tolerant fuck is here to tolerate everything in this world... because life ends at 20...

but yeah.. there were a bunch of cool cats in class... the first one I was able talk to was Luis Mata... the motocross dude from Davao who hated everything in manila.. although I seemed to have fucked up and he hated me eventually... oh well.. lesson learned I suppose.. but even if that kid hates my guts I wouldn't hate his.. cause he reminded me of an old friend of mine...

the next cool cat would be Zai Seng Kaew.. the Burmese guy which a bunch of girls hated cause of his stench.. I can't blame them.. even I had my apprehensions.. but after putting on some roll on he was of the most intellectual guys I've ever talked to... its maybe because he's 24 already.. but its just amazing how intellectual our lunch conversations would get.. but I heard he's planning on transferring to Hong Kong University or something... so another cool cat down the drain...

yes steady eddie, I am using jazz lingo..

among the many ladies in class... Trizzia Marie Lim is probably one of my favorites.. yeah.. she's a cool cat... she and I don't seem to hang out at all.. but there is something about her that makes me click with her effortlessly.. like.. I can be myself with her and not feel like some douchebag.. maybe its something with kids of Benedictine upbringing or whatever but she's definitely a cool cat..

and the last cool cat this year is my black friend Richmond Akalugwa.. I kinda view him as the better version of me.. although I do not have aspiration on being black.. I want to look like some pacific islander kid.. but yeah.. he and I share a lot of simillarities but at the same time have a lot of differences.. its a good mix really.. and that makes him a cool cat

..but yeah.. I started doing this blog entry at around 8 in the morning.. and its 4PM.. I've been distracted too much.. I need to do part 2

summer, please do not bore me...

you've pretty much heard it more than a thousand times that summer tends to be boring...

and desolate... really.. cause I haven't had much contact with the human race.. the only times I get to talk is when I blurt out a half-witted remark about something on TV.. which nobody reacts to...

I really need to go back to school.. walk around the 21 and a half hectares of land.. under the searing heat... and eat as much cheap meals I could.. and go to my nigerian friend's pad... and sleep on his couch... while he blasts loud hip hop beats which seems pretty effective when I need to doze off for a while...

unfortunately, along with no human contact except my family.. I also have to live below the poverty line... cause it sucks.. to not be able to go to other people's houses because you have to spend so much just to get there... and so much more just to go back home...

so I don't have anyone to talk to... no money to spend... and no sponsors for any of my oh so very fun activities...

the only thing I can do is playstation, kick a small ball around my bedroom, use my mum's laptop while she's not around cause my PCs broken, and eat... and sleep.. and read whatever stuff there is in my other room.. unfortunately its such a chore to read The Absolute Sandman cause it feels like I'm gonna tear a page off every time I turn it...

the good part about all of this is I can enjoy the scenery... blue skies, green green grass of home, and the cold wind... cold wind yeah.. its summer time!

maybe I need to get a job or something.. or something to do.. something worthwhile.. cause ever since I graduated high school life doesn't seem to be worth living anymore.. I'm not going all emo and shit here... life is getting boring and stuff... opportunities in this country is way below zero and I am lazy as fuck so that plus that is one big waste of resources...

well I can sleep I suppose.. and go into the dream world.. maybe there I'll be able to see the girl I like so much... cause apparently I dreamt of her last night and I was able to talk to her.. something I might not be able to do in real life unless I've downed some drinks already... getting all chatty and confident and shit...

speaking of the girl I like so much.. I was able to find out her name and other things about her.. I did some detective work.. cause I am an online super sleuth.. I won't be revealing any other information about her here cause I've already committed some security breach.. and I wouldn't want to reveal too much of my identity... so allow me to call her the girl I like so much...

and I am going to sleep.. hoping to see her there cause life is boring here

ang stirero kong kaklase... bow

di ako directly involved sa mga panche-chenes ng mga kaklase ko kay James Louis Vital.. ang compulsive liar...

pero nakikita ko ang development sa isyu... nababasa ko ang mga usapan ng mga kaklase ko sa peysbuk at other stuff... kaya itong blag entry na to ay tungkol lamang sa stirero kong kaklase at ang kanyang demise...

Ang Stirero Kong Kaklase
sa panunulat ni: Boyet Poblacion
based on factual events

         ako'y isang studyante ng uste... isang undergraduate, liberal arts major sa economics... at ako'y may isang kaklase.. isang kaklaseng mahilig magkwento.. isang kaklaseng may malawak na imahinasyon.. at isang kaklaseng may problema.

...siya si James Louis Vital.. at ang tawag ng mga kaklase ko sa kanya ay James ngunit mas gusto ko siya tawaging Vital... kung baket ganun? nakakatamad pang i-justify.. at kung malaman niyo man ang dahilan ay wala itong significant na maitutulong sa development ng kwentong ito... dahil ano ba naman ang paki niyo sa iniisip ko kung ang storyang ito'y tungkol sa mga ginagawa ni Vital.

May ipapakita siyang picture, siya at isang babaeng sobrang puti.. old school.. naka-print pa.. mapapansin mo kaagad na ito'y lumang letrato.. nung panahon na uso pa ang mga de-film na camera.. sasabihin ni Vital na syota niya yun.. model daw ng icool na chewing gum.. at graduating student sa FEU..

barely legal

and in a few days that won't be the case... cause the age of consent here in the Philippines is 18.. right?

but yeah.. I won't be throwing some crap ass uninspired event or whatever.. I'd stay at home.. feed people.. let them play rock band or singstar or fight night.. something of the sort... I'd like my birthday to be about me... the altruistic me which doesn't show himself except ever once a year... which seems to be it...

meh.. I kinda don't want to call it a birthday or something.. sounds childish or something... lets just call it April 7... cause it kinda sounds cool and all with the number and the ambiguous meaning and shit...

but yeah... as it has always been April 7 will remain to be an underground elitist event.. so like... I won't be reminding everyone to go... I'd do things nonchalantly so I get to separate those who care from those who join bandwagons and stuff...

and as it has always been.. I will conceptualize shit on my blog which will never come to fruition but still.. if it were true that'd be kickass wouldn't it?

since I'd be 18.. and yes I am old and can buy magazines and liquor and can now go into movie houses which requires you to have tissues.. I feel like serving liquor.. although I wouldn't want anyone to get drunk... just high or a bit chatty.. no throwing up and shit... cause if you did.. I'd make every guest to kick you hard in the nuts..

and since I don't want anyone to get drunk.. the liquor budget will be spent on something which totally drain it in one purchase... so I am torn between Jagermeister and Hennessy...

since I love food and eating food.. I want April 7 to be more about the tastebud experience and less about who's celebrating it... so I'm thinking of serving my all time favorite dishes on the day even if they're not coherent or something...

so I'd be ordering in bulk from Mang Tootz.. like sisg and banana rama and shit... and I'd be serving some Mirjam style mashed potatoes.. then serve an extremely cheesy pizza on soft tortilla with lotsa blue cheese.. man that'd be awesome..

cause really now.. I'd like the activities on April 7 to have an underlying meaning.. like some symbolic type of shit..

so here's a little game... can you tell me the significance of those things to me and why?

nagrereview sana ako...

...pero math exam ko bukas at babagsak naman ako..

tska na-distract ako sa mga kaklase kong binabash ang kaklase kong compulsive liar... itago na lang natin ang kaklase kong compulsive liar sa pangalang James Louis Vital...

at marami siyang kwentong barbero.. at naiirita ang mga kaklase niya... pero ako hinde...

ewan.. namanhid na siguro ako sa mga compulsive liars.. kaya parang saken balewala na lang yung pagsisinungaling nung kaklase kong yun.. kaya pinapabayaan ko na lang yung mga kaklase kong pagusapan siya... dahil ayaw kong maging parte ng downfall ng isang tao... I am a nice guy and girls just like that.. okay.. TV reference na di mo siguro nagets...

mas mainam na yung tao na mismo sumira sa sarili niya.. at siya lang talaga.. wala nang ibang sisira sa kanya dahil... why kick someone who is already down?

love eat

blog

...I shall try to revive you.

no, this won't be politically charged.. cause I'm too stoned to even think...

pero di ko gets kung ano kinalaman ng mga nagawa o gagawin ni Bong Revilla sa senado dun sa campaign chorva niya sa TV... parang.. hello? litrato ng mga taong natapatan ng camera kaya ngumingiti? mga Ondoy pictures lang ata pinapakita niya dun eh... pero seriously... ikaw idol ko... tapos? legislator ka? di ko gets men kung pano mo gagawin trabaho mo...

buti pa yung patalastas ni Ralph Recto eh... nandun yung gagawin niya in yellow and red... kaso nga lang may sinabi siya tungkol sa bababa ang persyo? teka.. ayon sa fuzzy memory ko sa basic economics mabuti sa bansa na tumataas ang presyo ng mga bilihin... inflation ata tawag dun... kita mo nga amerika antaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin nila eh... maganda naman ekonomiya nila... o baka may mga mas nakakaalam sa topic na yan.. hopefully sana economics major rin

waw.. andami ko na palang na-type...

plano ko lang sana chuimka tungkol sa buhay ko at sa posibleng pag-summer class ko... pero crap.. wala na ko sa mood mag-kwento...

alright! gesundheit!

