ultimate minimalism

the less you have, the less you worry

while there are multitudes of variables in people's lives, a universal commonality is that we all have the same amount of time in a day. some have more days than others, but as long as you survive one, we all get 24 hours.

a lot can be made with the time we have per day. the more we have to do things with, the higher the likelihood that we'll feel we've made the most of our time. it may also risk being a clusterfuck that your brain has to juggle a lot of things, perhaps more than it can possibly handle.

since having more money than my college self could imagine, if gotten a bit burned out with having a lot of the things i wanted, but not having the time for them. that's why i've been trying to a adopt a lifestyle of minimalism rooted on a likely incorrect understanding of the buddhist path to nirvana.

because i feel like i haven't been getting enough time in my life despite having the same 24 hours per day as my past self had. so I decided on prioritizing the feeling of having a lot more time on my hands. and the first step of achieving that is by learning contentment.

now the second step, that i've yet to figure out.

path of less resistance

my circadian rhythm will never allow me to ever find another lover

i have to call it quits this time around. my life isn't designed for any human being to be part of it. it has to be a massive sacrifice for either me or the other for it to fit. a balance may be possible, yeah, but with the right person.

my 2018 february will forever be known as the month where i had the least amount of sleep. but it was the best for my personal life - unfortunately at the cost of my career. and i can't afford to live that way.

something has got to give - and that something is me.

replaceable parts

i've always held the belief that i'm replaceable - no matter how special anyone makes me feel.

there's always that looming fear that other people are better at the things that i can do, and that those people can easily just swoop in and render me obsolete. that's what drives me to work harder. but there doesn't seem to be an end. being on top is not absolute, but being left behind perennial.

that's why i've resigned to the idea that i will have to be comfortably suffering in the swing of things. but that doesn't mean i'm giving up on life.

it just means i'm preparing to disappear.

i'm only what i see sometimes

you grow old and learn to adopt a degree of cynicism to survive

it's not that i've given up on what is good in the world, it's just that you get to know the people around you and understand their motivations. it may also be just me projecting my thought process to my world in an attempt to not feel alone because "at least, everyone else is doing it"

to most people, my views on what are usually good things like love, charity, and passion projects, can be sickening. but really my opinion is shaped by humans themselves. there will always be a façade of politeness because that how society works, but at our core we are way worse than we're willing to admit. we can convince ourselves otherwise, which works when you have a persona to maintain because, indeed, "perception is reality"

my bleak perspective doesn't necessarily mean an unwillingness to live happily. in fact, it's the opposite, it even helps me live happier. you learn to identify the things you have to let go and not get too invested in, you learn to not waste your efforts in trying to get a hold things that are beyond your control, you learn to be practical about how you will go about with daily decisions.

yes it's tough, it takes discipline, and most importantly, it's something you will have to keep on doing until you die.

but when you keep at it - life will be worth living.

26

there's something so vapid about birthday greetings.

it's mostly from people you don't really care about, and when you get greetings from people you truly care about, it's either from people you hate, or people you actually want in your life. unfortunately, there is a horrendously small percentage of birthday greetings that I actually appreciate.

i wish my birthdays would be like ordinary days. but they're really not. they're worse days because I have to waddle through politely interacting with people more than usual - despite having at least a couple of offenses against them in the past.

in an ideal world, all of my human relationships would be superficial and limited. cause really, i'm only as good as what i can offer to the person. do i make funny jokes? good, then let me tell you some jokes - nothing more. do i deliver well on a particular request? good, then let me do that for you - nothing more. do i make a great confidant? good, then let me listen to whatever it is you're comfortable disclosing - nothing more.

my relationships with other people turn sour the moment i fail. while there's a case to be made for endearing failures and it may be fine for you, it's not for me. i don't like the looming stress of constantly remembering that at one point, i screwed up.

that's why i love kids. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't be remembered.

that's why i love one-off friendships. cause what i do for them, be it good or bad, won't matter later.

that's why i'm alone.