I am not a fan of Noynoy...

...but I'd vote for him

I was never really a fan of expecting people in government do to much for the betterment of our lives. I have always believed in the power of the private sector, and by private sector I mean the tycoons of foreign descent... and the richest pure filipino is a politician.

anyway

I'd vote for Noynoy not because I want to see him in office... cause honestly I'd really be voting Erap just for the heck of it... I'd be voting for Noynoy because I don't want Villar to win...

Villar's victory in the coming elections will prove that once again we filipinos are easily swayed by gimmicky advertising... thus proves that we haven't learned from our mistakes..

although even if Villar wins, I don't think it'll be the end of the world.. although the frequent earthquakes seem to suggest that the Mayan prophecy might be true..Villar will definitely use his powers as head of state to benefit his businesses... "kung gusto pang yumaman pa, babalik na lang ako sa pagkanegosyante".. oh yeah? I dare you to stop all operations from all businesses you own or involved with..

the scary part of him winning the elections and him proposing more projects to benefit his businesses is that the Villar name could probably become more prominent than any other clan in the Philippines.. thus perpetuating Villar's hold on the filipinos.. its like Marcos and the Conjugal Dictatorship part 2

but what I am really afraid.. or maybe not afraid.. like.. will be saddened when Villar wins is that it proves how the power of the mass media can do a good job of brainwashing or mind controlling us... we are under the power of radio signals

an evil guy seated in the government can be ousted with the people power. but when its the media we are talking about.. its something out of science fiction...

and when science fiction turns into reality.. now that is scary...

uber helfen

tangina...

di ko ma-ayos ang sarili kong buhay... ewan ko ba kung baket... tangina talaga

siguro dahil lang ito sa kalayaang kaakibat ng pagiging college student.. pero shit.. di talaga ako pwede sa ganito... sobrang malaya ako at sobrang dami ng distractions...

o baka sadyang natatakot lang ako kaya di ako makapag-focus... ayaw ko sanang mag-summer... kung pwede lang sana.. bumagsak ako tapos di ako magsusummer... kasi shit.. grades lang yan eh... paki ba ng kumpanyang pagtatrabahuhan ko pag may 5-6 years na ko ng working experience sa transcirpt of records ko... tangina talaga

napapatagalog at napapamura ako sa blag ko.. kaya seryoso na talaga ako.. although mas muka pa atang seryoso ang tono ko pag ingles ang blag entries ko... whatever...

puta... sobrang nagsasayang ako ng oras eh... alas kwatro na dito.. at kaninang alas siyete ng umaga plano ko sana eh mag-aral ako ng math buong araw... mula grade school math hanggang college algebra.. pero sa kalagitnaan.. nawalan ako ng pag-asa at tumigil na ko...

di epektibo ang plano kong takutin ang sarili sa pamamagitan ng pagkakaroon ng bagsak na prelim grade... kaya kelangan ko ng dominatrix.. haha... shit.. kahit anong pilit kong gawin di ko talaga kaya mag-seryoso sa buhay...

tanginang laki ng problema ko sa buhay amputa...

isa akong malaking patapon... promising sana ako nung grade school eh.. andaming mga teacher na nagsasabi saken na matalino naman daw ako at kaya ko daw mag top one... putang ina... dahil dun mas lalo ako naging complacent.. putang ina.. I lost the will to prove something because people were telling me I had the potential... and it somewhat made me feel like I was able to prove something... though it may not be manifested by awards or whatever.. but in some way it existed...

kaya I don't blame anyone... hearing those things from my past teachers telling me that I had the potential made me think that they might be saying that to every other kid...

sounds like self-pity I guess... I dunno what to call it... but yeah.. I am one of the world's disappointments... but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other people like me... people who had the potential but because of the lack of discipline wasn't able to live up to what people expected from them...

I think at the end of the day... it is one's discipline that matters.. no matter how intelligent a person is they will falter without discipline...

is it too late to have discipline? and how does one develop or get it? is it something which comes from within or something an external entity should impose?

I fucking need to get out of Economics and get into Philosophy

broken spatial scene

I need serious help... seriously...

on my own I can't seem to function properly.. especially when I have to deal with math subjects and the threat of doing summer classes..

math seems easy.. y'know.. there's just a huge gap in my brain which hinders me from solving equations...

or I dunno... I did well in my Physics during my senior year...

I dunno what the fuck is my problem.. really... like... I find it easy to solve mathematical problems which I can relate to in real life.. but put a set of fucking symbols in front of me and tell me to simplify that motherfucker... then I'd be fucking clueless...

the math I have trouble with is the math which doesn't seem to have any relevance in my life... like algebra and whatever fuck there is in my math book...

I wish I can go back to senior year and do more Physics.. at least that is something which makes sense.. something practical... but I'm doomed to do math until god knows when since I am an economics major... next year it will be calculus and some investment math or statistics or whatever... but at least investment math makes sense... statistics is better than algebra.. and calculus? err.. it has something to do with algebra.. but how bad could it possibly be? it has graphs and all..

although it also occurred to me that students study algebra not because of the (lack of) practicality...  but because it develops our ability to comply to rules.. which is in a structured environment (ie workplace) is ideal... because free spirited individuals are better off being entrepreneurs than rank and file...

although I think some, if not most, of my classmates are passing math because they help each other by sharing answers to quizzes and homeworks and exams... that's commendable.. seriously... its true that it develops teamwork.. an important skill in the workplace... but it also fosters an unethical work ethic...

that's why I was too lazy to copy assignments from others during the prelims... cause I had this notion that I must keep my integrity... but I got fucked and now I am forced to go against my belief... but oh well.. life is screwed up anyway... there is no point in living anymore

raba spit

a life of balance is doomed to be a boring one...

so I guess I should get used to how things which makes me very happy will eventually lead to an extremely harrowing situation which I should juggle with daily routine...

its that or I live a life in between everything.. no pain to experience and consequently, no memorable experiences which makes life worth living...

so I say I live a life of passions and hurt and not to stay in between... otherwise I'll be wasting years of my relatively short life... I don't want to waste time anymore... cause on the streets are so many possibilities to not be alone...

and I believe I'm ready... I've had my generous share of things not working out... and if failure does make us strong.. then I am ready...

but if its the will and determination to get out of such quagmire.. then I am in doubt... I either slyly get through things without working hard for it or I fail..

I need to start to work hard... otherwise the limited extent of my cunning will depend on the opportunities and luck which comes my way

growing up in apathy

I'd say growing up.. I was very distant to people... to family, friends, and people in between... rarely do I connect...

I was... no.. I still am an apathetic person...

although I'm not a fan of defining things anymore... since to define something is to limit it and human experiences are abstract... and using words to give abstract ideas form isn't probably the best way to give a definitive answer... given that words can only do so much... because if words were the best thing to give something shape or form.. then images and sounds and whatever shouldn't exist anymore... the definition of abstract ideas with words is not absolute...

therefore I must tell you that apathy does not define every dimension of me...

but yeah... apathy.. apathetic... whatever

a person of authority in our household just screamed at someone... I was watching a philosophical film while all the screaming was going on... I paused it... then I heard it was in vernacular.. so I just turned up the volume...

on the surface it looks like tolerance more than apathy.. but I think it goes hand in hand... like... tolerance requires a stimulus against your predetermined set of beliefs... because you can't tolerate something you like.. ergo.. to tolerate means you allow something to exist without you getting rid of it.. and to function normally when something you do not like is there, you must be able to not care to an extent... in a way... apathy is within tolerance...

although I might be wrong... cause everyone thinks they're right...

but yeah...

I do not care sometimes... or I don't want to care so it programs my mind to not really care at all... but the established idea is that I do not care...

cause the world is selfish.. really... most often than not we would rather read a blog entry about ourselves than about a college student's philosophy on whatever... people sometimes read the latter cause maybe they do not have the benefit of the former...

we settle with what we can... because economics practically says that everything in the world is limited... and most of the limited wealth is concentrated within the rich classes...

so yeah... I think society nowadays does a great job of being apathetic... I am not sure if its a conscious decision to not really care.. or the mass media has oriented our brains to think that we truly care... because if people truly cares then the situation wouldn't be as this bad..

I differentiate myself from others by being aware that I do not care...

I try not to give myself the illusion of caring.. because we care for the things that we know exists... and caring is never a two way thing... y'know.. like.. a kid in North Korea could not possibly care about the earthquake in Haiti...

so what about those which we know? let's say the earthquake in Haiti, the death of Michael Jackson, or my girlfriend?

I don't think one could truly care about the first two.. but the last one... yeah sure... its what the youth nowadays is good at...

so why can't you truly care about the earthquake in Haiti or Michael Jackson? sure.. you had an emotional connection with the event... but I believe our notion of "caring" ends there... cause you don't really know what is going on... the news you receive from mass media shouldn't be taken at truth... cause one can't be all too trusting on something...

and I don't want to speak

stop and go

it doesn't make sense.. ever.. at all...

like... when you're determined to achieve something... but then for some profound reason you suddenly lost the will to continue...

then you go back to your empty life... devoid of colors... devoid of things to look forward to..

cause when you keep on waiting for the longest time to just click a button... the chase loses its novelty... I can reinvent the wheel... and start the ball rolling.. but the risk isn't something I feel like I should take at this moment...

patience is the key... and I am not a locksmith

the opportunity is there I am aware... but the precautions I am not ready for...

back to happy pills again

happeh

I dunno... I've always had this notion that I am the happiest when I am in pursuit of something...

like... happiness itself is found in the pursuit of happiness..

and I end up feeling empty after attaining what I always wanted.. however hard I worked for it.. the fruits of my labor doesn't taste as sweet as it should be..

the process fulfills me rather than the end result... it sounds absurd.. yeah?

so I'm bound to a life of endless running... on and on to whatever makes sense to me... or what doesn't seem to make sense but has something which keeps me going...

is a life of fulfilling pursuit is better than a life of fulfilling attainments?

the things we go for in life generally makes us a better person in the process.. but the things we achieve in life gives us a sense of completeness.. is a better man better than a complete man?

but I guess I have to stop running after something eventually... for reasons I am not aware of yet.. I'll eventually settle down.. in the middle of the road which extends until my determination allows it to... maybe that is when I stop growing as a person.. when ambitions are low..

although I think I've deviated from what I was saying from the beginning.. I do not think I've become a better person... I think I remained the same person who never seems to learn...now matter what time imposes unto me... I never seem to learn...

so I keep on lying to myself that I am turning in to a better person all this time

comfort noon

I have to pass.. but apparently its difficult to do it when you find it hard to focus...

I walk down the hall... then suddenly my eyes shifts to her...

I see her looking...

I look away...

I walk away...

yes.. I do like her

yes.. I am younger

but no... I am no longer a child

the world has stopped being kind

so I must try...

try not to just fly..

but to stay and fight...

and bring her in my flight..

ang pag-nasa sa romansa

...sapagka't ako'y nanganganib sa grado at biglaan na lang naglaho ang aking mga pundasyon upang ako'y magkaroon ng magandang kinabukasan at maginhawang pamumuhay...

hindi ako naniniwalang ako'y nagbago... bagkos ang aking kinalulugaran ang iba na...

nakasalpak ako sa gitna ng ingay at polusyon ng Maynila.. di katulad ng katahimikan at sariwang hanging nanggagaling sa bundok ng Taytay..

subalit ako pa rin ang Kenneth na kilala ko nung hayskul... isang weirdong bata na nakikipagkaibigan lang sa mga intelektwal na nilalang... at isang studyanteng masipag sa unang parte ng taon at biglang tatamad sa kalagitnaan upang mapilitang pagsikapan ang makapasa...

call her blind imagery

we all have other passions...

apparently institutions such as schools tend to limit what we can be and dictate what we should be..

it seemed to have worked for the capitalists wanting us, the masses, to stay under their control... because being at the helm of everything means to keep things within controlled and desirable situations..

after being indoctrinated to the idea of us, the students, studying for the sake of a job or doing our passions to earn for a living is something I don't have qualms about...

I mean

everyone shouldn't be totally free... cause otherwise nobody would want to do hard labor for the capitalists which provide us with iPods, Nikes, and rice on the table...

and the foundation has been set for a world where in everyone is under the illusion of freedom...

yes there are better systems... there will always be something better..

but apparently, the people in power of the olden days were able to devise a scheme which ultimately benefit them and their ancestors.. and when I pertain to ancestors, those who are part of elite families...

to overthrow or to abolish such system requires an element of opposition.. the people...

I guess everyone is well aware that the elites constitute only a pretty small amount of the world's population.. the masses clearly have the upper hand when you look at it on a numbers standpoint... but unfortunately, it is not the case...

the elites clearly have the upper hand... they are protected by a system which shields them from those who are poorer than they are...

Marxist belief suggested that the working men are those who will overthrow the elites...

but I do not think so... anymore...

it has been thousands of years and history has proven that rarely or never did such idea happened... cause no matter what revolutions the masses stage... we are always under the power of something bigger than they just destroyed...

if indeed the working men have done that.. then why do working men still exist?

no I am not an advocate of a hopeless society... in this blog entry

but I believe that the element which will oppose and eventually destroy the elite are themselves...

it will be an explosion of epic proportions...

for the higher you get... the harder you fall down...

and if the masses were to make the elites fall... it will definitely not be a swift process.. things like those take time.. ergo if the masses were to destroy the elites... the process would be comparable to a degenerative disease

so if the elites were to destroy themselves... then how would it come to fruition?


..beats me... I do not hold a degree in Philosophy or Humanities

sleepwell

its pretty easy.. really...

I screwed it all up...

I screw everything up anyway... so I guess

but screw ups are remedied by fulfilling wants...

yeah... sure.. I'm happy... but I have to work on my grades first... I need to survive college before I start to think of hunting her..

not is... is is

I don't understand it... really...

y'know..

like...

how life is limited to the opportunities that are available to you..

or maybe I do understand the complexity of equality... and how it truly isn't possible... its just that... I don't want to accept it...

its dumb... really...

y'know..

like...

how the concept of beauty is presented to you... and you get sucked into it... believing that it is possible and that our efforts will eventually be rewarded

we are all victims I guess... of the same routine and of the same lies...

and to think otherwise seems so... unnecessary..

I mean... we are already by default docile and dumb... and to hurt ourselves with all the thinking seems... stupid... when we are already under the control of our desires..

we are already happy... don't you agree?

yeah sure.. your life may suck now... or it may not.. who knows... nobody ever reads this anyway... but my point is that generally we are okay with our lives.. we may have certain unfulfilled wants here or there but when you look at the grand scheme of things you are doing okay.. otherwise you'd be dead or not reading this because you're recording a suicide video or something...

I guess... maybe.. when life starts to lose its meaning at an early time of one's life... the time it takes to wither gets longer... and I guess it doesn't feel as painful if you look at it in perspective...

yeah.. sure... my eccentricity never appeals to anyone... even to myself I guess...

would it even be appropriate to define myself as an obscure philosopher? but wouldn't defining myself be tantamount to limiting my being? and thus I turn into this formulaic being following clockwork routine which basically wears me until I die...

but isn't limitation the essence of life? everything is bound by something... possibilities may be deemed as limitless... but I guess it all comes down to those who come up with the possibilities... if virtually everyone in the world would think of all the possibilities... wouldn't it make possibilities limited? because the ones who create possibilities are limited.. I'm pretty sure it will be infinite... but wouldn't infinity be limited to the set it defines? and thus the value may have no bounds but being in a set means it is bound by definition...

sorry... I am trying make sense... by arguing with myself... which doesn't make sense... especially if you do it in public... which doesn't seem to be public due to the lack of people reading this.. maybe I need to talk about those ladies more.. maybe I'd get more page views... everyone likes feeling that they are important...

cause it breaks us to be ignored

state of emergency

I am in deep shit... really really deep shit...

it may be superficial.. but it is still shitty...

but even if that's the case...

everything went as planned...

this semester have been very lackluster.. there are no professors which scares me enough to keep myself on my toes... I wasn't very motivated... yeah... fear motivates me..

since there was nothing to be afraid of... I devised a scheme to make myself think that there really is a threat...

so... I deliberately didn't study nor did I listen attentively to the professors...

end result.. me failing the preliminaries.... and now... I am afraid...

for one.. all of my classmates are doing well with their grades... some are doing well with math because they work hard enough to copy from each other... but I was too lazy to even bother copying..

I got a preliminary grade of 73 for my math.. that's a singko... and there are only 4 of us in class with a singko... namely me, Dwiht, Eddxer, and Airish... and all of our names get red underlines when I type here in multiply... anyway.. our professor's system of deriving the final grade is by getting 50% of the prelim and the final grades.. therefore I get 36.5 from my prelim grade.... for me to avoid a grade of 3... I need to get a grade of 85 or a 2.25 to pull my grade to 79... thus giving me a 2.75... not as pretty as a 2.5 but beggars can't be choosers...

as far as I know among the four of us who failed... I got the highest grade.. of 73.. whereas the three of them got 72 point something....

since Eddxer and Dwiht and I are seatmates... I've been planning for the three of us to work together to pull ourselves out of this predicament... cause I sympathize with the both of them... Eddxer is from Pangasinan and Dwiht is the class weirdo...

so yeah... math is pure teamwork...

I also failed Philippine Literature and Philippine Economic History... I'm just not sure with Philippine Government and Constitution, Logic, and English... but I definitely passed World History...

not to worry really... a failing prelim grade won't damage me as much... cause its the final grade which is important... and the effort I'll put in the final months would hopefully overpower my failures...