star plan: a new hope

there gets to a point where you're ready to love again.

unfortunately for me it wasn't the most ideal of situations. never are they ever in my life. i had a headstart in handling heartbreak. she is in shambles. which is a whole lot of work for me. a new romance shouldn't carry this much stress in the beginning. it should be fun, it should be carefree. of all the possibilities, i just had to gravitate to the path of most resistance.

but i could imagine it being much tougher for her. i hate any form of falling out, especially those from long standing relationships. with everyone i've helped, my recommendation was to always stick to the person no matter how hard it is. because all relationships are imperfect. to some degree they will be toxic. but love isn't about perfection. it's about having it in the both of you to work things out when it gets pretty damn tough.

look at me, preaching this crap despite not having a decent reason to give up on a previous love. nor have i had any way of proving to myself that i won't make the same mistakes. i guess i'm just coming from a place of all hope... renewed hope.

and it will always spring eternal.

eroplano

3 minutes... my entire morning got ruined by 3 minutes.

but there's always that comforting adage that god always has a plan. great news.

i feel like a player in nba 2k with a snowflake icon. i've been having a series of poor decisions that i am losing momentum. i missed out on making a mark on someone i'm trying to impress. but i guess now's not the time, because that isn't what god has planned.

our car had a bit of a malfunction thanks to human error, that's always comforting. i only find justice in the person who caused the malfunction feeling bad the whole day. cause i am both vindictive and lazy to get back. i had to spend almost a day's worth of salary just to get to my job. but i guess today's not the day to turn in a profit, because that isn't what god has planned.

before fixing up my morning matcha, an infuriated client got to the office, i bore the brunt of his anger for having to deal with the infuriating bureaucracy of our government. had to say sorry in behalf of everyone who has done their fault to this guy that i didn't even know. but jesus died for our sins even if he barely knew us, so a couple of thousand years later to a random stranger like me, i guess this is what god has planned.

i'm in the office and i've gotten a hold of my daily planner, which has been turning out to be the thousand peso farce this year cause i almost never follow all of the things i write, but it helps when i need to remember where i was on certain days. it becomes less of a tool for directing my life, but more for seeing how directionless it was. but with the 5 hours i have left in the office, i have to at least make a conscious effort to make it count. because that is what i have planned.

and that is what i aim to do.

spotholes

i struggle with the "here and now" because my "here and now" doesn't seem to be worth living.

this is, in fact, a grossly inaccurate estimation of the value of my life, because i'm pretty certain a vast majority of people in the world would want to live my life be it for economic, health, or social reasons. we have a lot to be grateful for with the lives we live, but somehow after the struggle stops becoming real, we try to fabricate conflicts that give us a sense of duty to work towards.

i think all we truly need is the feeling of being useful.

it's not like we decide when are we useful, it is dependent on the problem we are addressing. we can find instances where we can be useful, yeah, but we're not always the right fit to do the job. we will always have holes in our skill sets that prevent us from making a real impact. 

that's the problem with the nature of work that i do, where i do everything, but i'm not good at everything, so there will be instances where i feel like shit, and i compensate by looking for things that make me feel like i have a purpose.

pepera

do what you can to make the present better.

for the past couple of years being stuck in an office desk as an employee, i've spent majority of my unproductive time online window shopping and researching things i can spend money on to make my life better. it's pretty therapeutic and gives a sense of solution to my otherwise problemless situation.

it becomes a vicious cycle of buying, being satisfied, wanting more, and buying again. it tricks my brain into thinking that i'm solving my constant need for new. it becomes a practice of endless consumerism, that while it covers some holes, but it never really solves deeply rooted issues. it makes you look onward to future "solutions", but it blinds to you the needs of today.

for the past couple of years, i've had more money than i ever had that if my student self had this much access to money, i'd be more resolved as a human being. but that isn't the case, i feel like more money is just a precursor to more possibilities, and that includes experiences, triumphs and turmoils.

more money won't solve my problems.