LET'S GET IT ON!

magnetic

roam antics

I guess its just me...

but I love the idea of the universe doing its magic to make certain things come to fruition...

although I'm not a logical being... so I'd rather believe that it wasn't coincidence...

so yeah... I've been mainstreamed.. and I don't wanna use my brain anymore cause its easier to wait until other people do it... but nobody really gives a shit if I am attracted to someone or not.. so I'm forced to do all the thinking by myself...

really... I don't understand... approaching a stranger to ask for directions is fairly easy... but approaching someone to ask for her name... becomes an arduous task for kids like me...

but I haven't distinguished who's the taller one... hopefully after wearing heels I wouldn't look smaller in comparison... otherwise I'd be forced to do more yoga...

its kinda difficult to handle things with the company of others... although I'd be pussy-fied if I'd have to wait for a moment alone...

this is me thinking...

there aren't many tall men.. most of them would've probably hooked up with others... but generally.. competition is negligible...

and not really doing anything at all...

cause if you really really want something you'd have to do a lot to get it... I didn't eat for months to get toys that I've been wanting to have... this time I need to drop this timid facade even just for a few minutes to ask her name...

just the name... cause I already know the face...

it really is difficult to not find any word to associate to an image... its like losing the ability to speak... its very frightening... not even a voice to hear... its like not being able to listen to beautiful music... it is really very frightening...

no... I doubt it... I cannot... I might not... cause it is the hopelessness of life which keeps me going...

fie end

I find solace in the certainty of losing things...

anhedonia hello...

but today could be one of the best days of the year...

although I didn't expect it to be this tiring... my feet hurt like hell... but the day was totally rewarding... it wasn't fun.. because work is never fun... but work is fulfilling..

I am bound by law to not disclose what I exactly did... but lets just say it had something to do with exploring manila.. seeing the beauty behind the pollution.. and humanizing the people you see on TV...

but yeah.. everything still feels empty... I found excitement.. which I was looking for... but it felt.. weird..

like.. within the whole space of solace there is a void which shouldn't be there...

or maybe.. if you look at as its intended design... to be incomplete.. then maybe there is no other choice but to look for something else... which works for me... I could live with the void.. but as long as they're at the places I couldn't care less...

and again I see how everyone of no matter how articulate they may be or how thick their make up is... they are as human as we all are...

sun king

lalo ko lang naramadaman ang kawalan ng direksyon ng buhay ko...

walang klase... at ang nagiisang klaseng pinasukan ko ay logic... kung saan ika'y absent pag late ka...

nagkaroon ng misang di ko pinuntahan sapagkat sinabi kong buddhist ako... kaya ako'y sumama sa mga mabisyo kong kaklase at pinanood sila mag bilyar... at nang bumalik kami sa klase ay nalaman naming walang prof...

nakita ko ang aking kras kasama ang mga babae habang papuntang p noval.. ako'y nag lunch mag isa sa mang tootz.. pumunta sa org room para makinig sa mga initsik na nag iintsik.. humiram ng libro tungkol sa fashion design sa library at umuwi...

nagluto ng dalawang extra hot spicy pancit canton... nanood ng dalawang episodes ng simpsons... natulog... nagising... at gumawa ng blog entry habang nakikinig sa mga musikang kinalakihan ko tulad ng rivermaya at sugarfree..

dapat sa mga ganitong pagkakataon ay ineenjoy ko ang libreng kong panahon eh... pero hinde eh... anhedonic nanaman ako...

I don't have frustrations to vent out anyway... I am pretty okay.. everything just feels bland in comparison to other things I've experienced before... I dunno... nothing ever feels sunny anymore..

even the sun doesn't feel sunny at all

tsinelas

ampanget ng pakiramdam ng kawalan ng direksyon...

tulad ng weekend pagkatapos ng exams...

di mo alam kung ano ang aasahan sa klase... o ewan... baka sadyang sawa na ko sa monotony ng pagiging college student... nung hayskul di naman ganito eh..

siguro di ko lang talaga minamaximize ang aking libreng panahon... may apat hanggang anim na oras lang ako sa klase... at ang natitirang limang oras ay ginagamit ko lang sa mga walang kwentang bagay tulad ng pagkompyuter.. ay di... apat na oras lang pala.. dahil mahigit isang oras ang commute pauwi...

kawalan ng direksyon...

kelangan ko ng pagkakaabalahan... parang araw-araw na lang half day ang iskwelahan... at sa mga ganung pagkakataaon bumibilis ang takbo ng oras... kapag walang pangyayaring espesyal.. kaya pakiramdam ko nasayang ang 2009 ko... pero kahit papaano eh maganda ang mga pangyayari sa mga unang buwan ng 2009... ngunit ang kabuuan ay isang pelikula ni Takeshi Kitano...

I need something to make this year worthwhile... because if I go through college like this, the rest of my life will have the same monotony...

I've been mainstreamed, I need a new bottle of shampoo, and my life is well wasted... but not in a good way

drumsticks

the real world really is different from high school...

yes.. a year later and I still think about it...

I dunno.. maybe its the lack of clean air to breathe in manila or whatever... but I seem to be living in an entirely different world...

oh well.. I guess I can't expect everyone else to become tolerant as I am...

but for crying out loud... why these people?!

some of the people in class are okay... some are great... some are just there to fill empty seats... and some are just... there to give me a bad day... thats why I normally keep a good distance away from the people in class... and also when I'm at a distance.. I am in a good position to observe them...

my classmates back in high school had their own circles... you'd see a group of people drift away from class during breaks.. yes there were divisions... but I'd still feel a sense of unity among the people...

but come college... the division is just... extremely prevalent...

one good example is the clique of girls in class.. arguably the biggest one... its like a third of the girls in class belong to the group... and they're like the typical girl group you'd see in hollywood films or something...

I don't have anything against them... I'm a tolerant piece of shit.. remember? but anyway.. they're doing their best to be accepted into society.. that is how I see it.. or maybe not the society at large but just to feel accepted.. cause it seems as though that they've formed their own state out to impose their sovereignty..

I dunno.. I don't think I ever saw a clique of girls of that magnitude in high school... yeah sure you'd see groups of women.. but its not as huge as a quarter of the class..

oh well... they always said that college classmates aren't as fun as the people in high school

but I think its the fault of the guidance counselors or whoever who keeps on pushing the idea that high school will be the best years of your life... their marketing strategy makes us seem to think that after high school life wouldn't be as fun or something... c'mon! it pretty much depends on the person if s/he'd have more fun during high school or college or whatever... don't tell us that high school will be the best.. let us find things out for ourselves... cause there isn't any definite formula which would work on people's lives...

or I dunno... maybe I'm wrong... but I'm pretty sure people out there definitely thinks that I am wrong... cause everybody else thinks that they're right... and yeah... I do not hold a PhD or even a master's degree... so yeah... I am dumb... do not believe me...

I am out to control your mind

color me timber

resentment...

no.. I seem to be at a better position to even care...

its almost too good of a position to even take anything seriously... even myself... seriously..

I dunno... suicide is such as beautiful proposition... but just like communism.. it only sounds good.. and that's it...

yet at this altitude I can still breathe... the lack of pressure keeps me afloat.. in my head... but even though I am on the peak of mount apo... there is still everest to conquer... and olympus mons... and it keeps getting higher and higher.. until you forget what you were doing in the first place...

and I'm fine being with the foot of the mountain.. where everybody else are... even though you may have had a huge achievement.. its still always lonely at the top...

but no.. I've asserted that I am not on the foot nor on the peak... I am high up above the skies... a spot where only few have dared to stop... because everyone else is climbing their way up.. too busy to stop in the middle of things.. and try to enjoy the view... of being above it all...

its always whats above you.. and never whats bellow.. it is no one's fault for we are humans.. and we were designed to go up...

we do not fall by choice... it is how nature is designed to exist with us... yeah sure.. some would rather put the blame on us for having the predicament of having predicaments.. but I'd rather think that it is what makes us human... the ability to be certain of uncertainty.. otherwise if we knew what was coming then might as well not live life... because you are aware of what is going to happen.. therefore you have lived out your life.. now die....

when we do hit rock bottom it is by design that we go up... unless we get crushed in the process of falling.. or we go into a cycle of falling and getting up and falling but with greater force pulling you down... if we do not fall into those quagmires.. our bones, muscles and will will grow harder, better, faster, stronger... yes oh yes.. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger..

and in the end... we either settle with the certainty and difficulties of hardwork.. over the uncertainty and wonders of luck..

then we die

royalty

I am not a firm believer of multiple personalities...

yeah sure.. we handle ourselves differently in different situations.. but that doesn't mean you have different egos functioning at different periods in time..

I came to that conclusion unscientifically when I compare my behavior in the International Students Association org room from how I act when I am with people I know well..

its like.. when I am with some of my friends.. I am this loud kid who blurts out randomness and mostly inappropriate commentaries on everyday events.. but when I sit there.. in the corner of the extremely cold org room.. full of black people and chinese people.. and me being the only pure blooded filipino... I turn into this silent, shy little boy who does nothing but listen to the conversations between people of different races but with an accent far more superior than mine...

or maybe when I am with a friend.. who is with someone or a bunch of people I do not know... I remain totally quiet... you'd never hear a single word from me... hell.. I can't even force out a single word from myself.. aside from short answers such as "yes" "no" and "I dunno"

but when I am in that state... become more... pensive or something.. like a zen thing or something... that is why I come up with blog entries..

I become quiet... cause I have no one to talk to.. and when I do not utter a single word.. my brain becomes full of thoughts and whatnot.. and it forms an incomprehensible cesspool of ideas.. I concretize it by writing blog entries..

so I have two extremely opposing behavior.. one is the obnoxiously loud prick who is highly sociable.. and the other is an eerily silent boy who could probably do well as a buddhist monk...

that doesn't mean I have multiple personalities.. because I think the word personality is an umbrella term of some sort which encompasses the different facets of one's totality as a being...

whatever..

as much as possible I try to make sense.. hopefully this time.. I do..

in the morning!

a day wasted is day well spent...

because life is too short for one to work on something great from the ground up...

but if you were able to do something great.. from scratch.. without any proponents... where is your life now?

I spent the whole day not studying... it is stupid.. I know.. but that's just being human.. being stupid! oh yes... we all are...

and also being human means to have regrets... which I will have tomorrow... when I cannot recall the answer to a certain question...

its kinda ironic really.. I know I will regret not studying for the exams.. but it seems as though that... I do not regret having any regrets... its like some infinite regression of some sort... like when you are in the middle of two mirrors.. and the mirror in front of you reflects the mirror behind you which in turn reflects the mirror reflecting the mirror it reflects..

the only way it can be possibly solved is by an external force affecting it.. like the curvature of the earth... or the improper alignment of the mirrors... although I it doesn't seem to be solved.. yeah sure the cycle seems to end.. but in reality, you are just ignoring the continuum of reflections...

yes.. physics bullcrap... I love physics.. just like how I love the idea of being a philosopher, basic economics, consumerist photography, and cheap street food...

I need an environment where I belong... a place intellectual enough to have weird nerdy conversations without getting in too deep or be taken seriously.. but stupid enough to find putting omega painkiller on the scrotum funny.. infinitely funny..

Leslie Feist is a good singer.. she can hit notes which puts me in a trance.. and an airy voice with enough sustain...

random shit.. whatever...

I'm getting fatter.. I gained 10 pounds.. I gained back the weight I lost from saving up money for my playstation...

2008 was the year of the playstation.. 2009 was the year of rock band... hmmm.. what will be my next big investment in 2010?

a certain thing called "friendships" might be a good investment this year.. let's see...

t back

I wanted to write something about the event I went to.. as soon as I got home that day.. but meh... I don't do things when I know it won't live up to my standards...

and when I say standards... I mean things that try to make sense but normally don't.. y'know.. its like.. I try to write things that I really really really really really want to make sense.. but I end up writing something extremely raw.. something that only people as deranged as I am could comprehend..

but whatever.. I'll save that thought for an entirely different and probably more significant entry...

last friday... yeah.. I think.. yeah.. last friday.. I went with a bunch of my classmates to Welcome Rotonda.. they had to do a project on Human Rights and whatever and being the wanna be filmmaker that I am.. I went with them with a camera...

it was a rally commemorating the mendiola massacre whatever.. I walked with them from Welcome Rotonda to Mendiola.. to cut the story I cannot tell in the proper chronological order short... it was definitely something... but as with every benign experiences I have, I realize certain things.. most of which would probably sound absurd...

activism on paper seems nice... but I don't think I am fit for it... for one, I have learned how to be immune to brainwashing after reading countless unreferenced wikipedia articles.. so mainstream media's brainwashing doesn't seem to work on me.. and the activist's pretty rhetoric doesn't work on me as well...

y'know.. its like.. I've lost the need to change the world.. or maybe I started to not care anymore..

even the care bears don't care..

they've been at it for years now... protest here.. protest there.. and most often than not.. they don't bring change at all..

the people in power have enough power to not care.. the youth of today have enough time on facebook (and not enough time for multiply TO READ MY BLOG) to not care.. as for me I realized that I am too small of a force to try to even make a difference...

or maybe, just like everyone else, I've been brainwashed as well...

the leftist activists I spoke with during the protest didn't seem to know anything about economics.. or the capitalist system.. OF COURSE.. its their enemy.. the opposing ideology.. SO WHY STUDY IT RIGHT?

I think Sun Tzu wrote something about that in his Art of War.. something about knowing your enemy and knowing yourself and whatever.. I do not think you can defeat anything you do not comprehend... its like passing a test you haven't studied.. forgive the poor analogies...

BUT YEAH

WHATEVER

I am not making sense AGAIN...

y'know.. I think it is only fitting to not take me seriously... not only what I say.. but me as an entity... I AM A FUCKING CRACKPOT! and not even the good crackpot who earn awards and stuff... I'm like the bored kid who has nothing better to do.. yeah it sounds emo..

whatever.. everything is raw here anyway...

IN THE MORNING!

teen age riot

saturday sunday...

at di ako nagaral...

I wouldn't dare ask what the fuck is wrong with me... cause I practically know..

but what I would really want to know is why can't I keep myself motivated... seriously...

instead of studying for my exams which I have a high probability of failing... I chose to sleep the whole afternoon off.. yes, I feel relatively better but my leg still hurts like hell...

I need... I have.. I will... will I? study

... I suddenly felt the need to extend this blog entry...

eating tons of polysaccharide and listening to iron maiden makes me feel better.. think better..

anyway...

yeah..

I feel directionless this semester.. totally directionless..

maybe because I don't have a professor who scares me.. or a subject difficult enough to keep me scared...

yeah.. maybe that's it... I am not scared enough... I've earned too much confidence.. its almost self destructive... I NEED TO BE AFRAID... hell.. even the idea of me failing doesn't scare me enough to study!

maybe because I have delusions of transferring to UP.. or to UT, Austin...

and instead of studying.. I am watching free form jazz drumming...

money billiards

hmmmmmm... kung si Manny Villar ang magtatapos ng ating kahirapan... or ng kahirapan ng mga batang kumakanta sa video niya na clearly di ako sakop ng kanilang strata.. baket pa niya kelangan maging presidente upang tapusin ang kanilang kahirapan?

at ibig sabihin ba nun ay ang mga mahihirap ay aasa na lang kay Villar?

pero teka.. wag nating kalimutan na ang matagal nang meme na ginagamit ni Villar sa kanyang pangangampanya ay ang "Sipag at Tiyaga"

case in point...

si Villar ay dating iskwater.. pano siya naging senador? Sipag at Tiyaga...

ang mga bata sa video niya mga iskwater.. paano sila aasenso? Manny Villar...

no... I am not a big fan of Manny Villar.. but being an economist (read: World Bank's mindless drone) I approve of his real estate activities.. it provides employment to some people.. and as far as I know he's the richest pure blooded filipino (because apparently the richest guy in the Philippines is chinese).. so yeah.. if I were to say something good about him.. that pretty much sums it all up...

lately ko lang napanood ang kanyang bagong campaign ad.. yung parang checklist niya...

isa sa mga items dun ay ang mga nabigyan niya ng trabaho... ang tanong ko lang sana ay... ang mga nabigyan ba niya ng trabaho ay pang long term at di lang contractual? at ang mga nagtrabaho para sa C5 road extension project ay kasama ba dun?

mga kaibigan, wala akong pinapanigang pulitika... in one way or the other, I admire some of their traits... but I wouldn't bash a candidate entirely... I also wouldn't also kiss their ass as well...

expect me to do more senseless criticisms on other candidates.. if I'm still alive by then

...of helpleness and poverty

yeah.. its an exaggeration...

but I just can't help but realize how poor I am in many other respects...

monetarily, yeah.. we're doing well than others.. but money isn't everything... although money puts you in the right path...

I spoke of higher powers in my previous blog entry.. and how I believe they are against my views... in this entry, it will be my parents who shall be considered as such...

being a kid, I am in no position to be financially independent.. and certain things are achieved with a wad of cash...

my parents are earning a lot.. relatively.. but earning a lot means nothing if you do not manage your money well.. I believe it is stupid to spend more on things which will be of short term value.. and I am aware that my parents are making the same mistake...

I have dreams.. I have talents which I want to be developed.. and I have wants that are superficial... but apparently my parents regard my wants as petty and thus easily ignorable..

yeah sure.. they have supported me in certain endeavors.. when I was a kid..

but I am a different person than I was.. or at least I have different interests..

my parents never bothered to actually explore the possibilities of my talents... yes, I am affirming the fact that I do have talents... and they go undeveloped without proper nurturing...

they would rather have me go to driving schools.. which I believe are of no use if you do have common sense and the will to learn... and a car.. and parents who are willing to let you drive the car...

I am 17.. and turning 18 this summer... is it too late to explore where my talents (or the talents which I want to develop) will take me?

yes, we do live in an impoverished country with impoverished people... and opportunities are for the select few... am I afraid that I am one of the impoverished people.. doomed to live a life of mediocrity bordering worthlessness...

musings of a directionless boy

a year later... and I am stuck here in my room full of books I will never read...

behind me is a long desk full of things that ought to be put in the rubbish bin...

and in front is a friend who has kept me shackled...