maybe i fail to address the current issues i face by focusing instead on solvable problems by spending money. i need to do a review of my life and set my priorities straight. real problems require real solutions, and i don't think money provides real resolution, making time, putting in the effort, and perhaps dropping what's unnecessary.

tumble crumble

it gets worse when you actually get in touch with your emotions.

for the past year, i've been depriving myself of feeling any emotions. it's convenient to function like a machine - you don't get disappointed, your life doesn't get disrupted, everything is smooth sailing. but somehow everyone around me are devoid of any humanity whatsoever. it's okay when i'm the only one not showing any heart, but when its others, it becomes problematic.

when your social links become unchained, you need to forge new ones.

i'm desperately rekindling any signs of social life. unfortunately the people around me are less reliable than the flipears custom earphones i reviewed on this blog. thankfully, i'm a somewhat self-sustaining individual. every single day, i try to prove that man can, to a degree, be an island.

this honesty is me being in touch with the feelings i've neglected for the longest time.

i'm ready to face the music. bring your worst.

bilats

large groups scare me.

unless required, i don't speak up in group meetings. for the most part, the people i've met with speak just for the purpose of enhancing their brand. as far as adding to the conversation, the core of their message becomes diluted with fancy words, seemingly endearing anecdotes, and just an overall show of supremacy over the group.

my crippling social apprehensions gets the better of me.

i do however work much better in more intimate settings. it gets easier for me to talk to the person on a personal level, break down their barriers, and truly get my message through them. in instances where work truly must be done, i believe it works better, but when you have to look good, i just don't have it in me to fool an entire room of 50 people.


i do however feel like i fool people on a regular basis with my knowledge and competence.

stillness

i've always been a poser believer of zen.

there's something about letting go and letting things flow that attracts me. maybe it's me coming to terms that i cannot control everything and that zen empowers me to find comfort in not being in power. maybe it's something less pretentious than that.

maybe i just want to choose a narrative that i'm cool and all.

living in metro manila means sitting in traffic for hours on a daily basis. hours enough to finish a movie, hours enough to finish at least a quarter or half of a season of a tv show, hours enough to listen to an entire discography of a millennial musician. if there's any scenario that would best test the calming stillness being preached by zen buddhism, it's being stuck in traffic.

you have to tune out the constant bombardment of brake lights flashing, shrill laugh tracks played by overly flamboyant radio djs, or the constant crowdedness of almost every square inch of this mega city. you have to not think of the hours you're wasting on the road, the moments you're missing out on, or the accomplishments that you're failing to work towards.

i can only imagine the inner peace that one could achieve.

god knows i've always been at war with myself.

45 of 84

i think it's about time to finally release an official statement

time is a fixed construct. for something that constantly changes, it's something that has always remained in place. much like how humans remain to be what they are, but differ in who they are, and who they become.

almost a year detached from my relationship, it has finally occurred to me to pick up the proverbial pieces of what was left of me. there weren't a lot to pick up. for the most part, i've always reserved a part of myself to stay intact when it all breaks down. that is not how love works. clearly, i have no business being a lover.

eventually i learned to recognize my limitations.

man is a very inconsistent being. my statements from a decade ago in this blog won't necessarily be true today, but that doesn't mean that i lied. it just so happens that there are certain truths in certain periods of time and we eventually grow out from what we used to believe in, and we become entirely different people. it gets to a point where resuscitating the person who promised endless possibilities becomes an encumbrance. and when you're turning into a square peg, it doesn't make sense to try to fit into a round hole.

almost a year detached from my relationship, when anyone asks why, i finally have an answer:

"we grew apart"

the univershell

the thing with superheroes is that you'd think given their gift, their life will go swimmingly.

but it's never the case, they always have the struggle. and there's no bigger struggle than man against self. especially when the struggle is self-inflicted, because really we can't be good at everything and what you can do is to substitute your talent in other facets of life to something else seemingly related - such as work skills to social skills. kids, they never work. we can only be good in so much, and we have to acknowledge that we will always have limitations.