...so what now?

anyway...

lately I've been having a bad time with my classmates... or at least with the natives among my classmates.. I've never had problems with people of different race...

yes, I know... I am not with the proper crowd... but I am forced to be in this predicament...

but I'll learn how to deal with it... or maybe I already know how to...

all I'm waiting for is my sophomore year.. so the kids whom I am not in good terms with will be transferring elsewhere..

I guess its all about the people you spend time with... and lately I've been spending time with the wrong people.. ergo, I have to go elsewhere and meet new people.. and when things don't work out as I wanted it to be... then do it again and again and again... ideally, that would be the plan... because in the middle of things I turn out to be an ass... so I have to go to other people who are not aware of my inherently bad attitude..

its like a renewal of some sort

I need to go through a cycle of renewal because like a mentally ill person (according to the DSM-IV)... I can't maintain lasting relationships..

unless the other party tries to work things out...

I mean... I don't think there is anyone who can handle me.. not that I'm saying that I'm wild or liberated... but I have yet to meet a person who can tolerate me, distinguish my sarcasm, and can read the meaning behind my actions...

no, I am not willing to compromise... I will either live happy or sad... either which way I am going to be screwed because every effort I put into living will ultimately be meaningless unless I become part of the history books...

long live multiply! and death to the faddists!

people attack

I don't think it feels right when people share their life stories to me... not a fan... really

well sure... I listen... I just can't empathize.. but I at least know when someone is lying... I just know...

listening to other people's life stories make my life miserably boring.. maybe that's another reason why I don't enjoy those things.. well sure.. I am well aware that I live a boring life.. but listening to other life stories makes it worse...

or maybe I'm just spending too much time with people who have interesting life stories? or maybe I just can't see how interesting my life is? I dunno... life is full of questions.. most of which are unanswerable... so why bother asking questions?

lets face it.. the higher powers will always be in control.. and the more you ask questions.. the more they'll limit your actions.. and at the end of the day... when you finally get into a position where in you are considered as a higher power... you become what you used to hate.. and now those whom you used to be now hate you... it is a cycle... it is possible to break it.. but at the expense of you being in the same position throughout your life...then you lose the ability to choose which path your life will take... because you will remain in the path where you have always been.. afraid to take another path which will go against the path you are in...

I don't want to think too much.. but there is no point in stopping it.. either I become stupid and happy and docile.. or remain troubled with my questions and ridiculing those who do not dare ask... and when I try to become happy... I become stupid.. and I become what I look down on...

...but who cares? at least I'm happy..

oh wait... I care

void

again... life feels... empty...

maybe I'm listening to too much Nowhere Man... yeah.. I guess so...

I'm not a nowhere man... but most often than not... I see myself as such...

its all about perception... especially when voids exist and you try to expand space and time to make something occupy it... the universe is for me.. earth isn't...

it has always been like this... I rarely feel fulfilled... almost never... maybe because my dreams of great things will never be possible.. even though I am capable of doing so...

the world will never do my bidding... never does to anyone... that is why I shall continue to destroy it... and yeah... they've always said that "you cannot give what you do not have"

...apparently I have enough to be destructive... because we are all correct... you only start to become wrong when you cannot assert yourself... it is survival of the fittest out there... let the hungry and homeless die.. learn to stand on your two feet.. and learn how to walk on all fours... which will eventually make you a stronger person...

DEATH TO EVERYONE!

complete starboard

ayaw ko talaga pumasok bukas...

gusto ko na lang maging tambay habambuhay...

or hanggang di na ko suportahan ng aking magulang...

sobrang walang kwentang itong linggo ko... puta... mag-simba ba naman kasi?! hello?! tatapusin mo ang bakasyon mo sa isang relihiyosong ritwal?

ansama ko naman... pero hello? relihiyon?! lalo na ang katolisismo?

parang... ang nangyayari sa katolisismo ay mas nagiging tungkol sa mga ritwal at sa mga mala-pantasyang nangyari kay hesus sa biblya.. at di na tungkol sa mga itinuro niya at sa mga values na dapat isabuhay ng isang katoliko...

ano ba naman kasing relihiyon ang sinesermunan ang mga deboto linggo linggo? ayos na sana yung isang sermon tungkol sa isang spesipikong moral defect.. pero di eh.. uulit-ulitin yan taon taon dahil ang sermon na yan ay base sa biblya.. at di naman gumagawa ng bagong chapters ang biblya ngayon.. nagiiba lang sa paraan ng pag-tuligsa sa ating mga pagkukulang...

nairita lang ako sa sermon ng pari... oo.. naniniwala naman ako na may tama siya.. at naniniwala rin akong may tama siya... dahil.. maging judgemental ba naman.. baket daw ang mga studyante inaantok sa klase.. pero gising na gising pag nasa kompyuter shop... ganyan ba ang herald ni kristo? isang mapanuligsang figurehead? oo na nga.. santo ka na para pagsabihan ang mga naniniwala sa diyos mo gamit ang mga hinde nabeberipikang impormasyon!

at isa pa sa mga kinaiinisan ko... ay kung paano tayo dine-demean ng mga pari sa buong buhay natin... okay.. sabihin na nating nagsisimba ako linggo linggo.. at bawat linggo na lang sinesermunan ako.. di ba parang.. ipinamumuka ng mga pari na tayo'y panghabambuhay na may sira? oo nga naman.. walang perpektong nilalang.. subalit maari naman nating pilitin maging perpekto.. dahil ba porque di ka pwedeng maging perpekto ay mabubuhay ka ng di mo inaayos ang iyong pagkukulang?

anyway.. imbes na tulungan tayo ng ating relihiyon.. na katolisismo.. ay tayo'y tinatapakan sa pamamagitan ng pagsabi sa atin linggo linggo na tayo'y may depekto..

kaya ako'y napapalihis sa paniniwala ni Sidharta Gautama..

pero hinde ko naman kelangan ma-affiliate sa isang relihiyon upang maging mabuting tao... basta't mahalin ko lang ang aking kapwa.. ng walang diskriminasyon...

kung tutuusin nga eh.. mas mainam na wala akong panigang relihiyon.. dahil pag sinabi kong ako'y isang hudyo o katoloiko sa mga ibang parte ng middle east.. ako'y maaring paslangin..

at minsan rin ay.. tila ba.. ang ibang tao ay gumagawa ng mabuti dahil sa relihiyon.. sapagkat sila'y maliligtas kapag sila'y gumawa ng mabuti... kelangan pa ba ng pangakong ganun para lang gumawa ng mabuti?

oo... china-channel ko ang mga pari.. at sinesermunan ko kayo...

pero sana man lang... mas tingnan natin ang mga mabubuting aral na nais ng Diyos na isabuhay natin.. wag ang guilt na iniimpose sa atin sa pamamagitan ng pagpapakita ng Kristong nakapako sa krus...

I AM THE WARLUS GOO GOO G'JOOB!!

incomplete starboard

ayaw ko pang pumasok...

pero boring naman ang buhay sa bahay...

kala ko kasi sa 6 pa pasok namin.. pero sa lunes na pala.. everything now feels like sunday...

anyway

I was supposed to do an entry on a list on why 2009 should be memorable.. but... meh.. I got bored in the middle of it.. and decided to put it in my drafts.. maybe I'll finish it during the summer.. whatever...

ayaw ko pa pumasok kasi... di ako handa... hinde ko alam kung may assignment.. hinde ko alam kung kelan deadline nung presentation.. hinde ko alam kung ano mangyayari.. yun siguro yung major fear ko talaga... uncertainty... pero keber pa rin saken ang maging experimental.. dahil alam ko naman controlled ang mga outcome.. pero sa ganitong posisyon.. kung saan maraming posibleng mangyari.. at hinde ko kayang paghandaan ang bawat circumstance... dun na ko natatakot...

at gusto ko pa makapiling ang aking pinsan mula sa australia.. dahil baka magkaroon ulet siya ng panibagong adventure... siguro pag ganun ang mangyayari... aabsent na lang ako.. tutal.. simula pa lang ng taon..

ano kaya ginagawa ng mga prof matapos ang mga mahahabang breaks?

mukang eepal siguro logic prof ko... ganun naman yun lagi eh... pero yung iba.. di ko alam...

shit.. may math pala kami... di naman mahirap math eh.. di ko lang talaga alam gagawin ko... pero kung alam ko lang yun.. madaling madali siya.. simple...

kaya mas nadadalian ako sa ibang subjects eh.. kasi simple lang ang formula.. alalahanin ang tinuro ng prof...

pero siyempre.. iba pa ring degree ang critical thinking.. kung saan ikaw ang nagtatanong.. imbes na ikaw ang sumasagot..

di ko lang alam kung pano nadedevelop ang critical thinking ng isang tao.. or kung sadyang meron ka nun o wala.. nature vs nurture ba...

I AM THE EGO MAN GOO GOO G'JOOB!!

new year celebrations

always suck...

for me at least...

cause there'll always be something or someone to ruin it one way or another...

but yeah.. I can't seem to remember a new year's celebration which didn't suck.. its like.. all of the sudden... everyone starts becoming an ass to Kenneth.. ONLY

'slike.. they always get the fat off from Kenneth's steak.. they always make Kenneth do things that will eventually piss them off.. they always see to it that the whole family is complete when watching fireworks.. and by complete.. what I meant was them minus Kenneth...

I don't think I'm getting too emo and stuff.. its not like I'm exaggerating things.. well.. maybe a little bit.. but who the fuck even reads this...

so yeah.. I'm going to even out the playing field by...

1. turning off the light in my room... because there is some superstition I think about the lights and the new year and stuff...

2. removing one of the wall clock's battery... because again.. there is some superstition about all of the clocks having to work in the household during the new years...

3. by wearing purple... cause everyone else is wearing red...

4. and by eating ahead of everyone else...

5. by putting all of the worcestershire sauce on my plate so they won't have any on their steaks

6. ...and BY NOT TALKING TO THEM OR GREETING THEM A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

hooray for minuscule rebellions! haha... all is well folks.. at least you don't act like assholes towards me.. y'know why?

...because something can't be if that something isn't an entity at all

a list on why 2009 should be memorable...

...but actually isn't..

I guess I'd remember the events.. but maybe not the year.. or whatever.. does the events in a certain period of time constitute the year itself?

2009.. great for most, lackluster for me.. although there have been a lot of significant events this year.. a lot of celebrities have died this year.. Barack Obama assumed office.. PS3 price cut.. H1N1 outbreak.. and many others that other people consider as significant...

but this is my blog.. ergo, I shall write things about myself.. because other people don't write about me.. and you get your news here.. and I AM GOD

sorry.. I'm high on kitkats and cadburys.. and the fireworks are starting.. and I am listening to Yoko Ono... please understand

anyway... first on my list would be...

Thesis: does a better job of keeping me up than espressos
writing papers isn't really that difficult of a job.. I know a lot of people would rather have their anuses probed than write a thesis.. but I think the only difficult thing in writing a paper is keeping yourself from getting lethargic..

but defending the paper is... something quite difficult for me.. not because I find the questions and the idea of being in front of a panel scary... but because of my short-term memory problem.. so its either give short bursts of answers or I try to give an elaborate one but in the middle of it.. I ask "ma'am, what is the question again?".. seriously.. I'd rather have them write their questions on a piece of paper so I can give them the answers they need without me asking and asking and asking for the question...

and after the thesis comes...
Graduation Day: the day that could be made shorter by sending the diploma via Air21
but yeah.. ceremonies are important.. cause we are civilized people.. and civilized people prepare things like these because we are rational thinkers...

not a fan of mass.. not a fan of formal attires.. not a fan of seeing other people do better than me because I'm too damned lazy...

it should be memorable for me... IT SHOULD.. but it isn't..

but before graduation day.. there is the pseudo-prom called
The Graduation Ball: where I realized that some people look more dignified with their school uniforms
social events aren't really my thing.. and formal stuff as well.. and dates.. fine dining is.. but I like fine dining because I get to contaminate the fine people's air space with my 3rd world-yness..

but yeah.. I had to go cause I paid a fortune for one night.. and I had a date.. but if it were up to me.. I'd rather have Mikee date someone else.. at least in that setting..

well I'd rather not remember the night altogether.. *rolls eyes*

and as a graduation gift.. my sister from Singapore took me to..
Boracay: eastwood on white sand
on a scale of 1 to 10.. I'd give the experience a rating of 6.. the place is pretty much polluted.. it is not a white sand paradise.. walking from one end of the shoreline to the other was a drag.. but hey.. white sand, blue skies and a toy camera with 5 rolls of films.. that's more than enough to keep me happy.. for 4 hours...

don't get me wrong.. the experience was fun.. but everything was overpriced as hell..

bidder bitter

dahil new year.. magtatagalog ako... yehey! naiintindihan ko na rin ang mga ita-type ko dito!

anyway...

napansin ko na yung mga kaklase ko'y nag-enjoy sa 2009... di ko lubos mawari ang mga kadahilanan ng kanilang kasiyahan para sa taon na ito... sapagkat di ko gaanong ikinagalak ang itong taon..

baket?

well for one... nasa kolehiyo na ko... at ang buhay sa kolehiyo ay napaka... iksi...

ang aking iskeydyul ay mula alas siyete ng umaga hanggang alas onse.. at may mga pagkakataon ring hanggang ala una ng hapon.. at minsan kelangan ko maghintay ng pagka-tagal tagal para sa PE ko... kaya roughly eh mahigit 30 hours ako sa iskwelahan sa isang linggo... di katulad ng 8-10 hours ko sa iskwelahan nung hayskul...

at pareho lang rin naman siguro ang commute time.. dahil matrapik sa may Junction at Tikling nung hayskul.. eh kung may tren lang sana mula Brookside hanggang beda.. lupet na nun..

I am not making sense.. or this blog entry isn't coherent..

MAG-TAGALOG KA!!

subalit ikinagalak ko ang pagbabago ng kapaligirang aking ginagalawan... at ang aking natagpuang bagong kalayaan.. oo.. patay na bata ako nung hayskul.. di ako party peeps.. di ako lumalabas para sumama sa class parties and chorva... I was not a social being..

kaya ngayon eh bumabawi ako.. di sa pamamagitan ng pag-pa-party.. ako'y bumabawi sa pamamagitan ng pag-explore ng maynila..

marahil ay hinde magandang lugar ang maynila para mag-explore sa isang studyanteng katulad ko.. ngunit hinde ako magpapatinag at ako'y matututo sa mga pasikot-sikot ng maynila...

shit.. I am not making sense..

may I speak in engrish?

anyway...

yeah.. this doesn't seem to be my year.. although senior high was relatively fun.. but I consider the early part of 2009 as the extension of 2008.. don't ask why.. I have a screwed process.. although I don't think you'd even dare ask why...

UST is fun.. I guess.. but everything seems too.. structured.. or I dunno..

the school isn't for people with free spirits.. because to believe in God means.. GOD OWNS YOUR SPIRIT

whatever...

Antony on Yoko Ono's Toyboat sounds weird.. I mean.. Yoko Ono sounds weird on her own.. but to put a transvestite guy-girl on second voice.. is WEIRD

AGAIN... I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE A COHERENT YEAR END REVIEW..

I don't even care if it isn't good.. its not like I get a grade for doing a good entry...

GOD DAMN IT

I 'm just high on kitkats again.. I need to sleep.. and reply to the messages I ignored on facebook..

souleater

I've been listening to some Yoko Ono lately... she's good.. a good alternative to Bjork..

so yeah.. if you're a fan of weird music.. then Yoko Ono should be on your list.. but if you're too artsy and pretentious.. you may call her music as avant-garde...

anyway... its goodbye to 2009... and the year... feels.. like.. I dunno.. nothing...

I can't seem to derive any form of enjoyment out of anything nowadays... its like I am in a profound state of anhedonia.. like my multiply blog title..

my life doesn't feel like its going anywhere... yeah.. sure.. there is the corporate world I have to face after college.. but that doesn't seem like a good direction.. although it doesn't have to suck.. it will definitely suck.. but it won't suck as much... cause I'll be compensated.. with money.. which will be used to buy happiness...

yes... happiness is something that can be bought... because you don't buy something that you know would make you feel like shit... its what economists learn...

but yeah... I don't want to waste a part of my life in an office space working my ass off... I don't want work.. I want do something I like and be paid for it...

although I don't think I'll be thinking of the money when I'm doing something I enjoy.. yeah.. I guess a good job is priceless...

it all boils down to being happy with life... we all live to be happy.. and please.. prove me wrong...

I skipped noche buena for this?!

if enough people believed in something to be real... it becomes real...

like religion...

my throat hurts and its christmas time... and its noche buena... and I ate too much mashed potatoes... I am so mashed.. while listening to songs with 320 kbps bitrates

I promised a rundown of the gifts... and yeah... I'll give you a stripped down version... cause I am too mashed

I got a lot of things to wear.. top of my list is the Playboy boxers from the Agron family.. next is the abercrombie and fitch from the other Agron family.. then jeans one skinny, one hip hop-ish.. from tita nene and the Batallones, respecitvely.. then 3 bench body briefs from the Delgras.. YEAH!

the De Leons gave me a puzzle which I cannot seem to solve.. cause it's World's Most Difficult Puzzle™

Katrina's boyfriend gave me 2 copies of Discovery Magazine.. although it's technically my sister and my cousin's gift.. the boyfriend was just like the executive producer of some sort...

the Roldans gave me a paperback copy of the third edition of Geoffrey Robertson's Crimes Against Humanity.. the cover is orange and white, fits well in my room but you just gotta see how thick it is.. its thicker than a cheeseburger deluxe... and its a freakin' paperback! c'mon!

but yeah... I'll do my best go through the book... although I still have a backlog on Yann Martel's Life of Pi...

I think people assume too much that I am a voracious reader... my grade school yearbook even described me as such! and to set the record straight... I AM NOT A FAN OF READING.. you probably noticed that by now with the way I write my blog entries... but yeah.. people assume that I love reading because I seem to know a lot...