but we also have to recognize that some facets of life shouldn't mix. you can't treat people in your social circle as clients to negotiate or spin words around with. it gets pretty annoying to be the one who talks weird by being meticulous with the words you choose. how did i get here.

camonball run

it's quite liberating to not have to consider everything all at once. I feel like this is how my twenties should be: meeting new people, making new friends, rekindling old connections. there is a case to be made for considering the importance of human relationships - they are what makes us special. it's important to feel special, it helps us ward of loneliness.

ever since, i never felt lonely, i get bored, yes, but I never felt like I was on my own. not anymore, since growing up and growing out. but we never change, we're still running on the same processes and biases to make life and decision-making easier. we eventually learn how to express ourselves better, hopefully enough to not making re-reading our thoughts cringe-worthy. we eventually learn how to notice patterns to predict the future, hopefully with enough accuracy to not make the same mistake in the same damn scenario.

we become better.

and we have to thank the people we meet along the way, the highs and lows we go through, and the lull in between major events that make up the most of our journey.

we don't realize sometimes how free we are.

work-life balance

you don't work for the government for the money. if you wanted money in government, you'd probable be better off running for an elected office, but not if you're a regular civil servant.

I get paid the same as most people, marginally higher than my contemporaries, my salary's easily google-able, look for Salary Grade 15. It'll probably stay that way in the next decade or so, there isn't much movement in government, and movement is the only way you'll get a significantly bigger salary.

I'm not complaining about my salary prospects. don't get me wrong. in fact salary is of secondary concern for me because i allow myself to work 12 hours and only 8 of which will be salaried, i allow myself to report to the office on weekends and do more work on my laptop on the ride going home. doesn't happen single day, but for a millennial, those are tough working conditions.

I'm not complaining about the amount of effort required of me by work either. in fact, i have the option to not work as hard and my financial compensation won't change. the government pays you a certain amount and it's up to you whether you'll exert a lot of effort, or very little, either way, you'll get paid.

I exert that much effort and subject myself to such working conditions because work seems to work for me. i'm not miserable at my job, i don't look forward at things outside the office, there may be an argument made for me "not having a life", but i'm doing okay at my work. i can go on for hours just doing work and not feeling hungry or tired.

the unique thing about my work is that it's always something new, always a learning curve to master. luckily enough, i pick up very quickly to adapt to new things, learn the new work, despite me having to seem to like the monotony of certain things in life, eg. the same food everyday, the same game to play over the weekend. I know the brain seeks out novelty, but the brain also seeks out routine. my work affords me the right amount of novelty that i don't have to find it outside the office. i am not exactly compelled to want to go to a new province, travel to a new country, or live out a vacation. i'm fine sitting at the same spot i've been sitting on for almost a decade, in front of my computer with a 42 inch tv as my monitor.

my work compensates for how boring my life is, but my boring life compensates for how tough my work can get.

and as i get older, it will only get tougher.

Flipears Review

You may have stumbled upon this blog entry because somehow having your own Custom In Ear Monitors (CIEM) piqued your interest and now you're scouring the web for impressions or reviews before you spend at least 8,000 to 15,000 pesos.


I am telling you as early as now, have a pair made ASAP.

It doesn't take a genius to tell that 15,000 pesos for a CIEM is a hell of a deal, especially in the Philippines where the closest option you had for one was Unique Melody which I never bothered to consider because of the prohibitive cost and the effort it took to send ear impressions overseas. With Flipears, you just have to go a bit of ways down south in Las Piñas to get your ear impressions made, wait a couple of weeks, either pick it up there or have it LBC-ed to your place. This is as cheap and easy as it gets for the common Filipino.

When I had one made, it took a while for me take the leap, I spent a lot of time studying customs, universals, balanced armature drivers, and dynamic drivers, and I really urge you to know the difference between your Knowles ED, CI, TEC, FED, DTEC, TWFK, WBFK, HODVTEC - it's an alphabet soup, yes, but the knowledge will be valuable if you're particular with the sound you would want to hear. I'm convinced that more drivers doesn't make for a significantly better product, case in point the Ultimate Ears Reference Monitors, or the Westone 4R. Google them (especially Westone 4R vs Westone 3) If you want to know what's in them, check this google document which lists what's inside most of the custom and universal earphones. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1jguxmYfEmZdHEGIUDvQUnfm3vhxo51WeNKKG0_oRtMA/pub?output=html&richtext=true#


After pages of Head-fi, Cymbacavum, and other websites, I felt like I knew enough to really get into details with the master craftsman of Flipears himself, Aries Sales. My questions to him were many and my curiosity was relentless that at some point I feel like I have been bordering on annoying, but I was operating on the pretense that I wanted to most out of my money because let's face it, 15,000 is exorbitant for "just a pair of earphones".

After weeks of discussion, I ended up having my ear impressions made and Pro Tip #1: NEVER get your ear impressions done after having gone through a plane ride that made the insides of your ear hurt like hell. I'm pretty sure Aries and his partner will do their best to make sure you get a good pair of ear impressions. And if in the end you wish there were improvements on the fit, they will be more than willing to help you with that at no cost to anyone... well except shipping fee.

What really stood out for me for Flipears is Aries' openness to discuss with you on how the CIEM will be set up, I had specifically asked for a CI+TWFK, similar to the drivers inside a Westone UM3X, or a Knowles GK set up. Furthermore, I asked for the CI to be dampened with the red filter and the TWFK to be undampened as is. It's important that you really discuss with Aries what you want out from his work, and with the level of thoroughness I had in discussions with him, I was particularly surprised when there were capacitors and resistors on the final product, which turned out for the better, however with me being so particular about most details, I wish I had known before hand so I could've had inputs regarding what to do with the caps and resistors, which by mere speculation, would more or less turn out like the final product.

And that is the beauty with Flipears, you have the luxury to really get in touch with the man who will create your pair of custom earphones which allows for an immense level of customization, and I feel that's what they ought to tell their prospective customers more, that with the right amount of knowledge with basic electronics and sound signatures of balanced armature drivers, you can truly make a pair of earphones customized to your ear anatomy and sound preference... except for bassheads who love their "mud", maybe.

Now speaking of bassheads, such as myself, balanced armature drivers such as those found in CIEMs will most definitely not suffice. I was particularly surprised when I found the bass lacking in tracks I trusted with my recabled Sennheiser ie8s. Don't get me wrong though, the bass in the CIs were there to deliver but not to the bloated extent of dynamic drivers found in the ie8. I just have to get the seal real tight to get the most of the bass.

Now with the level of detail that these CIEMs have, they are nothing short of mind blowing. If TVs had 4K resolutions, this would be the earphone equivalent of it. Back then, I spent more money for earphones just to hear parts of the recording that were indiscernible with a pair of stock earphones. I thought I had heard everything high bitrate music files had to offer, for spending quadruple digits on earphones as my budget allowed, I had thought I reached the 1080p of music. But then these earphones got lodged into my canals
and the tweeter half of the TWFK, which is the WBFK, lends itself well to ensure that you get sound so detailed and so accurate that you start hearing mistakes in the recording by the artists themselves that may have gone unnoticed through studio monitors.

With that being said, the my Flipears CIEM can get very "honest", and by "honest" I mean if the song you're listening to has been poorly recorded, mastered or transcoded, you will be hearing poor sound quality. So spending 15,000 will ensure that your music will be perfectly replicated, but spending such amount will not ensure that you'll be hearing good music. If you want to maximize your experience, do yourself a favor, invest on downloading high bitrate torrents, o least 320kbps. Let not Aries' craftsmanship get wasted on poor sounding tracks, his work deserves so much better.

If you're still on the fence whether you'll be buying Flipears or not, I just want you to remember one thing: that where you spend your peso is a vote on what you support and believe in. You have a pioneer in Philippine CIEMs in Aries Sales, you either support him or the audiophile behemoths abroad such as Ultimate Ears, Unique Melody, etc. Either way, you'll be getting awesome music blasted in your ears, you'll be winning.