I just know a lot because there exists a National Geographic, Discovery Channel, and Google Video..

despite the fact that I got things to read for christmas, I felt glad because those people who gave me things to read know my interests.. and I believe that makes us really glad when we receive good gifts is not the gift itself.. but the fact that someone knows us well enough to give us what we want.. ergo, we get an assurance that people out there still knows who we are... our existence is acknowledged by others...

I don't think I can write more.. I wrote Mirjam Verkleij an excessively long message already.. and my brain is too mashed...

just imagine the image has vignetting, I don't have photoshop

320 kilobytes per sicand

the more I get older.. the more I don't feel the spirit of christmas...

...or maybe I'm just in an emotional recession?

but I've adopted a new philosophy of "everything is gonna be alright"... I think that's a song... I must be a song.. c'mon... is there any line that hasn't been turned into a song?

the family wouldn't be having a christmas party... for reasons I don't think you'd care about so I won't bother even typing it here... but yeah... well yesterday we had.. I think.. but we were too busy playing rock band... now that I got the beatles.. everyone can now sing... and play.. and... yeah...

god damn it... my train of thought just got derailed..

this is like... one of the instances where I really wanna say something substantial.. but I never seem to make any sense... or at least I am not articulate enough to do so... but yeah...

I am fucking irritated.. I feel like... there is something missing.. and I can't function properly without it... no, its not sleep.. I've had 7 hours of sleep... its not a bath.. because... well.. you already know why...

this sounds cliche... but life feels empty... seriously..

yeah sure.. everything is going to be alright.. but... does that necessarily mean that life feels worth living? no, I am not going to snuff it... I may be insignificant... but hanging myself would only make me more insignificant... less important than a footnote on a book about the history of staplers...

I seriously need to get out of the country or something... or out of the planet... I feel like an extraterrestrial being.. or... like.. a person ahead of my time...

but yeah.. I think the label of being "ahead of your time" was invented just to make the crackpots and weirdos feel better... just like calling mentally retarded people as "special children"

whatever.. I'll just do a christmas gift review later... because the people I'll be thanking are those who will not be able to read any of my blog entries

alotta fun! alotta fun! alotta fan

I live a boring life... fo realzz

and today... day 1 of my christmas vacation... is... a smashing pumpkins song...

today is the greatest day I've ever known.. can't live for tomorrow...

I feel so elated... and I'm too elated.. I won't be going into too much details... let's just say.. I traveled from our house to Glorietta having no idea what to do.. and I was with my aussie cousin and her chinese-vietnamese friend who had no idea what do to as well... then when we got there they dragged me around the place... buying lotsa stuff in some upscale place.. and me looking like some 3rd world guy.. I love contaminating the rich people's airspace with my 3rd worldy-ness...

I did a lot of firsts... I was able to eat my first Hagen-Dazs scoops.. costs as much as a my 1 month budget for my LRT card.. I was able to breathe inside a leather-y smelling Louis Vuitton place.. I was able to get into a Gucci place.. which had no people innit.. I was finally able to see Cubao X at night... and I was able to commute from our house to Ayala.. and back.. with other people.. who do not know how to go home as well..

anyway... it was a lot of fun... seriously.. like.. I don't think tomorrow is worth living for.. because I know how boring it'll be..

but yeah.. I never felt so elated... its like.. I feel better than when I got the Rock Band 2 set(and I only spent a few bucks for transportation! unlike when I bought the set)... its like... I don't feel empty.. even though I know tomorrow wouldn't be as fun as today.. or technically yesterday..

I guess.. now I know what makes me happy.. its not the games I play really.. its the people I spend time with.. or at least the foreigners I spend time with.. cause honestly.. I relate better to foreigners than to the filipino natives..

maybe I need to get out of the country and live elsewhere.. somewhere with more ate michelles, winnies, mirjams, femkes, richmonds, seng kaews, gum jalis, aung tu mons, jonases, and nilses.. yeah!!

anyway... the 20th of December is marked on my calendar... today is the greatest day that I have ever known.. and its not an exaggeration... or at least it doesn't seem to be...

this is like the first time I felt really happy... in weeks.. in months.. in years.. or ever?

low by the sea

I dunno... I feel like a crab...

never moving forward and hollow...

I can't say that I always look forward to waking up the next day...

everything went downhill after getting what I want... and I'm pretty sure this'll also happen if I get another thing that I want... life feels empty...

I can hear the waves.. the wind and the birds.. but it all feels empty...

I see the sun.. I stare at it... I see through it.. and it all seems like a blur...

the wind seems to pull my long hair away.. the same way I pull it in frustration...

but now I am not angry.. I am not happy... I am in a state of empty balance... I cannot fall... I cannot rise... for I am devoid of anything even though I have everything I want...

its one of those days where you feel incomplete and yet everything you want and need is with you...

maybe I should try entering room 206

well hang

knowing someone who just recently died made me realize how life isn't worth living...

cause our existence is too minuscule to even matter.. life flows on without us.. so I wonder... why live? when dying negates everything you did?

people die everyday and yet we continue on with our daily routines... but yeah.. when significant people die we find it difficult to function.. but after some time.. you are able to move on...

so corollary is... we should just hang ourselves as well... right?

I beg to disagree... because the uncertainty of death, I believe, is enough reason for one to go for the less crappy choice...

suicide is a huge gamble... if what religion says is true.. then snuffing it will put you into a more crappy situation.. but what if the here and now is all there is? then snuffing it is an ideal short term form of escapism..

but both gives us a sense of certainty.. it all boils down to what we want to believe.. and to what belief will we be better off..

that's why I say let's just try to be as happy as we can... because if we can't make our life matter.. then might as well go for the less crappy route

when not in the proper continuum

a classmate's girlfriend decided to snuff it and hung herself...

nobody knows why... there have been speculations...

and I can't seem to feel any empathy for them...

I dunno... I just can't feel sad over the loss of anyone... I noticed this when I lose things.. or lose people... I seem to let things go easily... like.. when I realize that something is gone.. I'd wonder what happened.. then after that... I move on...

I don't think its humane to not feel any remorse when something gets lost... but does that mean I am less than a human? I do not think so... because I'd like to argue that man is not perfect.. therefore something must be better than man... other people would agree with the idea that the only thing greater than man is god... but allow me to assert that there is still something a bit better than ordinary men but lesser than god... what is it exactly? the answer is quite subjective... let's just call it the ubermensch.. the superman..

it might be a classification of a person.. but I'd like to believe that it is a state man achieves...

there could've been supermen in history... but it all depends on how a superman is defined... we can say that Hitler is a superman.. but the ordinary men destroyed his image because of opposing ideologies... we can say that Da Vinci is a superman.. but his contemporaries did not understand him.. and if Jesus of Nazareth did exist.. we can consider him as a superman.. not because of his miracles.. not because of his wisdom.. not because of his self-righteous suicide.. but because the masses say so..

the definition of a superman is very vague and subjective... and I am merely wasting your time by typing pseudo-philosophical nonsense and forcing you to read this...

and if you got anything from this blog entry.. then I salute you.. because I didn't..

christmas gift

I just bought Singstar.. with the 2 microphones...

now I can do a three-piece band in Rock Band 2... so yeah.. I've been wanting to have a Rock Band set for 2 years now..

and my dream finally came into fruition... just in time for christmas.. a nice christmas present for myself.. because the christmas present for myself last year was a game console...

but yeah... I hate my sister

anyway... but I should have this rewarding feeling and stuff...

unforutnately.. as with ever achievement I unlock I seem to get this empty feeling... it like.. I should be ecstatic because I got a rock band set by working hard.. and yet.. the hunt for the set felt better than getting it...

because when I was still yearning for the set... I felt like I had a reason to live... but now that I got it... it feels like.. life isn't worth living anymore because I got what I wanted...

life feels empty now...

I've felt this way before actually.. like when I saw one of the best films.. Cidade De Deus... watching it made me feel like I've watched the best, ergo there is no point in watching other films... and after the last day of examinations during senior year...

but I was able to get back.. by having another goal..

and now... now that I have finished my goal... I am in search for another...

and no.. graduating from UST in one piece isn't.. because it's already a given.. I'm not that dumb...

and no.. graduating with honors isn't on my list.. because a goal has to be realistic.. yeah sure.. it's something nice to aim at.. but I know I can't be the best... and I believe if you can't be the best.. be the innovator.. be the revolutionary.. change the world... because to be the best means you go through a predetermined path.. and to be the innovator means to create another path... which I believe is the better choice..

and no... being the innovator/revolutionary/the man who will change the world isn't on my list.. because a goal has to be specific... those things could mean a lot of things... although Ponce and I are planning to become revolutionaries of the Philippine music industry with our music... and Seng Kaew and I are planning to uplift the impoverished with our 100 Peso Bill Program(I'll discuss it on another blog entry)... and Richmond and I.. well.. I'm just trying to learn from a person wiser than me...

soooooooo I guess.. yeah.. that settles it.. my next goal is to be financially independent I guess... or become a House DJ.. or to own a skateboard..

or to make people happy... oh wait.. it has to be specific.. yeah..