It's your choice whether who would you want to win with you.

alien male friendship

male friendship makes little sense.

i have little to no friends at all. my social circle revolves around my girlfriend and the people i ride the bus with. i am in a very tragic position. what makes it much worse is that people who are worth talking to are people who happen to fall in love with me, that can't be with me being in a monogamous relationship. i am stuck.

practically, the only people my girlfriend is willing for me to be friends with are guys, even then they aren't the best people to talk to through my most preferred means of communication. men aren't fun to chat with, they aren't chatty as women. somehow, after years of being the friend people, particularly women, exclusively go to when they have problems, i seemed to have figured out how to "converse" with them. of course by "converse", i mean me just asking questions and them rambling on and solving their problems on their own.

i am in legitimate need of friends, and somehow male friends don't seem to cut it. but then again women friends pose headaches between my girlfriend and i, that's equally not as fun. but then we never get what we want and we make compromises. i'm lucky enough to be solely comforted by time in front of my computer, so much so that for the brief moment i am in front of my computer, the concept of human contact seems alien.

domo arigato, mr. roboto.

football kids

touching lives without asking anything in return is one of the most underrated things ever.

i've been "coaching" street soccer to unprivileged kids for quite some time now, and i must say at first i was skeptical on my commitment to the project, however you must take my role with a grain of salt as i haven't really done any "coaching" in the more technical sense. it started okay, it was my first time to deal with kids whom i have no personal relations with in a large scale, and by large i meant 20 kids. i am, for all intents and purposes, an introvert.

dealing with strangers drain me.

i remember my first training like some "in medias res" sort of deal, i was smack dab in the middle of everything, a new piece of cog in an already well oiled machine, being in the worst situation where everyone else are expecting you to perform like them, and at the same time, looking down on you. my first time wasn't exactly the best, nor was it something bearable, and that was one of the driving force to make a difference with these kids.

i wasn't exactly prepared, however.

i never bothered asking their names, i've always been a faces guy, and i've always held on to the belief that "if you matter, i'll find out your name", right now i at least know 3-4 names of the 20 or so kids, and those kids matter now because i saw in them what i failed to feel when i was introduced to football.

they were never taught anything, and when i tried teaching them, they wouldn't listen.

who can blame them? i was a timid coach and those two words don't go together. but not being taught anything didn't mean that they won't succeed nor have fun in playing a competitive team sport, they had something in them that my sheltered lifestyle won't ever yield... an indomitable spirit.


you can never teach heart.

antique bowl

i never really had the best communication with anyone. despite my eloquence and spontaneity, i've always kept to myself especially with my parents. they never knew what i really wanted or what i was really going through, they were always a few steps behind knowing their son. i don't blame them really, i'm pretty sure they did their part in reaching out to me, it just so happens that i never had it in me to actually communicate what's on my mind because i was taught at an early age to respect my parents. i never really knew the distinction between respect and damaging self-restraint.

and now i'm suffering from the lesson i failed to learn

i can be at least proud that i never turned out to be a delinquent, i never ran away from home, i never screamed back at my parents, i never stayed out late at night because i was too drunk to go home, i never got jailed, i may have had numerous disciplinary cases filed against me back in high school, but i'm more or less a better child than most kids.

but being like that somehow got me into a situation where i failed to really let all my frustration toward my parents out. i grew up resenting them on a regular basis. i know it's very bad and i wish i can afford therapy, or at least muster up the willpower to actually tell them what i want in life. because it's easy to tell them i want a burger, it's easy for them to pull out their wallets and hand me a couple of bills, that's what parents do. but to tell them what i want in life is something i've always wanted to do but never really got to doing it. maybe because i grew up not wanting any of my parents to be disappointed so i kept on shoehorning myself to a mold which i think my parents will be happy with while compromising my want to be just me.

i've always compromised though, painfully so.